Fanfic: Feeling!
Title: Feeling
Rating: R for the dark themes
Summary: Ianto just wants to feel something again.
Disclaimer: They aren't mine, I'm most deifnitly not making any money from this!!
Author's Notes: Okay was going through my fanfic folder and I came across this. I don't know when I wrote it, who I wrote it for etc, but it's here!!! It hasn't been beta'd I'm afraid so any mistakes ya know point them out and I'll try to fix them! No Season 2 spoilers!!! You will need to know what happened in Cyberwoman to understand this fic!
Warning: Dark themes, pretty Angsty.
“I don’t want you anywhere near the Hub, for the next few days. Consider this a formal suspension,” said Jack, coldly.
He watched as the man in front of him just lowered his head even more. God he’d been stupid, he should have noticed something was wrong with Ianto.
“Yes sir.”
The monotone sound of Ianto’s voice made him sigh. God how had it come to this? He watched as the Welshman left his office, he watched as the others all moved out of his way. Oh yeah he’d truly screwed up this time, and he wasn’t sure just how to make things right again.
***
After making sure the entire conversion unit was destroyed he decided now was a good as time as any to visit Ianto. He had left the man alone for the last two days, but knew he could only put off talking to Ianto for so long.
Arriving at Ianto’s house, he noticed it was dark, there didn’t seem to be any light switched on at all. Frowning worry, started to worm its way through the anger, and he found himself rushing towards the house.
He noticed that the front door hadn’t been locked as he entered the cold house; he made his way to the living room. Pushing the door open, he stepped inside, and stopped dead in his tracks. There sat on an overly clean sofa was Ianto with a bottle of some kind of wine and a small none descript container of pills. He immediately recognize the pills, it was Retcon.
“Ianto!”
It seemed his call fell on deaf ears, fear made him act instinctively. He raced over kneeling in front of the distraught man. His hands gripped Ianto’s face, hoping to provoke some kind of reaction.
“Ianto, please say something?” begged Jack.
Ever after everything that had happened he had not been planning on Retconning the man. He knew that Ianto didn’t deserve his memories being taken from him; after all he would have gone to great lengths to save someone he loved as well.
“Leave,” whispered Ianto gruffly.
“I can’t do that.”
That got a reaction, an angry reaction but at least it was a reaction. Jack got back to his feet when Ianto stood up dislodging his hands.
“You can’t order me around here, sir. You don’t have any say over what I do, sir. So kindly leave my house, sir.”
The venom in Ianto’s voice actually made him take a step backwards. The coldness he saw in the man’s eyes, made him shiver, it was a look he was all too familiar with. This wasn’t exactly how he wanted things to go.
He held up his hands, “Okay, okay your right. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t do anything stupid.” He gestured to the small pill bottle. “How many have you taken?”
“Why do you care, sir?”
“Just be glad I do, at the moment. How many?” repeated Jack.
“It doesn’t matter any more, sir.”
“God dammit Ianto, just tell me how many you’ve taken?”
“None! But that doesn’t mean I won’t, when you’ve left, or when you’re not looking!”
Jack didn’t know how to respond to that. He couldn’t believe Ianto was willing to throw his life away over this. Taking a step forwards this time, he reached out and touched Ianto’s arm, surprised when he felt the dried blood there.
Frowning he took his hand away, he knew that wasn’t right. For all the time he’d worked with Ianto, he’d never known him to be anything but pristine.
“Ianto…” trailed off Jack, not exactly sure what he was going to say.
“Just leave, please.”
How could he not do as that broken voice said, sighing he decided his best course of action was to actually leave. He turned away, hoping that in some way Ianto would call him back, but nothing came. He’d try again, maybe when they weren’t so angry with each other.
**
Ianto watched Jack leave he was still angry with the Captain. Sighing he sat himself back down on the clean sofa, not caring if the flakes of dried blood coated the upholstery. He stared at the two items sitting on his coffee table.
It was true that he hadn’t taken any yet, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to just forget who he was. To forget everything that made him who he was, who Lisa had been. Plus he couldn’t justify it in his mind, was it really the right thing for him to do?
Leaning back against the sofa, in a half slouch he closed his eyes. He could still hear and see everything that had happened in his mind, it was like he was watching it on replay all the time. Slowly the screaming inside his head quietened until all he could see was the images. Like some sort of silent horror movie.
But eventually even the pictures stopped forming and darkness over took him. Giving him some reprieve from the mess that seemed to be his life at the moment.
***
A few days later and he was standing in the shower, staring at the water swirling around the drain, the colour a light red. He felt as though he was watching someone else, watching from the outside. He brought up a hand and watched as the water washed the dried blood from his fingers, yet he didn’t feel it.
He finally had come to a decision and had not taken the Retcon; he realized it wasn’t exactly the right thing to do. Jack had come back periodically and they had talked, shouted, even thrown the odd the punch, but things were sorted. He knew he wasn’t going to be totally comfortable for a while, but at least he didn’t feel the over powering anger at him any more.
Sighing he leant his head against the tiled wall, closed his eyes and let the hot water run over his head. He felt so tired, the nightmares had pretty much kept him awake constantly, but he knew in a twisted sort of way he deserved them. This was his punishment, to remember it all in nightmares.
After a while he began to feel numb, stopped feeling, even the hot water that was running down his back he couldn’t seem to feel. It felt like someone had come along and had stopped him from feeling, had taken the ability to feel away from him. Opening his eyes he reached over and turned the heat on the shower up.
He watched as steam started to billow out the door and mist up the windows, and his arms and legs started to turn a red colour, this time not from the dried blood washing down the plug hole.
Yet he felt even colder and noticed that he’d started shivering, despite the plumes of steam shrouding him. Starting to panic slightly at the thought of not being able to feel anything again he turned the heat on the shower up again. But the water started shuddering; he could feel it hitting his head in bursts. He could vaguely make out the over heat light flick on, but he couldn’t seem to care.
But he didn’t care, it was just a light. A light that seemed to taunt him, that suddenly seemed to be screaming in his head. Screaming at the injustice of it all, he didn’t even realize that he had actually shouted out loud, until a cold hand suddenly gripped his wrists.
“What the hell are you trying to do, Ianto?”
The voice sounded far off and all he could do was blink stupidly at Jack. He must have blacked out, as the next thing he knew he was sat on the end of his bed wrapped in two overly large towels. He vaguely realized that it was one of the super soft towels he’d brought, when he’d first moved back to Cardiff.
Looking up he saw Jack pacing in front of him. He wondered what he’d done wrong; he couldn’t remember doing anything wrong. He had kept his promise of not taking any Retcon, so he really couldn’t think what he’d done wrong.
“J-Jack,” said Ianto, quietly.
He watched as Jack stopped his pacing and turned around to face him.
“What were you trying to do? Cook your self?” asked Jack shouting. “I thought you said you wouldn’t do anything stupid Ianto! What were you thinking? If I hadn’t have gotten you out, you would be in hospital with second degree burns!”
“I just…”
“Just what? Wanted to see how long it would take to literally have your skin peeling off?”
The tone in Jack’s voice, made him shrink back, so that was what Jack was mad at him for because he’d tried to make himself feel again, to make him self at least feel human again.
“No,” whispered Ianto.
“Then what Ianto? Tell me?” Jack asked sighing. “You said we never took any notice of you, never listened. How can we listen when you won’t talk?”
“I just…I just had to feel again. To gain some sort of control back,” choked out Ianto.
He lowered his head, worrying his bottom lip trying to remain calm. He clenched his hands into fist, to stop them shaking, after so long of not feeling anything suddenly all his emotions were overwhelming him.
“Oh, Ianto.”
He felt the bed dip and then a warm presence at his side, before a warm arm was wrapped around his shoulders. He didn’t resist the small tug and found himself resting against Jack’s side, taking some deep breaths trying to calm him self down. Leaning into Jack’s side shouldn’t have been as comfortable as this, he was meant to not like this man right?
Mentally shaking his head he decided he couldn’t think on that too much, the chest was comfortable and warm and he found him self closing his eyes and letting out a quiet sigh. He hoped that everything would eventually turn out right that everything would be back to normal…well as normal as it could get at Torchwood.
He dimly felt Jack’s chest rumble and realized that he had been spoken to; he looked up only to see Jack smiling at him.
“Sir?”
“Doesn’t matter, Yan, it doesn’t matter. Just rest.”
Ianto nodded, he didn’t have any more strength left to do much else. Slowly he put his head back down; he’d look at why he felt so comfortable later on. Finally he began to feel something again, even if it did confuse him a little
Rating: R for the dark themes
Summary: Ianto just wants to feel something again.
Disclaimer: They aren't mine, I'm most deifnitly not making any money from this!!
Author's Notes: Okay was going through my fanfic folder and I came across this. I don't know when I wrote it, who I wrote it for etc, but it's here!!! It hasn't been beta'd I'm afraid so any mistakes ya know point them out and I'll try to fix them! No Season 2 spoilers!!! You will need to know what happened in Cyberwoman to understand this fic!
Warning: Dark themes, pretty Angsty.
“I don’t want you anywhere near the Hub, for the next few days. Consider this a formal suspension,” said Jack, coldly.
He watched as the man in front of him just lowered his head even more. God he’d been stupid, he should have noticed something was wrong with Ianto.
“Yes sir.”
The monotone sound of Ianto’s voice made him sigh. God how had it come to this? He watched as the Welshman left his office, he watched as the others all moved out of his way. Oh yeah he’d truly screwed up this time, and he wasn’t sure just how to make things right again.
***
After making sure the entire conversion unit was destroyed he decided now was a good as time as any to visit Ianto. He had left the man alone for the last two days, but knew he could only put off talking to Ianto for so long.
Arriving at Ianto’s house, he noticed it was dark, there didn’t seem to be any light switched on at all. Frowning worry, started to worm its way through the anger, and he found himself rushing towards the house.
He noticed that the front door hadn’t been locked as he entered the cold house; he made his way to the living room. Pushing the door open, he stepped inside, and stopped dead in his tracks. There sat on an overly clean sofa was Ianto with a bottle of some kind of wine and a small none descript container of pills. He immediately recognize the pills, it was Retcon.
“Ianto!”
It seemed his call fell on deaf ears, fear made him act instinctively. He raced over kneeling in front of the distraught man. His hands gripped Ianto’s face, hoping to provoke some kind of reaction.
“Ianto, please say something?” begged Jack.
Ever after everything that had happened he had not been planning on Retconning the man. He knew that Ianto didn’t deserve his memories being taken from him; after all he would have gone to great lengths to save someone he loved as well.
“Leave,” whispered Ianto gruffly.
“I can’t do that.”
That got a reaction, an angry reaction but at least it was a reaction. Jack got back to his feet when Ianto stood up dislodging his hands.
“You can’t order me around here, sir. You don’t have any say over what I do, sir. So kindly leave my house, sir.”
The venom in Ianto’s voice actually made him take a step backwards. The coldness he saw in the man’s eyes, made him shiver, it was a look he was all too familiar with. This wasn’t exactly how he wanted things to go.
He held up his hands, “Okay, okay your right. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t do anything stupid.” He gestured to the small pill bottle. “How many have you taken?”
“Why do you care, sir?”
“Just be glad I do, at the moment. How many?” repeated Jack.
“It doesn’t matter any more, sir.”
“God dammit Ianto, just tell me how many you’ve taken?”
“None! But that doesn’t mean I won’t, when you’ve left, or when you’re not looking!”
Jack didn’t know how to respond to that. He couldn’t believe Ianto was willing to throw his life away over this. Taking a step forwards this time, he reached out and touched Ianto’s arm, surprised when he felt the dried blood there.
Frowning he took his hand away, he knew that wasn’t right. For all the time he’d worked with Ianto, he’d never known him to be anything but pristine.
“Ianto…” trailed off Jack, not exactly sure what he was going to say.
“Just leave, please.”
How could he not do as that broken voice said, sighing he decided his best course of action was to actually leave. He turned away, hoping that in some way Ianto would call him back, but nothing came. He’d try again, maybe when they weren’t so angry with each other.
**
Ianto watched Jack leave he was still angry with the Captain. Sighing he sat himself back down on the clean sofa, not caring if the flakes of dried blood coated the upholstery. He stared at the two items sitting on his coffee table.
It was true that he hadn’t taken any yet, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to just forget who he was. To forget everything that made him who he was, who Lisa had been. Plus he couldn’t justify it in his mind, was it really the right thing for him to do?
Leaning back against the sofa, in a half slouch he closed his eyes. He could still hear and see everything that had happened in his mind, it was like he was watching it on replay all the time. Slowly the screaming inside his head quietened until all he could see was the images. Like some sort of silent horror movie.
But eventually even the pictures stopped forming and darkness over took him. Giving him some reprieve from the mess that seemed to be his life at the moment.
***
A few days later and he was standing in the shower, staring at the water swirling around the drain, the colour a light red. He felt as though he was watching someone else, watching from the outside. He brought up a hand and watched as the water washed the dried blood from his fingers, yet he didn’t feel it.
He finally had come to a decision and had not taken the Retcon; he realized it wasn’t exactly the right thing to do. Jack had come back periodically and they had talked, shouted, even thrown the odd the punch, but things were sorted. He knew he wasn’t going to be totally comfortable for a while, but at least he didn’t feel the over powering anger at him any more.
Sighing he leant his head against the tiled wall, closed his eyes and let the hot water run over his head. He felt so tired, the nightmares had pretty much kept him awake constantly, but he knew in a twisted sort of way he deserved them. This was his punishment, to remember it all in nightmares.
After a while he began to feel numb, stopped feeling, even the hot water that was running down his back he couldn’t seem to feel. It felt like someone had come along and had stopped him from feeling, had taken the ability to feel away from him. Opening his eyes he reached over and turned the heat on the shower up.
He watched as steam started to billow out the door and mist up the windows, and his arms and legs started to turn a red colour, this time not from the dried blood washing down the plug hole.
Yet he felt even colder and noticed that he’d started shivering, despite the plumes of steam shrouding him. Starting to panic slightly at the thought of not being able to feel anything again he turned the heat on the shower up again. But the water started shuddering; he could feel it hitting his head in bursts. He could vaguely make out the over heat light flick on, but he couldn’t seem to care.
But he didn’t care, it was just a light. A light that seemed to taunt him, that suddenly seemed to be screaming in his head. Screaming at the injustice of it all, he didn’t even realize that he had actually shouted out loud, until a cold hand suddenly gripped his wrists.
“What the hell are you trying to do, Ianto?”
The voice sounded far off and all he could do was blink stupidly at Jack. He must have blacked out, as the next thing he knew he was sat on the end of his bed wrapped in two overly large towels. He vaguely realized that it was one of the super soft towels he’d brought, when he’d first moved back to Cardiff.
Looking up he saw Jack pacing in front of him. He wondered what he’d done wrong; he couldn’t remember doing anything wrong. He had kept his promise of not taking any Retcon, so he really couldn’t think what he’d done wrong.
“J-Jack,” said Ianto, quietly.
He watched as Jack stopped his pacing and turned around to face him.
“What were you trying to do? Cook your self?” asked Jack shouting. “I thought you said you wouldn’t do anything stupid Ianto! What were you thinking? If I hadn’t have gotten you out, you would be in hospital with second degree burns!”
“I just…”
“Just what? Wanted to see how long it would take to literally have your skin peeling off?”
The tone in Jack’s voice, made him shrink back, so that was what Jack was mad at him for because he’d tried to make himself feel again, to make him self at least feel human again.
“No,” whispered Ianto.
“Then what Ianto? Tell me?” Jack asked sighing. “You said we never took any notice of you, never listened. How can we listen when you won’t talk?”
“I just…I just had to feel again. To gain some sort of control back,” choked out Ianto.
He lowered his head, worrying his bottom lip trying to remain calm. He clenched his hands into fist, to stop them shaking, after so long of not feeling anything suddenly all his emotions were overwhelming him.
“Oh, Ianto.”
He felt the bed dip and then a warm presence at his side, before a warm arm was wrapped around his shoulders. He didn’t resist the small tug and found himself resting against Jack’s side, taking some deep breaths trying to calm him self down. Leaning into Jack’s side shouldn’t have been as comfortable as this, he was meant to not like this man right?
Mentally shaking his head he decided he couldn’t think on that too much, the chest was comfortable and warm and he found him self closing his eyes and letting out a quiet sigh. He hoped that everything would eventually turn out right that everything would be back to normal…well as normal as it could get at Torchwood.
He dimly felt Jack’s chest rumble and realized that he had been spoken to; he looked up only to see Jack smiling at him.
“Sir?”
“Doesn’t matter, Yan, it doesn’t matter. Just rest.”
Ianto nodded, he didn’t have any more strength left to do much else. Slowly he put his head back down; he’d look at why he felt so comfortable later on. Finally he began to feel something again, even if it did confuse him a little