If you leave tonight don't say goodbye
This first part has nothing to do really with what I actually want to say. I just have a frustration with a sister to air out. My second to oldest sister on my mom’s side is expecting her first grandchild in November. Needless to say she’s really excited, as any future grandmother should be. When it was really touch and go with my mother the sister and I went out to the living room to have a good cry, and she said something I really didn’t appreciate. She started crying because my mom wouldn’t get to see her new great grandbaby… Yeah, that’s really sad, and I felt for her, but the major part of me wanted to scream and say, “What about me?” I’m not even close to getting married, there’s no guys that I’m even interested in. Of course than, there’s no children in the even near distant future in store for me. It just frustrates me when people either can’t or refuse to see the big picture. I know it would be hard for that particular sister for my mom not to see her great grandkid, but I still have far more milestones to cross over that I hope my mom will be here for.
This whole year I’ve been kind of mourning my mother, she hasn’t been in the greatest of health and there have been some touch and go moments through out. She started chemo in March, and has been living off of blood transfusions for a little over two years. Also, with her bipolar disease she hasn’t been the mother I knew when I was younger for about five years. There have been plenty of times over the years that I’ve had to reevaluate who my mother would be and the relationship that we would have from that point on. This three weeks (exactly) in the hospital like I said has been a rollercoaster of emotions. There was a good week that we thought my mom would pass… I got as comfortable as a daughter can get with losing her mother. I prepared myself I guess to let go and let God take her into His arms. In fact, I think I got to the point where I was excited. She’s been a fighter her whole life, and it seems like every time she does get close to death I ask myself “is this time going to be the last?” There was four times in total in my life that my dad and I counted that she has come close to death, and each time she seems to get closer before fighting back.
Don’t get me wrong I’m happy that she has fought back and will be with us longer (how ever long that maybe), but half of me wises she would have let go. I can’t imagine how much it takes out of her body to do the fighting she has, and I hate to see the doctors have to add one more thing to keep her quality of life and a “normal” level. Even than it seems to mean more hospital visits, medications and doctors involved to oversee everything.
I’m really confused right now. Not sure how to label how I’m feeling about all that has happened in the past three weeks. It was nice to see sisters and have us band together like we did. Seeing them meant a lot to my mom, and sadly some of them probably when she gets 100% again won’t come to visit her until she gets really sick again… That’s life I guess, and their decision. My mom’s a great woman even with the complications she’s had in life she’s always tried to be there in any and every way possible.
I love her a lot and I’m glad I get to have her a little longer… hopefully when the time comes for me to not have her I’ll have crossed those milestones, and I’ll be able to let go again.
This whole year I’ve been kind of mourning my mother, she hasn’t been in the greatest of health and there have been some touch and go moments through out. She started chemo in March, and has been living off of blood transfusions for a little over two years. Also, with her bipolar disease she hasn’t been the mother I knew when I was younger for about five years. There have been plenty of times over the years that I’ve had to reevaluate who my mother would be and the relationship that we would have from that point on. This three weeks (exactly) in the hospital like I said has been a rollercoaster of emotions. There was a good week that we thought my mom would pass… I got as comfortable as a daughter can get with losing her mother. I prepared myself I guess to let go and let God take her into His arms. In fact, I think I got to the point where I was excited. She’s been a fighter her whole life, and it seems like every time she does get close to death I ask myself “is this time going to be the last?” There was four times in total in my life that my dad and I counted that she has come close to death, and each time she seems to get closer before fighting back.
Don’t get me wrong I’m happy that she has fought back and will be with us longer (how ever long that maybe), but half of me wises she would have let go. I can’t imagine how much it takes out of her body to do the fighting she has, and I hate to see the doctors have to add one more thing to keep her quality of life and a “normal” level. Even than it seems to mean more hospital visits, medications and doctors involved to oversee everything.
I’m really confused right now. Not sure how to label how I’m feeling about all that has happened in the past three weeks. It was nice to see sisters and have us band together like we did. Seeing them meant a lot to my mom, and sadly some of them probably when she gets 100% again won’t come to visit her until she gets really sick again… That’s life I guess, and their decision. My mom’s a great woman even with the complications she’s had in life she’s always tried to be there in any and every way possible.
I love her a lot and I’m glad I get to have her a little longer… hopefully when the time comes for me to not have her I’ll have crossed those milestones, and I’ll be able to let go again.