Transcript: Psych 3x03 Daredevils!
1987
EXT. ROAD, DAY
Kids are lined along the road chanting Shawn’s name and pumping their arms. A young BOY is standing by a ramp with a walkie-talkie.
BOY:
(into walkie) Shawn, this'll never work. I've done the math. The ramp's too short. You'll have to let me duck.
At the opposite end of the road from the BOY, SHAWN is on his bicycle wearing a towel over his shoulders like a cape. He also has on HENRY’S police helmet. He lowers the visor and begins to pedal. The kids continue to chant.
BOY:
(into walkie) Shawn! Shawn! Shawn, stop! Abort. Abort. Abort! Oh, crap.
HENRY grabs SHAWN and the bike continues up the ramp. His audience runs away.
HENRY:
(picks up helmet) What the hell do you think you're doing, Shawn?!
SHAWN:
(angry) Dad, you ruined everything!
HENRY:
Of all the boneheaded stunts you've pulled in your life, this is without a doubt the dumbest. Shawn, what in the name of everything that's holy would possess you to do something so incredibly stupid?
SHAWN:
All the kids from my class wanted to see me do it. See?
No one else is there.
HENRY:
No, see what, Shawn? Come here. Listen to me. (kneels and puts a hand on SHAWN’S shoulder) You think your fans came out here to see you make this jump?
SHAWN:
Yeah.
HENRY:
They came out here to see you crack your head open. Which basically makes you no different than the kid in class who can shoot milk out of his eye.
SHAWN:
(excited) Do you think I could be as popular as him?
HENRY stands and walks away.
PRESENT DAY
INT. STADIUM, DAY
SHAWN and GUS are at an arena in town walking to their seats with snacks.
GUS:
I can't believe you did this, Shawn.
SHAWN:
Apparently you're unaware that some churros have more nutrients than carrots. 12 more of these, I’ll have my RDA of riboflavin.
GUS:
No, I mean accepting tickets to some ridiculous tractor pull as payment for a case.
SHAWN:
Gus, (to woman as they take their seats) excuse us - when your clients are carnie folk, it's this or 20 rides on a rusted Tilt-a-Whirl. And I remember the last time you got on one of those.
GUS:
You know I had early onset vertigo.
SHAWN:
The important thing is that Wolf Boy and his gold teeth have been reunited.
SHAWN reaches for GUS’S snacks and GUS slaps him.
GUS:
Don't play, Shawn.
ANNOUNCER:
(over loudspeaker) Ladies and gentlemen, please give a huge Santa Barbara welcome to our opening act. Put your hands together for the heart-stopping, gravity-mystifying, death-defying, Dutch "The Clutch" Jenkins!
An older man with long greying hair steps out to greet the audience. He is wearing a blue suit with red lapels with silver stars. The audience claps. SHAWN is surprised to see him. GUS has no idea who the man is. DUTCH gets on his motorcycle.
SHAWN:
I can't believe it, dude. It's Dutch the Clutch.
GUS:
What, you know that guy?
SHAWN:
Dude, you don't remember Dutch the Clutch? He was on That’s Incredible once when we were kids. And he jumped Springfield Gorge.
GUS:
That was Homer Simpson.
ANNOUNCER:
(over loudspeaker) Dutch will attempt to launch himself through the ring of fire and land safely on the other side. But for the first time ever, Dutch will attempt this stunt without the benefit of his sight!
Two crew members come out to help with the blindfold and his helmet.
GUS:
That guy is crazy.
SHAWN:
Crazy awesome.
DUTCH starts the engine as confetti falls and lights come on along the ramp.
ANNOUNCER:
(over loudspeaker) Here we go, folks. Hold on to your seats!
They light the ring on fire. DUTCH slaps his helmet twice and accelerates onto the ramp, flames coming out of the exhaust. As he’s in the air approaching the ring, SHAWN sees gas leaking from the tank. DUTCH goes through the ring and the tank explodes and DUTCH falls off the bike. Some of the audience stands and applauds, thinking it part of the act. DUTCH rolls down the ramp and that’s when people gasp. Two of his crew rush over, calling for a medic. Two paramedics hurry over with a gurney.
ANNOUNCER:
(over loudspeaker) Everyone, please remain calm.
Two firemen use extinguishers on the bike and DUTCH. SHAWN and GUS exchange looks, not knowing what’s going on. DUTCH then stands with some assistance. He then pushes them away, takes off his helmet, puts his arms out wide.
DUTCH:
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
The audience cheers and applauds like crazy.
ANNOUNCER:
(over loudspeaker) He's okay! Everyone, show your appreciation for a true American hero, Dutch the Clutch Jenkins!
A young woman runs up to DUTCH and hugs him followed by his crew.
GUS:
That was insane.
SHAWN:
No. That was attempted murder. (takes a bite of his churro)
**********************************************************************
PSYCH
“Daredevils!”
By
Anupam Nigam
STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen
DIRECTOR
John Badham
**********************************************************************
EXT. CALIFORNIA STATE FAIR, DAY
SHAWN and GUS walk past some booths.
SHAWN:
Dutch! Dutch the Clutch! You honestly don't remember him?
GUS:
No. Why is this such a big deal for you?
SHAWN:
Gus, guys like me and him are cut from the same cloth, okay? We cast aside the rules of society. We laugh in the face of danger. We ignore the tiny voice in our head that tells us not to do stuff.
GUS:
The tiny voice in my head says, “There's a reason I’m the only black person here.”
SHAWN:
I'm telling you, man, someone tried to kill him. Take it from a fellow motorcycle guy.
GUS:
Please, what was the last repair you did to your bike?
WOMAN:
Can you get that?
GUS picks up a basketball that escaped one of the games and throws it, missing completely.
SHAWN:
Does adding a sticker count? Regardless, fuel lines do not randomly spring leaks. There's a killer out there, and he or she failed. So, they're bound to try again.
GUS:
How the hell are we supposed to protect someone who straps himself to a rocket-powered bike and sails through a wall of fire?
SHAWN:
I'm working on it.
They are stopped by a tall muscular man.
MAN:
Can I help you?
SHAWN:
Yes, I’m Shawn Spencer, police psychic, amateur daredevil, denture-wearer and strawberry crepe enthusiast.
MAN:
You're not on the list.
SHAWN:
List? Dude, they're about to start racing ocelots in half an hour. There's no way you have a velvet rope here.
GUS:
Let's go, Shawn.
SHAWN:
No, no, no. I'm here to tell you that something was off with Dutch's last stunt. He is in danger and I sense foul play. It's both a daredevil and a psychic thing. You'll just have to trust me.
As SHAWN is talking, a YOUNG MAN in the background listens.
MAN:
Sir, I want you to turn around and get the hell out of...
YOUNG MAN:
(to MAN) Hey, give me a sec with these guys, yeah? (puts an arm over each of their shoulders and walks them away) I'm Lewis. Dutch is my dad.
SHAWN:
Ah!
LEWIS:
So, uh, what the hell do you mean by foul play?
GUS:
We're private investigators. He's a psychic.
SHAWN:
You left out the daredevil part.
GUS:
And that's why he knows the stunt was tampered with.
LEWIS:
A psychic, huh? I don't know about that sort of thing, but, uh, you might be on to something. My dad's last two stunts didn't go off right either. And I have been noticing some weird things lately.
SHAWN:
Well, you're lucky. We're in the business of weird.
LEWIS:
(looks SHAWN over) What would you need for me to hire you?
GUS:
A retainer check for $2.000.
SHAWN:
(talks over GUS) Dutch's autograph.
GUS shoves SHAWN in the back.
SHAWN:
Man, I will punch you in the knee.
GUS:
(raises his knee) Go ahead, I dare... aah! (cries out after SHAWN slaps him)
LEWIS:
Look, guys, money's a little tight right now. Last month we shared the bill with Yippy the hiccupping terrier.
GUS:
He's still hiccupping?
SHAWN:
Dude, you know that, but you don't know who Dutch the Clutch is?
GUS:
He's been hiccupping for nine years, Shawn. It's a canine record.
LEWIS:
Hey! Guys, please. Look, no offense, but my dad's not gonna let some psychic guy hang around him. His circle's air-tight. But we'll work something out. Come on. There's an after party. Let's go.
LEWIS puts his arms around their shoulders again and leads them backstage.
INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY
LASSITER signs a form for a WOMAN.
LASSITER:
Okay.
WOMAN:
Thanks.
JULIET enters seeming chipper.
JULIET:
You ready? Interrogation Room A.
LASSITER:
Great. (puts on suit jacket)
JULIET:
So?
LASSITER:
So what?
JULIET:
Your date Friday night. Details! What happened?
LASSITER:
Well, we ordered the crab cakes.
JULIET:
Mmm.
LASSITER:
(straightens tie) And she went to the bathroom and didn't come back.
JULIET gasps.
LASSITER:
So, either it went badly or she's still in the bathroom.
JULIET:
Oh, Carlton, I’m sorry.
LASSITER makes a non-committal sound and heads for the door.
JULIET:
(realizes what went wrong and follows) You told the dead clown story, didn't you?
LASSITER:
What? That is a funny story.
JULIET:
Clowns are funny. Stories about them being shot to death, not so much. Please tell me you didn't draw a diagram of the bullet holes.
LASSITER:
Well, there were crayons on the table. What was I supposed to do?
JULIET:
You took her to a restaurant that had crayons on the table?
LASSITER:
(puts his hands on her shoulders) Thank you for your concern. I am fine. (goes down the stairs) Interrogation Room A, right?
JULIET:
Yes.
EXT. BEACHSIDE BAR, DAY
As LEWIS leads SHAWN and GUS to the deck where the party is happening, DUTCH’S AGENT is on the phone. Loud rock music is playing.
AGENT:
What do I sound like? An agent in the Valley? This is Dutch the Clutch. What are you, deaf? He doesn't get out of bed for less than two grand. 3,500. 3,500, that's it. That’s it.
SHAWN:
Wow. You know, The Allman brothers generally tend to inhibit my psychic powers. So, why don't you just tell me, is there anyone that'd like to see your dad bite the bullet?
LEWIS:
Just about everybody that comes to the show.
GUS:
Anyone in here in particular have a grudge with him?
LEWIS:
Against my dad?
GUS:
Yeah.
LEWIS:
No way. Everybody here loves him. Can't understand why anyone would want to hurt him. In fact, I’ve been trying to get him to retire altogether. (takes them to the bar)
SHAWN:
Why doesn't he listen?
LEWIS:
Give up the spotlight? Give up the applause? The love? Never. Besides, well…
GUS:
Oh, no. (refuses the beer)
LEWIS:
…my dad thinks he's unkillable. But he's wrong. He's flesh and blood. My flesh and blood. That's why I’m counting on you boys. Okay, let me... let me introduce you to my dad. (leads them away)
GUS:
Do we have our cover stories yet?
LEWIS:
Don't worry, I take care of all the finances and hirings. Pop, found us the two new Diehards you asked for.
DUTCH is sitting at a table with the same woman who hugged him after the accident. LEWIS sits down at the table.
DUTCH:
Damn, already?
SHAWN:
Actually, I’m Die Hard. He's Die Harder. We have two other guys in our crew, but they aren't nearly as good as us.
DUTCH:
Well, how the hell you do that so quick? Especially after what happened to that last bunch.
GUS:
Excuse me, what happened to the last bunch?
DUTCH:
Well, we can't talk about it for legal reasons. All I know is our attorney said that it ain't decapitation if the head don't come off all the way. (laughs) I joke, I joke!
GUS:
He better be.
SHAWN:
That's morbid!
The younger woman who was laughing with DUTCH reaches out her hand and introduces herself.
VIKI:
Hi, I’m Viki, Dutch's wife. Now you boys have experience, right? It's up to you to keep my man safe.
DUTCH:
That's right. Hey, what's the most dangerous thing you boys done?
SHAWN:
We eat at Taco John's with some frequency. So that puts us right there on the edge.
DUTCH:
Oh, we got ourselves a couple of comedians. (laughs) I like that! Okay, you boys got the job... (slams his fist on the table) Oh, damn!
GUS:
Did you just break your wrist?
DUTCH:
Yeah, well, it's okay. Nothing busted through the skin.
LEWIS:
Dad, maybe you should take a break. I mean, you almost got killed today.
DUTCH:
Oh, come on, son. You just worry about your own safety. I'll be fine.
VIKI:
Well, maybe Lewis is right. And we can finally take that vacation to Dollywood!
GUS:
Uh, not to overstep, but I think you may still have a concussion from earlier.
DUTCH:
Concussion? (stands) Hell, I’ve had a concussion since 1982. True story. (to everyone) Anybody else's beer taste like metal? (lifts his beer with a whoop)
An ad comes on the TV at the bar for another daredevil.
TV ANNOUNCER:
Sunday, Sunday, Sunday…
DUTCH:
(walks to the TV) Who the hell put that on there?!
GUS:
Okay, did we miss something?
LEWIS:
Hell, that's El Diablo.
SHAWN:
What is an El Diablo?
LEWIS:
He's nobody. Just some wannabe daredevil. No one knows who he is because he always wears a mask.
DUTCH:
Right there! (points at TV) See that right there? That's why we can't take no damn vacation. That son of a bitch is right on my heels.
LEWIS:
Relax, Dad. He's amateur hour compared to you.
The AGENT joins them.
AGENT:
Dutch, forget about El Diablo. I got you that canyon jump in September.
DUTCH:
Rock on, Manny!
They shake hands and DUTCH cries out in pain.
MANNY:
I told you, Clutch. Explosions. Crashes. That's what people pay to see. You keep that up, I'm gonna get you on TV. And it won't be that infomercial for the home stomach pump. This is gonna be one of those rain delay filler shows.
They chuckle. LEWIS stands and walks to them.
LEWIS:
Dad, please. It's too soon to be adding new stunts.
DUTCH:
Oh, bull piss! Ain't nobody telling me I can't do anything no more.
GUS:
I think that was the worst English I’ve ever heard.
DUTCH climbs up onto one of the tables near the railing still holding his beer.
DUTCH:
All right! $200 that I’m gonna take a fall!
MANNY:
$300!
DUTCH:
(auctioning as crowd gathers) 300! 350! 400! 450! 550! 650!
DUTCH falls backwards over the railing. SHAWN and GUS rush over to see that he has landed on a pile of garbage bags.
DUTCH:
Glen Campbell rocks! Oh, damn. I spilled my beer. (laughs)
SHAWN:
It might be harder to keep this guy alive than I thought.
INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY
JULIET enters the office.
JULIET:
You need me, Chief?
VICK:
(seated at desk) Why is someone lodging a complaint against my head detective? That's the third one this month.
JULIET:
He's just going through a rough patch right now. He'll be fine. I think he's having some serious dating problems.
VICK:
Oh. (stands and walks to small fridge for water) You know, when I used to work vice, my partner was an alcoholic. And one night I went over to his house, handcuffed him to a radiator and made him dry out. And when he finally sobered up, I gave him a choice. Go into department rehab program or chew your hand off for freedom. He chose the program.
JULIET:
Is that a real story?
VICK:
Maybe it is. Maybe I saw it on an old Police Woman rerun. The point is, O’Hara, sometimes it's up to the cop's partner to keep their head above water, huh? To do what's necessary to make sure that they stay on course. Get me?
JULIET:
Yes, Chief. (exits)
INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY
JULIET doesn’t know what to make of the advice she was just given. BUZZ meets her.
BUZZ:
(gives JULIET phone message) Hmm, this is for you. What's wrong?
JULIET:
The Chief just gave me some really weird advice.
BUZZ:
Well, what does she want?
JULIET:
Well, I can't be sure, but I think she wants me to find Lassiter a girlfriend.
BUZZ:
(makes a face) Good luck with that.
INT. PSYCH, DAY
GUS is on the phone while at his desk.
GUS:
That makes sense, I guess. Thanks, Lewis. (ends call) So, Dutch doesn't have a will because apparently invincible people do not need them.
SHAWN sets a box on the desk and takes out a large sheaf of papers, handing it to GUS before taking some to his own desk.
GUS:
What is all this?
SHAWN:
Those are forms that must be filled out so that we can be Die Hards. Just sign them.
GUS:
These release the employer from any liability in case the stunt tester is torn to shreds? Stunt tester? Is that what we're doing? Are you crazy?
SHAWN:
Trust me and be cool. (signs form)
GUS:
Wait, this one is in case we're accidentally chewed to death by a malfunctioning robot? Oh, hell no!
SHAWN:
Relax, we'll be fine.
GUS:
(reads through pages) Deboned? Killed and re-killed? How does that even work?
SHAWN:
(goes to pinball machine) Gus, don't be an old sponge with hair hanging off it. I'm all over this case.
GUS:
Mimed to death?
SHAWN:
That's clearly a typo. They meant "maimed." What, are we gonna be killed by Marcel Marceau?
GUS:
Marcel Marceau is dead.
SHAWN:
See, there's nothing to worry about.
GUS:
(walks over) We are solving this case, Shawn, before we have to do any of this stuff.
SHAWN:
Fair. I've been checking out this El Diablo guy. He always rolls into town the day after Dutch. And they've been competing for the same gigs for almost a year. Including that canyon jump that Dutch just got.
GUS:
All right, motive. Wipe out Dutch and the field is clear. And El Diablo is a daredevil so he would know how to sabotage the stunts to make it look like an accident.
SHAWN:
I'll buy that.
GUS:
And someone at the party told me that El Diablo performed at the fair the night before Dutch, when Dutch's team was, no doubt, prepping for their stunt.
SHAWN:
You're saying they had access to Dutch's equipment.
GUS:
I'm sold. He's our guy. So where is he? Where do we find this El Diablo?
SHAWN:
How do you feel about checking out some old antique motorcycles?
EXT. MOTORCYCLE SHOW, DAY
SHAWN and GUS walk around the few tents set up.
SHAWN:
They call this a motorcycle show? There's, like, four motorcycles here. They don't even have the bike from Blue Thunder.
GUS:
That was a helicopter.
SHAWN:
You're right. I was thinking of Blue Lagoon.
GUS:
There wasn't a bike in Blue Lagoon.
SHAWN:
How'd they get off the island, Gus?
EL DIABLO is signing autographs in full racing gear.
SHAWN:
Yo, El Diablo! What's up, man? Shawn Spencer, this is my partner, Squirts Macintosh. Just have a couple sort of serious questions for you.
EL DIABLO turns to mount his bike.
SHAWN:
Oh, no, no, no, you don't have to get on the bike.
EL DIABLO revs his bike then takes off, forcing SHAWN and GUS to move out of the way.
SHAWN:
Dude, he's running. International sign of guilt. Let's go! Quick.
They run to a vintage motorcycle with a sidecar. SHAWN puts on a leather jacket.
SHAWN:
Get in the sidecar.
GUS:
Are you out of your damn mind? I'm not getting in that thing. You get in there.
SHAWN:
Gus, you have absolutely no idea how to drive a motorcycle. Get in the sidecar. (zips up the jacket and puts on gloves)
GUS gets in the sidecar and they both put on helmets and goggles. SHAWN looks at his reflection.
SHAWN:
Dude, it's like High Road to China.
GUS:
What are you doing?
SHAWN:
We're going, we're going.
SHAWN revs the engine and takes off, leaving GUS behind, coughing the exhaust.
EXT. PARK, DAY
EL DIABLO races through the park, scaring pedestrians. SHAWN chases him and begins to gain when EL DIABLO has engine trouble. SHAWN passes him and blocks the trail, causing EL DIABLO to swerve and crash, his helmet coming off. SHAWN takes off his helmet and hurries over, grabbing EL DIABLO as he starts to get up. He pulls off the headcover to reveal LEWIS.
SHAWN:
Lewis? You're El Diablo?
GUS arrives on a tiny putt-putt motorcycle.
GUS:
Lewis?!
SHAWN:
That is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.
GUS:
Shut up, Shawn. (stands and heads over to the others) You're guilty of attempted patricide.
SHAWN:
And you tried to kill your own dad. (throws headcover at him)
LEWIS:
I never tried to kill anyone. You really think I’d hire detectives if I wanted to bump off my own dad? What kind of psychic are you?
SHAWN:
The kind that loves bees and historical novels. The kind that knows a lie when he hears one.
GUS:
And knows that only the guilty make a run for it.
LEWIS:
The only thing I am guilty of is not telling my dad that I do this too. And I ran because I don't want you two exposing my secret.
SHAWN:
Why hide it?
LEWIS:
My dad forbids me from being a daredevil because he didn't want me to get hurt. Do you know what it's like to have your father tell you not to follow in his footsteps?
SHAWN:
I wish.
LEWIS:
(picks up helmet) I did this because I care about my dad. As soon as El Diablo starts making some noise and he knows I’m legit, then I’ll tell him. (picks up bike) Then maybe he'll let me take over the family business and finally retire. Hopefully before he gets really hurt.
SHAWN looks closely at the motorcycle and sees that LEWIS painted over the name “Vicki” - the name that is on DUTCH’S current bike.
SHAWN:
Whoa! Psychic vision! Incoming! I see colors. On your hands. On your bike. On your hands. My daughter… My sister... My Father the Hero.
LEWIS:
Yeah, I repainted my bike recently. I had paint on my hands.
SHAWN:
Repainted why? Because you stole it from your dad?
LEWIS:
I borrowed it. Dad was supposed to use this in the last jump but Manny got us a sponsor and a new bike. Tech specs said the new bike was way safer. Left this one for me.
SHAWN:
Who the hell is Manny?
GUS:
The agent.
SHAWN:
Oh.
LEWIS:
Look, you guys aren't gonna tell him who I am, right?
SHAWN:
Mmm (picks up LEWIS’ helmet)
LEWIS:
It's a sensitive subject. He won't understand it right away. I just want him to come to grips with... This is what I am. I didn't choose it.
SHAWN:
Yeah. (hands LEWIS his helmet) I had a similar experience with my dad when I told him I wanted to take Gus here to the prom. (laughs) Come on, you and me at the prom? No? Misfire? Okay.
EXT. PARK, DAY
SHAWN and GUS are walking to the car.
SHAWN:
So the exploding motorcycle was provided at the last minute by Dutch's agent Manny. Who probably slapped those sponsor decals on himself. I'd say that warrants investigation.
GUS:
Doesn't make sense. Why would an agent risk his client's life? Isn't that his money train?
SHAWN:
Remember the after party?
>>>FLASHBACK>>>
MANNY:
I told you, Clutch, Explosions, crashes. That's what people pay to see.
>>>END FLASHBACK>>>
SHAWN:
Manny may not be trying to kill Dutch.
They get into the car.
GUS:
But he's making the stunts more dangerous to add a little pizzazz to Dutch's act.
SHAWN:
Which in turn gets Dutch more gigs!
GUS:
Which in turn is only increasing Manny's 10%.
SHAWN:
Which in turn makes me wonder why you would use the word “pizzazz”.
INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY
JULIET is watching all the women as they passed by, assessing them for girlfriend material. SHAWN and GUS come up behind her.
GUS:
What are you doing?
SHAWN:
I'll give you an A-plus for the skulking, but a C-minus for the leering.
JULIET:
I have to find Lassiter a date for the weekend. I've narrowed it down to three prospective candidates.
SHAWN:
Jules, why would you possibly want to jump into that snake pit?
JULIET:
Vick ordered me to.
SHAWN:
All right. Would you like me to give your candidates the psychic once over?
JULIET:
(stands) If you have to.
SHAWN:
I'm sensing it'll be easier to get a stranger to go out with him than someone he works with.
GUS:
Or knows him.
SHAWN:
Or has ever had a conversation with him.
GUS:
Or he hasn't shot.
SHAWN:
One more question. Are we locked into the same species?
JULIET:
Enough already. What are you guys doing here?
GUS:
We need a background check on Manny Robertson.
JULIET:
Oh, I know that name. Yeah, we've had him in here a few times on some get-rich-quick scams. Why him?
SHAWN:
I'm getting a very strong vibe off him on this awesome daredevils case we're working.
JULIET:
(laughs) Daredevils, really? They're still around?
SHAWN:
Don't... don't do that. Don't hate on the devils.
JULIET:
I just... I-I never got it personally. I mean, "Ooh, I can jump over a flaming trashcan." I mean, why do people care?
GUS:
Allow me. (does his “cool” rubbing his nose with his thumb)
GUS takes two straight-backed chairs and places them side-by-side in the hall.
JULIET:
What is he doing?
SHAWN:
Wait for it.
GUS takes a few steps back and eyes the chairs before getting down into starting position.
SHAWN:
Wait for it!
GUS then runs and jumps over the chairs.
SHAWN:
(applauds) What's up?
Others join in clapping.
ALL:
Gus! Gus! Gus!
Sometime later there are six chairs lined up and a crowd has gathered to watch. JULIET looks at SHAWN who nods. GUS then gives advice to BUZZ who runs and makes the leap, only to have his foot get caught on the last chair. He wipes out. GUS groans in sympathy.
SHAWN:
Ow.
BUZZ:
(gets up) I'm okay, I’m okay, I'm okay.
SHAWN:
Need any more proof?
JULIET:
No, I got it.
Everyone walks away, spell broken.
BUZZ:
I’m…I'm fine.
EXT. DUTCH’S HQ, DAY
SHAWN and GUS drive up ready to confront MANNY.
GUS:
We need to find Manny as soon as possible.
SHAWN:
We should have a little breathing room, actually. If Manny’s our mad saboteur, he won't strike until he has an audience.
GUS:
During the actual stunt. Not during rehearsal.
SHAWN:
Exactly.
At this point, DUTCH comes peeling into the lot.
SHAWN:
Next stunt's tomorrow. (gets out of the car) A jump, closing night of the fair. Dutch should be safe till then. Clutch!
SHAWN and GUS raise their hands in greeting and witness DUTCH’S car explode. They cough from the smoke.
SHAWN:
Or not.
DUTCH gets out of the car coughing and bends over.
SHAWN:
Holy…
SHAWN and GUS hurry over to DUTCH.
GUS:
Are you all right?
DUTCH:
(straightens) What?!
GUS:
(loud) Are you all right? Should we call the cops or the ambulance?
DUTCH:
What the hell for? I've done that stunt a thousand times. That was just a rehearsal.
Four people come out and use fire extinguishers on the car.
DUTCH:
Now it's your turn. Come on, I got you set up over at the stadium.
SHAWN and GUS look at each other as DUTCH walks away. SHAWN smiles and follows.
INT. STADIUM, BACKSTAGE, DAY
SHAWN and GUS follow DUTCH.
SHAWN:
You know, Dutch, seeing as how Gus and I are just getting started, we’ve a couple questions about representation. Namely, your agent Manny.
DUTCH:
First we rehearse. Then I gotta strip Viki down and oil her joints.
GUS:
Wow, not too shy about your wife, are you?
DUTCH:
I'm talking about my bikes. I name 'em all after my wife.
GUS:
Maybe we could just talk to Manny himself. Whereabouts is he?
DUTCH:
I'll call him later, after I give Viki a lube job and pull her nuts. Hey, guys, come on! We gotta get ready for that catapult stunt! (walks off)
A CREW member comes over with two bodysuits.
CREW:
You boys ready to work? Strip and put these on.
Some time later, SHAWN and GUS have changed into the suits and are standing in a baby pool. The same CREW member comes over and makes sure that the suits are done properly.
CREW:
All right, this one's easy. All you gotta do is stand here. (walks away)
GUS:
How the hell are we supposed to help Dutch when we're stuck doing this stuff?
SHAWN:
As long as we're making sure the stunts are safe, he can't get killed.
GUS:
I'll make it safe for me outside.
SHAWN:
You need to man up.
The CREW member returns and hands them head-covering masks.
CREW:
I'd put these masks on if I was you.
SHAWN:
What for?
Another crew member starts spraying them with liquid from a cannister.
GUS:
What is this, an underwater stunt or something? Wait, is that gasoline?
The CREW member starts up a flamethrower and SHAWN and GUS scream like girls and jump out of the pool.
GUS:
You must be out of your damn mind!
CREW:
(turns off the flamethrower) Well, we had to see how fire retardant these suits were.
GUS:
You didn't know that before you tried to set us on fire?
SHAWN pats GUS down and GUS slaps his off.
CREW:
What do you think you're getting paid for?
At that moment MANNY drives up honking the horn.
MANNY:
Dutch, Dutch! Great news, baby. Apparently some crazy fan ran El Diablo off the road at the classic bike show and he injured his shoulder. He can't do the clock tower death drop stunt and I got it for you.
DUTCH:
Rock on, Manny!
They high-five and DUTCH grips his hand in pain.
CREW:
All right, we're gonna have to rig these two up and drop 'em off the building first.
SHAWN raises his hand to say something.
MANNY:
No, no, no time to rehearse.
GUS:
Thank you, Lord.
MANNY:
The time of the event was already advertised. If we want it, we gotta do it now. You up for it, Dutch?
DUTCH:
What, are you kidding? (climbs into the back seat and around to the front) Hell, one time I bungee jumped off a building twice as high as that tower. And even though the bungee cord snapped on the way down, I still made it to the George Thorogood concert that night. True story. Yeehaw!
MANNY:
Yes, sir! We're gonna make some money, Dutch.
MANNY and DUTCH drive away.
GUS:
No rehearsal? That's convenient. Manny's rushing Dutch into another stunt unprepared.
SHAWN:
Another stunt. Another chance for sabotage.
EXT. TOP OF CLOCK TOWER, DAY
SHAWN and GUS look out over the side of the tower. There is a small tent where DUTCH is getting ready. There is also a camera crew.
GUS:
What is going on?
SHAWN:
Apparently Dutch is going to jump from the building, spread his arms, and glide down to that large pillow, all live on camera for some daredevil web site.
VIKI opens the curtains with a flourish and poses for the cameras. DUTCH then steps out wearing his suit and also poses.
DUTCH:
Red!
SHAWN and GUS turn away to face him and sigh. They watch as RED, the crew member from earlier, helps adjust the stunt suit. He is wearing a jacket advertising Dunkin’ Donuts.
SHAWN:
You see that?
GUS:
Yes. Now I’m in the mood for some coffee.
SHAWN:
What are you talking about?
GUS:
Coffee, Shawn.
SHAWN:
What are you looking at?
GUS:
The same thing you're looking at.
SHAWN:
It's a Dunkin' Donuts patch, Gus.
GUS:
And they have excellent coffee. They have one on my extended route.
SHAWN:
You know what, dude? You astound me. And now I must have a blueberry crumb. It's totally triggered my donut launch sequence.
GUS:
Will you focus, Shawn?
SHAWN:
I can't.
SHAWN looks over and sees MANNY whispering in DUTCH’S ear. DUTCH then mounts the steps by the edge and hold out his arms to his sides, showing his paneled red, white & blue cape. He knocks on his head with his fist a couple of times and prepares to jump. SHAWN then sees a hastily sewn seam attaching two panels.
SHAWN:
No, don't jump!
SHAWN grabs DUTCH by the waist to pull him away from the edge but the momentum sends them over, screaming. Everyone runs over to see that DUTCH his holding onto the ledge and SHAWN is holding onto him.
MANNY:
Jeez!
DUTCH:
What the hell's wrong with you?
MANNY:
Everything's wrecked now. (reaches down to help pull up DUTCH)
VIKI:
Are you all right, baby?
SHAWN:
Gus! A little help!
GUS:
Grab my hand! Grab my hand!
GUS pulls SHAWN up while MANNY and LEWIS help DUTCH.
VIKI:
(hits SHAWN on the back) You could've killed my husband, you idiot!
MANNY:
Gotcha!
DUTCH is safely back on the tower.
SHAWN:
Idiot? How about mind-blowing genius? Dutch, please. Spread your arms the way you would in the middle of the stunt.
DUTCH:
I don't take orders from nimrods like you.
VIKI:
Dutch, do it. Do it!
DUTCH does so and the cape rips at the seam. He realizes that he could have died. VIKI gasps.
SHAWN:
If you would've jumped, you would've died.
INT. DUTCH’S TRAILER, DAY
Everyone is inside and DUTCH is pissed at SHAWN.
DUTCH:
What the hell kind of stunt was that you tried to pull out there? Nobody steals my spotlight! Nobody! You're just damn lucky Manny pulled me off that roof before I got a chance to throw you off it!
SHAWN:
Dutch, I’m gonna level with you. We're not really professional stuntmen.
GUS:
No.
DUTCH:
Now that’d explain all the screaming. So what the hell's going on?
GUS:
Uh, we're, um, uh...
SHAWN:
Animal activists!
GUS:
Right.
SHAWN:
And that is the truth. We are here to stop you from abusing any more large impressive exotic game in your act. Shame on you, Dutch the Clutch.
DUTCH:
I ain't got no animals in my act!
SHAWN:
Well, that settles that. Gus and I will be going.
GUS and SHAWN stand and try to leave.
DUTCH:
Sit down!
They sit.
DUTCH:
Now the next thing that comes out of your mouth better be the truth. Otherwise we're gonna start rehearsing that “bury you alive” stunt.
GUS:
(stands) We're detectives. He's a psychic. We were hired by your son.
LEWIS:
Look, Dad, I can explain.
DUTCH:
I'm a Christian man! What the hell are you trying to do getting me all mixed up in that voodoo dark force stuff?
GUS:
He... We think that someone is trying to sabotage your stunts.
LEWIS:
Let's just hear 'em out. Have you guys found anything?
GUS:
Yes, we think that it's your...
SHAWN:
(interrupts) We're not sure who it is yet, exactly. (stands)
DUTCH:
That's because nobody's trying to kill me. News flash! Almost dying's par for the course for my line of work.
SHAWN:
(puts hand to head) Dutch, someone tampered with that gliding suit. The spirits are sure of it.
DUTCH:
That gliding suit tore because I bought it during the gliding suit boom in 1977. And that fall wouldn't have killed me! Damn, one time I jumped out a blimp 500 feet in the sky. Had a heart attack on the way down. Two hours later, I was eating a BLT in Red Robin. True story!
SHAWN:
Dutch, please listen to us.
DUTCH:
No! You listen to me because I’m only gonna say it one time. You're fired! Red, help these boys out.
RED grabs SHAWN by the shoulder.
GUS:
Wait a second. Whoa, Red! Whoa!
SHAWN sees a tattoo on RED’S arm that says “Vikings”. RED pushes him towards the door.
SHAWN:
Huh, so we're not gonna shoot Gus out of a cannon later? No?
EXT. DUTCH’S TRAILER, DAY
SHAWN and GUS are thrown out.
SHAWN:
Okay, okay.
They look back at the trailer questioningly.
INT. CAR, NIGHT
JULIET and LASSITER are on a stakeout. LASSITER is taking photos.
LASSITER:
There's something I love about these low-rent stakeouts. All you gotta do is snap some pictures of a guy with some stolen merchandise.
JULIET:
Why didn't you wear the burgundy turtleneck?
LASSITER:
Because it didn't occur to me to change for a stakeout. Why?
JULIET:
No reason. I just... I really like you in that burgundy turtleneck. And with short hair. And you know what else? A little cologne wouldn't kill you.
LASSITER:
All right, you think I don't know what's going on here. Look, I’ve noticed you kind of checking me out at the squad and asking about my dating habits.
JULIET:
It's not a big deal. It's just...
LASSITER:
Listen, it is perfectly normal for a junior officer to develop feelings for her superior, someone she feels is a mentor and...
JULIET:
Oh, no! (laughs) No, no! Oh, my God, no.
LASSITER:
O’Hara, it's okay.
JULIET:
No, no, Vick ordered me to find you a girlfriend.
LASSITER:
What?
JULIET:
Yeah. You know, we've noticed that you've been on edge lately. And thought it might help. And I have this friend you can meet later who likes cops…
LASSITER:
I don't believe this. That's a total invasion of my privacy, not to mention unprofessional. And so what? I sleep alone. So what if I saw a frozen dinner in half before I microwave it every night? So what if I seriously considered planting evidence on my wife's new boyfriend? I mean, that's... It’s just... Oh, God. I may need your help.
JULIET:
That's all I want to do. (checks phone) Oh, damn, I’m not getting a signal. All right, I’m gonna go find a hot spot and then when I get back, I'll tell you all about my friend. (leaves)
INT. PSYCH, NIGHT
SHAWN and GUS enter.
GUS:
Why didn't you tell them about Manny?
SHAWN:
Because it's not him. When Manny was adjusting Dutch's suit before the stunt he whispered something in his ear. I, of course, read his lips. He said he didn't want him wearing that gliding suit. He wanted him to wear the black one because it was far more slimming. And then he said, "Purple camel lawn mower, man."
As he is talking, SHAWN takes two cans out of the fridge. GUS takes one as SHAWN puts the other away. After GUS opens the can, SHAWN takes it and drinks from it.
GUS:
How the hell are we supposed to help Dutch now that we've been banished?
SHAWN:
I'm gonna go over there and start working on it. (walks away and leaves fridge open)
GUS:
You're wasting energy, Shawn. Do you see solar panels up in here? (takes a can from fridge before closing it)
INT, STADIUM, BACKSTAGE, NIGHT
SHAWN and GUS are with LEWIS.
LEWIS:
Come on, now, you guys gotta hurry. The next stunt is coming up fast. Dad'll kill me if he finds out I let you back in here.
SHAWN:
Don't worry, Lewis. We'll be as nonexistent as an Aldo Nova fan.
LEWIS opens a door and lets them into the area where they test stunts.
GUS:
So, what are we looking for?
SHAWN:
Red. When he gave us the heave-ho, I saw an old tattoo on his arm. First four letters spelled "Viki" but in a slightly different font from the rest.
GUS:
So?
SHAWN:
So he was probably seeing her before she married Dutch. Right? She leaves him, he gets a different tattoo artist to add the "n-g-s" to conceal it from his boss.
GUS:
Maybe Red's trying to eliminate the competition.
SHAWN:
Bingo.
They see RED wheeling out one of DUTCH’S motorcycles. He’s acting a little cagey. They follow, staying out of sight. They stop near a machine with snacks. SHAWN twists the dial to take food without taking his eyes off RED.
GUS:
Let me go first. I'm more stealthy.
SHAWN:
In your dreams.
GUS:
I'm as graceful as a gazelle, Shawn.
SHAWN:
You are not.
GUS:
A jackal.
SHAWN:
Dude, a jackal is not graceful. It's like a rabid, vicious badger.
SHAWN holds out his hand and GUS takes some of the food.
GUS:
Ssshhh. (enters Jackal Mode)
SHAWN walks alongside GUS and they watch as RED takes out a small red plastic case.
SHAWN:
Now what is that?
GUS:
This is it. I bet you that's a bomb and he's gonna put it on one of the bikes.
RED leaves the room with the case.
SHAWN:
Hmm.
They sneak over to the door and peer through the window. They see RED setting up an IV and DUTCH unbuttoning his shirt.
DUTCH:
Come on, Red. Let's get this over with.
GUS:
What the heck?
SHAWN sees the names on the IV bag and the bottle.
SHAWN:
Dude, why would someone take gemcetabine or capecitabine?
GUS:
Wow, you were nowhere close on the pronunciation.
SHAWN:
What are they for?
GUS:
Those two together, you probably got pancreatic cancer.
SHAWN:
Prognosis?
GUS:
Not good. It's pretty terminal.
SHAWN:
He's dying?
SHAWN and GUS walk back through the main area.
GUS:
So Red is not the bad guy. He wouldn't smuggle in drugs to help Dutch and then turn around and kill him.
SHAWN:
This case is bizarre. Why kill someone if he's already dying?
GUS:
That begs the question who knows he's dying?
EXT. STADIUM, DAY
SHAWN:
We don't come up with something soon, he's a goner. We need to know who stands to gain from Dutch's death. And for that we need his will.
GUS:
But Lewis said there was no will.
SHAWN:
(peers into the trailer window) He doesn't know his dad's dying, Gus. If you were dying of cancer, wouldn't you have a will? (listens at the door)
GUS:
Are you kidding? I've had my estate planner on speed dial ever since we started this stupid business. Do you know how many times I’ve had a gun shoved in my face because of you?
SHAWN:
Three? (opens the door)
GUS:
Wrong answer.
They go inside and GUS shuts the door after them.
INT. DUTCH’S TRAILER, DAY
SHAWN is kneeling on the floor looking through a file box while GUS looks in the bedroom.
GUS:
We're never gonna find it.
SHAWN:
(looks at floor tile) Wait a minute. There's something weird with this tile.
GUS:
Looks fine to me.
SHAWN:
(opens Swiss Army knife) No, no, no. The pattern's off, just a little bit. Like someone pried one up and put it down wrong.
SHAWN pries up the tile to reveal an envelope.
SHAWN:
Bingo. (grabs the envelope)
GUS:
Is that his will?
SHAWN:
(opens envelope) It's just as good. A life insurance policy.
GUS:
That doesn't make any sense.
SHAWN:
Tell me about it. Dude, seriously, Tell me about it. I have no idea what this means. (gives GUS the policy)
GUS:
You never could understand legalese.
SHAWN:
Oh, really? Remind me who it was that set up our Psych 401(k)?
GUS:
Oh, you mean our 601(k)s? Because India doesn't have 401(k)s.
SHAWN:
It's a growth economy, Gus. We've already made, like, 500 rupees.
GUS:
That's $13.
SHAWN:
Man, just tell me what I need to know.
GUS:
Shh! Do I rush you when you're doing your whole, "Ooh, I’m sensing this, I’m sensing that?"
SHAWN:
Always, and you usually jab me in the ribs with your elbow. Which is like a chocolate harpoon.
GUS:
Are you finished?
SHAWN:
Maybe.
GUS:
On first read it says if Dutch dies of natural causes, there's barely a payout.
SHAWN:
That doesn't make any sense for someone who's always putting himself at risk.
GUS:
But Dutch has a unique indemnity policy. If he dies during one of his stunts, his beneficiaries receive $1.2 million.
SHAWN:
Who are the beneficiaries?
GUS:
His wife and his son.
SHAWN:
Gus. I know who our killer is. (knocks head against cabinet before getting up)
INT. STADIUM, BACKSTAGE, NIGHT
ANNOUNCER:
And it is a packed house here for tonight's main event!
SHAWN waves down DUTCH on his motorcycle, preparing the enter the stadium proper.
ANNOUNCER:
The legendary Dutch "The Clutch" Jenkins in his most dangerous stunt ever. We are moments away from show time, ladies and gentlemen!
DUTCH stops and removes his helmet.
DUTCH:
What the hell are you doing here? I thought I fired your ass.
SHAWN:
(walks to side of bike) I just came to apologize to you, Dutch.
DUTCH:
For what?
SHAWN:
I was wrong about you. All this time, I thought you were the kid who shot milk out of his eye. You know? Willing to do just about anything for attention regardless of how it affects the people around you. But that's...that's not the case, is it?
DUTCH:
Son, I’m getting tired of the sound of your gums flapping.
SHAWN:
You're all about family. Aren't you, Dutch? You love 'em more than life. That's why you've been trying to kill yourself. I sensed a dark cloud over you. You're terminally ill. I'm sorry, man. It must be so scary knowing that you're gonna die, especially when you're all that your family has. And that's why you took out that special insurance policy, the one that only you know about. Now all you gotta do is make sure that you die in the middle of a stunt and your family gets a windfall. Right? It should've been a simple matter of you sabotaging your own stunts. But, Dutch, you're a victim of your own talent. You actually are a little unkillable. Even with all your faulty mechanics, your instincts kicked in and prevented you from failing.
ANNOUNCER:
(muffled) It's almost show time, folks. Dutch "The Clutch" Jenkins is here to perform a gravity defying spectacle.
SHAWN:
Look, I know this is your last stunt for a while, and that's my fault. If this disease gets you before your next show, your family gets nothing. So, I’m sure whatever your method is tonight, it's foolproof.
DUTCH:
What are you gonna do now?
SHAWN:
Nothing. I'm not gonna try and stop you. And I will not say anything if you go through with it. (holds his hand up) You have my word.
DUTCH looks at him slowly before taking his hand in a firm grip. They let go and DUTCH puts on his helmet.
SHAWN:
Just let me leave you with this, Dutch. It doesn't take a psychic to see how much people love you. Your son came to me, and hired a psychic against his better judgment to keep you alive. And you don't know this yet, but all he wants in the world is to be more like you. You go to your son or your wife or anyone on your crew for that matter, and you ask them which they'd rather have. Six more months with you or a million dollars. You know damn well what they'll answer and they won't have to think about it for a second.
DUTCH:
(lifts visor and looks at SHAWN) Is that right?
SHAWN:
(nods) True story.
DUTCH:
You're wrong. (reaches down and does something to the bike) I was that kid in class who shot milk out of his eyes. And I was damn good.
DUTCH closes his visor and starts up the engine. He then taps his helmet twice before speeding through the open doors into the stadium proper. SHAWN can only rub the back of his head as he watches him go.
ANNOUNCER:
And here he is now! Dutch "The Clutch" Jenkins!
The crowd chants his name as DUTCH takes position. SHAWN walks away. He stops as he hears the ANNOUNCER.
ANNOUNCER:
And he's off. Speeding down the ramp. He's past the point of no return. It's all or nothing.
SHAWN turns around and stares at the space outside the open doors, waiting.
ANNOUNCER:
He did it! He did it! A perfect landing! Give it up as Dutch is doing a victory lap around the arena. What a night! You've witnessed history here tonight, folks! Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it...
SHAWN smiles in relief and walks away.
EXT. STREET, NIGHT
JULIET is walking back to the car with coffee but pauses when she sees LASSITER talking and laughing with a WOMAN in the car.
LASSITER:
No, really? You grew up your whole life in Santa Barbara?
WOMAN:
Yeah. I didn’t like it much…
JULIET reaches the car.
LASSITER:
Oh, no. Who did, right? I just cannot believe that! That's amazing. That's fascinating.
JULIET walks over to LASSITER.
JULIET:
(through window) What are you doing?
LASSITER:
Oh, I’m just talking to your friend Blair here. She's great. We have so much in common.
JULIET:
She's not my friend.
LASSITER:
What do you mean? You didn't send her down here to meet me?
JULIET:
No! I don't invite friends to dangerous stakeouts. But I know her. She's a professional.
LASSITER:
(turns to BLAIR) Please tell me you're a hit man.
JULIET:
Oh, Carlton!
BLAIR:
So are we gonna do this or not?
LASSITER and JULIET show her their badges.
BLAIR:
I gotta go. (gets out and walks away)
LASSITER:
So, I guess we're not on for Saturday, huh? (facepalms)