Restless
I feel like hell...no, hell must feel more lively than this.
Not the remake, even though I liked the remake. I feel like the old school my friggin' legs don't work properly because hello I'm the undead type of zombie. I'm coughing. Earlier I was cold sweating and my arms were shaking. I was exhausted. I mean, I fell asleep while typing kind of exhausted.
Mom thinks it's diabetes.
Georgia thinks it's a cold.
I think I need to feel better.
Half of today I spent in bed, and right now, I want to crawl back there. Literally... Walking sounds like a lot of work. And while some may view as lazy, others lethargic, I do actually like to get things done. Whether it's writing, or going to the store...ok, I don't tend to enjoy the store, but I do like that sense of: I got it done, moving on. Today, I beta'd a chapter, I mocked up a web design, I posted to LJ and it was all before 7am I think. Could be wrong, it might have been 8.
Then I went to town, got more things done, I got back into school, I started the cold sweat, I started the shaking, I started remembering this started yesterday, I started in bed, and I started reading. I finished a book I've read 4 or 5 times before. I nodded off. I got filled, and I got sleepy, and then I couldn't sleep. So I started another book I've read 4 or 5 times before, and lines popped into my head that don't fit anywhere that I know of. Just weird lines like....
Whenever I try to quit smoking, I get that whole oral fixation thing. This means I'm constantly eating, even mints. At 10 calories a pop, this means I could be adding 700 calories by the end of the day. I'm eating. Breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, snack, supper, snack, dessert. This can't be healthy....
Obesity or cancer? Which is worse?
Truth be known, it depends on who you ask.
Or
uhmm....I have actually managed to forget the second set of lines. If I think of it, I'll jump back.
Like now, jump back to getting back into school. When I finally managed to get one of my counselors on the line I realize how funny things can be. In the end, I ended up talking to both of them, and both of them started the conversation with the same question.
How are you?
And stupid, stupid me replies with an honest answer. I didn't follow the script. I didn't just dismiss the pleasantries. They asked and I answered.
Not so well.
And each time, they just stopped. The line went dead. The guy, he managed to reply, "Uhhh..."
Very elegant. And maybe this is why I have never succeeded in a corporate environment. If my opinion is asked, it damn well better be wanted, because I'm not afraid to hand it out. If these counselors didn't care how I was, then why ask me? Why keep up appearance? Why save face? Why be fake?
Honestly, because the call may of may not be recorded for quality and or training purposes.
I'm willing to bet "How are you?" is worth 10 points to them. Whether the school pays counselors with positive or negative reinforcement, I don't know. But that one "How are you?" is probably worth either an extra $600 or a pink slip.
I had a job that had both once...that was maddening. At this job, you could have multiple warnings, and these warnings were really real pink slips of paper. They also had yellow, but yellow was first warning, pink was third I think. Another warning for the same thing, and you were fired. At one point I had 3 pink slips (late, absences, and sleeping...respectably) and a $600 bonus. Think there may be something wrong with this picture? The next month, I had an award. The next, a promotion.
When I was fired, they said I quit, and I didn't get any slips. Pink or otherwise. I just came to work, and my badge still unlocked the door. I sat down, and my name and password still logged me in the system.
Two hours later, I was told I had quit. I told them, that, no, I hadn't. They said I 3 day no-called, no-showed. I said I turned in paperwork. They said they didn't have it. I said I called, they said who, I said a supervisor, they asked which one, and honestly, out of the 30 supervisors there, I didn't know which one. They said I had to prove I called, I asked weren't they the ones who recorded calls, and the explained not supervisors.
I said, you may want to consider that.
They said, turn in your badge.
I don't honestly know why I just told that oh so boring story. Other than I feel bad and can't sleep. And when I'm sleepy, I ramble. Since no one is online, I'll ramble to no one and everyone at the same time, as LiveJournal goes.
I still can't remember that other block of writing. I'm sure it's genius and a plot bunny waiting to be written into a novel, waiting to be published, waiting to make a best-seller's list, waiting to become the movie. As dreams go.
I had a dream earlier where Charlie Brown, in the Charlie Brown voice said, "She's been waiting to die since fourth grade. She's still waiting." And it had that weird piano music playing in the background. The music from the cartoon.
And people say my oneshots are disturbing.
So the point? I don’t know. I just really want to go to sleep, and I want to do it without sleeping pills. I really should have written down the day I first went to sleep without them. It seems like a small reason to celebrate, but any reason looks OK right now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not depressed, and I haven’t been in over a year, but not knowing my cause to celebrate lately.
Small victories are around, and I am happy for that, but I want one of those big lets go buy liquor and cheer type celebrations. I want a reason to stay up all night. I want to smile so much my cheeks hurt, and I want the smile to be genuine.
Or, I just want to sleep.
Not the remake, even though I liked the remake. I feel like the old school my friggin' legs don't work properly because hello I'm the undead type of zombie. I'm coughing. Earlier I was cold sweating and my arms were shaking. I was exhausted. I mean, I fell asleep while typing kind of exhausted.
Mom thinks it's diabetes.
Georgia thinks it's a cold.
I think I need to feel better.
Half of today I spent in bed, and right now, I want to crawl back there. Literally... Walking sounds like a lot of work. And while some may view as lazy, others lethargic, I do actually like to get things done. Whether it's writing, or going to the store...ok, I don't tend to enjoy the store, but I do like that sense of: I got it done, moving on. Today, I beta'd a chapter, I mocked up a web design, I posted to LJ and it was all before 7am I think. Could be wrong, it might have been 8.
Then I went to town, got more things done, I got back into school, I started the cold sweat, I started the shaking, I started remembering this started yesterday, I started in bed, and I started reading. I finished a book I've read 4 or 5 times before. I nodded off. I got filled, and I got sleepy, and then I couldn't sleep. So I started another book I've read 4 or 5 times before, and lines popped into my head that don't fit anywhere that I know of. Just weird lines like....
Whenever I try to quit smoking, I get that whole oral fixation thing. This means I'm constantly eating, even mints. At 10 calories a pop, this means I could be adding 700 calories by the end of the day. I'm eating. Breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, snack, supper, snack, dessert. This can't be healthy....
Obesity or cancer? Which is worse?
Truth be known, it depends on who you ask.
Or
uhmm....I have actually managed to forget the second set of lines. If I think of it, I'll jump back.
Like now, jump back to getting back into school. When I finally managed to get one of my counselors on the line I realize how funny things can be. In the end, I ended up talking to both of them, and both of them started the conversation with the same question.
How are you?
And stupid, stupid me replies with an honest answer. I didn't follow the script. I didn't just dismiss the pleasantries. They asked and I answered.
Not so well.
And each time, they just stopped. The line went dead. The guy, he managed to reply, "Uhhh..."
Very elegant. And maybe this is why I have never succeeded in a corporate environment. If my opinion is asked, it damn well better be wanted, because I'm not afraid to hand it out. If these counselors didn't care how I was, then why ask me? Why keep up appearance? Why save face? Why be fake?
Honestly, because the call may of may not be recorded for quality and or training purposes.
I'm willing to bet "How are you?" is worth 10 points to them. Whether the school pays counselors with positive or negative reinforcement, I don't know. But that one "How are you?" is probably worth either an extra $600 or a pink slip.
I had a job that had both once...that was maddening. At this job, you could have multiple warnings, and these warnings were really real pink slips of paper. They also had yellow, but yellow was first warning, pink was third I think. Another warning for the same thing, and you were fired. At one point I had 3 pink slips (late, absences, and sleeping...respectably) and a $600 bonus. Think there may be something wrong with this picture? The next month, I had an award. The next, a promotion.
When I was fired, they said I quit, and I didn't get any slips. Pink or otherwise. I just came to work, and my badge still unlocked the door. I sat down, and my name and password still logged me in the system.
Two hours later, I was told I had quit. I told them, that, no, I hadn't. They said I 3 day no-called, no-showed. I said I turned in paperwork. They said they didn't have it. I said I called, they said who, I said a supervisor, they asked which one, and honestly, out of the 30 supervisors there, I didn't know which one. They said I had to prove I called, I asked weren't they the ones who recorded calls, and the explained not supervisors.
I said, you may want to consider that.
They said, turn in your badge.
I don't honestly know why I just told that oh so boring story. Other than I feel bad and can't sleep. And when I'm sleepy, I ramble. Since no one is online, I'll ramble to no one and everyone at the same time, as LiveJournal goes.
I still can't remember that other block of writing. I'm sure it's genius and a plot bunny waiting to be written into a novel, waiting to be published, waiting to make a best-seller's list, waiting to become the movie. As dreams go.
I had a dream earlier where Charlie Brown, in the Charlie Brown voice said, "She's been waiting to die since fourth grade. She's still waiting." And it had that weird piano music playing in the background. The music from the cartoon.
And people say my oneshots are disturbing.
So the point? I don’t know. I just really want to go to sleep, and I want to do it without sleeping pills. I really should have written down the day I first went to sleep without them. It seems like a small reason to celebrate, but any reason looks OK right now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not depressed, and I haven’t been in over a year, but not knowing my cause to celebrate lately.
Small victories are around, and I am happy for that, but I want one of those big lets go buy liquor and cheer type celebrations. I want a reason to stay up all night. I want to smile so much my cheeks hurt, and I want the smile to be genuine.
Or, I just want to sleep.