Ramblings on bisexuality; mine, questions of, and attitudes towards
I get asked a lot of questions about bisexuality so thought I’d ramble a bit about it; about my experiences being bi, and some more general stuff about attitudes towards bis, sexuality and labels in case anyone is vaguely interested.
Sorry it got a bit out of hand…
So…firstly bi me.
I’ve fancied boys for as long as I can remember. It just so happens that I’ve fancied girls the same amount of time. Unlike many people I know I never had a slow dawning realisation that maybe I liked people of the same sex as much, or indeed more than, people of the opposite sex; it was always there, I was always aware. This has made me very lucky I think as I’ve never had to “come to terms with it.” I know a lot of people that haven’t discovered their same sex leanings until mid/late teens or even later in life and it seems to be a very difficult thing to go through; having to re-process everything you believed in yourself.
Anyhoo, lucky Jooles got lucky and I’ve just always known. No adjustment necessary. The gender identity crisis was a whole different ball game, but we’ll come to that another time.
That said, even from a young age I knew not to say anything to anyone else. Although what I was feeling never felt wrong to me, something in me knew it made me different and not to mention it to other people. I went to an all girls high school. If you’ve ever experienced it then you will know what I’m talking about; if you haven’t, well, let’s just say it’s the environment that the expression “get tough or die” was written for. It’s bitchy, hormonal, vicious and hierarchal. I guess it’s like normal high school but with intensified oestrogen. Anyway. It is not the place where a girl admits she likes other girls.
Again though I had got lucky. I liked boys too, so I could have boyfriends, or at least talk about boys in a convincing way. I remember though reading somewhere about the one in ten figure and looking around my common room at people thinking “statistically I cannot be the only one. Where is everyone else?” As firmly in the closet as me apparently.
Then uni happened and I came out to uni people and all was good. Then I went back home and the closet door swung shut behind me again. Some years later I ended up in a long term relationship with a woman and figured it was time to start telling other people. And my friends without exception were bloody brilliant. Some even had moments of “oh. That makes so much sense now.” It was wonderful and liberating and god damn I am - once again - very lucky. We will completely ignore my parents’ reaction and how I have had to deal with that. If anyone is interested maybe that will be another post for another day.
But weirdly it’s since we’ve broken up that things have gone weird again. I now get questions all the time, and actually it was one from a friend who I thought would really know better that prompted me to write this.
So, here we have my most frequently asked questions, with answers.
“So are you off women again?” - I am not ‘off’ women, I just happened to have ended a relationship with one.
“You’ve gone back to men? I thought you liked women now?” I never stopped liking men, but because I was in a relationship with a woman I didn’t have sex with one for a long time. It was just manners.
“So, do you mainly prefer men or mainly prefer women?” I don’t mainly prefer either. I like both. Now, this really is an odd one. People really cannot seem to cope that I don’t have a preference one way of the other. People are convinced that I must mainly like boys or girls. There is still a “pick one” mentality.
No.
I love men because they are firm and stronger than me and have muscle definition. They are usually taller than me - hell it’s not difficult - and, not to put too fine a point on it, they have penises and penises are fun.
I love women because they are softer, they are curvy; they have bits that go out and bits that go in and they have round bits that bounce. These are also fun.
However, when I am attracted to a person, it is because something about them sparks something in me. I don’t find someone attractive for the bits they do or don’t have; it’s what makes them them. Physical attributes are of course part of that, but it’s not the maleness or femaleness that makes the difference. In fact most people that know me know that I have a quite distinct thing for androgyny.
And here comes my big rambling on my ideas on sexuality.
I see sexuality as a fluid thing. I believe that most people fall somewhere along a bi scale. Say 1 is completely straight and 10 is completely gay, most people fall somewhere along the way. It might only be one person that ever tips the balance for them; they might never do anything about it, but that’s how I see it. I had a friend who recently said that she thought she might be bi but as she’d never even kissed a girl she couldn’t be. That to me is daft. Just because you’ve never done the nasty with someone of the same sex don’t discount your sexuality. Enjoy being attracted to whoever you’re attracted to. And why do we feel the need to define everything with rules?
Take a recent example; Adam Lambert and his bassist Tommy Ratliff. Adam and Tommy snog on stage at least once in every performance. Everyone knows that Adam is gay and it’s just as openly known that Tommy is straight. However, unless he is a damn good actor it is obvious that Tommy enjoys the attention on stage and the kissing. So people start saying that he must be gay. Um…why? Maybe this one guy is just a very good kisser and it’s all part of the fun of being on stage? Maybe he is attracted to this one man and so a quick snog and on-stage fumble is enjoyable? Who knows? We certainly don’t, but don’t call the man a liar on the strength of that. Anyone should be able to bend their straight a little. Don’t put him in a box.
Cue the rant.
I hate labels. Really hate labels. I jokingly refer to myself as equal opportunities, but actually, if I was going to have a label I would rather it be that. Gay, lesbian, bi, straight are all labels I hate; partly because of my belief in people’s sexual fluidity, partly because it shouldn’t fucking matter.
I prefer to think of myself simply as sexual. Who or what I do in bed or anywhere else doesn’t define me other than when I am with that person.
However; that in itself is a lie, as equably arguably who I am sexually does define me.
If I hadn’t have spent all those years behind the closet doors would I still have been as introverted as I was throughout my teen years? If I wasn’t happily and openly bi now would I behave differently to those that are? If I wasn’t open about my sexuality would I be as open about other things? Am I seen by the world as a woman or as a bisexual woman and does it make a difference? Would my parents’ homophobia have rubbed off on me if I wasn’t bi myself? I can’t answer any of these questions as life happened the way it happened, but it’s interesting to think about.
Also as much as I hate labels they are vitally important in society. I hate admitting that but I believe it’s true. Humans view people in pigeon-holed boxes. It sucks, but it’s the way the human brain is wired. To understand something or someone we have to be able to categorise it. Stereotypes and labels work wonderfully for this. And like it or not, we need them. We label ourselves and we label other people and in many ways it’s how we find friends and bond with other people. And, hell, I’m guilty myself of asking people what orientation they are. I admit though that this is often very selfishly so that I can figure out what level to set my flirting at. Hey, I’ve never claimed to be a good person.
By biggest hate of course is the frequently heard comment that being bi equals being greedy. While often said in jest this is horribly offensive. If I were straight I wouldn’t be trying to shag every man alive, so because I’m bi why do you think I want fuck every man and woman alive? I don’t. I really don’t. Being bi makes me lucky as it opens up so many opportunities to me; I have a world full of potential possibilities to explore and be attracted to, but, although I’m no fucking angel, I don’t actually want to have sex with everyone. Oh and for the record, if you’re a straight girl I will not try and “turn” you.
Despite the fact that I do sometimes find the questions that I get irritating, I am actually pleased people ask them and would rather people keep asking. When people ask a sensible question it means they’re actually interested in knowing more and understanding and that is never ever a bad thing.
Hatred, and lazy homo/biphobia comes from ignorance and misunderstanding. So I say, come on world, ask your questions, voice your confusion. Bring it the fuck on and we’ll change the world.
Sorry it got a bit out of hand…
So…firstly bi me.
I’ve fancied boys for as long as I can remember. It just so happens that I’ve fancied girls the same amount of time. Unlike many people I know I never had a slow dawning realisation that maybe I liked people of the same sex as much, or indeed more than, people of the opposite sex; it was always there, I was always aware. This has made me very lucky I think as I’ve never had to “come to terms with it.” I know a lot of people that haven’t discovered their same sex leanings until mid/late teens or even later in life and it seems to be a very difficult thing to go through; having to re-process everything you believed in yourself.
Anyhoo, lucky Jooles got lucky and I’ve just always known. No adjustment necessary. The gender identity crisis was a whole different ball game, but we’ll come to that another time.
That said, even from a young age I knew not to say anything to anyone else. Although what I was feeling never felt wrong to me, something in me knew it made me different and not to mention it to other people. I went to an all girls high school. If you’ve ever experienced it then you will know what I’m talking about; if you haven’t, well, let’s just say it’s the environment that the expression “get tough or die” was written for. It’s bitchy, hormonal, vicious and hierarchal. I guess it’s like normal high school but with intensified oestrogen. Anyway. It is not the place where a girl admits she likes other girls.
Again though I had got lucky. I liked boys too, so I could have boyfriends, or at least talk about boys in a convincing way. I remember though reading somewhere about the one in ten figure and looking around my common room at people thinking “statistically I cannot be the only one. Where is everyone else?” As firmly in the closet as me apparently.
Then uni happened and I came out to uni people and all was good. Then I went back home and the closet door swung shut behind me again. Some years later I ended up in a long term relationship with a woman and figured it was time to start telling other people. And my friends without exception were bloody brilliant. Some even had moments of “oh. That makes so much sense now.” It was wonderful and liberating and god damn I am - once again - very lucky. We will completely ignore my parents’ reaction and how I have had to deal with that. If anyone is interested maybe that will be another post for another day.
But weirdly it’s since we’ve broken up that things have gone weird again. I now get questions all the time, and actually it was one from a friend who I thought would really know better that prompted me to write this.
So, here we have my most frequently asked questions, with answers.
“So are you off women again?” - I am not ‘off’ women, I just happened to have ended a relationship with one.
“You’ve gone back to men? I thought you liked women now?” I never stopped liking men, but because I was in a relationship with a woman I didn’t have sex with one for a long time. It was just manners.
“So, do you mainly prefer men or mainly prefer women?” I don’t mainly prefer either. I like both. Now, this really is an odd one. People really cannot seem to cope that I don’t have a preference one way of the other. People are convinced that I must mainly like boys or girls. There is still a “pick one” mentality.
No.
I love men because they are firm and stronger than me and have muscle definition. They are usually taller than me - hell it’s not difficult - and, not to put too fine a point on it, they have penises and penises are fun.
I love women because they are softer, they are curvy; they have bits that go out and bits that go in and they have round bits that bounce. These are also fun.
However, when I am attracted to a person, it is because something about them sparks something in me. I don’t find someone attractive for the bits they do or don’t have; it’s what makes them them. Physical attributes are of course part of that, but it’s not the maleness or femaleness that makes the difference. In fact most people that know me know that I have a quite distinct thing for androgyny.
And here comes my big rambling on my ideas on sexuality.
I see sexuality as a fluid thing. I believe that most people fall somewhere along a bi scale. Say 1 is completely straight and 10 is completely gay, most people fall somewhere along the way. It might only be one person that ever tips the balance for them; they might never do anything about it, but that’s how I see it. I had a friend who recently said that she thought she might be bi but as she’d never even kissed a girl she couldn’t be. That to me is daft. Just because you’ve never done the nasty with someone of the same sex don’t discount your sexuality. Enjoy being attracted to whoever you’re attracted to. And why do we feel the need to define everything with rules?
Take a recent example; Adam Lambert and his bassist Tommy Ratliff. Adam and Tommy snog on stage at least once in every performance. Everyone knows that Adam is gay and it’s just as openly known that Tommy is straight. However, unless he is a damn good actor it is obvious that Tommy enjoys the attention on stage and the kissing. So people start saying that he must be gay. Um…why? Maybe this one guy is just a very good kisser and it’s all part of the fun of being on stage? Maybe he is attracted to this one man and so a quick snog and on-stage fumble is enjoyable? Who knows? We certainly don’t, but don’t call the man a liar on the strength of that. Anyone should be able to bend their straight a little. Don’t put him in a box.
Cue the rant.
I hate labels. Really hate labels. I jokingly refer to myself as equal opportunities, but actually, if I was going to have a label I would rather it be that. Gay, lesbian, bi, straight are all labels I hate; partly because of my belief in people’s sexual fluidity, partly because it shouldn’t fucking matter.
I prefer to think of myself simply as sexual. Who or what I do in bed or anywhere else doesn’t define me other than when I am with that person.
However; that in itself is a lie, as equably arguably who I am sexually does define me.
If I hadn’t have spent all those years behind the closet doors would I still have been as introverted as I was throughout my teen years? If I wasn’t happily and openly bi now would I behave differently to those that are? If I wasn’t open about my sexuality would I be as open about other things? Am I seen by the world as a woman or as a bisexual woman and does it make a difference? Would my parents’ homophobia have rubbed off on me if I wasn’t bi myself? I can’t answer any of these questions as life happened the way it happened, but it’s interesting to think about.
Also as much as I hate labels they are vitally important in society. I hate admitting that but I believe it’s true. Humans view people in pigeon-holed boxes. It sucks, but it’s the way the human brain is wired. To understand something or someone we have to be able to categorise it. Stereotypes and labels work wonderfully for this. And like it or not, we need them. We label ourselves and we label other people and in many ways it’s how we find friends and bond with other people. And, hell, I’m guilty myself of asking people what orientation they are. I admit though that this is often very selfishly so that I can figure out what level to set my flirting at. Hey, I’ve never claimed to be a good person.
By biggest hate of course is the frequently heard comment that being bi equals being greedy. While often said in jest this is horribly offensive. If I were straight I wouldn’t be trying to shag every man alive, so because I’m bi why do you think I want fuck every man and woman alive? I don’t. I really don’t. Being bi makes me lucky as it opens up so many opportunities to me; I have a world full of potential possibilities to explore and be attracted to, but, although I’m no fucking angel, I don’t actually want to have sex with everyone. Oh and for the record, if you’re a straight girl I will not try and “turn” you.
Despite the fact that I do sometimes find the questions that I get irritating, I am actually pleased people ask them and would rather people keep asking. When people ask a sensible question it means they’re actually interested in knowing more and understanding and that is never ever a bad thing.
Hatred, and lazy homo/biphobia comes from ignorance and misunderstanding. So I say, come on world, ask your questions, voice your confusion. Bring it the fuck on and we’ll change the world.