to old for my age
i dont post here as much as i want to, because i never get comments, but then something makes me post anyways, i think it's the fact that if i post or not, i know at least you skimmed over your friends page and noticed that i did something....
anyways, i'm just here to say that being away from people is fucking hard. i've been trying to keep myself busy, and latly i've been exhausted, not just tired, but like, i could sleep for days... it's really strange, and i really want to start working out and i need to get a job and prepare for the apt i want to get in 3 months, but some part of me just feels like something horrible is going to happen, i know that sounds weird.... an "i just know" kind of thing. but do you ever get that feeling? that no matter how hard you work, the thing you want the most sometimes just might not happen.... sad i know, and i'm going to work like hell for it TO ACCTUALLY happen, i'm just saying....
also, i've been up for a couple hours, and i think i disapointed myself, i've been online for the last hour and half waiting to talk, and it doesnt look like thats going to be happening either..... sad. i know nothing was set in stone or anything, but i'd really like to talk, and....whaever, it's strange....i know.
another thing that's really been bothering me this past week or so is the fact that i'm about to graduate this program in may and transfer to The New School, but in March, i'm doing a showcase...something that i've been work these past 2 years to get to... and like no one in my family is going.... i've been taking 10 classes a semester for NO ONE to come watch me.... it really sucks, and they all KNOW how much this means to me.... i think it's kinda fucked up you see, b/c this summer they're take a vacation to las vagas.... which i'm assuming is why they dont wanna make the trek up to NY.... buuut can i just say.... and just to get it out...
"why the fuck have i been killing my self at school taking it seems like millons of hours of classes a semester to become a better performer in hopes that you'd all be proud of me if you're not even going to come see me. i thought that you'd be just as excited as i was.....WHAT THE FUCK HAPPEND TO "JUST LET US KNOW WHEN IT IS, I WOULDNT MISS IT FOR THE WORLD" HUH????? las fucking vagas will ALWAYS be there, you dont need to go waste your money on something like that when someone who's bent over backwards to help and be there for you has something huge going on in her life!!!!! "
so i hope that las vagas is really fucking fun.... because i know in march every night that i'm done with my showcase and i walk out and you're not there, i'll know that it's because you decided to be selfish, and the next time you need something i WONT be selfish, and i'll help you and keep my fucking mouth shut, knowing that you did something for yourself and there's not a damn thing i can do about it, so there's no point in arguing b/c that never gets me anywhere...when i argue i'm the only one that ends up hurt every single time, well..... not this time.......
it's just nice to know that it's not the money that's holding you back, it's your desire to try and relive the years you think you've lost.... well i hope it's really fun for you, b/c you wont be able to relive the years of my life that you're losing.....
i love you, all of you...i just sometimes wish i wasnt to old for my age.....it'd be nice not to understand something for once....
{EDIT}
i would just like to add that this is my horosocpe for today
Don't concentrate on things you lack or would like to possess emotionally, it would be preferable to put your psyche on positive things and what is good for your family and sentimental relationships. In some way, perfection in human relationships is impossible.
...nice
anyways, i'm just here to say that being away from people is fucking hard. i've been trying to keep myself busy, and latly i've been exhausted, not just tired, but like, i could sleep for days... it's really strange, and i really want to start working out and i need to get a job and prepare for the apt i want to get in 3 months, but some part of me just feels like something horrible is going to happen, i know that sounds weird.... an "i just know" kind of thing. but do you ever get that feeling? that no matter how hard you work, the thing you want the most sometimes just might not happen.... sad i know, and i'm going to work like hell for it TO ACCTUALLY happen, i'm just saying....
also, i've been up for a couple hours, and i think i disapointed myself, i've been online for the last hour and half waiting to talk, and it doesnt look like thats going to be happening either..... sad. i know nothing was set in stone or anything, but i'd really like to talk, and....whaever, it's strange....i know.
another thing that's really been bothering me this past week or so is the fact that i'm about to graduate this program in may and transfer to The New School, but in March, i'm doing a showcase...something that i've been work these past 2 years to get to... and like no one in my family is going.... i've been taking 10 classes a semester for NO ONE to come watch me.... it really sucks, and they all KNOW how much this means to me.... i think it's kinda fucked up you see, b/c this summer they're take a vacation to las vagas.... which i'm assuming is why they dont wanna make the trek up to NY.... buuut can i just say.... and just to get it out...
"why the fuck have i been killing my self at school taking it seems like millons of hours of classes a semester to become a better performer in hopes that you'd all be proud of me if you're not even going to come see me. i thought that you'd be just as excited as i was.....WHAT THE FUCK HAPPEND TO "JUST LET US KNOW WHEN IT IS, I WOULDNT MISS IT FOR THE WORLD" HUH????? las fucking vagas will ALWAYS be there, you dont need to go waste your money on something like that when someone who's bent over backwards to help and be there for you has something huge going on in her life!!!!! "
so i hope that las vagas is really fucking fun.... because i know in march every night that i'm done with my showcase and i walk out and you're not there, i'll know that it's because you decided to be selfish, and the next time you need something i WONT be selfish, and i'll help you and keep my fucking mouth shut, knowing that you did something for yourself and there's not a damn thing i can do about it, so there's no point in arguing b/c that never gets me anywhere...when i argue i'm the only one that ends up hurt every single time, well..... not this time.......
it's just nice to know that it's not the money that's holding you back, it's your desire to try and relive the years you think you've lost.... well i hope it's really fun for you, b/c you wont be able to relive the years of my life that you're losing.....
i love you, all of you...i just sometimes wish i wasnt to old for my age.....it'd be nice not to understand something for once....
{EDIT}
i would just like to add that this is my horosocpe for today
Don't concentrate on things you lack or would like to possess emotionally, it would be preferable to put your psyche on positive things and what is good for your family and sentimental relationships. In some way, perfection in human relationships is impossible.
...nice