For People Going Through A Breakup And Their Friends
PSA: When your friends are going through a breakup, if you are particularly close with them and have previously been in the role of support for them with their relationship stuff (or they have for you), and your friend reaches out to you for support during a breakup, you may choose to be there for them, or you may choose not to take on that particular role for yourself at this time.
But if you have not already established this kind of supportive role with your friend who is going through a breakup, try to resist the call to suddenly be their sounding board. Even if you think you can handle it. Even if you think that you truly have the purest of intentions.
Some people want to manipulate social circles with sordid stories of the breakup or the ex. Some people want to gossip. Some people want to elicit a more active role from you in revenge, punitive action, or other things. Abusers, in particular, are *very* good at convincing others that they have been harmed and making it look like they're just "reaching out" for support when they're actually undermining the other person's ability to find their support.
Some people just don't have very good boundaries and don't recognize what is appropriate and what isn't in terms of sharing private and personal details of a relationship and a breakup. There are tons of reasons - both benign and harmful in *intent* - for someone coming to you with the story of their breakup. But there are very few times in which accepting that role is actually *helpful*, either for your friend, for you as the support, or for the community everyone is all a part of.
So if you don't already have that kind of relationship with someone and they contact you from seemingly out of nowhere wanting to connect or looking for support for a breakup, and *especially* if you *do* have a connection to the ex, it's probably best to clearly state your own boundaries that this is not a role you feel suited for at this time.
If *you* are going through a breakup and you have somehow managed to lose or avoid building your own support group with a very small number of people who can handle being in the role of "I will listen to you trash talk your ex so you can vent" buddy, you may find yourself now needing to reach out to people you haven't before.
Some advice:
- Keep it to a small number of people, preferably people who are at least on the next closest ring of your concentric social circles, so it would seem like a natural next step in a progression of intimacy when you reach out to them, not a weird, out-of-the-blue request. Don't spam dozens of people, you really only need a small handful of close confidantes, and they should be people who are close *enough* that it doesn't seem like a leap of intimacy.
- Try to pick people who are not also friends with the ex, or who are more distant friends with the ex than they are with you. That way you don't unintentionally (or subconsciously intentionally) fuck up their friendships, support networks, or social circles too.
- Focus on YOU - on what YOU did, on how YOU feel, on what you could have done, on what you plan to do from here, etc. Leave your ex out of it, other than the fact that being an ex is what makes you need support in the first place. Your breakup is about YOU, regardless of what they did or the details of what happened. Support is about YOU, not about your ex.
- Be clear on what you are asking for. Do you just want someone to listen while you sort through your thoughts and that takes speaking them out loud? Do you want advice? Do you want someone to hear your story and give you reassurance? Do you want someone to hear your story and give it to you straight, whether that turns out to be reassurance or some hard truths? Do you just want to sit with feelings of being petty and a space to be ugly for a while with someone who won't judge you for it? Be clear. Tell people which role you want them to play, and be prepared for them to tell you that they can't play that role for you.
Breaking up is hard. It's where your ethics meet the road. And we ALL fuck up here. This is how to fuck up a little bit less.
This post was originally posted at https://joreth.dreamwidth.org/400614.html.
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