oh man
am i stressed. i don't how i let it get to me time and time again. the drive to work, i mean. this morning i really let it, too. i suppose my back starting to hurt again doesn't help, and realizing that traffic causes my blood pressure to go up doesn't help either. i suppose i need to start cycling again to and from work. its a pain at times, but maybe it'd be less stressful. i just don't get it. how can i relax? i'm stuck in all this traffic which doesn't need to be there. just an intrinsic frustration of society. traffic. grrr.
i don't get stressed about things in the future really. ok, a little, but not in ridiculous amounts. and i shouldn't even really call stress what i get in coming to work in traffic...but it seems to be the best way to call it out--a general stress on my body, on my mind. a general frustration at something that shouldn't be there. some people can just block it out, i suppose. i'm just not very good at it. and my back hurting...a physical reminder of the stress...doesn't help at all.
God help me. man.
lataz.
oh, in other news...i had my JVC interview yesterday. it went, in my opinion, pretty well. we'll see on Thursday or Fri morning. however, when they say "simple lifestyle" they mean it. one suitcase, one backpack, and my guitar. that's pretty much the extent of what i can bring. on top of that, anything like cellphone plans, internet plans, etc, would have to fall within my $85 a month stipend. $85 a month. that's alot of stuff to give up. i guess its the first time i've really felt the full impact of the parable of the rich man. i think i can do it...give it all up...but it's not easy...it won't be easy. i think i may lend my motorcycle to patrick for the year (or maybe sell it, who knows). there's just so much. i don't mind giving some of it away, but who to? all these things that have kept me sane in the past 2 years i'm gonna have to let go of in the hopes that this next life will bring me peace. that's alot of hope. small things, like the bookshelf emily and i made, my posters which took me long to get into frames and get together, and which each have a meaning to me. my wall pictures...i suppose i could bring some of those. my dvds which brought me joy and emotion and intellect in times of sorrow, pain, or laziness. i already let go of my TV which gave me many joys. this all sounds silly in some ways, but its quite real and quite true.
i still look back on pics of my truck and remember the peace it brought me. it is a season of losses, i suppose. a season of letting go. having everything burned in a fire is one thing. intentionally letting it all go is another. i don't know where it will lead me, this letting go. most of the bones in my body still say that this JVC thing is the way to go, so i'm following that. in faith, in trust, in hope that i'm taking the right steps for my life. who knows where it will lead me. i'm a bit afraid of the steps i'll be taking. i'm a bit afraid of walking out onto this plank over unknown seas. the last time i left the comfortable for the unknown it was the most painful process i have been through. i know this will not be that way, but its difficult to see.
within two weeks i will have to make a commitment on next year and i will know which volunteer opportunity i received. pray that i make the right choice and that God helps me to follow through.
deep breaths.
i don't get stressed about things in the future really. ok, a little, but not in ridiculous amounts. and i shouldn't even really call stress what i get in coming to work in traffic...but it seems to be the best way to call it out--a general stress on my body, on my mind. a general frustration at something that shouldn't be there. some people can just block it out, i suppose. i'm just not very good at it. and my back hurting...a physical reminder of the stress...doesn't help at all.
God help me. man.
lataz.
oh, in other news...i had my JVC interview yesterday. it went, in my opinion, pretty well. we'll see on Thursday or Fri morning. however, when they say "simple lifestyle" they mean it. one suitcase, one backpack, and my guitar. that's pretty much the extent of what i can bring. on top of that, anything like cellphone plans, internet plans, etc, would have to fall within my $85 a month stipend. $85 a month. that's alot of stuff to give up. i guess its the first time i've really felt the full impact of the parable of the rich man. i think i can do it...give it all up...but it's not easy...it won't be easy. i think i may lend my motorcycle to patrick for the year (or maybe sell it, who knows). there's just so much. i don't mind giving some of it away, but who to? all these things that have kept me sane in the past 2 years i'm gonna have to let go of in the hopes that this next life will bring me peace. that's alot of hope. small things, like the bookshelf emily and i made, my posters which took me long to get into frames and get together, and which each have a meaning to me. my wall pictures...i suppose i could bring some of those. my dvds which brought me joy and emotion and intellect in times of sorrow, pain, or laziness. i already let go of my TV which gave me many joys. this all sounds silly in some ways, but its quite real and quite true.
i still look back on pics of my truck and remember the peace it brought me. it is a season of losses, i suppose. a season of letting go. having everything burned in a fire is one thing. intentionally letting it all go is another. i don't know where it will lead me, this letting go. most of the bones in my body still say that this JVC thing is the way to go, so i'm following that. in faith, in trust, in hope that i'm taking the right steps for my life. who knows where it will lead me. i'm a bit afraid of the steps i'll be taking. i'm a bit afraid of walking out onto this plank over unknown seas. the last time i left the comfortable for the unknown it was the most painful process i have been through. i know this will not be that way, but its difficult to see.
within two weeks i will have to make a commitment on next year and i will know which volunteer opportunity i received. pray that i make the right choice and that God helps me to follow through.
deep breaths.