My first suspension
Tonight was our somewhat-weekly ropes get-together with Scott, E, and random people. This week there was just one other person named Mandy that has had some fun playing with E before as well so everyone knew each other, but for me the trust/familiarity levels vary. Scott pretty much leads the group, because he is the most experienced, he also has been a rescue worker etc. etc.
Tonight he was going over the fundamentals of successful suspensions, so there were 2 rope tops, one rope bottom, and one that likes both; since Scott was to be the observer/instructor, that left the other top and the switch to tie up the bottom- me. Problem- anyone who knows me knows how much of a problem I have with being picked up. Well, I eventually agree to be the subject to be suspended, but only a little bit off the ground.
There was over an hour of instruction and tying all the support stuff, with me just standing there letting them try and re-try things if they didn't quite get it, etc. Then I was to lay on my back on the floor, while they figured out the best way to suspend me. My anxiety was building but really wasn't that bad.
Finally they pulled the first ropes to get my legs off the ground and I started to panic a bit. The swaying and lack of... safety was very strong. Then the got the ropes tight around my torso and I realized that this was really happening and my brain just went blank all I could think about was what was happening on these ropes and I couldn't stop shaking, shivering, etc. I could barely take deep breaths, and after a short time I was crying. Scott was astonishingly gentle, given what a sadistic bastard he usually is ;) and was talking me through it; he definitely took the lead with that, and was so understanding and helpful. E was loving and supportive, he was constantly in contact with me, but I could have used a bit more presence from him- how he could have known this without my communicating it I don't know, and I wasn't able to get any real words or thoughts out. I couldn't form any so how could I speak them, eh?
I did reach a point where I felt a little bit numb; not quite subspace but when E told me I was being a good girl it did help put me there a little bit. It was different though. It really was a bit of a feeling of numbness- though it was closer to a feeling of 'defeat' than anything else. Scott had me hold his hands to try to focus on something other than stabbing my nails into my palms, and it really did help in that I felt somehow connected to him (not a good thing given my fondness for hands and his... I don't know how to explain it, but they are very trustworthy hands. I almost want to do more scenes with him now, because of that part, but I don't think he has the patience for a scared only semi-masochist like me). He also asked me to try to move and push off of the pillow that still supported my head and neck- I was able to comply a bit, but it put me into more of a panic and was a horrible unsafe feeling, swinging like that.. after I was only supported by rope and E's hands under my head he tried to get me to move around more but I wasn't able to. I was paralysed with fear and this sick feeling any time my trembling caused a rope to shift.
Once they put me down they kept the ropes tight but not bearing weight to talk about what they did but I still couldn't stop shaking. I still felt quite defeated- I didn't care if they totally untied me, or just left me like that. I was cold but not.. I guess it was a shocky type of thing, but I think that nobody really saw it. Fortunately after they were done with that they untying process was over pretty fast. The moment I was untied I felt kinda nauseous and quickly retired to the bathroom, just in case but fortunately some water on my face helped me recover. Still shaking though. I still feel kind of like I have current running through me. I'm exhausted, but can't relax enough to try to sleep.
I'm not sure if or when I'll be trying this again, but I can guarantee that if I do, Scott will most likely have to be there, E Definitely will have to be there, and Mandy preferably won't be. heh And I certainly would need more Sub preparation before instead of the camaraderie and chattiness that we had.
Tonight he was going over the fundamentals of successful suspensions, so there were 2 rope tops, one rope bottom, and one that likes both; since Scott was to be the observer/instructor, that left the other top and the switch to tie up the bottom- me. Problem- anyone who knows me knows how much of a problem I have with being picked up. Well, I eventually agree to be the subject to be suspended, but only a little bit off the ground.
There was over an hour of instruction and tying all the support stuff, with me just standing there letting them try and re-try things if they didn't quite get it, etc. Then I was to lay on my back on the floor, while they figured out the best way to suspend me. My anxiety was building but really wasn't that bad.
Finally they pulled the first ropes to get my legs off the ground and I started to panic a bit. The swaying and lack of... safety was very strong. Then the got the ropes tight around my torso and I realized that this was really happening and my brain just went blank all I could think about was what was happening on these ropes and I couldn't stop shaking, shivering, etc. I could barely take deep breaths, and after a short time I was crying. Scott was astonishingly gentle, given what a sadistic bastard he usually is ;) and was talking me through it; he definitely took the lead with that, and was so understanding and helpful. E was loving and supportive, he was constantly in contact with me, but I could have used a bit more presence from him- how he could have known this without my communicating it I don't know, and I wasn't able to get any real words or thoughts out. I couldn't form any so how could I speak them, eh?
I did reach a point where I felt a little bit numb; not quite subspace but when E told me I was being a good girl it did help put me there a little bit. It was different though. It really was a bit of a feeling of numbness- though it was closer to a feeling of 'defeat' than anything else. Scott had me hold his hands to try to focus on something other than stabbing my nails into my palms, and it really did help in that I felt somehow connected to him (not a good thing given my fondness for hands and his... I don't know how to explain it, but they are very trustworthy hands. I almost want to do more scenes with him now, because of that part, but I don't think he has the patience for a scared only semi-masochist like me). He also asked me to try to move and push off of the pillow that still supported my head and neck- I was able to comply a bit, but it put me into more of a panic and was a horrible unsafe feeling, swinging like that.. after I was only supported by rope and E's hands under my head he tried to get me to move around more but I wasn't able to. I was paralysed with fear and this sick feeling any time my trembling caused a rope to shift.
Once they put me down they kept the ropes tight but not bearing weight to talk about what they did but I still couldn't stop shaking. I still felt quite defeated- I didn't care if they totally untied me, or just left me like that. I was cold but not.. I guess it was a shocky type of thing, but I think that nobody really saw it. Fortunately after they were done with that they untying process was over pretty fast. The moment I was untied I felt kinda nauseous and quickly retired to the bathroom, just in case but fortunately some water on my face helped me recover. Still shaking though. I still feel kind of like I have current running through me. I'm exhausted, but can't relax enough to try to sleep.
I'm not sure if or when I'll be trying this again, but I can guarantee that if I do, Scott will most likely have to be there, E Definitely will have to be there, and Mandy preferably won't be. heh And I certainly would need more Sub preparation before instead of the camaraderie and chattiness that we had.