Entry #91: One Retarded Ass Kicking
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Preface: Okay, so, when I was thinking about what to say in this entry I was thinking about everything, and I said to myself, "Dude, you're going to offend a shitload of people." So yes, this is my disclaimer and pre-apology. I'm sorry if, when reading this, you get offended for whatever reason. Seriously, that's not my intention. My intent with this piece is to point out the character flaws in certain people, most of all myself. I'm not trying to spoil the whole entry for you, but just in case you want to get offended, I'm sorry. And besides, if you don't like it, you can stop right here and visit The Crusader.
Still with me? Excellent. So, as some of you may know, I'm in gym class right now. It's a really fun time, honestly. Simmons has great taste in music, so if nothing else there's always a good track to jam to while you're shooting baskets or whatever. Braulio's in there, and Jordan, so at least I have a couple people I can kinda-hang out with.
Also in this class is a... well, he's a differently-abled child. I'm not going to get into names -- some of you know who I'm talking about (because I told you...), some of you will ask me in the hallway, some of you don't give a damn. That's cool. This kid and his revolving door of aides generally play a little bit in gym class, but most of the time they kind of fade into the background.
Fast forward to today in gym class, when Simmons asks us to partner up and then find a pair of opponents for two-on-two basketball. All the good partners are taken, so I partner up with a kid who's (ironically enough, I suppose) also named Joe. The difference between he and I is that I'm about nine inches taller and he's about twenty pounds heavier. As you can see, I was already fairly well handicapped.
Anyway, Team Joe Squared went to a vacant hoop. I grabbed a ball and started shooting around, waiting for someone to come challenge us. Nobody came for a little while... and then came the differently-abled child, an unathletic kid named Mike, and the differently-abled child's aide. The aide spoke up quickly.
"You mind if we play you guys?"
I looked at my partner, who had a shit-eatingly-goofy expression on his face. Cursing in my mind, I turned back to the guy and told him it wouldn't be a problem.
But, naturally, it was a problem. How, exactly, do you play a game of basketball against a differently-abled child? Was I supposed to let him shoot at the basket until he made one? Was I allowed to grab rebounds? Would I go to Hell if I blocked one of his shots? All of these questions ran through my mind as I handed the differently abled child the ball.
"Toss me the ball," the aide said, and the differently-abled child kinda heaved the ball in the air. Gracefully, the aide leapt into the air, catching it in impressive fashion. He gently tossed the ball back to the differently-abled child, and then stepped back, removing his dress shirt to reveal a white wifebeater.
This dude was jacked.
Like... dude. I had about a four-inch height advantage on him, but he had about fifty pounds on me, and that was fifty pounds of pure muscle. Of course, me being the nice guy that I am, I figured he'd just toss the ball back to the differently-abled child, so my defence was, well... not quite up to snuff. I was kinda loosely guarding this guy, my arm stretched out into the air...
*BOOM!*
He slammed the ball to the court and pushed off, bumping an elbow into my ribcage and catching me totally off-guard. As I doubled over, he leapt over me and pulled off a nasty finger roll. 1-0, and not in my favour.
It only got worse from there. I tried playing tougher defence on the guy, but every time I would he'd call for the differently-abled child to catch the ball and I'd be forced to back off a bit. It really wasn't even fair. I mean, I played the guy as well as I could, but not only did he have a differently-abled child as a safety net...
... but the guy could ball. Like, I'm not even kidding, he must have been a Division-I player or something. The dude put in like fifteen points on me, whereas I was lucky to put in seven or so. My partner sucked, his partners... well, I think you get the picture. However, if you don't, let me make it crystal clear...
I lost a basketball game to a retard.
- Joseph H.
Preface: Okay, so, when I was thinking about what to say in this entry I was thinking about everything, and I said to myself, "Dude, you're going to offend a shitload of people." So yes, this is my disclaimer and pre-apology. I'm sorry if, when reading this, you get offended for whatever reason. Seriously, that's not my intention. My intent with this piece is to point out the character flaws in certain people, most of all myself. I'm not trying to spoil the whole entry for you, but just in case you want to get offended, I'm sorry. And besides, if you don't like it, you can stop right here and visit The Crusader.
Still with me? Excellent. So, as some of you may know, I'm in gym class right now. It's a really fun time, honestly. Simmons has great taste in music, so if nothing else there's always a good track to jam to while you're shooting baskets or whatever. Braulio's in there, and Jordan, so at least I have a couple people I can kinda-hang out with.
Also in this class is a... well, he's a differently-abled child. I'm not going to get into names -- some of you know who I'm talking about (because I told you...), some of you will ask me in the hallway, some of you don't give a damn. That's cool. This kid and his revolving door of aides generally play a little bit in gym class, but most of the time they kind of fade into the background.
Fast forward to today in gym class, when Simmons asks us to partner up and then find a pair of opponents for two-on-two basketball. All the good partners are taken, so I partner up with a kid who's (ironically enough, I suppose) also named Joe. The difference between he and I is that I'm about nine inches taller and he's about twenty pounds heavier. As you can see, I was already fairly well handicapped.
Anyway, Team Joe Squared went to a vacant hoop. I grabbed a ball and started shooting around, waiting for someone to come challenge us. Nobody came for a little while... and then came the differently-abled child, an unathletic kid named Mike, and the differently-abled child's aide. The aide spoke up quickly.
"You mind if we play you guys?"
I looked at my partner, who had a shit-eatingly-goofy expression on his face. Cursing in my mind, I turned back to the guy and told him it wouldn't be a problem.
But, naturally, it was a problem. How, exactly, do you play a game of basketball against a differently-abled child? Was I supposed to let him shoot at the basket until he made one? Was I allowed to grab rebounds? Would I go to Hell if I blocked one of his shots? All of these questions ran through my mind as I handed the differently abled child the ball.
"Toss me the ball," the aide said, and the differently-abled child kinda heaved the ball in the air. Gracefully, the aide leapt into the air, catching it in impressive fashion. He gently tossed the ball back to the differently-abled child, and then stepped back, removing his dress shirt to reveal a white wifebeater.
This dude was jacked.
Like... dude. I had about a four-inch height advantage on him, but he had about fifty pounds on me, and that was fifty pounds of pure muscle. Of course, me being the nice guy that I am, I figured he'd just toss the ball back to the differently-abled child, so my defence was, well... not quite up to snuff. I was kinda loosely guarding this guy, my arm stretched out into the air...
*BOOM!*
He slammed the ball to the court and pushed off, bumping an elbow into my ribcage and catching me totally off-guard. As I doubled over, he leapt over me and pulled off a nasty finger roll. 1-0, and not in my favour.
It only got worse from there. I tried playing tougher defence on the guy, but every time I would he'd call for the differently-abled child to catch the ball and I'd be forced to back off a bit. It really wasn't even fair. I mean, I played the guy as well as I could, but not only did he have a differently-abled child as a safety net...
... but the guy could ball. Like, I'm not even kidding, he must have been a Division-I player or something. The dude put in like fifteen points on me, whereas I was lucky to put in seven or so. My partner sucked, his partners... well, I think you get the picture. However, if you don't, let me make it crystal clear...
I lost a basketball game to a retard.
- Joseph H.