These days.
These days I've been so happy. I've met great people, made new friends, continued to embrace my old ones.
I'm happy.
There are things in my life that I'm lacking, like employment (on a legitimate level), but most things aren't so lacking that I wonder around aimless and useless.
I only own one pair of pants that I actually wear. I wear the same band shirts over and over, and my shoes are ratty. My nail polish has almost chipped off completely, and I don't worry if my mascara has smudged.
The things in life I always thought would matter, don't matter anymore...and it's damn refreshing.
I ask myself 'Joy, what do you need out of life...and what do you want out of life?' every night before I go to bed, but truthfully, 'What do I want?' is usually what I ask myself first.
Sometimes I think that I actually might be afraid to really know what I 'need.'
But I'm not going to run anymore...and I'm going to figure it out RIGHT NOW in my journal...as well as the things I want, because, those are always nice.
When I was a little girl, I always wanted things, toys...that sort of deal, as did most children. There was this doll I really wanted called 'Baby Alive.' I wanted her for so bad and for so long, and finally, I got her one year for Christmas from my grandmother. I was happy with that toy for a long time, but I just moved on to wanting other things, and I usually got them when that time of the year came around.
Now that I'm older and I'm a young woman, the things I want...aren't so easy to distinguish.
What do I want?
Well...the present and future are very different things.
Today, I want...hrmmm...a new computer. I'm bloody sick and tired of staring at this old one. But it serves me well, and I guess in a way I've grown fond of the ugly monitor with no monitor stand.
But what I really want to get to the bottom is, is what I really want for myself...out of life, and out of myself. Emotionally, and physically...not materialistically.
I want to have a great relationship with my family, and by family, I mean my father, grandmother, sister, uncle, aunt and two young cousins. That's the extent of my family. But I want to KNOW that they're my family. I want to have a super strong family bond with them. It's already there in a lot of ways, but I definitely want to improve that.
I want a better relationship with my friends. I want to be a better friend to everyone I know. Tighter bonds, better understanding. Enough said.
I really want a good attitude. I want to be able to look at a situation with the glass half full. I'm not the worst pessimist in the world, but I'd still like to improve. Like, if someone doesn't email me back when I expect them to, well...I want to chalk it up to something other than me, personally. That one will be a tough one to achieve.
Almost more than anything else, I want to be in love again. I don't mean the kind of love that draws you out into a tiny, frail string where you could just like...be snapped in half at any time. I want REAL love, passionate love...where you're so for that person, one hundred percent behind them. And you know that they'll be there for you doing the same thing. I want to work as a team with someone...and have a wonderful life with that 'one and only.' It's a huge life goal, which means, it'll probably come harder to me. But I know I will love again.
The most important on my list is happiness. I want to be so happy in life that, even if I don't fall in love again, I'm still happy...and don't feel like I'm lacking.
I want to be a person who is just comfortable with 'being,' and not always having to be 'doing' to maintain my happiness. *shrugs*
Geez, what do I need!? That's not as simple.
Ok...I need stability, reliability, kindness and understanding from myself. I'm doing pretty good with those things. I'd love it if compassion to come easy for me. I have a hard time feeling compassion for a lot, because, that emotion makes you feel like...such a huge hole inside of you, especially if there is nothing you can do to help. But I need to feel it, it kinda gives you passion in a way.
When I was a kid, I was so compassionate and sensitive about everything. If I saw a dead bird on the street I would just like...bawl my eyes out and feel total pain. I had such care and compassion for animals and babies.
Now...well, I don't have it so much anymore.
But that's something I really want to get back for myself. I don't want to be bitter. I'm not going to let bitterness hide the real me.
I need to stop getting angry, bitter and hurt over dumb things that don't matter. I've been doing great, and I got my yelling almost nipped in the bud, but...there's still things that I'm over sensitive about. If I knew how little people thought of me, I might be relieved, but depending on who they were...I might get hurt.
This one always confuses me, because growing up I was always the girl that got into fights and yelled and had the teeth holes in my knuckles.
That side of me literally went away over night (thanks to 'O'), but...I'd have to say, now when I get mad don't yell and scream at people...I just pick apart and analyze myself, which can be a good thing, or a very harmful thing.
I just want to relax. Haha!
I need to clean up my messes. Honestly, I'm a clean freak at heart, but I got to get rid of my laziness. It's my worst trait. That's the one thing I have to work on 100%.
I need to avoid listening to bad people talk about bad things, especially when I know it's coming right at me. That kind of stuff is always frivolous, because confronting people doens't change people's hearts. When I'm at a party, and a chick says "Hey, Joy, can we go for a walk?" which means "Hey, Joy, can I gossip your ear off and tell you the most horrible things that will make you feel like shit, make you feel awkward, and none of which you can change?", I'll say "No, sorry, it's not a good time for me right now."
It's never a good time to listen to gossip, and the less you know, the safer you are.
I've already put this into action, I just need to remind my self from time to time.
I need to be able to commit to things, even if they aren't fun. I need the ability to be able to stick through something thick and thin even if it's not where it's fun to be at the time.
Man...I need good work ethic. My dad has one of those...and I've heard so much about them, but it's not something I harbor right now myself. I think I should pick that up from him soon, because it'll definitely be one of his greatest gifts to me. That's a really important tool to pass on to your children, but I guess I've never been interested before. Well I am now. I have wants for the future...so I'll need it.
I need self discipline. I need to chose my words wisely, and more importantly, my actions. I want to be one of those people that...are really great at handling bad situations.
I'm getting better, I'm almost there...
I need to be able to love myself, no matter what happens. I guess that's more important to me than anything else. I do love myself, which sounds so wrong, but sometimes I just need to remind myself. You know, get all romantic on myself. :P Hah! j/k
Hrmm...I think I made a pretty good list.
I'm doing pretty good on most of them...well, not the whole 'in love' thing. That one...is going to be the hardest one to open up to, and to be quite frank...the idea of doing it again...makes me so ill, because I totally know what kind of pain there is love. And I know all the great things that can just...leave...so quick. But I also know how good it feels, and how safe it feels. It's honestly...one of those feelings that really do make you feel all fuzzy.
The 'Not be lazy' one is going to be so hard too...sooo hard, and just thinking about it makes me not want to get up and throw this yogurt cup away. Hahaha!
But hrmm...this list...
...but getting there...now I need to know how to get there and become the victor. Oh yes!
I'm happy.
There are things in my life that I'm lacking, like employment (on a legitimate level), but most things aren't so lacking that I wonder around aimless and useless.
I only own one pair of pants that I actually wear. I wear the same band shirts over and over, and my shoes are ratty. My nail polish has almost chipped off completely, and I don't worry if my mascara has smudged.
The things in life I always thought would matter, don't matter anymore...and it's damn refreshing.
I ask myself 'Joy, what do you need out of life...and what do you want out of life?' every night before I go to bed, but truthfully, 'What do I want?' is usually what I ask myself first.
Sometimes I think that I actually might be afraid to really know what I 'need.'
But I'm not going to run anymore...and I'm going to figure it out RIGHT NOW in my journal...as well as the things I want, because, those are always nice.
When I was a little girl, I always wanted things, toys...that sort of deal, as did most children. There was this doll I really wanted called 'Baby Alive.' I wanted her for so bad and for so long, and finally, I got her one year for Christmas from my grandmother. I was happy with that toy for a long time, but I just moved on to wanting other things, and I usually got them when that time of the year came around.
Now that I'm older and I'm a young woman, the things I want...aren't so easy to distinguish.
What do I want?
Well...the present and future are very different things.
Today, I want...hrmmm...a new computer. I'm bloody sick and tired of staring at this old one. But it serves me well, and I guess in a way I've grown fond of the ugly monitor with no monitor stand.
But what I really want to get to the bottom is, is what I really want for myself...out of life, and out of myself. Emotionally, and physically...not materialistically.
I want to have a great relationship with my family, and by family, I mean my father, grandmother, sister, uncle, aunt and two young cousins. That's the extent of my family. But I want to KNOW that they're my family. I want to have a super strong family bond with them. It's already there in a lot of ways, but I definitely want to improve that.
I want a better relationship with my friends. I want to be a better friend to everyone I know. Tighter bonds, better understanding. Enough said.
I really want a good attitude. I want to be able to look at a situation with the glass half full. I'm not the worst pessimist in the world, but I'd still like to improve. Like, if someone doesn't email me back when I expect them to, well...I want to chalk it up to something other than me, personally. That one will be a tough one to achieve.
Almost more than anything else, I want to be in love again. I don't mean the kind of love that draws you out into a tiny, frail string where you could just like...be snapped in half at any time. I want REAL love, passionate love...where you're so for that person, one hundred percent behind them. And you know that they'll be there for you doing the same thing. I want to work as a team with someone...and have a wonderful life with that 'one and only.' It's a huge life goal, which means, it'll probably come harder to me. But I know I will love again.
The most important on my list is happiness. I want to be so happy in life that, even if I don't fall in love again, I'm still happy...and don't feel like I'm lacking.
I want to be a person who is just comfortable with 'being,' and not always having to be 'doing' to maintain my happiness. *shrugs*
Geez, what do I need!? That's not as simple.
Ok...I need stability, reliability, kindness and understanding from myself. I'm doing pretty good with those things. I'd love it if compassion to come easy for me. I have a hard time feeling compassion for a lot, because, that emotion makes you feel like...such a huge hole inside of you, especially if there is nothing you can do to help. But I need to feel it, it kinda gives you passion in a way.
When I was a kid, I was so compassionate and sensitive about everything. If I saw a dead bird on the street I would just like...bawl my eyes out and feel total pain. I had such care and compassion for animals and babies.
Now...well, I don't have it so much anymore.
But that's something I really want to get back for myself. I don't want to be bitter. I'm not going to let bitterness hide the real me.
I need to stop getting angry, bitter and hurt over dumb things that don't matter. I've been doing great, and I got my yelling almost nipped in the bud, but...there's still things that I'm over sensitive about. If I knew how little people thought of me, I might be relieved, but depending on who they were...I might get hurt.
This one always confuses me, because growing up I was always the girl that got into fights and yelled and had the teeth holes in my knuckles.
That side of me literally went away over night (thanks to 'O'), but...I'd have to say, now when I get mad don't yell and scream at people...I just pick apart and analyze myself, which can be a good thing, or a very harmful thing.
I just want to relax. Haha!
I need to clean up my messes. Honestly, I'm a clean freak at heart, but I got to get rid of my laziness. It's my worst trait. That's the one thing I have to work on 100%.
I need to avoid listening to bad people talk about bad things, especially when I know it's coming right at me. That kind of stuff is always frivolous, because confronting people doens't change people's hearts. When I'm at a party, and a chick says "Hey, Joy, can we go for a walk?" which means "Hey, Joy, can I gossip your ear off and tell you the most horrible things that will make you feel like shit, make you feel awkward, and none of which you can change?", I'll say "No, sorry, it's not a good time for me right now."
It's never a good time to listen to gossip, and the less you know, the safer you are.
I've already put this into action, I just need to remind my self from time to time.
I need to be able to commit to things, even if they aren't fun. I need the ability to be able to stick through something thick and thin even if it's not where it's fun to be at the time.
Man...I need good work ethic. My dad has one of those...and I've heard so much about them, but it's not something I harbor right now myself. I think I should pick that up from him soon, because it'll definitely be one of his greatest gifts to me. That's a really important tool to pass on to your children, but I guess I've never been interested before. Well I am now. I have wants for the future...so I'll need it.
I need self discipline. I need to chose my words wisely, and more importantly, my actions. I want to be one of those people that...are really great at handling bad situations.
I'm getting better, I'm almost there...
I need to be able to love myself, no matter what happens. I guess that's more important to me than anything else. I do love myself, which sounds so wrong, but sometimes I just need to remind myself. You know, get all romantic on myself. :P Hah! j/k
Hrmm...I think I made a pretty good list.
I'm doing pretty good on most of them...well, not the whole 'in love' thing. That one...is going to be the hardest one to open up to, and to be quite frank...the idea of doing it again...makes me so ill, because I totally know what kind of pain there is love. And I know all the great things that can just...leave...so quick. But I also know how good it feels, and how safe it feels. It's honestly...one of those feelings that really do make you feel all fuzzy.
The 'Not be lazy' one is going to be so hard too...sooo hard, and just thinking about it makes me not want to get up and throw this yogurt cup away. Hahaha!
But hrmm...this list...
...but getting there...now I need to know how to get there and become the victor. Oh yes!