(no subject)
So I've been holding everything really significant in for the last two years or so in order to help my friends, and it's fucking backfired on me. At about 2pm yesterday I had a huge breakdown, and yesterday was definitely in my top 5 worst days EVER, and that was even before more stuff that upset/disappointed/annoyed me happened. It might be in the top 3. Anyway. So now Ashlea, why were you set off to break down yesterday? God. I hate my life. Sunday night I have Dad abusing the shit out of me, calling me an alcoholic, telling me that his life would be better if I was never born. I just wish he would have fucking hit me like he usually does, it hurts so much less. I already have enough problems with my self esteem without him putting me down like that, but why would that stop him anyway? It never has before. -.- So anyway, there was that, then Sunday night and Monday morning, all I could think about was all the things that Dad ever did to hurt me, and asking myself why I didn't take him to court when I had the chance. I think I did really well at acting all happy with my friends before classes on Monday, but then at 2, I just broke down. -.- I guess thinking about my past along with studying philosophy just made my brain cave in. I left class at about 4.20, then just talked with Scott for about half an hour. When I finally got to the station, I stood on that white line, waiting for a train to come, so when it was a few metres away I could just jump right in front of it. Thoughts were running through my head a million miles an hour, and the main thing stopping me from doing it was remembering how hard Michael's death hit Emma, and she hardly even knew him. Me dying in the same way would be way too hard on her, so I just couldn't do it. Got on the train, listened to music, cried. Woo. Then when I got off at Epping I realised I'd forgotten to call Mum to come pick me up from the station, so I found a place on the train track that was right after going around a corner and was fairly well hidden, and just lay there for about 20 minutes. Sadly, I then realised I was on the track that goes onto the platform that is rarely used at 5-6pm. I got pissed off and called Mum and got her to come pick me up. Came home, was still immensely depressed. Cut myself up to help myself forget the emotional pain for a bit, then just did all the stuff I normally do in the evenings. Then at 8.30 he told me that they're together now. I don't know why it's gotten to me this much, I guess part of it was the fact that it was a surprise but at the same time I had kind of expected it to happen. Anyway, I stayed depressed. Talked to a few friends about it, mostly Emma, then went to bed. I couldn't sleep so I drank a bottle of wine, a few beers and quite a bit of bourbon. Don't remember much, all I know is I must have cut myself more before I passed out, because I woke up covered in new cuts and blood. Woke up with a huge hangover about 2 hours ago, and that's basically it up until now! Still unbelievably depressed! :D
I've realised there's no easy way out for kids with an abusive parent, actually, there's no way out at all. If their parents are together and they get abused, they'll never get over it, even if their parents eventually get divorced and they don't have to live with the abusive parent anymore. If their parents split up when they're still really young, they'll either be stuck with the abusive one, or they'll spend their whole young life wishing they lived with both parents, not knowing how bad things would have been if their parents hadn't divorced. *sigh*
edit: to everybody who was worried about me yesterday in the afternoon, i'm sorry i couldn't tell you what was wrong, my mind was just too messed up to really know what to say and how to say it. at least now you know.