REALLY Long and Rambly Thoughts On Communication Conflicts
Very recently, I flew off the handle with little provocation because someone managed to hit 2 of my buttons at once and, when I said they were sore spots, kept pushing his position. I recognize that I'm unusually touchy about these issues, so it's really better just to let the matter lie if you have nothing invested in the outcome (like a stranger on the internet). He has since blocked me so I can't even tell him about this post or that I'm sorry for my overreaction (although I do stand firm on my position - I didn't need to get so bitchy about it, I could have let the subject drop). Not only were these 2 issues I'm particularly sensitive about that got pushed at the exact same time, they came about when I was already pissed about something else, AND when I had to deal with these exact same issues with other people in unrelated disagreements in the very recent past and was still sore about THOSE encounters.
And the reason I'm making this post is actually because both of these issues are communication problems that I see happening around me all the time, with all sorts of people. Namely, that there are 2 kinds of people - those who do this thing that's annoying to others, and those who have to deal with the people doing this thing that's annoying to others.
As one of the people who does those things that are annoying to others that I'm about to mention, I thought it might be beneficial to address those people who do those things that are annoying to others to explain why it's annoying and what you (we) can do on your (our) part to avoid these kinds of conflicts with your loved ones in the future. Even as the person writing this post, I am certainly not exempt from making these same mistakes myself, so I think it bears mentioning.
As I said, there are 2 issues that are unrelated, they just happened to crop up in the same disagreement, although they do have a common element. They are "people who have embraced a particular product/service and want the rest of the world to benefit as they have" and "people who want to help others and therefore try to fix things when others are struggling". Both issues are people trying to be helpful, but who are not getting the message that they are not being helpful.
One at a time...
The first category quite often manifests into what I call "techie fanboys", although it doesn't have to be technology specifically - that's just shorthand because it's often technology, and there's another definition of "fanboy" that means "really admires with this famous person". I was like this about chiropractic and tried to get everyone I knew to go see one. I have a crooked spine & a calcium deficiency, as well as some nerve stress from repetitive movements (years playing piano, and then office work at a keyboard). I tried taking my problems to medical doctors who did not treat me like a person, who did not listen to me, who did not seem to care at all, and who did not offer any method of treatment. A chiropractor listened to me, tried a variety of things until we found something that worked, and I actually did feel some relief from my pain. One of the main things that sends people into the arms of woo is the feeling that doctors and scientists don't actually care about the people, and don't listen to them.
My last conversation with a doctor about my back went like this:
So I can totally understand why people fall to the power of woo. It was years before I ever heard the more woo-ier side of chiropractic. I had no idea there were chiropractors who thought all illnesses were the result of misaligned spines & that adjustments would unblock the flow of energy, or whatever, to get rid of asthma and cancer. I was too busy crowing the "cure" to my back pain to anyone who would listen and trying to get everyone to go see their own chiropractors for all their back, neck, joint, and nerve pain. I was, as my last chiropractor called me, chiropractic's biggest cheerleader.
But, eventually, I learned of the woo, and I started to defend only the chiropractors who didn't say anything about magical life forces. And then I heard about the study that showed an increase risk of stroke from adjustments, particularly in young, healthy adults, and that the chiropractic clinics don't cover even as much medical scholarship as a physical therapist, and that, when done according to effective physical therapy theories, it had only the same amount of benefit as physical therapy or a good massage. As Dr. Steven Novella said, if you're going to take advantage of evidence-based medicine, like some chiropractors offer, then why risk yourself with unlicensed physicians who are practicing a medicine they don't have a license for (because chiro doesn't cover PT)?
I have since changed my position on chiropractic. I still believe, because the studies still show, that there is some benefit to certain forms of chiro for very specific ailments, but that it is equal to or lesser than that which can be obtained at the hands of licenced medical practitioners, and the possible danger is not worth the risk when the other modalities do not have that same level of danger. This doesn't absolve the medical community from falling down on their own jobs by pushing me into the arms of woo in the first place, and when I could find a chiro who would was willing to take payment in trade for services, but no doctor would, that makes it all the more compelling to see a chiro. But, I am no longer a chiropractic fanboy.
Now, to get back to the point of this post. A "fanboy", in this context, is someone who has a particular product, service, or company that he believes is The Best Thing Evar!, that it is so far superior to any other competitor that anyone with half a brain should be able to see its superiority, and if they can't, it's simply because they haven't been introduced to the wonder that is The Best Thing Evar! A fanboy, in this context, has trouble comprehending that anyone could possibly not want this far superior product or service, unless they are simply being obstinate and not listening to the wisdom he is espousing. It couldn't be because anyone might have different priorities or situations that make The Best Thing Evar! not the best thing for them in their particular situation, thinks the fanboy. If they have different priorities, it's only because they don't yet understand the wisdom of the fanboy's priorities.
I certainly thought that about chiropractic and I thought that about my knives. I used to sell a particular brand of cutlery when I was in high school. It was a great job, I made my own hours, I got cool stuff, I made good money, and because I was good at it, I was made to feel wanted, special, and admired by the company, my coworkers, and my bosses. But the reason I took the job in the first place was because I was so impressed with the product. I thought it was The Best Thing Evar! To be honest, I still think those knives are the best ones made. And I am in love with their customer service - if you ever need them sharpened or repaired, it's part of the initial price of the knives, and that's a great fucking deal!
But the price! It doesn't matter how great the knives are, or even if they're worth more than the cost - if you don't *have* the money, you can't buy them. Sure, you'll need to replace that $2 knife in a few months or years, and over time you could end up spending more money on replacing that knife than if you had shelled out the cash for the good stuff at the beginning. But that's the thing, you don't *have* the $100 for the knife right now, and you *will* have an extra $2 in a few months to buy a replacement. And the $2 knife cuts what you need it to cut, which is bread for sandwiches in brown-bag lunches and maybe some potatoes for stew for dinner.
So not everyone is in the same position as the fanboy, and may have other priorities that make The Best Thing Evar! not actually the best thing *for them*, even if they recognize the value of the product, service, or company, overall. Something like, "I can TOTALLY see why that pickup truck is The Best Thing Evar! for someone who hauls around a lot of stuff. I don't, and I couldn't afford the insurance even if I did. I'll stick with my used Honda Civic, even though it needs a little work."
Now, the anti-fanboy does the exact same thing the fanboys do, only it's in opposition to a single product, service, or company, rather than in favor of it. So this is still the same category. But the anti-fanboy thinks that a particular product, service, or company is EVIL, worse than terrorists, worse than people who torture kittens, worse than Satan, worse than the clown in Stephen King's book. It is the end-all, be-all of evil. It is all that is wrong and soulless in this world. The product has absolutely no redeeming features at all and is actually out to get you. The service is created to suck the life-force right out through your eyeballs. The company is a mindless automaton with designs on taking over the world, or worse, headed by a single person whose one and only thought ever in his life is that of world domination and he is bent on crushing us all under his boot.
The anti-fanboy feels this strongly against a particular product, service, or company and will try to convince you to boycott it with complete disregard to whether you are actually having any conflicts or not, or whether the type of conflict you're having is actually the lesser conflict compared to what you would be dealing with if you went with a competitor, since your needs or priorities are not the same as the anti-fanboy. Yes, BP is on everyone's hit list right now, but buying a bicycle to boycott Big Oil is not an option for a person who lives in Florida, in the heat and the daily lightening storms, and who has to carry 100 lbs of equipment in the back of the car to work 30 miles away or to see her boyfriend 110 miles away every other weekend. Supporting the evil drilling companies is a conflict. Not having a car is a bigger conflict.
Now, first of all, I have yet to hear of a product whose purpose is actually to turn on its user and destroy his life. There are certainly better made products than others, and the ones that are actually dangerous tend to get recalled (except maybe for alt-med, but let's leave medical issues out of the anti-fanboy issue for the time being - that's something I TOTALLY get being anti-fanboy about). But, in general, people buy products they think they have a use for, and don't buy them if they have no use for them or if something comes along that performs the same function but better (providing they can afford it). Second, companies and people are never one-dimensional. People do not sit around laughing maniacally at the evil plot to take over the world by convincing people to buy their products. For the most part, they honestly believe they are doing or providing something good, even if it is problematic. The people who run corporations have families and people who love them, they have good days and bad days, they have hobbies and interests, and they have reasons why they support their products, not all of them are solely about the paycheck.
Of course there is a spectrum, some companies offer more harmful practices than others. But look at Microsoft, for example. Lots of people hate their products and think Bill Gates is a scheming, conniving liar and cheat, making a fortune off the gullible masses by convincing them to buy inferior products. But enough people like his products well *enough* that he continues to sell more of his products, and he is one of the world's biggest philanthropists & has challenged all the rest of the world's billionaires to donate half their net income to charity. I'm not saying he's another Normon Borlog, but he's also a far cry from Stalin. He could be sitting up in his ivory tower taking a swim in his money vault and cackling over the rubes he cheated out of their money, but instead he's giving away HALF his income and shaming other rich people into doing the same. I'm not defending any unethical practices he might have condoned, but I am betting that things look very different from the outside than they probably would if I were put in a similar position & had access to all the information Bill Gates might have had (or lacked any info he lacked) at the time he made his various decisions.
And I think that's the big conflict that people have with the fanboys and anti-fanboys. The people who do not share their fandom are people who have some sort of information that the fanboys don't. They have a need or a priority that trumps whatever the fanboys think are the most compelling reasons for being fanboys. Sometimes it's just a matter of liking this problem more than that problem. My job is incredibly unstable and my income varies, but I *like* that problem better than the stifling doldrum of going to the same office every day, at the same time, with no escape from the same old annoying coworkers and ignorant management. But, for others, "stability" isn't quite so nauseating and "uncertainty" is the most frightening thing about being in the workforce. And while the fanboys are convinced that everyone else just refuses to see the glory and wonder that is The Best Thing Evar!, everyone else is convinced that the fanboys are too close to their beloved pet product, service, or company, to see that not everyone values the same things, or to the same degree. Everyone has to make a compromise somewhere, and the where depends on where you put your priorities.
I continue to shop at Walmart in spite of their less-than-stellar employee treatment because I just can't afford to shop anywhere else. I did the math. I spend, literally, half as much for the same products. I made a spreadsheet of our household purchases, and compared equal brands and sizes, from Walmart, Publix, Albertsons, and Super Target. I did this for a period of almost a year. Some products were cheaper, some were more expensive, but the total average bill from Walmart was just over 50% the size of the bills from the other 3. Plus, it was closer than any of the other stores. Since I was on foodstamps at the time, this was a serious difference. As I told one person who insisted I boycott them anyway & just eat less, I can't afford to have his morals, I needed to survive. If I ever won the lottery, I could be morally superior like him then.
So, whether you think you're a "fanboy" or not, if you've ever supported a particular product, service, or company, or if you've ever been opposed to a particular product, service, or company, once we've heard your arguments for your side and we've still disagreed with you, PLEASE do not keep pestering us about why your product, service, or company is so much better than what we've chosen. Those little comments you make, every time we have a problem, about how we wouldn't be having that problem if we'd chosen your Best Thing Evar! sound snide and condescending, and only makes us feel that you think we're stupid. Whether you think we are or not, making us feel stupid is not the best way to win us over to your side, and is likely to make us stick to our side out of spite.
You can give us the information if we've asked for advice (or even if you've offered it unsolicited), but we only need to hear it once if we haven't asked you to repeat it. If we've chosen something else, let it go. Do not keep reminding us that you think we've made a bad choice and do not tell us how your Best Thing Evar! wouldn't do whatever it is that we're complaining about ours is doing. If we've laid out clear reasons for why your choice is not in our best interests, based on our own priorities and needs, do not assume that you know better what is in our best interests - that's awfully arrogant, and often incorrect. Just as you think we simply can't see how wonderful your Best Thing Evar! is, we think you just can't see from our point of view why yours is not The Best Thing Evar! to someone in our position, or even how it might be The Best Thing Evar! but still not be practical or feasible.
So, by all means, share with your friends and family your wisdom and expertise, but if your position has been rejected, and if you value your relationship with that person, just let it go.
This is, of course, not applicable to people who are actually harming themselves. I'm in favor of continued attempts to get people to stop smoking or to visit a doctor instead of a homeopath, but you do have to accept that continued pushing on these kinds of subjects carries with it a high risk of damaging the relationship - one which I assume means something to you or you wouldn't keep trying to convince the other person of something you think is good for them.
Now, for the other category. Yes, I realize this post is already long and no, I'm not done yet.
Next is People who try to Fix Things.This is a problem most commonly understood in the stereotype of women who want to complain just to be heard, and men who want to know what the problem is so they can offer solutions.
Naturally, it's not strictly a gender issue, but that stereotype is an easy illustration. I happen to do both. I'm naturally a Fix It type. When someone complains to me, I start thinking up possible solutions before they're even done. It's a problem, sometimes I'm so convinced that I have the solution, that I don't even bother letting them finish explaining it before I'm offering solutions. I can cut people off and steamroll right over them, sure that I know what they're about to say and that I have the right answer for them. And sometimes I don't find out until halfway through my explanation that they weren't even complaining about that, it was something else entirely.
I'm so much of a Fixer, that I initially went to college to become a Family Counselor because I thought I could fix everyone else's relationships. My sister was just a mess, and I often played mediator between her and my mother. I felt I could see the situation so much more clearly than everyone else could, and if I could just explain it to them how I saw it, there would be no more conflict and everyone would get along.
Then I switched careers to a job that is nothing BUT troubleshooting. Some director tells me "I want it to look 'angry'" and it's up to me to figure out how to make a black room look "angry" using nothing but different colored lights. I hang the lights and something doesn't turn on, so it's up to me to figure out how and why, and then make it turn on. I'm all about the fixing of things, and I'm all about my confidence that I know exactly what your problem is and how to fix it. So I understand the Fixers.
But I'm also a small female in a big-male-dominated world. I'm a small female in a world dominated not just by big males, but by big, arrogant, testosterone-driven alpha males. In order to get, and keep, clients, I have to prove that I'm just as capable as those big, arrogant, testosterone-driven alpha males who are stronger than me and who are absolutely convinced that they're better than any other big, arrogant, testosterone-driven alpha male who has the same (or better) education and experience.
And I do get, and keep, my clients because I AM just as capable, and I am honest when I'm not, so that I don't claim to be able to do something and then not follow through, making my clients look bad to their clients and causing a cascade of lost work. I know what I'm capable of and I'm confident in those skills I have proven as exceptional. But, like everyone else, when things go wrong, emotions rise, and sometimes I just need to let off steam.
And that's what the internet is for. Places like LiveJournal, Twitter, Facebook, these are personal profiles that other people can choose to look at or not. These places give us an outlet to yell and shout to people who have chosen to listen, when the people we might really want to shout at shouldn't be shouted at. Our friends and loved ones also can serve this function, if you are clear that you are getting angry about this thing that pissed you off and you are not getting angry AT the friend or loved one you're venting to.
Sometimes we just need to vent. But the Fixers hear that there is a Problem, and they want to rush in on their white steeds and solve the problem. Except that we don't always need the problem to be solved. People in my position are particularly vulnerable to feeling annoyed by this kind of assumption that we need something fixed. In my business, people who can't solve their problems stop getting hired. Of course, this doesn't mean that we NEVER need help. But it means that we are, by our very nature, good at solving problems. So someone coming in, unsolicited, and trying to solve our problems for us is really a lot like stepping on our toes and challenging our abilities to perform our own job functions.
Let me illustrate this point with an anecdote.
I was working the Tom Petty concert down in Ft. Myers. Now, Ft. Myers doesn't really have a large crew compliment, so it usually draws from Miami and Tampa for its larger shows. In this case, the crew was almost exclusively from Miami, with only a handful of people from Tampa (me included). Now, here's a little cultural stereotyping for you - the Miami crew was almost entirely large males of Puerto Rican descent, and this is important. There is a culture of machismo, where the men are Manly Men and are supposed to be "chivalrous" of "Ladies". My Constant Readers should know how I feel about that. Being of Latin descent myself, I butted heads with this culture of machismo often in my youth, and, consequently, I tend not to be attracted to Latin men. Well, even if any given individual does not subscribe to this culture of machismo, group-think tends to make individuals go along with the norms and my job in particular is all about physical labor, where machismo tends to flourish.
So, I'm standing on stage waiting for an empty pipe to be lowered to the ground so I can unhook it and carry it out to the truck. It's really long, but light enough to balance on my shoulder with only 2 fingers to keep it from rolling off. I start walking off-stage with it. From out of nowhere that I could see, 3 guys, count them THREE GUYS run, literally run, to me and take it out of my hands. They all 3 shoulder the pipe and walk to the truck together. I actually got my finger hurt when it was ripped out of my hands, and it took all 3 of the guys to carry something that little ol' me carried just fine by myself.
After several hours of men dropping equipment (yes, dropping it) or letting go of boxes they were helping other men to push, so they could run across the arena to help me lift or push something I was perfectly capable of lifting or pushing myself, I got fed up. I complained to the crew chief several times but nothing was done.
Finally, the truck was almost loaded, only a handful of items were left. There was a large roll of carpet on the ground that the truck loaders called for. I was nearest to it, so I picked it up. One of the guys who had been taking things from me all night ran across the loading dock, jumped over a box, and tried to take it out of my hands. Well, I'd had enough. I dropped it and shouted at him that I could carry the fucking thing myself and to back the fuck off. He started yelling that he was just trying to help and I yelled back that if I needed his help, I'd ask for it because I'm not some big dumb guy who doesn't know when enough is enough. The crew chief, for once, took my side and said to let me carry it, that if I couldn't contribute to the work load, then I shouldn't be there taking up space. I picked up the carpet all by myself and carried it to the truck. It was probably the only item that I carried from start to finish on my own that whole night.
I'm rather proud of my skills, I think I've worked hard to know and to do the things that I do. I also understand my limitations and I know what I don't know - or rather, I understand when I don't know something and need to seek the knowledge of others. My very first lighting for film instructor said "it's not how much you know, it's whether you know how to find what you need to know". He had all open-book tests because he didn't believe that we needed to memorize things, as long as we had the skills to find out what we needed to know when we needed to access that information. Consequently, my storage memory now sucks, but I'm damn good at finding things out when I want to.
So people who are Fixers, what they may not know, is that offering unsolicited information to someone like me makes me feel as though you assumed I didn't already know that or that you think I'm not capable in some way, especially if it's on a subject hat I happen to feel quite capable or knowledgeable. If I say my car died on me, and you tell me to check the gas gauge, that tells me that you assumed I wouldn't have thought to check first to see if I was out of gas. And if I was wasn't actually asking you what you think might be the problem, I was probably just bitching and wanted someone to commiserate with me, tell me that it sucks, and they understand what a trying day I've had.
I think this particular problem comes up more often than the fanboy issue, but I could be wrong there. Or maybe they're related, since the fanboys are also often telling people what they should and should not do. At any rate, I think there are a lot of people out there who get upset about something and just want to complain about it to someone who will make them feel as though they're being heard, and that their opinion matters to someone. And I think there are a lot of people out there who care about those people doing the complaining and want to make things better for them. But so often, the people doing the complaining are not seeking advice. What they want from the encounter is to feel they are being heard. They want to feel that their opinion matters. They want to feel that someone sides with them. Or sometimes they just want to scream to release some pent up anger and maybe they chose to scream in front of you because they hoped your presence would make them feel better, or calm them down, or keep them from doing something rash, or simply because they think you're safe to scream in front of whereas the recipient of their anger might not be.
Sometimes, the people doing the complaining are people who do not know themselves well or who are not good communicators. They may be complaining as some form of passive-aggression, sort of like the wife who complains about the messy house in an attempt to get her husband to take out the trash without being required to ask him outright to take out the trash. I'm not defending passive aggressive behaviour, or the willingness to avoid learning good communication skills. I have plenty to say on that subject in other posts. Today, I'm addressing the Fixers, not the Complainers.
To the Fixers, what you (we) need to understand is that not everyone wants your (our) knowledge or expertise, at least maybe not on this subject or not at this time. Sometimes the problem to be fixed is not the problem being complained about, but the problem the Complainer has that is prompting the complaining - namely the need to vent or to feel as though he is being listened to. And offering your advice when it was not asked for may set off some other issue, like the not-being-heard issue, or the you-think-I'm-stupid issue, or the I-just-want-to-be-angry-right-now issue, or any number of other things.
So before you offer advice or suggestions, wait until the Complainer has actually asked for your help. Sentences ending with question marks are good clues that someone is asking for help. Verbally, a question mark sounds like an uptilt in tone or pitch at the end of the sentence. Another clue that someone is asking for help are the keywords "help" and "advice" and "suggestion". Some people tend to ask for help in more roundabout ways, so if you do not know the Complainer well enough to know the difference between "I just want to bitch and moan about this right now and I want you to listen until I calm down" and "I really want your help but I won't ask for it outright", then the best solution to avoid a conflict here is to ask.
Ask the Complainer "would you like my advice?" or "do you just want to vent right now?" or "can I offer a suggestion?". If you ask the Complainer to clarify what he wishes your role should be, the onus then falls to him for guiding you towards the right course of action. If he turns out to be passive-aggressive and really wants your help but refuses to ask for it even with an opening like that, well, that's a different matter and the subject for another post whereby I take *the Complainer* to task, not the Fixer.
Try to be more of an active listener - if someone wants to complain about something, don't just jump right in with fixing the problem. That is very rarely what the other person wants from you if you are not their tech support or customer service rep. Societal pressure is very complex, and many people will take all different kinds of subtext from others. I'm not saying this is right, but as the victim of rather a lot of societal pressure, seeing as how I often take roles not assigned to me, sometimes these things can't always be helped. And if a person is complaining about something, that person is most likely already upset, and therefore probably more likely to be touchy about whatever other triggers he has. Unsolicited advice can set off all sorts of things, like feelings of inadequacy, feelings of being taken for granted, assumptions of intelligence, assumptions about one's assigned role, feelings of being neglected, feeling ignored, and I'm sure many others I haven't even thought of.
If someone did not explicitly ask for your opinion or advice on how to fix whatever their problem is, get in the habit of asking them first if they would welcome your suggestion. If you forget and offer anyway, then when they get pissed off, even if they're being unreasonable or disproportionately angry, apologize for offering the help - don't keep insisting that your advice ought to be taken. Again, the same tactic as above applies here. Offer it once, and if they don't want to hear it, then let it go. If they're being particularly unreasonable, walk away and find your own person to complain to who will listen to what you have to say about that horrible bitch who jumped down your throat for no reason at all when you were just trying to be helpful, and you can then explain to *that* person why you don't need advice on how to manage your relationships, you just wanted to vent a little.
And the reason I'm making this post is actually because both of these issues are communication problems that I see happening around me all the time, with all sorts of people. Namely, that there are 2 kinds of people - those who do this thing that's annoying to others, and those who have to deal with the people doing this thing that's annoying to others.
As one of the people who does those things that are annoying to others that I'm about to mention, I thought it might be beneficial to address those people who do those things that are annoying to others to explain why it's annoying and what you (we) can do on your (our) part to avoid these kinds of conflicts with your loved ones in the future. Even as the person writing this post, I am certainly not exempt from making these same mistakes myself, so I think it bears mentioning.
As I said, there are 2 issues that are unrelated, they just happened to crop up in the same disagreement, although they do have a common element. They are "people who have embraced a particular product/service and want the rest of the world to benefit as they have" and "people who want to help others and therefore try to fix things when others are struggling". Both issues are people trying to be helpful, but who are not getting the message that they are not being helpful.
One at a time...
The first category quite often manifests into what I call "techie fanboys", although it doesn't have to be technology specifically - that's just shorthand because it's often technology, and there's another definition of "fanboy" that means "really admires with this famous person". I was like this about chiropractic and tried to get everyone I knew to go see one. I have a crooked spine & a calcium deficiency, as well as some nerve stress from repetitive movements (years playing piano, and then office work at a keyboard). I tried taking my problems to medical doctors who did not treat me like a person, who did not listen to me, who did not seem to care at all, and who did not offer any method of treatment. A chiropractor listened to me, tried a variety of things until we found something that worked, and I actually did feel some relief from my pain. One of the main things that sends people into the arms of woo is the feeling that doctors and scientists don't actually care about the people, and don't listen to them.
My last conversation with a doctor about my back went like this:
- Me: Doc, my back hurts and my shoulder has such severe pain that I have to take more Advil than is recommended for my body weight and I can't sleep at night. I'm brought to tears daily and I'm losing feeling in my fingers. What can be done?
- Dr: You're taking Advil? Does that help?
- Me: Well, it helps a little, but not completely, and I'm concerned about the damage I'm doing to my liver with all the Advil I'm taking. Isn't there something that can fix the problem instead of just treat it?
- Dr: Nope, you're fine, just keep taking Advil.
- Me: Would you at least look at my back first? Maybe take some x-rays?
- Dr: Nope, you're fine.
- Me: Look, I only came to you because my insurance requires a referral from a general practitioner before I can see a specialist. Will you please send me to a specialist?
- Dr: fine, we'll take some x-rays
- ***I take x-rays and come back***
- Dr: You're fine, take some Advil and go home.
- Me: Don't my x-rays show anything?
- Dr: Nope, nothing at all.
- Me: What about the scoliosis the school nurse said I'd probably develop when I got older?
- Dr: Oh, that, yeah, you have scoliosis, but that's it.
- Me: You don't think that could be contributing to my pain? Something is hurting and I want it to stop! Can you please refer me to a specialist?
- Dr: Fine, here's a 'script for a physical therapist.
- Me: NO! I want an orthopedic doctor to look at my back!
- Dr: This is all you're going to get.
So I can totally understand why people fall to the power of woo. It was years before I ever heard the more woo-ier side of chiropractic. I had no idea there were chiropractors who thought all illnesses were the result of misaligned spines & that adjustments would unblock the flow of energy, or whatever, to get rid of asthma and cancer. I was too busy crowing the "cure" to my back pain to anyone who would listen and trying to get everyone to go see their own chiropractors for all their back, neck, joint, and nerve pain. I was, as my last chiropractor called me, chiropractic's biggest cheerleader.
But, eventually, I learned of the woo, and I started to defend only the chiropractors who didn't say anything about magical life forces. And then I heard about the study that showed an increase risk of stroke from adjustments, particularly in young, healthy adults, and that the chiropractic clinics don't cover even as much medical scholarship as a physical therapist, and that, when done according to effective physical therapy theories, it had only the same amount of benefit as physical therapy or a good massage. As Dr. Steven Novella said, if you're going to take advantage of evidence-based medicine, like some chiropractors offer, then why risk yourself with unlicensed physicians who are practicing a medicine they don't have a license for (because chiro doesn't cover PT)?
I have since changed my position on chiropractic. I still believe, because the studies still show, that there is some benefit to certain forms of chiro for very specific ailments, but that it is equal to or lesser than that which can be obtained at the hands of licenced medical practitioners, and the possible danger is not worth the risk when the other modalities do not have that same level of danger. This doesn't absolve the medical community from falling down on their own jobs by pushing me into the arms of woo in the first place, and when I could find a chiro who would was willing to take payment in trade for services, but no doctor would, that makes it all the more compelling to see a chiro. But, I am no longer a chiropractic fanboy.
Now, to get back to the point of this post. A "fanboy", in this context, is someone who has a particular product, service, or company that he believes is The Best Thing Evar!, that it is so far superior to any other competitor that anyone with half a brain should be able to see its superiority, and if they can't, it's simply because they haven't been introduced to the wonder that is The Best Thing Evar! A fanboy, in this context, has trouble comprehending that anyone could possibly not want this far superior product or service, unless they are simply being obstinate and not listening to the wisdom he is espousing. It couldn't be because anyone might have different priorities or situations that make The Best Thing Evar! not the best thing for them in their particular situation, thinks the fanboy. If they have different priorities, it's only because they don't yet understand the wisdom of the fanboy's priorities.
I certainly thought that about chiropractic and I thought that about my knives. I used to sell a particular brand of cutlery when I was in high school. It was a great job, I made my own hours, I got cool stuff, I made good money, and because I was good at it, I was made to feel wanted, special, and admired by the company, my coworkers, and my bosses. But the reason I took the job in the first place was because I was so impressed with the product. I thought it was The Best Thing Evar! To be honest, I still think those knives are the best ones made. And I am in love with their customer service - if you ever need them sharpened or repaired, it's part of the initial price of the knives, and that's a great fucking deal!
But the price! It doesn't matter how great the knives are, or even if they're worth more than the cost - if you don't *have* the money, you can't buy them. Sure, you'll need to replace that $2 knife in a few months or years, and over time you could end up spending more money on replacing that knife than if you had shelled out the cash for the good stuff at the beginning. But that's the thing, you don't *have* the $100 for the knife right now, and you *will* have an extra $2 in a few months to buy a replacement. And the $2 knife cuts what you need it to cut, which is bread for sandwiches in brown-bag lunches and maybe some potatoes for stew for dinner.
So not everyone is in the same position as the fanboy, and may have other priorities that make The Best Thing Evar! not actually the best thing *for them*, even if they recognize the value of the product, service, or company, overall. Something like, "I can TOTALLY see why that pickup truck is The Best Thing Evar! for someone who hauls around a lot of stuff. I don't, and I couldn't afford the insurance even if I did. I'll stick with my used Honda Civic, even though it needs a little work."
Now, the anti-fanboy does the exact same thing the fanboys do, only it's in opposition to a single product, service, or company, rather than in favor of it. So this is still the same category. But the anti-fanboy thinks that a particular product, service, or company is EVIL, worse than terrorists, worse than people who torture kittens, worse than Satan, worse than the clown in Stephen King's book. It is the end-all, be-all of evil. It is all that is wrong and soulless in this world. The product has absolutely no redeeming features at all and is actually out to get you. The service is created to suck the life-force right out through your eyeballs. The company is a mindless automaton with designs on taking over the world, or worse, headed by a single person whose one and only thought ever in his life is that of world domination and he is bent on crushing us all under his boot.
The anti-fanboy feels this strongly against a particular product, service, or company and will try to convince you to boycott it with complete disregard to whether you are actually having any conflicts or not, or whether the type of conflict you're having is actually the lesser conflict compared to what you would be dealing with if you went with a competitor, since your needs or priorities are not the same as the anti-fanboy. Yes, BP is on everyone's hit list right now, but buying a bicycle to boycott Big Oil is not an option for a person who lives in Florida, in the heat and the daily lightening storms, and who has to carry 100 lbs of equipment in the back of the car to work 30 miles away or to see her boyfriend 110 miles away every other weekend. Supporting the evil drilling companies is a conflict. Not having a car is a bigger conflict.
Now, first of all, I have yet to hear of a product whose purpose is actually to turn on its user and destroy his life. There are certainly better made products than others, and the ones that are actually dangerous tend to get recalled (except maybe for alt-med, but let's leave medical issues out of the anti-fanboy issue for the time being - that's something I TOTALLY get being anti-fanboy about). But, in general, people buy products they think they have a use for, and don't buy them if they have no use for them or if something comes along that performs the same function but better (providing they can afford it). Second, companies and people are never one-dimensional. People do not sit around laughing maniacally at the evil plot to take over the world by convincing people to buy their products. For the most part, they honestly believe they are doing or providing something good, even if it is problematic. The people who run corporations have families and people who love them, they have good days and bad days, they have hobbies and interests, and they have reasons why they support their products, not all of them are solely about the paycheck.
Of course there is a spectrum, some companies offer more harmful practices than others. But look at Microsoft, for example. Lots of people hate their products and think Bill Gates is a scheming, conniving liar and cheat, making a fortune off the gullible masses by convincing them to buy inferior products. But enough people like his products well *enough* that he continues to sell more of his products, and he is one of the world's biggest philanthropists & has challenged all the rest of the world's billionaires to donate half their net income to charity. I'm not saying he's another Normon Borlog, but he's also a far cry from Stalin. He could be sitting up in his ivory tower taking a swim in his money vault and cackling over the rubes he cheated out of their money, but instead he's giving away HALF his income and shaming other rich people into doing the same. I'm not defending any unethical practices he might have condoned, but I am betting that things look very different from the outside than they probably would if I were put in a similar position & had access to all the information Bill Gates might have had (or lacked any info he lacked) at the time he made his various decisions.
And I think that's the big conflict that people have with the fanboys and anti-fanboys. The people who do not share their fandom are people who have some sort of information that the fanboys don't. They have a need or a priority that trumps whatever the fanboys think are the most compelling reasons for being fanboys. Sometimes it's just a matter of liking this problem more than that problem. My job is incredibly unstable and my income varies, but I *like* that problem better than the stifling doldrum of going to the same office every day, at the same time, with no escape from the same old annoying coworkers and ignorant management. But, for others, "stability" isn't quite so nauseating and "uncertainty" is the most frightening thing about being in the workforce. And while the fanboys are convinced that everyone else just refuses to see the glory and wonder that is The Best Thing Evar!, everyone else is convinced that the fanboys are too close to their beloved pet product, service, or company, to see that not everyone values the same things, or to the same degree. Everyone has to make a compromise somewhere, and the where depends on where you put your priorities.
I continue to shop at Walmart in spite of their less-than-stellar employee treatment because I just can't afford to shop anywhere else. I did the math. I spend, literally, half as much for the same products. I made a spreadsheet of our household purchases, and compared equal brands and sizes, from Walmart, Publix, Albertsons, and Super Target. I did this for a period of almost a year. Some products were cheaper, some were more expensive, but the total average bill from Walmart was just over 50% the size of the bills from the other 3. Plus, it was closer than any of the other stores. Since I was on foodstamps at the time, this was a serious difference. As I told one person who insisted I boycott them anyway & just eat less, I can't afford to have his morals, I needed to survive. If I ever won the lottery, I could be morally superior like him then.
So, whether you think you're a "fanboy" or not, if you've ever supported a particular product, service, or company, or if you've ever been opposed to a particular product, service, or company, once we've heard your arguments for your side and we've still disagreed with you, PLEASE do not keep pestering us about why your product, service, or company is so much better than what we've chosen. Those little comments you make, every time we have a problem, about how we wouldn't be having that problem if we'd chosen your Best Thing Evar! sound snide and condescending, and only makes us feel that you think we're stupid. Whether you think we are or not, making us feel stupid is not the best way to win us over to your side, and is likely to make us stick to our side out of spite.
You can give us the information if we've asked for advice (or even if you've offered it unsolicited), but we only need to hear it once if we haven't asked you to repeat it. If we've chosen something else, let it go. Do not keep reminding us that you think we've made a bad choice and do not tell us how your Best Thing Evar! wouldn't do whatever it is that we're complaining about ours is doing. If we've laid out clear reasons for why your choice is not in our best interests, based on our own priorities and needs, do not assume that you know better what is in our best interests - that's awfully arrogant, and often incorrect. Just as you think we simply can't see how wonderful your Best Thing Evar! is, we think you just can't see from our point of view why yours is not The Best Thing Evar! to someone in our position, or even how it might be The Best Thing Evar! but still not be practical or feasible.
So, by all means, share with your friends and family your wisdom and expertise, but if your position has been rejected, and if you value your relationship with that person, just let it go.
This is, of course, not applicable to people who are actually harming themselves. I'm in favor of continued attempts to get people to stop smoking or to visit a doctor instead of a homeopath, but you do have to accept that continued pushing on these kinds of subjects carries with it a high risk of damaging the relationship - one which I assume means something to you or you wouldn't keep trying to convince the other person of something you think is good for them.
Now, for the other category. Yes, I realize this post is already long and no, I'm not done yet.
Next is People who try to Fix Things.This is a problem most commonly understood in the stereotype of women who want to complain just to be heard, and men who want to know what the problem is so they can offer solutions.
Naturally, it's not strictly a gender issue, but that stereotype is an easy illustration. I happen to do both. I'm naturally a Fix It type. When someone complains to me, I start thinking up possible solutions before they're even done. It's a problem, sometimes I'm so convinced that I have the solution, that I don't even bother letting them finish explaining it before I'm offering solutions. I can cut people off and steamroll right over them, sure that I know what they're about to say and that I have the right answer for them. And sometimes I don't find out until halfway through my explanation that they weren't even complaining about that, it was something else entirely.
I'm so much of a Fixer, that I initially went to college to become a Family Counselor because I thought I could fix everyone else's relationships. My sister was just a mess, and I often played mediator between her and my mother. I felt I could see the situation so much more clearly than everyone else could, and if I could just explain it to them how I saw it, there would be no more conflict and everyone would get along.
Then I switched careers to a job that is nothing BUT troubleshooting. Some director tells me "I want it to look 'angry'" and it's up to me to figure out how to make a black room look "angry" using nothing but different colored lights. I hang the lights and something doesn't turn on, so it's up to me to figure out how and why, and then make it turn on. I'm all about the fixing of things, and I'm all about my confidence that I know exactly what your problem is and how to fix it. So I understand the Fixers.
But I'm also a small female in a big-male-dominated world. I'm a small female in a world dominated not just by big males, but by big, arrogant, testosterone-driven alpha males. In order to get, and keep, clients, I have to prove that I'm just as capable as those big, arrogant, testosterone-driven alpha males who are stronger than me and who are absolutely convinced that they're better than any other big, arrogant, testosterone-driven alpha male who has the same (or better) education and experience.
And I do get, and keep, my clients because I AM just as capable, and I am honest when I'm not, so that I don't claim to be able to do something and then not follow through, making my clients look bad to their clients and causing a cascade of lost work. I know what I'm capable of and I'm confident in those skills I have proven as exceptional. But, like everyone else, when things go wrong, emotions rise, and sometimes I just need to let off steam.
And that's what the internet is for. Places like LiveJournal, Twitter, Facebook, these are personal profiles that other people can choose to look at or not. These places give us an outlet to yell and shout to people who have chosen to listen, when the people we might really want to shout at shouldn't be shouted at. Our friends and loved ones also can serve this function, if you are clear that you are getting angry about this thing that pissed you off and you are not getting angry AT the friend or loved one you're venting to.
Sometimes we just need to vent. But the Fixers hear that there is a Problem, and they want to rush in on their white steeds and solve the problem. Except that we don't always need the problem to be solved. People in my position are particularly vulnerable to feeling annoyed by this kind of assumption that we need something fixed. In my business, people who can't solve their problems stop getting hired. Of course, this doesn't mean that we NEVER need help. But it means that we are, by our very nature, good at solving problems. So someone coming in, unsolicited, and trying to solve our problems for us is really a lot like stepping on our toes and challenging our abilities to perform our own job functions.
Let me illustrate this point with an anecdote.
I was working the Tom Petty concert down in Ft. Myers. Now, Ft. Myers doesn't really have a large crew compliment, so it usually draws from Miami and Tampa for its larger shows. In this case, the crew was almost exclusively from Miami, with only a handful of people from Tampa (me included). Now, here's a little cultural stereotyping for you - the Miami crew was almost entirely large males of Puerto Rican descent, and this is important. There is a culture of machismo, where the men are Manly Men and are supposed to be "chivalrous" of "Ladies". My Constant Readers should know how I feel about that. Being of Latin descent myself, I butted heads with this culture of machismo often in my youth, and, consequently, I tend not to be attracted to Latin men. Well, even if any given individual does not subscribe to this culture of machismo, group-think tends to make individuals go along with the norms and my job in particular is all about physical labor, where machismo tends to flourish.
So, I'm standing on stage waiting for an empty pipe to be lowered to the ground so I can unhook it and carry it out to the truck. It's really long, but light enough to balance on my shoulder with only 2 fingers to keep it from rolling off. I start walking off-stage with it. From out of nowhere that I could see, 3 guys, count them THREE GUYS run, literally run, to me and take it out of my hands. They all 3 shoulder the pipe and walk to the truck together. I actually got my finger hurt when it was ripped out of my hands, and it took all 3 of the guys to carry something that little ol' me carried just fine by myself.
After several hours of men dropping equipment (yes, dropping it) or letting go of boxes they were helping other men to push, so they could run across the arena to help me lift or push something I was perfectly capable of lifting or pushing myself, I got fed up. I complained to the crew chief several times but nothing was done.
Finally, the truck was almost loaded, only a handful of items were left. There was a large roll of carpet on the ground that the truck loaders called for. I was nearest to it, so I picked it up. One of the guys who had been taking things from me all night ran across the loading dock, jumped over a box, and tried to take it out of my hands. Well, I'd had enough. I dropped it and shouted at him that I could carry the fucking thing myself and to back the fuck off. He started yelling that he was just trying to help and I yelled back that if I needed his help, I'd ask for it because I'm not some big dumb guy who doesn't know when enough is enough. The crew chief, for once, took my side and said to let me carry it, that if I couldn't contribute to the work load, then I shouldn't be there taking up space. I picked up the carpet all by myself and carried it to the truck. It was probably the only item that I carried from start to finish on my own that whole night.
I'm rather proud of my skills, I think I've worked hard to know and to do the things that I do. I also understand my limitations and I know what I don't know - or rather, I understand when I don't know something and need to seek the knowledge of others. My very first lighting for film instructor said "it's not how much you know, it's whether you know how to find what you need to know". He had all open-book tests because he didn't believe that we needed to memorize things, as long as we had the skills to find out what we needed to know when we needed to access that information. Consequently, my storage memory now sucks, but I'm damn good at finding things out when I want to.
So people who are Fixers, what they may not know, is that offering unsolicited information to someone like me makes me feel as though you assumed I didn't already know that or that you think I'm not capable in some way, especially if it's on a subject hat I happen to feel quite capable or knowledgeable. If I say my car died on me, and you tell me to check the gas gauge, that tells me that you assumed I wouldn't have thought to check first to see if I was out of gas. And if I was wasn't actually asking you what you think might be the problem, I was probably just bitching and wanted someone to commiserate with me, tell me that it sucks, and they understand what a trying day I've had.
I think this particular problem comes up more often than the fanboy issue, but I could be wrong there. Or maybe they're related, since the fanboys are also often telling people what they should and should not do. At any rate, I think there are a lot of people out there who get upset about something and just want to complain about it to someone who will make them feel as though they're being heard, and that their opinion matters to someone. And I think there are a lot of people out there who care about those people doing the complaining and want to make things better for them. But so often, the people doing the complaining are not seeking advice. What they want from the encounter is to feel they are being heard. They want to feel that their opinion matters. They want to feel that someone sides with them. Or sometimes they just want to scream to release some pent up anger and maybe they chose to scream in front of you because they hoped your presence would make them feel better, or calm them down, or keep them from doing something rash, or simply because they think you're safe to scream in front of whereas the recipient of their anger might not be.
Sometimes, the people doing the complaining are people who do not know themselves well or who are not good communicators. They may be complaining as some form of passive-aggression, sort of like the wife who complains about the messy house in an attempt to get her husband to take out the trash without being required to ask him outright to take out the trash. I'm not defending passive aggressive behaviour, or the willingness to avoid learning good communication skills. I have plenty to say on that subject in other posts. Today, I'm addressing the Fixers, not the Complainers.
To the Fixers, what you (we) need to understand is that not everyone wants your (our) knowledge or expertise, at least maybe not on this subject or not at this time. Sometimes the problem to be fixed is not the problem being complained about, but the problem the Complainer has that is prompting the complaining - namely the need to vent or to feel as though he is being listened to. And offering your advice when it was not asked for may set off some other issue, like the not-being-heard issue, or the you-think-I'm-stupid issue, or the I-just-want-to-be-angry-right-now issue, or any number of other things.
So before you offer advice or suggestions, wait until the Complainer has actually asked for your help. Sentences ending with question marks are good clues that someone is asking for help. Verbally, a question mark sounds like an uptilt in tone or pitch at the end of the sentence. Another clue that someone is asking for help are the keywords "help" and "advice" and "suggestion". Some people tend to ask for help in more roundabout ways, so if you do not know the Complainer well enough to know the difference between "I just want to bitch and moan about this right now and I want you to listen until I calm down" and "I really want your help but I won't ask for it outright", then the best solution to avoid a conflict here is to ask.
Ask the Complainer "would you like my advice?" or "do you just want to vent right now?" or "can I offer a suggestion?". If you ask the Complainer to clarify what he wishes your role should be, the onus then falls to him for guiding you towards the right course of action. If he turns out to be passive-aggressive and really wants your help but refuses to ask for it even with an opening like that, well, that's a different matter and the subject for another post whereby I take *the Complainer* to task, not the Fixer.
Try to be more of an active listener - if someone wants to complain about something, don't just jump right in with fixing the problem. That is very rarely what the other person wants from you if you are not their tech support or customer service rep. Societal pressure is very complex, and many people will take all different kinds of subtext from others. I'm not saying this is right, but as the victim of rather a lot of societal pressure, seeing as how I often take roles not assigned to me, sometimes these things can't always be helped. And if a person is complaining about something, that person is most likely already upset, and therefore probably more likely to be touchy about whatever other triggers he has. Unsolicited advice can set off all sorts of things, like feelings of inadequacy, feelings of being taken for granted, assumptions of intelligence, assumptions about one's assigned role, feelings of being neglected, feeling ignored, and I'm sure many others I haven't even thought of.
If someone did not explicitly ask for your opinion or advice on how to fix whatever their problem is, get in the habit of asking them first if they would welcome your suggestion. If you forget and offer anyway, then when they get pissed off, even if they're being unreasonable or disproportionately angry, apologize for offering the help - don't keep insisting that your advice ought to be taken. Again, the same tactic as above applies here. Offer it once, and if they don't want to hear it, then let it go. If they're being particularly unreasonable, walk away and find your own person to complain to who will listen to what you have to say about that horrible bitch who jumped down your throat for no reason at all when you were just trying to be helpful, and you can then explain to *that* person why you don't need advice on how to manage your relationships, you just wanted to vent a little.