Fic: Almost Lover
Two months of Kurt’s smiles and kisses. They play over and over in Puck’s mind like an old family movie that you’ve seen so many times that you’ve started to distort the endings in your mind. Puck can’t keep them from playing no matter how different his vision of that time is from what really happened. He knows that they were never really dating, that Kurt never said anything about their future, that no one knew; but it feels like Kurt tore everything from him without really giving anything back in return. It feels like Kurt’s fingers are still resting on the inside of his wrists, like his voice is still humming old jazz into Puck’s ear as they drifted off to sleep, like he still has Kurt’s heart just underneath his hand and more than Puck misses what they had he hates Kurt for taking it all away.
He’d done every physical thing in his power to keep Kurt as happy as he could make the other boy, but it wasn’t enough and Puck still doesn’t know why. He can’t understand how Kurt could leave before they could even hold hands in real public, in places people would know them. He doesn’t understand how Kurt could hurt him so badly when he was the one that worried about getting his heart broken. He doesn’t understand how he made it so easy for Kurt to just walk in and out of his life. When did Puck start trusting people enough to get his heart broken? When did Puck let himself fall in love?
As the movie keeps playing in his head he can pinpoint moments where Kurt made his throat close with such a sweetly sad look after someone mentioned his mother, he could draw you pictures of them walking down streets not so far but in an entirely different universe from Lima and smiling like they had nothing in the entire world to be sad about, and Puck doesn’t regret a single second of it. What he regrets is being unable to drive past a park without practically bursting into tears. He really does hate Kurt for doing this to him, for leaving.
Puck is forced to walk through the halls they never got a chance to walk together, seeing all their friends who never knew about them but do know. He has to deal with the looks of sympathy that masks the real question in their eyes- what is he so sad about? No one had ever seen them together; no one had ever gotten the chance to see how Puck was around Kurt. No one saw the countless times Puck would just strum on his guitar in Kurt’s back seat with Kurt looking at him in awe, like he was amazed that he could witness such a simple act from Puck. So, now Puck must smile at these people who will never really understand what he lost and would never acknowledge that he really did lose something huge. He’d never be able talk about Kurt with these people and not see disbelieving looks on their faces when he described Kurt so perfectly. He’ll never be included when people talk about the people Kurt loves.
So, he hates Kurt for leaving, he hates Kurt for breaking his heart, but he mostly hates Kurt for making him say goodbye. He hates that he can’t hold onto his bitterness forever; he hates that he must grieve. He wanted to be angry so badly, but it’s so difficult when Kurt had made him so sad. Puck wants Kurt and everything they had to disappear so much, but every day that film repeats over and over in his head and he sees Kurt, what seems like, everywhere. Puck can never erase the image of Kurt doubled over in pain nor the last time he looked into those sad eyes.
Puck should be used to this by now. Everyone always left him, why did he assume Kurt would be any different than his dad? Or different than Quinn? Everyone always gave him just enough to draw him in then took it away before he could really enjoy it. Kurt was only different in that he didn’t say goodbye. All Puck got was a quick gesture of hand to head and Kurt was gone. All Puck got was a room full of people to tell what went wrong, who didn’t know he was grieving more than any of them. All Puck got was an ill-fitting suit to wear to his boyfriends funeral. All Puck got was a seat fifth in line in Kurt’s life. All Puck got was to be a single father to the baby in his stomach. Puck got one last reminder of just how much Kurt Hummel had invaded his life.
All Puck wanted was Kurt back.
He’d done every physical thing in his power to keep Kurt as happy as he could make the other boy, but it wasn’t enough and Puck still doesn’t know why. He can’t understand how Kurt could leave before they could even hold hands in real public, in places people would know them. He doesn’t understand how Kurt could hurt him so badly when he was the one that worried about getting his heart broken. He doesn’t understand how he made it so easy for Kurt to just walk in and out of his life. When did Puck start trusting people enough to get his heart broken? When did Puck let himself fall in love?
As the movie keeps playing in his head he can pinpoint moments where Kurt made his throat close with such a sweetly sad look after someone mentioned his mother, he could draw you pictures of them walking down streets not so far but in an entirely different universe from Lima and smiling like they had nothing in the entire world to be sad about, and Puck doesn’t regret a single second of it. What he regrets is being unable to drive past a park without practically bursting into tears. He really does hate Kurt for doing this to him, for leaving.
Puck is forced to walk through the halls they never got a chance to walk together, seeing all their friends who never knew about them but do know. He has to deal with the looks of sympathy that masks the real question in their eyes- what is he so sad about? No one had ever seen them together; no one had ever gotten the chance to see how Puck was around Kurt. No one saw the countless times Puck would just strum on his guitar in Kurt’s back seat with Kurt looking at him in awe, like he was amazed that he could witness such a simple act from Puck. So, now Puck must smile at these people who will never really understand what he lost and would never acknowledge that he really did lose something huge. He’d never be able talk about Kurt with these people and not see disbelieving looks on their faces when he described Kurt so perfectly. He’ll never be included when people talk about the people Kurt loves.
So, he hates Kurt for leaving, he hates Kurt for breaking his heart, but he mostly hates Kurt for making him say goodbye. He hates that he can’t hold onto his bitterness forever; he hates that he must grieve. He wanted to be angry so badly, but it’s so difficult when Kurt had made him so sad. Puck wants Kurt and everything they had to disappear so much, but every day that film repeats over and over in his head and he sees Kurt, what seems like, everywhere. Puck can never erase the image of Kurt doubled over in pain nor the last time he looked into those sad eyes.
Puck should be used to this by now. Everyone always left him, why did he assume Kurt would be any different than his dad? Or different than Quinn? Everyone always gave him just enough to draw him in then took it away before he could really enjoy it. Kurt was only different in that he didn’t say goodbye. All Puck got was a quick gesture of hand to head and Kurt was gone. All Puck got was a room full of people to tell what went wrong, who didn’t know he was grieving more than any of them. All Puck got was an ill-fitting suit to wear to his boyfriends funeral. All Puck got was a seat fifth in line in Kurt’s life. All Puck got was to be a single father to the baby in his stomach. Puck got one last reminder of just how much Kurt Hummel had invaded his life.
All Puck wanted was Kurt back.