(no subject)
Well I'm pretty much surrounded by filth at the moment. My desk is strewn with papers (most of which represent work I'm just not going to get to this weekend)dirty clothes cover the floor, clean clothes are overflowing out of the hamper, and I have no motivation for folding anything. There is ash everywhere, dirty dishes from last week since I don't think I've used any this weekend, and piles of cheesy magazines people dropped off to make me feel better. What a great plan that was! Duh! All I needed to snap me out of this was Star Magazine with BETRAYAL! written across the cover and Us Weekly all about Katie Holmes being ridiculously happy.
I'd clean my room, do any of the three assignment that are due tomorrow or study for my Tuesday midterm, but all I've really been capable of these past two days was moping, crying, bitching, begging, lying in my hallway staring at the ceiling, and worst of all sleeping. Sleeping is the most painful because every time I close my eyes it's like nothing ever went wrong. All my dreams are so real to life that I truly believe them to be. This morning I woke up to sunshine pouring in through the window and for a moment thought that the dream had been right and everything was fine; then the truth came crawling back into my head and a wave a nausea across my stomach. I didn't drink last night but was still retching up nothing but air for a goof half hour. I went back to my bed to cry, started to doze off, but realizing what that meant I decided to write this.
I want to go back and fix everything and be perfect and make it perfect so that he wouldn't be compelled to chase some romanticized idea of her on a pedestal. Or since we can't go back in time, I'd like to work on a possible future. No.Not going to happen.The more I think about it, this is how it has to be. So apparently it isn't worth trying for. I should have seen this coming but my vision was skewed by the pink-tinted glass of contentment.
I want to go home. I don't think I can stay here, all of the people on my floor have been really supportive in this but it just isn't the same. I need to be around the people that know me best but they, unfortunately are all still in Toronto, in Halifax or in the US. Here I feel alone even when I'm surrounded by people and would frankly just prefer that they all just went away . After all, none of them can fix it, none of them can make it go away and the one person who can just doesn't give a fuck.