(no subject)
Well, it's been one week. Today at work was more bearable than it has been in the last week. I think that had less to do with the passage of time and more to do with me just focusing on the good rather than the very plentiful bad. I think I know one reason why work has been so difficult for me: it's all of the little things that I miss. Small things like being at work and receiving a text message from Keli; whether it be an encouraging note, or a message telling me that she loves me or misses me, those were really helpful in getting through the day and I never realized it. But one point, while being fairly depressed, I had kind of a weird thought. I thought about middle school, and to a lesser degree high school, and how back then I would have actually wanted to be able to be going through this. Not because I was a glutton for pain, but because girls were never interested in me and I would actually be jealous of people who were having dating problems. I always thought it would be better to have problems than to have nothing at all. And that's when the consoling thought hit me: we may not be able to see each other, and I am fucking miserable without her, but at least I have someone who loves me. Focusing on what I do have right now, rather than all I am without, really helped me keep my sanity.
I finally tried to watch the first episode of season three of Buffy yesterday. I was a wreck. I was only a little sniffly in the beginning, but when the introduction credits played, I was destroyed and I didn't compose myself for most of the episode. So of course, I couldn't watch a second episode. But strangely rnough, I think I am going to try and watch some more of the season. Sure, it was painful as hell, but it was kind of cathartic too. And as devastated as watching it made me, it also made me think of all of the wonderful times Keli and I had watching Buffy and brought me a little joy, though you probably couldn't tell through all of the tears. I finally took Thumbsucker back today and almost rented another movie, I was thinking maybe The Notebook so that I could watch it and Moulin Rouge tonight and just be really mired in my depression, but decided that maybe it wasn't a great idea.
I have decided to try and spend some more time with my family because 1.) it's always nice to be with them and 2.) I think it'll be good for me. So Thursday I am going with my mom and dad to my step-dad's operation.
So, it's about 3 hours later from when I last typed that. Keli called and we had a nice chat, and then I was able to go see her for a little bit, which was absolutely phenomenal. I feel like I kind of blew some of the time with her because I'm still recuperating from being bummed out for a week, but I hope she enjoyed seeing me as much as I did her. But due to that, I completely lost my train of thought on whatever I had planned to say. Assuming everything goes okay, I am also going to get to see her tomorrow for a little bit, which has really made my night because I just like having some certainty when it comes to seeing her. But god, today was already a little better (as aforementioned) and getting to talk to and see Keli just transformed my day.
I don't know what tomorrow holds, and I know there's nothing I can do to change what's transpired, but for the first time in a week, things are looking up.
Until tomorrow.
I finally tried to watch the first episode of season three of Buffy yesterday. I was a wreck. I was only a little sniffly in the beginning, but when the introduction credits played, I was destroyed and I didn't compose myself for most of the episode. So of course, I couldn't watch a second episode. But strangely rnough, I think I am going to try and watch some more of the season. Sure, it was painful as hell, but it was kind of cathartic too. And as devastated as watching it made me, it also made me think of all of the wonderful times Keli and I had watching Buffy and brought me a little joy, though you probably couldn't tell through all of the tears. I finally took Thumbsucker back today and almost rented another movie, I was thinking maybe The Notebook so that I could watch it and Moulin Rouge tonight and just be really mired in my depression, but decided that maybe it wasn't a great idea.
I have decided to try and spend some more time with my family because 1.) it's always nice to be with them and 2.) I think it'll be good for me. So Thursday I am going with my mom and dad to my step-dad's operation.
So, it's about 3 hours later from when I last typed that. Keli called and we had a nice chat, and then I was able to go see her for a little bit, which was absolutely phenomenal. I feel like I kind of blew some of the time with her because I'm still recuperating from being bummed out for a week, but I hope she enjoyed seeing me as much as I did her. But due to that, I completely lost my train of thought on whatever I had planned to say. Assuming everything goes okay, I am also going to get to see her tomorrow for a little bit, which has really made my night because I just like having some certainty when it comes to seeing her. But god, today was already a little better (as aforementioned) and getting to talk to and see Keli just transformed my day.
I don't know what tomorrow holds, and I know there's nothing I can do to change what's transpired, but for the first time in a week, things are looking up.
Until tomorrow.