MTV: Not allowing people to realize they don't actually like music for 25 years
This is very long. You have been warned.
I realized today that I am the same age as MTV. This means that I will always be the same age as MTV, and you can be assured that MTV will always be around in some form or another, so long after I expire there will still be talk of the Channel That Wouldn’t Die and you can think of me. I can’t claim it got a head start, though; we both started out even (I actually had a four-month advantage) and one of us has made out rather well during the past quarter-century. When I think about MTV and me, though, we do have a bit of a history. I can’t really be embarrassed by this because living in a small town as I did (and do), what other portal does one have to the world of big hairdos and chicks in bikinis at ages 12-15? The one hard and fast rule my mother had about television in those days was that MTV was never allowed on. So, of course, it was always on when the opportunity presented itself. It strikes me now that I can’t honestly say anything disparaging about MTV up until about 1997. Before that, it was a pretty bitchin’ place to be on the dial (if you were in middle school, anyway), and I’ll give you a few reasons why:
1. “120 Minutes.” This obviously is (or should be) everyone’s pick for best MTV show ever. Its time slot required that I ignore all parental as well as logical laws and stay up and watch it, often with the volume negligibly audible so as not to arouse suspicion. Lewis Largent was my favorite host, mainly because he seemed like he could only exist Sundays at midnight and any other time would vanish into a cloud of smoke and hair (by the way, I could not find ONE image of him online). I only came to this show post-Nirvana, so I probably missed the truly screwy alternative stuff that preceded them, but I think I caught up on a lot of that by going to the Castle every Monday for 3 years. I didn’t miss much, in other words. But I also know that at one point it was not unthinkable that they’d play a Three O’Clock video, but by my time that possibility was long gone. Anyway, if you ask me, post-Nirvana was not that devastating a time for music, at least not to a 13-year-old at 1:30 a.m. When you are that age Ned’s Atomic Dustbin, Dink, Meat Puppets, et al, are cool and out there, painful as it may seem now. But they did have some legitimately cool bands as guests (Urge Overkill comes to mind) which you would never see on television now. Matt Pinfield came along at some point and was extremely knowledgeable, the drawback being all he seemed to know about was crap, and he’d discuss at length shit like Civ and Silverchair, with a lisp no less. But you can’t win ’em all, and by that point I think I’d moved on to ska in any case (when time travel is invented, go back and kill me, please).
2. The VMAs. They were an EVENT, on my street anyway, and we would talk about them for days before and after. The same bands always won for same-looking videos for same-sounding songs, but remember when Roseanne hosted? The buzz on that for the week previous was deafening. Very few people my age gave a toss about the Oscars, but the VMAs were something we at least knew about. When Neil Young did the song with Pearl Jam unannounced, it truly seemed IMPORTANT. Now, of course, it’s laughable that anyone ever cared, but MTV did have a way of making you feel you were a part of something. That something was a heaping pile of shrill mediocrity, but back then it didn’t seem that way in the least.
3. “MTV Beach House.” One year at summer camp, one of the counselors was like, “Damnit, I need a nap and some Beach House right now,” and I knew exactly what she meant even though I rarely watched this. It was just comforting that it was always there, every summer, every year. Also, that counselor in particular was seriously smokin’ hot, so it’s possible I deluded myself into that notion, but anyway … I remember it as just being a months-long day-length show alternating between rap videos and half-naked VJs interviewing some half-naked asshole (usually Dave Navarro, if memory serves). It was an integral part of summer break, even if you spent that summer avoiding it. But, like I said above, chicks in bikinis, so you didn’t ALWAYS avoid it.
4. The assorted personalities. Contrived or not, you have to admit there were some fantastic faces to behold on MTV. I don’t know what jerkoffs are on there now, but I am certain they cannot compete with the jerkoffs of yore. Jesse Camp is the shining example here (though he may have been post-’97), and I was lucky enough to get to see him once, playing the small stage at the Warped Tour with his “band.” A succession of items gradually escalating in size and weight were hurled at him throughout the set, culminating in a single steel-toed combat boot. But he just kept on playing right through it all, seemingly obvlivious to the blinding fury before him. Martha Quinn is everyone’s perennial favorite. She was a bit before my time; I mainly knew her from her seemingly endless sitcom cameos. Tabitha Soren was the first crush I ever had on a megabitch, and she set a precedent that has been followed religiously since. And I don't care what anyone says, Kennedy was cool. Even the early Real Worlders weren't THAT bad (except Puck, obviously). Remember when the one dude pulled the sheets off the chick's bed and she was laughing hysterically and the next day she's like "YOU RAPED ME, BEYOTCH." That is applicable real world education there, kids. Basically, I remember that watching the various shows as a tween, I felt like any of the people involved could just come over to my house or show up at the roller rink on the weekend. They were stupid, yeah, but also not completely contrived and ridiculous (Carson Daly). If any of the current heads did actually show up at my house, they'd be greeted with my old pal Louisville Slugger and a copy of "Bomp!" magazine, not necessarily in that order.
5. "Too Late" by the Shoes was one of the first videos ever shown on the channel. I didn't actually know that until I looked it up, but hey, that is brilliant.
It was very possible to become so embroiled in the MTV world that it did, in fact, become YOUR world. I suppose I'm as nostalgic as anyone else when it comes to adolescent memories, but the truth is that the channel really does suck now. I haven't actually watched it in some time, you understand, but I can tell just from flipping by it and occasionally pausing in abject disgust, then flipping on. I'm not one of the people who derides them for not playing music videos anymore. I mean, that's probably the nicest thing they could do for any of us who actually do like music. They just offer nothing now, for no one. And that's probably why they remain so popular.
And while I'm on the subject of Viacom-owned stations, remember when Comedy Central was the best thing that had ever been invented? I called in sick to school and stayed up past 3 a.m. many times so I could watch "Stewardess School" or "Big Man On Campus" for the 1000th time. While gems like that waste away in a vault somewhere, my world is comprised almost solely of DVDs. Ignoring the fact that most of the great shows/movies I remember are unavailable on that format, enough are that if Netflix didn't exist, someone would have to DIE.