I miss her so much. Does she miss me?
Today has been a decent day. I have my highs and my lows, I'm currently hovering just above low (I'm in the middle of Brokeback Mountain, so it's got me fairly depressed). I did get to see Keli for a bit today, which I'm grateful for, but I'm afraid I make her sad. I don't want her to worry about me, even though I know she does. I think I've figured out why I'm so sad. I'm scared of the future and what it holds, or what it doesn't hold. When I'm not around Keli, I feel like I don't say enough to tell her how I feel, but when I am with her I'm afraid that I'll say too much and make things uncomfortable between us. I just want her to be happy and content. It doesn't help that I live in my head and dwell over little things, turning them into big things. I worry about silly things that when I say out loud I realize how dumb I am, but when I think about it it seems entirely plausible. I don't know why I do that and I wish I didn't, but I just can't seem to stop. I worry that I've said the wrong things, but then when I don't say things that I'm afraid might be wrong I wish I had said them. I guess in the end, I just worry about what the future holds for us. What part will I play in her life?
I know things will work out in the end, I just inherited my mother's worriness (I don't think that's a word) and I have no way to turn it off. I'm just lucky that I'm able to see Keli a lot sooner than I thought I would, and that's going to make this easier. Last week was the hardest week of my life because I couldn't see her, this week has already been better for the two days I've gotten to see her. I just hope she's doing okay.
Keli, please don't feel pressure from me. I know this will take time, and I don't want you to feel pressured because of me. I want you to get better, no matter how long it takes. I want you to find yourself and find where you need to be in life. I love you and you come first!
I know things will work out in the end, I just inherited my mother's worriness (I don't think that's a word) and I have no way to turn it off. I'm just lucky that I'm able to see Keli a lot sooner than I thought I would, and that's going to make this easier. Last week was the hardest week of my life because I couldn't see her, this week has already been better for the two days I've gotten to see her. I just hope she's doing okay.
Keli, please don't feel pressure from me. I know this will take time, and I don't want you to feel pressured because of me. I want you to get better, no matter how long it takes. I want you to find yourself and find where you need to be in life. I love you and you come first!