I'm a disappointment again.
E wanted me to join The Front with him. He was even willing to pay for a month membership for me. (I would have to find a way to pay for shoes, some time soon but Still). He was going to get a good deal this month. I tried and tried to make myself get into it. I really WANT to get into it! But the times I've been there I've felt.. paranoid, anxious and totally freaked about the thought of getting up in front of all those people (even when there have only been 4 or 5 people there.. ) But I guess there's been more to it. Today when I had no internet I wrote this out, and I'm sure some of it is bullshit, but all of it obviously has some part in it because otherwise it wouldn't be in my head to write it down, right?
One problem I had today was this feeling of pressure. I felt like I was expected to perform- like E expected me to try, and struggle; I of course wanted to try and excel (but that's a recipe for frustration and failure- like the kite thing), and I got the sense- well sense and statement- from the staff there that they expected me to try and instantly fall in love, etc.
At one point E and I had talked about our shared habit of making plans and having great ideas and not following through. I am trying VERY hard to stop doing this, but I have found that this resolve has made me just say no (and create excuses to make this easier) to things when I am not 100% sure that I wanted to follow through. And when I'm being confronted with decisions like that, I am rarely sure. And when money (especially someone elses) is involved, my concerns about not following through or making it fully worth it are even greater.
[as I said before] I really WANY to try thing,s but I am so damn tired of disappointing people when I try but then don't feel how they want me to feel about it. To that end, I am also worried about trying it because of C. I truly know that I am not competing with her, but at the same time I feel this drive to be those things that she isn't; to like those things that she doesn't. So when I see something like that that E likes and C doesn't, I want to like it also. (Don't think this is a poly issue though, I do it with all my social relationships, so it's not specific to E)
Of course the FREEZING temp there, the attractive and skilled people- yes, including E!- and all the damn RULES and pickiness! GEeze! the fun talk about how climbing shoes are Supposed to be painful, how painful it is on fingers, etc etc.. Didn't really help me throw myself into a 'yes'..
I frequently feel out of my element and intimidated in new places, especially when those I'm there with are familiar with it. I feel ganged-up on somehow. I guess that was why it was so much easier when we went to that convention together, it was a reasonably easy to find our way around but neither of us had been there so it was a more 'us against the venue' feeling. That's a pretty minor thing though.
All in all, most of this was just bullshit justification and excuses, but when added together, yeah. Just made me feel terrible. and the fact that I felt bad made me feel worse. Lame, huh? That I feel guilty for not agreeing to all of this. Why do I have such a hard time saying "yes" to things? and why do I not want to in so many cases- and WHY WHY WHY do I feel so bad when I don't?!
One problem I had today was this feeling of pressure. I felt like I was expected to perform- like E expected me to try, and struggle; I of course wanted to try and excel (but that's a recipe for frustration and failure- like the kite thing), and I got the sense- well sense and statement- from the staff there that they expected me to try and instantly fall in love, etc.
At one point E and I had talked about our shared habit of making plans and having great ideas and not following through. I am trying VERY hard to stop doing this, but I have found that this resolve has made me just say no (and create excuses to make this easier) to things when I am not 100% sure that I wanted to follow through. And when I'm being confronted with decisions like that, I am rarely sure. And when money (especially someone elses) is involved, my concerns about not following through or making it fully worth it are even greater.
[as I said before] I really WANY to try thing,s but I am so damn tired of disappointing people when I try but then don't feel how they want me to feel about it. To that end, I am also worried about trying it because of C. I truly know that I am not competing with her, but at the same time I feel this drive to be those things that she isn't; to like those things that she doesn't. So when I see something like that that E likes and C doesn't, I want to like it also. (Don't think this is a poly issue though, I do it with all my social relationships, so it's not specific to E)
Of course the FREEZING temp there, the attractive and skilled people- yes, including E!- and all the damn RULES and pickiness! GEeze! the fun talk about how climbing shoes are Supposed to be painful, how painful it is on fingers, etc etc.. Didn't really help me throw myself into a 'yes'..
I frequently feel out of my element and intimidated in new places, especially when those I'm there with are familiar with it. I feel ganged-up on somehow. I guess that was why it was so much easier when we went to that convention together, it was a reasonably easy to find our way around but neither of us had been there so it was a more 'us against the venue' feeling. That's a pretty minor thing though.
All in all, most of this was just bullshit justification and excuses, but when added together, yeah. Just made me feel terrible. and the fact that I felt bad made me feel worse. Lame, huh? That I feel guilty for not agreeing to all of this. Why do I have such a hard time saying "yes" to things? and why do I not want to in so many cases- and WHY WHY WHY do I feel so bad when I don't?!