Wow.

Mar 28, 2005 21:41


So I hope this will be my last entry. Ever since I had that breakdown last week things just keep going further and further downhill, I can't cope with it anymore. Yesterday Dad hit me for the first time in quite a while, but the marks on my legs are so dull that I can't go to the cops or anything about it, it'd just be fucking useless. I have a cut on my right wrist from him holding me down and it fucking hurts so so so much. Then he starts calling me a bitch and a slut and telling me I need psychiactric help, I mean, where the fuck is he coming from? I know I need help but nobody I know needs help more than he does. The help he's currently getting just won't suffice, because if it did, this shit wouldn't be going on.

There's really only one way out of this shit. I have 5 bottles of wine I can get so I'll drink those, then I'll go into the kitchen and get that huge knife and cut from the top of my neck down to my stomach, and just keep digging it in further and further. I know I've gotten so far already (blah blah blah) but here's a newsflash for you, I don't want to go any further. 17 years of this bullshit is too much for anyone to take. Why do you think those kids over in America went psycho and fucked up their own and many other lives? Because they couldn't put up with life anymore, and they wanted to go out with a bang. So it's basically the same for me, except for the fact that I don't care who notices. As long as my dad realises that I'm dead and IT'S ALL HIS FAULT I will be happy. I don't want him to die, I want him to live a long long life, every moment of it after tonight feeling guilty because it's all his fault that his only daughter died.

Emma, Katie, Mark, Danny, Angie, Jess, PJ, Kyle, Pat, Ben, Mitch, Bec, Sharika, Pete, Briony, David, Charlie, Richard, Scott, Dana, Le, Alex, James, Matt, Nick, Evan, Pat, Shannon, Jas, George, Chris, Keith, Kim, Kat, Justin, Wendy, Hannah, Ally, Abby, Lyssa, Rob, all of you, thank you for being there when I've needed it the most, even if we haven't been friends recently. You people, along with a few others who I've had the odd D&M with, have been what's kept me here up until this point. And though I want to end it now, I'm grateful that I've had fantastic friends to keep me relatively "sane" up until this point. And to my other friends who I never really talked to about my problems, thank you too, because sometimes it helps so much just to try to forget about things and enjoy yourself. I love you all. LPMB people included, I wouldn't have made it to this point without you guys. Most of all I want to thank my Mum and my brothers because I love them so much and I don't know what I'd have done without them.

So now I'm off to have a drink or two or fifty, and welcome that beauuuuutiful blade to slice through my skin.
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