I Don't Mean That
Someone on my friends list made a post about being misunderstood, and it sparked a desire to make a similar post.
My intent is often misunderstood, and I attribute it to this social convention (or several) we have that says everything we do or say must have some subtext to it, and that subtext is necessarily insidious or competitive or contrary to what the overt text is. It happens more often in my writing, because I go to great lengths to consciously adjust my vocal tone, facial expression, and body language to better convey my intent, but it happens in real life too.
So, as in the original post, I'm going to give some examples of things I am often misunderstood about. Some of them are verbatim of the original post, because they apply to me too and I couldn't think of any way to reword it that would make it more applicable than it already was:
If I say: Why are you doing that?
I mean: Why are you doing that? I am genuinely curious about your motivations either because I do not like to assume or because no possible motivation is occurring to me as likely.
Not: What is wrong with you, you idiot? Why are you doing something so stupid/wrong/horrible?
If I say: What do I do if X happens?
I mean: What course of action should I take if this sequence of events should occur?
Not: OMG bad things might happen and if they do I will freak out and DIE so you should reassure me 500 times without actually offering any possible courses of action should this sequence of events occur.
If I say: I wonder what causes Y.
I mean: I think Y is interesting, and possibly has some fascinating causes or reasons for being. I wonder what they are? I'd like to explore them!
Not: Y is disgusting and perverse, I cannot understand why anyone would engage in Y, and anyone who does is probably mentally ill and/or evil.
If I say: Why do you think this happened?
I mean: I value your perspective and judgement and I am genuinely curious as to what reasons you may have come up with to explain this situation or scenario.
Not: I am going to trap you in some explanation of events that translates to you being a shitheel so I can hold it over your head for all eternity, and you will not escape.
If I say: Hmm, that's interesting.
I mean: Hmm, that's interesting.
Not: Hmm, that's extremely weird, perverse, or stupid, and I just don't want you to know that, so I've come up with something neutral to fool you into thinking I'm actually interested, but in reality I'm going to store this story in memory to laugh about you behind your back.
If I say: I'm fine with that.
I mean: I'm fine with that.
Not: I hate that idea and I think you're a horrible person for suggesting it, but go ahead and do it anyway so I can bring this up in a future argument as an example of how you don't "get" me.
If I say: I don't really have a preference.
I mean: I don't really have a preference.
Not: I most definitely do have a preference, and if you were a Good Person, you'd know me well enough by now to know which would be my preference.
I plan to add to this list later, as more things come up. At the moment, I have a headache, and mostly what's in the forefront of my mind is another flamewar online wherein Joreth gets bashed for being "arrogant" and "condescending" for daring to talk about her atheism to the exclusion of all spiritual belief systems in an interview that specifically centered on polyamory and atheism. So most of what I'm coming up with now are centered on that, and not very general or applicable to the spirit of this list.
My intent is often misunderstood, and I attribute it to this social convention (or several) we have that says everything we do or say must have some subtext to it, and that subtext is necessarily insidious or competitive or contrary to what the overt text is. It happens more often in my writing, because I go to great lengths to consciously adjust my vocal tone, facial expression, and body language to better convey my intent, but it happens in real life too.
So, as in the original post, I'm going to give some examples of things I am often misunderstood about. Some of them are verbatim of the original post, because they apply to me too and I couldn't think of any way to reword it that would make it more applicable than it already was:
If I say: Why are you doing that?
I mean: Why are you doing that? I am genuinely curious about your motivations either because I do not like to assume or because no possible motivation is occurring to me as likely.
Not: What is wrong with you, you idiot? Why are you doing something so stupid/wrong/horrible?
If I say: What do I do if X happens?
I mean: What course of action should I take if this sequence of events should occur?
Not: OMG bad things might happen and if they do I will freak out and DIE so you should reassure me 500 times without actually offering any possible courses of action should this sequence of events occur.
If I say: I wonder what causes Y.
I mean: I think Y is interesting, and possibly has some fascinating causes or reasons for being. I wonder what they are? I'd like to explore them!
Not: Y is disgusting and perverse, I cannot understand why anyone would engage in Y, and anyone who does is probably mentally ill and/or evil.
If I say: Why do you think this happened?
I mean: I value your perspective and judgement and I am genuinely curious as to what reasons you may have come up with to explain this situation or scenario.
Not: I am going to trap you in some explanation of events that translates to you being a shitheel so I can hold it over your head for all eternity, and you will not escape.
If I say: Hmm, that's interesting.
I mean: Hmm, that's interesting.
Not: Hmm, that's extremely weird, perverse, or stupid, and I just don't want you to know that, so I've come up with something neutral to fool you into thinking I'm actually interested, but in reality I'm going to store this story in memory to laugh about you behind your back.
If I say: I'm fine with that.
I mean: I'm fine with that.
Not: I hate that idea and I think you're a horrible person for suggesting it, but go ahead and do it anyway so I can bring this up in a future argument as an example of how you don't "get" me.
If I say: I don't really have a preference.
I mean: I don't really have a preference.
Not: I most definitely do have a preference, and if you were a Good Person, you'd know me well enough by now to know which would be my preference.
I plan to add to this list later, as more things come up. At the moment, I have a headache, and mostly what's in the forefront of my mind is another flamewar online wherein Joreth gets bashed for being "arrogant" and "condescending" for daring to talk about her atheism to the exclusion of all spiritual belief systems in an interview that specifically centered on polyamory and atheism. So most of what I'm coming up with now are centered on that, and not very general or applicable to the spirit of this list.