Life is good ...

[joreth]

so when do the bombs start falling?

I'm very happy right now.  I'm bouncy.  I had to say it because I'm so happy and I can't keep it silent but no one that I talk to about stuff like this is online right now so I'm effusing all over LJ.  This scares me.  It can't possibly remain this good for very long.

Comments

[joreth]

Yes, I'm very much aware of the threat of self-fulfilling prophesies. Fortunately, I don't see the end of a relationship as an automatic sign of failure, nor do I believe that the possiblility of getting hurt is reason enough to avoid the pleasure that comes before the pain.

I accept without fear that my relationships will end someday. I hope that they will end someday far off into the future and by mutual consent that we have moved in different directions. What I am actually afraid of is that new people who I am still getting to know will turn out to be not the person they told me they were and I will feel as though I've wasted my time and emotion on someone who didn't even exist, that I let someone in behind my barriers who will take advantage of that power and hurt me with weapons I gave him myself.

I've had relationships end where both of us were honorable at the parting. We respected the gift we had each received and did not use it to cause unnecessary pain. Those are the kinds of endings I want to have, if I have to have an ending. I've also let people in who took that knowledge of me and turned it around causing me an extreme amount of pain and suffering. That's what I fear. But I do not fear it enough to prevent anyone from breaching my walls ever. I just hope I am making better choices now.

And, of course, there's always the uncertainty that comes with my job. I love my job and it kills a part of me every time I have to leave it for something more certain, more steady. I have very little control over how the industry fares, so I fear that my current streak of good fortune will end before I've had a chance to build in some safeguards for that eventuality.

Overall, I'm just a cynic. But also overall, I'm just happy.