A Letter To Myself
06/21/2005
Dear Patrick,
Why do you do this to yourself? You should realize now that it's unfair and foolish to get upset like you do. Like just now over the phone with Tony. He makes the time and effort to at least call you from Boys State, even if for only two minutes, and you shut him out. You do this cause you're so paranoid and dellusional he will bring you some sort of shocking news. Which may be inevidable, but it will never be preventable.
You can't always assume that anyone you get emotionally attached to will automatically run away, and go off and screw you over. Yes, it happened in the past, it happens to everyone. Sometime's you just need to get over it. Calm down Patrick. What's meant to be will be, and what's not will end accordingly.
It hurts I know. I am you. It feels so painful and confusing not to know where to go. And all you have to turn to is the dark silence of your mind, and to all of your fears and retreat with your tail between your legs.
Pursuing someone, or anything for that matter; takes a risk. But that risk is what makes something worth anything, to know you worked past your inhibitions, your fears, and apprehensions and still went for it. You worked for something out of your comfort zone...to something potentionally better.
This is what life is all about. I know, I'm the side of you who has taken those risks. You will look back upon this, in laughter or curiosity and know, that this side of you came out and showed you, that you need to wake up.
Even at this moment, you are in deep fearfulness of the conversation you're having with Tony. Let it be, just let whats said be said. It will all work out how it is supposed to. You cannot change the outcome of what will be, nor can you ever know what will come of it. You just have to hope that everyone will have made the right choice, and it will be done with.
Why do you do this to yourself? I know you are a very intelligent, willed, and determined person. You are bright and gifted in your own way like no other, it's what makes you, Patrick. I know, you've helped yourself out a lot of rough times, by no ones hand but your own. Know that you are this strong person, because you are still here typing, breathing, thinking, and most importantly living.
Patrick, your time will come. Everyones time will come when it's right. It will piss you off, annoy you, make you jealous to see others around you finding their happy moments, their joys in life; while you are still waiting for yours. Patience would not be a virtue if it came easy. It is something you have to bare with and take with as much self-restraint and calmness as possible. It will be all you have to do.
You are calmer already. I can see it. Maybe because these words I am saying are helping you realize, or Tony just hasn't answered his IM. I hope it is the former, I know it has to be.
But know this, you are most afraid of his rejection of you. The short sentence of "I don't know what I want." Scares you to death, because that means he didn't want you. But you let yourself want him, or the pursuance of him. Just stand strong, because if he doesn't want you, there will be someone, somewhere, sometime, who will with all there heart.
You know it's true. Remember back. Just imagine that. Love doesn't have to come once in a lifetime, especially when you're only 16. Bruno loves you to this day. Know that. Use what you had, and although it ended, know you are better for his love. Know that someday you will have that feeling again. It will be fate, and it is one of the most beautiful things in the world.
You're sitting with tearfilled eyes, typing. Knowing you've seen this beauty in the world, past ANY troubled moment, any fight or falling out, and most hurtful- a broken heart. You've stood at the edge of today and seen the world for the beautiful place it really is. The simple fact that the world does exist for you.
Don't ever let that realization go. It's precious and most people will never realize it, many cannot open their eyes past their own lives and see, really see what a miracle their life can possess.
You have a lot of demons hidden away. Demons you wish not to face and give into because it's just that much easier. You have lived with deep guilt and resentment for yourself for too many years. Patrick, please forgive yourself.
The guilt, shows you care for the right thing. Now it is time to let go of that guilt to be able to now do the right in any situation you face. You will not be able to grow in any relationship, like your family, unless you learn to give into the guilt, and learn better.
Cry, Patrick, you're only human. Just breath and take it one moment at a time.
You have your whole life ahead of you. A whole life that will be filled with times you'll never wish you experienced and times when that experience is more then you could ever wish for. Live for those moments, and live for your life, no holds bar. You know what's best for you, and although you may feel like you miss out on a great deal you are capable of one of two things. 1) Getting over it, and jumping head first into doing more for yourself, or 2) Knowing that some of what you missed out on was nothing that you'll ever miss and you'll be a better person for it.
You are not normal, nor do you have a normal life. You've known this since you were barely eight years old you will never be normal. You've wanted to die, run away, cry in a corner. You've cut yourself with sharp blades to dull the pain, you've run away from all the happiness you've known. You've figured out that you're gay, and that in itself is a situation unbareable at times.
This may have been your life, or still is, but that does not mean that is who you are. It will never be, because you know you can be better then any blade, or any dark corner and lonely night. You are not normal Patrick, you know it. Guess what though, that is what makes you so special, you are unique, like no other. Most people will never forget you if they took the time to realize who you are. That's special Patrick. That's something that will always set you apart.
Now there are times when it will work against you, but know overall, and past everything it will most definitely work in your favor. Normal never got anyone anywhere, it was those who broke from the normal and saw something else that achieved a greatness. Patrick, you will find your greatness...
You've smiled. I just saw you, not more then 3 minutes ago and you know you did. Even from a less then fulfilling conversation with a main issue. You just heard the truth, from Tony, "I know what I want- but I don't know where to go with it."
Patrick, that's your answer. You knew this was going to be a big issue. You know it all along! I have to give you respect for looking past it to the grand prize, but sometimes face facts, issues like Tony going away for a month, and you not seeing him, does put a very big strain on starting anything.
You know yourself Patrick. You've been through similiar situations. Bruno left, two thousand miles across the ocean, and you kept with it. So admirable but, foolish at the same time.
You know Tony likes you, and you like him in return. This issue is not one to be taken lightly. Maybe it would be best for you too not to try anything. A month is a long time, and the circumstances are harder then most.
You have until Sunday to give yourself time to think. I know, you hate letting go. But, sometimes it could be best, or most wise to do so. Patrick, I know you will make the right decision. You have me, yourself, to back you up on anything you are bound to face.
Goodbye, know I love you, myself, although you cannot see it, it's there. You just have yet to realize how important you are.
Sincerely,
Patrick Michael McKelvey
Dear Patrick,
Why do you do this to yourself? You should realize now that it's unfair and foolish to get upset like you do. Like just now over the phone with Tony. He makes the time and effort to at least call you from Boys State, even if for only two minutes, and you shut him out. You do this cause you're so paranoid and dellusional he will bring you some sort of shocking news. Which may be inevidable, but it will never be preventable.
You can't always assume that anyone you get emotionally attached to will automatically run away, and go off and screw you over. Yes, it happened in the past, it happens to everyone. Sometime's you just need to get over it. Calm down Patrick. What's meant to be will be, and what's not will end accordingly.
It hurts I know. I am you. It feels so painful and confusing not to know where to go. And all you have to turn to is the dark silence of your mind, and to all of your fears and retreat with your tail between your legs.
Pursuing someone, or anything for that matter; takes a risk. But that risk is what makes something worth anything, to know you worked past your inhibitions, your fears, and apprehensions and still went for it. You worked for something out of your comfort zone...to something potentionally better.
This is what life is all about. I know, I'm the side of you who has taken those risks. You will look back upon this, in laughter or curiosity and know, that this side of you came out and showed you, that you need to wake up.
Even at this moment, you are in deep fearfulness of the conversation you're having with Tony. Let it be, just let whats said be said. It will all work out how it is supposed to. You cannot change the outcome of what will be, nor can you ever know what will come of it. You just have to hope that everyone will have made the right choice, and it will be done with.
Why do you do this to yourself? I know you are a very intelligent, willed, and determined person. You are bright and gifted in your own way like no other, it's what makes you, Patrick. I know, you've helped yourself out a lot of rough times, by no ones hand but your own. Know that you are this strong person, because you are still here typing, breathing, thinking, and most importantly living.
Patrick, your time will come. Everyones time will come when it's right. It will piss you off, annoy you, make you jealous to see others around you finding their happy moments, their joys in life; while you are still waiting for yours. Patience would not be a virtue if it came easy. It is something you have to bare with and take with as much self-restraint and calmness as possible. It will be all you have to do.
You are calmer already. I can see it. Maybe because these words I am saying are helping you realize, or Tony just hasn't answered his IM. I hope it is the former, I know it has to be.
But know this, you are most afraid of his rejection of you. The short sentence of "I don't know what I want." Scares you to death, because that means he didn't want you. But you let yourself want him, or the pursuance of him. Just stand strong, because if he doesn't want you, there will be someone, somewhere, sometime, who will with all there heart.
You know it's true. Remember back. Just imagine that. Love doesn't have to come once in a lifetime, especially when you're only 16. Bruno loves you to this day. Know that. Use what you had, and although it ended, know you are better for his love. Know that someday you will have that feeling again. It will be fate, and it is one of the most beautiful things in the world.
You're sitting with tearfilled eyes, typing. Knowing you've seen this beauty in the world, past ANY troubled moment, any fight or falling out, and most hurtful- a broken heart. You've stood at the edge of today and seen the world for the beautiful place it really is. The simple fact that the world does exist for you.
Don't ever let that realization go. It's precious and most people will never realize it, many cannot open their eyes past their own lives and see, really see what a miracle their life can possess.
You have a lot of demons hidden away. Demons you wish not to face and give into because it's just that much easier. You have lived with deep guilt and resentment for yourself for too many years. Patrick, please forgive yourself.
The guilt, shows you care for the right thing. Now it is time to let go of that guilt to be able to now do the right in any situation you face. You will not be able to grow in any relationship, like your family, unless you learn to give into the guilt, and learn better.
Cry, Patrick, you're only human. Just breath and take it one moment at a time.
You have your whole life ahead of you. A whole life that will be filled with times you'll never wish you experienced and times when that experience is more then you could ever wish for. Live for those moments, and live for your life, no holds bar. You know what's best for you, and although you may feel like you miss out on a great deal you are capable of one of two things. 1) Getting over it, and jumping head first into doing more for yourself, or 2) Knowing that some of what you missed out on was nothing that you'll ever miss and you'll be a better person for it.
You are not normal, nor do you have a normal life. You've known this since you were barely eight years old you will never be normal. You've wanted to die, run away, cry in a corner. You've cut yourself with sharp blades to dull the pain, you've run away from all the happiness you've known. You've figured out that you're gay, and that in itself is a situation unbareable at times.
This may have been your life, or still is, but that does not mean that is who you are. It will never be, because you know you can be better then any blade, or any dark corner and lonely night. You are not normal Patrick, you know it. Guess what though, that is what makes you so special, you are unique, like no other. Most people will never forget you if they took the time to realize who you are. That's special Patrick. That's something that will always set you apart.
Now there are times when it will work against you, but know overall, and past everything it will most definitely work in your favor. Normal never got anyone anywhere, it was those who broke from the normal and saw something else that achieved a greatness. Patrick, you will find your greatness...
You've smiled. I just saw you, not more then 3 minutes ago and you know you did. Even from a less then fulfilling conversation with a main issue. You just heard the truth, from Tony, "I know what I want- but I don't know where to go with it."
Patrick, that's your answer. You knew this was going to be a big issue. You know it all along! I have to give you respect for looking past it to the grand prize, but sometimes face facts, issues like Tony going away for a month, and you not seeing him, does put a very big strain on starting anything.
You know yourself Patrick. You've been through similiar situations. Bruno left, two thousand miles across the ocean, and you kept with it. So admirable but, foolish at the same time.
You know Tony likes you, and you like him in return. This issue is not one to be taken lightly. Maybe it would be best for you too not to try anything. A month is a long time, and the circumstances are harder then most.
You have until Sunday to give yourself time to think. I know, you hate letting go. But, sometimes it could be best, or most wise to do so. Patrick, I know you will make the right decision. You have me, yourself, to back you up on anything you are bound to face.
Goodbye, know I love you, myself, although you cannot see it, it's there. You just have yet to realize how important you are.
Sincerely,
Patrick Michael McKelvey