My response to Lauren's Post RE: "The Meaning of Wife"
In our girls' bookclub we are reading "The Meaning of Wife" by Anne Kingston. Lauren wrote this post-- "The Meaning of Wife" is making my blood BOIL! -- in which she describes how much she hates the book. Since I couldn't fit my response into her comments section, I am posting it here.
I completely disagree with you about the book. I LOVE the book. I don't find that she man-bashes at all. She's not saying marriage is a prison and that women who get married are stupid. She presents a history of marriage, feminism, social norms, advertising, and words. She isn't passing judgment on anyone, least of all your parents. She is merely presenting the history of what it has meant to some, historically and recently, to be a wife. I have yet to suss out her full opinion. I believe she unbiasedly presents what our society is putting out there in relation to marriage. She submits why Oprah won't get married. Discusses Princesses Diana's troubles. She's not making anything up about them. She talks about feminist writers who poo-pooed marriage, but then got married or referred to lovers as husbands. She never says they are stupid for doing so. She never says that they suck. I think she is just stating without words that marriage is a powerful institution and you can worry about it and fear it, even write feminist literature denouncing it, but there's something truly magical about it. Something that is real, safe, loving like nothing else, and secure.
You think you can get married and not feel any pressure to become a "blithering idiot," but I'm certain when the time comes you will have your moments. Everyone does. Some of the things you do will be irrational because you are scared, nervous, crazy with love, and caught up. Some things are woven intrinsically into the fabric of our lives, and the exhilaration and anxiety of marrying are there for everyone I've known to do it. I'm sure your Mom felt much anxiety and exhilaration telling her parents off and marrying who she wished. Defying your parents for love is no humdrum thing to do. Even if it turns out for the best.
Kingston presents a very real aspect of what it means to be a woman these days. The roles we play. The Barbies we are. And wife is just one of those roles. I'm always categorizing the "roles" I undertake-- Mom, wife, bride, career-woman, daughter, sister, friend. Wife is just one of many roles and I think Kingston illuminates some history and the more finer threads that the concept of wife weaves into our lives. She's not dissing your parents or Dan and I or telling you that you are stupid for having your thoughts on marriage. She's looking objectively at the entity of marriage, its association with a wedding, its place within our psyche and our culture. She presents all the baggage (subconscious and otherwise) that women and men have to muddle through to have a mutually supportive and equal partnership.
You have a great example. But don't forget that there's a history here too for women to marry to live, to escape her home, and/or because her parents forced her to for money, power, or tradition. Lucky for you, your parents presented you with a guide. Nonetheless,don't underestimate the greater cultural environment that you were reared in, which includes an extensive past of wife as someone to take care of and/or property. And until you quit your job and stay home to have kids, don't poo poo on the alpha-beta (breadwinner-supporter) connection. As much as staying home to raise Van is fulfilling, I often feel that I'm more the "supporter" aspect of our equation. Dan is a fine man, husband, and father, so the feelings I have he doesn't put there. But I definitely feel that what I do at home is to help his journey into the working world better. The cooking, laundry, cleaning, taking care of Van, when I do this stuff, there's an underlying current of how this makes Dan's days better. How it makes those hard days at the office easier. How I can earn my right, my privilege to stay at home by doing as much as I can for him and Van. Definitely, there's some beta thoughts there. Would you say I was a beta? Would you say that I was the lesser portion? No. And neither did Kingston. She just said that the Wife role is often seen as lesser and that somestimes male hold these roles too. You might say that I was a part of a team, that Dan couldn't do this without me. And that's what I like to tell myself too, but it's sometimes it doesn't feel completely true. He could pay someone else to watch Van while he works, if I wasn't here. You could make the argument that I'm the one he's "paying" to watch Van while he works, but that makes me his employee. Definitely, a beta/support position. I'm not saying that I feel like a second fiddle or lesser person. I'm just saying that those things she refers to in her book have extreme merit. And are definitely not things/emotions to be dismissed without a thorough look. Having had to wrestle with what it means to be a wife and a mother oh so recently, I find all this stuff she mentions all too true. I had to become one with the fact that Dan made all the money and that my daily task were all home bound-- laundry, tending baby, cleaning. And when you've been a working girl, interacting with people, it takes some getting used to to just interact with husband and baby most days. As I was becoming one with this new life of mine, there were (and are) the more "feminist" (for lack of a better word) parts of me that had to come to terms with that. It took some time for it to sink in that staying home to raise baby is very worthy endeavour. It seems obvious, but when you are accustomed to getting some self-worth from your career and some independence from the money you make, it's a kick in the pants to find yourself a dependent with a dependent on your husband. And I don't know what you know about Feminism, but it used to mean (to some) bra-burning and man-hating and defying baby-making and marriage. Then when they least expected it, the feminist that supported that kind of feminism found themselves (hypocritically perhaps) enjoying wifedom, children, house, and home. Our generation of feminists have had to reclaim feminism. We have to defy the man-hating notion of feminism-past and the parts of feminism that have turned us to emulating men in order to be equal. We are women with our own power and we have choices as to how to wield that power now. I think the book presents those issues that surround and shape us and our society and our choices. But truly not everyone has a Dad that tells them they rock like you do. Women still believe on some level that they are incomplete until they have a husband and that comes from the fabric of marriage/wifedom/relationships/love woven in our lives. You are a part of that fabric too and maybe those more negative concepts of marriage don't effect you now, but someday they might effect you or your husband or children.
I simply don't know how you could have read the first 40 pages and felt like she was judging you. You even end your post with the declaration that you are going to have a traditional white wedding party hoopla Kingeston be damned. But I don't think that she is trying to deny anyone that. She is just saying that traditional weddings are a part of what it means to be Western Woman. You want a big wedding. But why? Because it is a make-up of your social and cultural fabric and Kingston discusses it without judgment or rose-colored glasses. And maybe you feel attacked, but what she says about the feminists who talked up marriage to be prison is true. There are people who believe that. What she says about all young women knowing Vera Wang and Tiffany are true. You came to my wedding. You saw how untraditional it was, but I still know Vera and Tiffany. I still wore white. I still had my Dad "give me away." All traditional wedding stuff you see only exists in our society because someone made that shit up. And even the weird ones among us, like myself, embrace the traditional wedding stuff, regardless of how we embrace being married. And marriage is hard and at the beginning, it sometimes felt like a prison. And I can see how if you find yourself in a marriage where communication isn't already superb, you will become each other's wardens. But I think Kingston writes about the way marriage can be-- exhibiting the parts of wifedom that make us worry about Mr. Right, that make us worry if we will become Mrs. Wrong.
I completely disagree with you about the book. I LOVE the book. I don't find that she man-bashes at all. She's not saying marriage is a prison and that women who get married are stupid. She presents a history of marriage, feminism, social norms, advertising, and words. She isn't passing judgment on anyone, least of all your parents. She is merely presenting the history of what it has meant to some, historically and recently, to be a wife. I have yet to suss out her full opinion. I believe she unbiasedly presents what our society is putting out there in relation to marriage. She submits why Oprah won't get married. Discusses Princesses Diana's troubles. She's not making anything up about them. She talks about feminist writers who poo-pooed marriage, but then got married or referred to lovers as husbands. She never says they are stupid for doing so. She never says that they suck. I think she is just stating without words that marriage is a powerful institution and you can worry about it and fear it, even write feminist literature denouncing it, but there's something truly magical about it. Something that is real, safe, loving like nothing else, and secure.
You think you can get married and not feel any pressure to become a "blithering idiot," but I'm certain when the time comes you will have your moments. Everyone does. Some of the things you do will be irrational because you are scared, nervous, crazy with love, and caught up. Some things are woven intrinsically into the fabric of our lives, and the exhilaration and anxiety of marrying are there for everyone I've known to do it. I'm sure your Mom felt much anxiety and exhilaration telling her parents off and marrying who she wished. Defying your parents for love is no humdrum thing to do. Even if it turns out for the best.
Kingston presents a very real aspect of what it means to be a woman these days. The roles we play. The Barbies we are. And wife is just one of those roles. I'm always categorizing the "roles" I undertake-- Mom, wife, bride, career-woman, daughter, sister, friend. Wife is just one of many roles and I think Kingston illuminates some history and the more finer threads that the concept of wife weaves into our lives. She's not dissing your parents or Dan and I or telling you that you are stupid for having your thoughts on marriage. She's looking objectively at the entity of marriage, its association with a wedding, its place within our psyche and our culture. She presents all the baggage (subconscious and otherwise) that women and men have to muddle through to have a mutually supportive and equal partnership.
You have a great example. But don't forget that there's a history here too for women to marry to live, to escape her home, and/or because her parents forced her to for money, power, or tradition. Lucky for you, your parents presented you with a guide. Nonetheless,don't underestimate the greater cultural environment that you were reared in, which includes an extensive past of wife as someone to take care of and/or property. And until you quit your job and stay home to have kids, don't poo poo on the alpha-beta (breadwinner-supporter) connection. As much as staying home to raise Van is fulfilling, I often feel that I'm more the "supporter" aspect of our equation. Dan is a fine man, husband, and father, so the feelings I have he doesn't put there. But I definitely feel that what I do at home is to help his journey into the working world better. The cooking, laundry, cleaning, taking care of Van, when I do this stuff, there's an underlying current of how this makes Dan's days better. How it makes those hard days at the office easier. How I can earn my right, my privilege to stay at home by doing as much as I can for him and Van. Definitely, there's some beta thoughts there. Would you say I was a beta? Would you say that I was the lesser portion? No. And neither did Kingston. She just said that the Wife role is often seen as lesser and that somestimes male hold these roles too. You might say that I was a part of a team, that Dan couldn't do this without me. And that's what I like to tell myself too, but it's sometimes it doesn't feel completely true. He could pay someone else to watch Van while he works, if I wasn't here. You could make the argument that I'm the one he's "paying" to watch Van while he works, but that makes me his employee. Definitely, a beta/support position. I'm not saying that I feel like a second fiddle or lesser person. I'm just saying that those things she refers to in her book have extreme merit. And are definitely not things/emotions to be dismissed without a thorough look. Having had to wrestle with what it means to be a wife and a mother oh so recently, I find all this stuff she mentions all too true. I had to become one with the fact that Dan made all the money and that my daily task were all home bound-- laundry, tending baby, cleaning. And when you've been a working girl, interacting with people, it takes some getting used to to just interact with husband and baby most days. As I was becoming one with this new life of mine, there were (and are) the more "feminist" (for lack of a better word) parts of me that had to come to terms with that. It took some time for it to sink in that staying home to raise baby is very worthy endeavour. It seems obvious, but when you are accustomed to getting some self-worth from your career and some independence from the money you make, it's a kick in the pants to find yourself a dependent with a dependent on your husband. And I don't know what you know about Feminism, but it used to mean (to some) bra-burning and man-hating and defying baby-making and marriage. Then when they least expected it, the feminist that supported that kind of feminism found themselves (hypocritically perhaps) enjoying wifedom, children, house, and home. Our generation of feminists have had to reclaim feminism. We have to defy the man-hating notion of feminism-past and the parts of feminism that have turned us to emulating men in order to be equal. We are women with our own power and we have choices as to how to wield that power now. I think the book presents those issues that surround and shape us and our society and our choices. But truly not everyone has a Dad that tells them they rock like you do. Women still believe on some level that they are incomplete until they have a husband and that comes from the fabric of marriage/wifedom/relationships/love woven in our lives. You are a part of that fabric too and maybe those more negative concepts of marriage don't effect you now, but someday they might effect you or your husband or children.
I simply don't know how you could have read the first 40 pages and felt like she was judging you. You even end your post with the declaration that you are going to have a traditional white wedding party hoopla Kingeston be damned. But I don't think that she is trying to deny anyone that. She is just saying that traditional weddings are a part of what it means to be Western Woman. You want a big wedding. But why? Because it is a make-up of your social and cultural fabric and Kingston discusses it without judgment or rose-colored glasses. And maybe you feel attacked, but what she says about the feminists who talked up marriage to be prison is true. There are people who believe that. What she says about all young women knowing Vera Wang and Tiffany are true. You came to my wedding. You saw how untraditional it was, but I still know Vera and Tiffany. I still wore white. I still had my Dad "give me away." All traditional wedding stuff you see only exists in our society because someone made that shit up. And even the weird ones among us, like myself, embrace the traditional wedding stuff, regardless of how we embrace being married. And marriage is hard and at the beginning, it sometimes felt like a prison. And I can see how if you find yourself in a marriage where communication isn't already superb, you will become each other's wardens. But I think Kingston writes about the way marriage can be-- exhibiting the parts of wifedom that make us worry about Mr. Right, that make us worry if we will become Mrs. Wrong.