new hope
no more craziness.
it's hard to swallow how bitter i'd become. although i can still taste it, i can still feel the thoughts swimming through my mind, it is different now. i could not listen to k-love, i could not accept so many different things. so much of modern contemporary Xian music was lost to me because it made me sick. "i don't connect with Third Day anymore", "i can't stand this music or that music". it was more than musical preference. it was bitterness. i don't know exactly when it started, but i know its been a very long time since i've been able to properly address it. since i've been able to stare it right in the face and say "you have no place in my life, Satan. get behind me."
over many days, weeks, months, probably over a year, it grew. it ebbed and flowed with the best of tides, calming down at times when a friend would come visit or i'd go home for a weekend. it seemed almost invisible , at times, when a girl made my life sweeter each day. but nothing lasting. in the very core of my heart and soul i held a grudge for being placed in the middle of texas, miles away from all my friends and years away from any concrete plan for my life. the grudge, obviously, was against God.
i didn't want to go on the retreat this weekend. i didn't feel i should. i nearly turned around a dozen times on the way over there. i gave up trying to contact people and trying to make it work. it took the members of the retreat team calling me to remind me where to go and that they still expected me to be there for me to even consider it. then, like many times in my life, i simply followed the motions. i was drained. completely. of emotions, of caring, of wanting any of this to work. of wanting to "make it" here any longer. i had been grabbing on to whatever i could back in san antonio just to keep my head above water. by the Grace of God (and only the Grace of God) I had been led to help out with the high school ministry at my local parish, and was now in charge of the high school music ministry for monthly "youth" Mass. i was taking a Master's class at a local college, and still it hurt. still i was bitter. still i found no real reason for being here and little hope.
but its over now. i don't know how i can have the boldness to say that, but i believe its not boldness at all...just faith. i'm glad to be here in San Antonio. glad to be able to serve God in a place where He has so many followers. glad to have finally found the young adult Catholic community that God had been wanting me to find for so long. perhaps now was the only time i could have truly found it. perhaps it had to happen this way. i can believe that. i thank God for helping me to find Him again.
i know the road is far from over and the trials are far from complete, but i know that this part is done. this pain i have known as a brother these past 18 months has been soaked in the blood of Christ and He has taken it upon the cross. all of my worries and fears, all of my hopes and dreams, all of my frustrations and heartaches He has taken from me and they will never be mine again.
for the first time in years, i think, i can listen to Third Day and hear their message. i can listen to musicians and not be jealous for them finding a place while I was still here struggling. for I know that God has a place for me. cliche as it may sound, I know it now to be true. i know there are people here who will support me if i fall and cheer me when i succeed, who see the struggles in my life as real and understand the different paths to which God may call me.
i came back a few hours early from the retreat so i could lead the high schoolers in music at the first youth Mass of the fall. a few hiccups, naturally (Mass parts, you know...those get tricky), but overall is went great. piano, guitars, a saxaphone, a flute, a cello, viola, and violin. david crowder, mercy me, rich mullins, and few classics played at about double time. i think i was concentrating on the music a little too much to notice if there were angels dancing in the aisles, but i wouldn't doubt it. i know Mother Mary was watching as her Son turned to her and said "see, mom? i told you he'd make it through."
thank you, Lord.
so, so, so, so much.
amen.
it's hard to swallow how bitter i'd become. although i can still taste it, i can still feel the thoughts swimming through my mind, it is different now. i could not listen to k-love, i could not accept so many different things. so much of modern contemporary Xian music was lost to me because it made me sick. "i don't connect with Third Day anymore", "i can't stand this music or that music". it was more than musical preference. it was bitterness. i don't know exactly when it started, but i know its been a very long time since i've been able to properly address it. since i've been able to stare it right in the face and say "you have no place in my life, Satan. get behind me."
over many days, weeks, months, probably over a year, it grew. it ebbed and flowed with the best of tides, calming down at times when a friend would come visit or i'd go home for a weekend. it seemed almost invisible , at times, when a girl made my life sweeter each day. but nothing lasting. in the very core of my heart and soul i held a grudge for being placed in the middle of texas, miles away from all my friends and years away from any concrete plan for my life. the grudge, obviously, was against God.
i didn't want to go on the retreat this weekend. i didn't feel i should. i nearly turned around a dozen times on the way over there. i gave up trying to contact people and trying to make it work. it took the members of the retreat team calling me to remind me where to go and that they still expected me to be there for me to even consider it. then, like many times in my life, i simply followed the motions. i was drained. completely. of emotions, of caring, of wanting any of this to work. of wanting to "make it" here any longer. i had been grabbing on to whatever i could back in san antonio just to keep my head above water. by the Grace of God (and only the Grace of God) I had been led to help out with the high school ministry at my local parish, and was now in charge of the high school music ministry for monthly "youth" Mass. i was taking a Master's class at a local college, and still it hurt. still i was bitter. still i found no real reason for being here and little hope.
but its over now. i don't know how i can have the boldness to say that, but i believe its not boldness at all...just faith. i'm glad to be here in San Antonio. glad to be able to serve God in a place where He has so many followers. glad to have finally found the young adult Catholic community that God had been wanting me to find for so long. perhaps now was the only time i could have truly found it. perhaps it had to happen this way. i can believe that. i thank God for helping me to find Him again.
i know the road is far from over and the trials are far from complete, but i know that this part is done. this pain i have known as a brother these past 18 months has been soaked in the blood of Christ and He has taken it upon the cross. all of my worries and fears, all of my hopes and dreams, all of my frustrations and heartaches He has taken from me and they will never be mine again.
for the first time in years, i think, i can listen to Third Day and hear their message. i can listen to musicians and not be jealous for them finding a place while I was still here struggling. for I know that God has a place for me. cliche as it may sound, I know it now to be true. i know there are people here who will support me if i fall and cheer me when i succeed, who see the struggles in my life as real and understand the different paths to which God may call me.
i came back a few hours early from the retreat so i could lead the high schoolers in music at the first youth Mass of the fall. a few hiccups, naturally (Mass parts, you know...those get tricky), but overall is went great. piano, guitars, a saxaphone, a flute, a cello, viola, and violin. david crowder, mercy me, rich mullins, and few classics played at about double time. i think i was concentrating on the music a little too much to notice if there were angels dancing in the aisles, but i wouldn't doubt it. i know Mother Mary was watching as her Son turned to her and said "see, mom? i told you he'd make it through."
thank you, Lord.
so, so, so, so much.
amen.