Thankful.
After a few days ago, I've had time to really think. I can finally say... I'm relaxed. Thankful she finally let go. It's finally over. I don't have her skulking around trying to find a door back into my life. Hovering over my journal. Clinging to me one moment, ditching me for weeks on end, leaving me to wonder if I did something wrong (since she seemed to get offended over the smallest thing, and I was scared of being the bad guy and driving her away).
I feel like I don't have to constantly watch over my back anymore, or constantly be in defense mode.
While I'm no psychiatrist (thus lacking the training and the tools it gives), and I've never said I was (even pushing this person to stop yelling at me and get real help, even saying I'd no longer help her), I do understand and know the signs. This includes myself.
For all the mental instability she had and the drama it brought with her, I realize she was my "type". I'm one of those "savior" types, I like to help people, and someone who's constantly falling apart helps me feel needed. The drama excited me. Her brand of crazy was... addictive, but at I finally had to pull away when she stopped showing any level of kindness or love towards me.
The fact of the matter is... I deserve better than that, and her. Even if I find myself yearning for the way she'd just pull away one day and completely throw herself at me the next. My other ex Ten was like this, and we only fell apart when I gradually just caved into her every whim and kept trying to surprise/please her. She had no respect for me, there was no fight left, so she got bored.
If I had to categorize the relationship that I and Vaal had... it's Addict/Co-Dependent. An addict is someone constantly getting in over their head, doing risky shit, and constantly needing to be bailed out. The Co-Dependent meanwhile is the rescuer, and in doing so, enables them.
There was also Borderline/Dependent, with me as the Dependent. I refused so long to just... let go, and stay let go, and she very clearly had abandonment issues. My pushing away the last time and completely cutting the cord for a year likely cemented the idea that she was no longer safe around me, that at any time I could oust her for her bad behavior.
Also... well, let's face it: She's an incredibly Aggressive person, while I'm more of a Suppressed person. Yet I can be confrontive, but I sure as hell don't come at people with the sheer intent of smashing them to pieces to get my way. I also don't release a lot of my thoughts... even here.
I suppose what I'm getting at is, we were both amazing for each other, and self-destructive for each other, and as much as I don't like to admit it... I have a type. I like crazy.
My life is boring. I'm that asshole that was always playing safe and secure. Never did drugs, never smoked, never drank, always in control. Now enter what she added: Antagonism. Even Competition with other guys that were chasing her. And when she threw herself at me it almost felt magical. I felt like the most important person in the world. It was fiery, wonderful. It's not like I don't have people that like me. In fact I have someone right now that's completely sane. Loving. Cares about me. Enjoys RPing with me.
... I've had a lot of those types over the years, actually. But they're boring. There's nothing for me to save. In fact my brain says I'm the biggest flaw in the room. Maybe that's why I chase those at the bottom of the rung: Because I don't feel like the worst one in the room. Not entirely sure.
But here's the thing: A year ago, I decided I had self-worth and punted her out.
Over the past year I've been trying to figure out why? Why the hell did I keep her around so long? Why were there times when I even yearned for her? Well, it's quite simple: Our dynamic. It was just as much her as it was me.
Why Everyone You Date Is A Psycho
5 Types of People who are naturally attracted to each other.
Both of these are incredibly good sources.
I'm just sad a lot of good women had to suffer because of my intoxication with the more exciting, crazier ones. Though, I am thankful it isn't just me, apparently being attracted to women that are batshit insane and are good looking is a pretty big shared trait in guys.
Not an excuse. It's just nice to not feel alone. What really hurts is the fact I've been doing the exact same shit I've been yelling at Vaal so long for. Ignoring those good to me to chase the worst, like appeasing them and getting their seal of approval mattered to me.
Yeah, I can see how my shit relationship with my Mom and never being able to please her led to this, now.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is... I don't want Vaal in my life, and I'm thankful she finally let go. She's been a horrible influence on my life, even driving me into my first emotional breakdown/panic attack. Yet it's for that same reason that I stuck around with her. She was exciting, dramatic, and she had both powerful passion and powerful anger. At the tail end all she had was anger, and I just got tired of it and tossed her out.
Now I really don't ever want to see her again, even if sometimes I think about her, miss her, because while I do care about her... I'm done saving her, and I'm done with the rollercoaster. Let some desperate simp try to pick her up off the floor. I don't deserve the crap she puts me through. I deserve to be treated well dammit. I have worth, no matter how poorly some people treat me. I'm a good person.
Hopefully she'll finally get better one day. Given even after a year of not seeing me it was just straight up aggression, I don't see that being a thing. But me? I finally realized I deserve to be treated better, and I'm fuckin' done.
I feel like I don't have to constantly watch over my back anymore, or constantly be in defense mode.
While I'm no psychiatrist (thus lacking the training and the tools it gives), and I've never said I was (even pushing this person to stop yelling at me and get real help, even saying I'd no longer help her), I do understand and know the signs. This includes myself.
For all the mental instability she had and the drama it brought with her, I realize she was my "type". I'm one of those "savior" types, I like to help people, and someone who's constantly falling apart helps me feel needed. The drama excited me. Her brand of crazy was... addictive, but at I finally had to pull away when she stopped showing any level of kindness or love towards me.
The fact of the matter is... I deserve better than that, and her. Even if I find myself yearning for the way she'd just pull away one day and completely throw herself at me the next. My other ex Ten was like this, and we only fell apart when I gradually just caved into her every whim and kept trying to surprise/please her. She had no respect for me, there was no fight left, so she got bored.
If I had to categorize the relationship that I and Vaal had... it's Addict/Co-Dependent. An addict is someone constantly getting in over their head, doing risky shit, and constantly needing to be bailed out. The Co-Dependent meanwhile is the rescuer, and in doing so, enables them.
There was also Borderline/Dependent, with me as the Dependent. I refused so long to just... let go, and stay let go, and she very clearly had abandonment issues. My pushing away the last time and completely cutting the cord for a year likely cemented the idea that she was no longer safe around me, that at any time I could oust her for her bad behavior.
Also... well, let's face it: She's an incredibly Aggressive person, while I'm more of a Suppressed person. Yet I can be confrontive, but I sure as hell don't come at people with the sheer intent of smashing them to pieces to get my way. I also don't release a lot of my thoughts... even here.
I suppose what I'm getting at is, we were both amazing for each other, and self-destructive for each other, and as much as I don't like to admit it... I have a type. I like crazy.
My life is boring. I'm that asshole that was always playing safe and secure. Never did drugs, never smoked, never drank, always in control. Now enter what she added: Antagonism. Even Competition with other guys that were chasing her. And when she threw herself at me it almost felt magical. I felt like the most important person in the world. It was fiery, wonderful. It's not like I don't have people that like me. In fact I have someone right now that's completely sane. Loving. Cares about me. Enjoys RPing with me.
... I've had a lot of those types over the years, actually. But they're boring. There's nothing for me to save. In fact my brain says I'm the biggest flaw in the room. Maybe that's why I chase those at the bottom of the rung: Because I don't feel like the worst one in the room. Not entirely sure.
But here's the thing: A year ago, I decided I had self-worth and punted her out.
Over the past year I've been trying to figure out why? Why the hell did I keep her around so long? Why were there times when I even yearned for her? Well, it's quite simple: Our dynamic. It was just as much her as it was me.
Why Everyone You Date Is A Psycho
5 Types of People who are naturally attracted to each other.
Both of these are incredibly good sources.
I'm just sad a lot of good women had to suffer because of my intoxication with the more exciting, crazier ones. Though, I am thankful it isn't just me, apparently being attracted to women that are batshit insane and are good looking is a pretty big shared trait in guys.
Not an excuse. It's just nice to not feel alone. What really hurts is the fact I've been doing the exact same shit I've been yelling at Vaal so long for. Ignoring those good to me to chase the worst, like appeasing them and getting their seal of approval mattered to me.
Yeah, I can see how my shit relationship with my Mom and never being able to please her led to this, now.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is... I don't want Vaal in my life, and I'm thankful she finally let go. She's been a horrible influence on my life, even driving me into my first emotional breakdown/panic attack. Yet it's for that same reason that I stuck around with her. She was exciting, dramatic, and she had both powerful passion and powerful anger. At the tail end all she had was anger, and I just got tired of it and tossed her out.
Now I really don't ever want to see her again, even if sometimes I think about her, miss her, because while I do care about her... I'm done saving her, and I'm done with the rollercoaster. Let some desperate simp try to pick her up off the floor. I don't deserve the crap she puts me through. I deserve to be treated well dammit. I have worth, no matter how poorly some people treat me. I'm a good person.
Hopefully she'll finally get better one day. Given even after a year of not seeing me it was just straight up aggression, I don't see that being a thing. But me? I finally realized I deserve to be treated better, and I'm fuckin' done.