In Krakow-and bummed
This entire trip to Poland has been unbelievably stressful and tiring. Im exhausted, lonely, and feel like Ive been on some emotional rollercoaster. Im not trying to say that it has been all bad; there are many things that Ive realized and will hopefully retain after this trip that are incredibly beneficial. Overall however Im disappointed. Im disappointed in my relationship, or lack thereof, with my sister. We love eachother its true, but she's been distant and cold and there were many times where I longed for a hug or a conversation and she did not or could not provide one. Her life is in such a different state than I would allow mine to remain in that I dont understand it. Ive made a fool of myself on this trip telling off her husband after she complained to me so much about his drinking habits. I feel like this whole time Ive had to fight to show that Im an adult and perhaps in the process have only proven how much I have left still in growing up. I feel like people think my beliefs are a joke- vegetarianism, feminism, environmental friendliness...practically every meal was incredibly uncomfortable because the fact that I dont eat meat had to be brought up and discussed. Once again the lack of protein was beaten to death and people have asked me to eat things that I obviously would NOT eat - such as prosciutto, and bacon. Its like they were testing my resolve. Im 26 and people are really surprised by my age (they think Im younger) so, either I act very childish, look childish or they project childishness on me. Lots of thinking this trip about marriage, and having kids, about what these things do to relationships. Ive really learned appreciate the relationship I have with Kellen and to appreciate who he is. I take for granted the way he treats me, cares for me, etc. The trip has made me think about how me and him will live together, since that is what will happen for the first time when I get back. Im anxious and worried that something will go wrong and we'll find out that we just cant function together in the same house. Im also anxious about work, finding it, whether or not Ill be able to do what I want in Dallas...things of that nature. Im really ready to come home. To be on my own and with Kellen and feel like everything I do and think isnt some freak alien thing. I dont know if people are so keyed into their lives or if theyve just been taught that way but all the things that Ive taken the time to think through and decide about (such as not eating meat) they just dont even question. Ive known this is the case all along, its just become very evident after this trip. I want Thursday to come and yet at the same time the thought of leaving my sister makes me devastated, especially because how fucked up her life seems to me right now. I want to help her but its just not possible. Id like to think that she will fix it and make the right decisions but I know she wont. So there you have it people...Im bummed and lonely. Really feeling that lack of love right now.