I wanna be your hunger
Sometimes I wonder why I act the way I do. Today I wasn*t acting right. I was not myself. I slept in & just woke up in this dreamy haze. I just walked out the door & went to my g-parentals to work out. I did a bit over a mile on the tread then did my abs while I watched It Takes Two. When I watched that movie I thought about how people really evolve into these completely different human beings. I mean take the Olsens for example. Over time, the industry has completely attempted to destroy them & because of that they evolved into really unhappy human beings for a while. It*s sad how off course you can get because of the media. I am such a self conscious person sometimes for that reason.
Around 2, Andrew picked me up to go to Justine*s graduation party. At the beginning, I don*t know what was up with me but I was acting so weird. I just felt so out of place. Maybe because of Ari, Mia, & Diane*s bond. Maybe because I just felt so much less pretty around all these really skinny girls around me all afternoon. Maybe for some other random reason. But I hated this all because it was one of my days where I was being ridiculous. I need to accept everything that is going on & make the best of my life right now even if I dislike it. Brendan & Sam played music for 2 hours or so & that was nice even if Sam*s voice was making funny noises at times haha. But it*s all good. We all went swimming a bit after they stopped playing & that was fun because the diving board was sweet & the water was warm & well cause swimming is fun. But I was mad once again at myself because I just didn*t get in the water when Brendan & Sam did & usually I am not the one to wait for the rest of the girls to go in. I was just disappointed I was sorta acting like a typical girl. But I was being stupid & feeling compared to the rest of the 6-pack running girls when I just shouldn*t care when I am around them. After hanging out with them for a little while, my Mom picked me up & I headed home. When I got home, I decided I needed to go for a nice run to get my thoughts in order. So I did a good 2 miles at a pretty fast pace without getting too exhausted. It was really refreshing. I finally really listened to the new DMB CD today cause Bren gave me a copy & I really shouldn*t have judged it so soon. It isn*t bad. It is not amazing but it*s good & has some great songs. Of course not their best work but these songs live make them all the better so it doesn*t matter. They are a live band so nobody can hate them till they try seeing them live I guess. I hope Amy calls & ends up coming to my house tomorrow like she promised. I would love to see her. I cannot wait to go back to gymnastics next week.
I had a great talk with Sam last night. It was great because I got almost exactly the same amount of time talking to my best friends the last 2 days. Brendan two days ago & Sam last night. Both almost exactly 3 hour conversations. Got so much off my chest. Sometimes just emptying my brain & having a good friend analyze stuff can do ya good. Too bad I truly analyze everything too much. But I sorta have a new goal for the summer. Well, a goal that I have been meaning to achieve for about a year but been too fearful. But it needs to be done just to see what would happen. I never hold back & this pretty much is the only thing I have held back ever. And I need to release all of it so maybe I can start to make a leap forward away from the past & on to the future. And either result I get could be good even if right now it seems it may not. The best thing could happen or I could just finally get released from this burden of anxiousness.