Will I ever be okay again???
I cant even remember the last time I actually wrote something in here. Its been 10 forevers and my life has been on a crazy rollercoaster ride. I'm still working at the dreadful royal farms, and its not gotten any better since the last time I bitched about it. I go to cosmetology school full time now and I graduate sometime in October. I'm so proud of myself for sticking it out and continuing with it.
I know my last mini post said I was engaged and loving it, well that lasted a hot minute. I met this guy on facebook in April of last year and we really hit it off, he was seriously the most amazing person I could have ever met, we skyped every night and called eachother, we texted constantly and everything was perfect. We decided we wanted to be together so I asked my friend to drive me to West Virgina where he lived and we picked him and his things up and moved him here to live with me in September. Things couldnt have been more perfect, we were in love and engaged and living together, going to get married in October, and everything was honky dory. We hit a little rough patch because I was a jealous asshole about everything. February rolls around and he had taken off work for 3 days to go to Jersey to visit some of his furry friends, which I was not okay with but I let him go anyway. Something told me that this was gonna be the end of us, I just knew he wasnt going to come back, but he did, he worked for 2 days then I picked him up from work that Friday and he bought a tote and a space saver bag and I was like are you planning on going somewhere, he was like no Im gonna clean up the room a little bit, its too cluttered, which I was like whatever.
The next day he cooked me breakfast and we watched movies and cuddled all day, it was perfect, he came in the bedroom later that night and laid his head on me and said he had something to tell me but he didnt wanna hurt me, right then I knew what was happening, I said r u leaving me and he said yes. My whole world came crashing down on me in a matter of seconds, I started having an anxiety attack and crying and I just didnt know what to do with myself, I wanted to know why. He said he wasnt happy and hadnt been for a while, he said my attitude was horrible and he couldnt handle it anymore and he was scared for his life. He said he felt threatended, and i said I was gonna punch him in the face because I was pissed off at him once, but I never did it and I wouldnt have anyway, I'm not that type of person. So I asked him where he was going and he said back to Jersey to live with his buddy Joe, he had offered him a place to live, he told me this man was straight, and then he kept texting him, so I asked to see his phone and he showed me and the last text message was from Joe and it said are you sure you love me and wanna be with me and he replied yes. I called him a lying asshole and I left to go see a friend. How can you love someone so much and be engaged to someone just to break their heart and leave them for a 40 year old man you do know. I just dont understand it.
A couple days later he moved out and I havent seen him since. He promised me hed still talk to me everyday, and come back to visit and pay his part of the cell phone bill, the only thing he did was pay the bill up until about a month ago and he got his own phone and stuck me with his line which cost me 285 to disconnect. I cant believe he of all people would do that to me. but the lesson I learned was, dont trust anyone. no matter if they say they love you or not. I'm still healing from this, I guess I get a little better each day but it still hurts like hell. I started cutting myself again after all this happened, I just needed something to take away the pain of being broken hearted which only caused more pain and more scars on my body. I honestly dont know if I am ever gonna be okay again. everytime i start talking to a new guy all I can think about is what he did to me and are they gonna do the same thing. I hate sleeping in my bed alone everynight, and coming home to no one, not having anyone to hug or kiss after a long day or anyone to hold their hand when I'm watching a movie. Its an awful feeling. If it werent for my school friends, I'd probably be dead right now. Im sure I would have killed myself. They keep me sane and I am forever grateful to them. Ive made some of the best friends Ive ever had since being in hair school and I wouldnt trade them for the world.
Backtracking a little bit, in May of last year my niece Ashley passed away from cystic fibrosis, she was my best friend, we told eachother everything. She was one of the most brave little girls I had ever met, always caring about her animals and her friends and family and just trying to live a normal life. I miss her more and more each day and I admit Ive gotten more angry since shes been gone, I know it was her time to go and she can breathe easy now, but its not fair to take someone so young and so full of life and not let them grow up. My heart is going to be forever broken because she was my one and only niece and I will never have another for as long as I live. I love you Ash, so much!
Every day is a struggle it seems like, most days I dont even wanna get outta bed, like I have no motivation for anything anymore. I jsut stopped caring. I know I need to go to school and finish, but like some days i just could give a shit less, like why am I doing this, then I think about it, its something I love to do and it makes me happy then I get back into it, but Ive been in school since last may and I was supposed to finish this may, which I didnt because I had missed so much time, so now I dont graduate til October which really makes me wanna kick myself in the face, but If I had of graduated on time I would have never became friends with the amazing people I'm friends with now.
I dont think I have much more to say right now. Im gonna try to update more regularly just to get things off my chest, but we'll see how that goes. until next time.
Josh
I know my last mini post said I was engaged and loving it, well that lasted a hot minute. I met this guy on facebook in April of last year and we really hit it off, he was seriously the most amazing person I could have ever met, we skyped every night and called eachother, we texted constantly and everything was perfect. We decided we wanted to be together so I asked my friend to drive me to West Virgina where he lived and we picked him and his things up and moved him here to live with me in September. Things couldnt have been more perfect, we were in love and engaged and living together, going to get married in October, and everything was honky dory. We hit a little rough patch because I was a jealous asshole about everything. February rolls around and he had taken off work for 3 days to go to Jersey to visit some of his furry friends, which I was not okay with but I let him go anyway. Something told me that this was gonna be the end of us, I just knew he wasnt going to come back, but he did, he worked for 2 days then I picked him up from work that Friday and he bought a tote and a space saver bag and I was like are you planning on going somewhere, he was like no Im gonna clean up the room a little bit, its too cluttered, which I was like whatever.
The next day he cooked me breakfast and we watched movies and cuddled all day, it was perfect, he came in the bedroom later that night and laid his head on me and said he had something to tell me but he didnt wanna hurt me, right then I knew what was happening, I said r u leaving me and he said yes. My whole world came crashing down on me in a matter of seconds, I started having an anxiety attack and crying and I just didnt know what to do with myself, I wanted to know why. He said he wasnt happy and hadnt been for a while, he said my attitude was horrible and he couldnt handle it anymore and he was scared for his life. He said he felt threatended, and i said I was gonna punch him in the face because I was pissed off at him once, but I never did it and I wouldnt have anyway, I'm not that type of person. So I asked him where he was going and he said back to Jersey to live with his buddy Joe, he had offered him a place to live, he told me this man was straight, and then he kept texting him, so I asked to see his phone and he showed me and the last text message was from Joe and it said are you sure you love me and wanna be with me and he replied yes. I called him a lying asshole and I left to go see a friend. How can you love someone so much and be engaged to someone just to break their heart and leave them for a 40 year old man you do know. I just dont understand it.
A couple days later he moved out and I havent seen him since. He promised me hed still talk to me everyday, and come back to visit and pay his part of the cell phone bill, the only thing he did was pay the bill up until about a month ago and he got his own phone and stuck me with his line which cost me 285 to disconnect. I cant believe he of all people would do that to me. but the lesson I learned was, dont trust anyone. no matter if they say they love you or not. I'm still healing from this, I guess I get a little better each day but it still hurts like hell. I started cutting myself again after all this happened, I just needed something to take away the pain of being broken hearted which only caused more pain and more scars on my body. I honestly dont know if I am ever gonna be okay again. everytime i start talking to a new guy all I can think about is what he did to me and are they gonna do the same thing. I hate sleeping in my bed alone everynight, and coming home to no one, not having anyone to hug or kiss after a long day or anyone to hold their hand when I'm watching a movie. Its an awful feeling. If it werent for my school friends, I'd probably be dead right now. Im sure I would have killed myself. They keep me sane and I am forever grateful to them. Ive made some of the best friends Ive ever had since being in hair school and I wouldnt trade them for the world.
Backtracking a little bit, in May of last year my niece Ashley passed away from cystic fibrosis, she was my best friend, we told eachother everything. She was one of the most brave little girls I had ever met, always caring about her animals and her friends and family and just trying to live a normal life. I miss her more and more each day and I admit Ive gotten more angry since shes been gone, I know it was her time to go and she can breathe easy now, but its not fair to take someone so young and so full of life and not let them grow up. My heart is going to be forever broken because she was my one and only niece and I will never have another for as long as I live. I love you Ash, so much!
Every day is a struggle it seems like, most days I dont even wanna get outta bed, like I have no motivation for anything anymore. I jsut stopped caring. I know I need to go to school and finish, but like some days i just could give a shit less, like why am I doing this, then I think about it, its something I love to do and it makes me happy then I get back into it, but Ive been in school since last may and I was supposed to finish this may, which I didnt because I had missed so much time, so now I dont graduate til October which really makes me wanna kick myself in the face, but If I had of graduated on time I would have never became friends with the amazing people I'm friends with now.
I dont think I have much more to say right now. Im gonna try to update more regularly just to get things off my chest, but we'll see how that goes. until next time.
Josh