(no subject)
Okay so I haven't written in this thing in half a year. But I guess I miss writing and I miss getting my feelings out. I'm now 24 years old and have lived in Florida with my fiance for almost 2 years. I have gone through several shitty jobs in the last year. I worked at a private estate for a pompous millionaire who was cruel to his animals and treated his staff like crap. Then I thought I got a great City job, but I got fired from that job for being a woman. I have been working since age 17, have held several jobs, and have NEVER been fired from a single one until then. Since then, I have been struggling to make money by doing what landscaping jobs I can find, and working a couple of days a week at a fish store (which I love) but I am not making nearly enough money. Getting fired almost cost us our new house, but thankfully Mike makes enough money for everything to be put in his name, and we were able to get the house. Ever since we moved Mike has been paying for the mortgage and all the bills, and it makes me feel really bad that I can't contribute at all. A couple of times he has kind of thrown it in my face, which makes me very angry because I am doing everything I can to get work (I am on craigslist and job sites every single day). But I know it is very stressful for him, and he has been working alot of extra hours at a stressful job, and of course I am so thankful that he is able to provide for both of us.
The most frustrating thing is that I am trying to plan a wedding for April, and I have no money. I have spent $200 on airplane tickets, $200 on a deposit to hold the reception site, $90 on invitations and stamps, $427 as a 50% deposit on my dress, and $115 on my passport pictures and application. Unfortunately my credit card balance was nearing $3,000 so I had to ask Mike for some money ($350) to help me out. I have always been an independent person, and HATE HATE HATE to ever ask anybody for anything.
I guess I never really thought about exactly what my life would be like after college, but somewhere along the way I had gotten the idea in my head that I would come out of college making $40,000 to $50,000 a year. In the two years since I graduated, I have only been making about $15,000 a year which is pretty humiliating for a college grad. I've mostly been doing landscaping work, which only really requires a high school education. Working since age 17 has certainly made me realize the value of a dollar, but as long as I have been earning my own paycheck, I have struggled financially, and financial struggle has always added to my anxiety and depression.
A few weeks ago I bought $800 worth of professional landscaping equipment (which of course I paid for by credit card) and I have done a few landscaping jobs. Unfortunately, if I want to get some real work, I really need a truck, trailer, and lawn mower so I can do full-service work. And with less than $500 in the bank and over $2,000 in credit card debt, and a lack of a real job, theres no way I can afford even a used truck/trailer/mower.
Some days I feel great because I realize that I have a wonderful fiance who loves me and takes care of me and a beautiful new house and a fun part-time job and great dogs and a great family. Other days I feel completely overwhelmed by my financial situation, and my (still) inability to pay for my $13,000 in student loans, and my lack of a steady job to support myself, and the thought that for the last two years I'm only making a measly $15,000 a year. Some days I try to tell myself that I need to be at peace, and other days I just start thinking about everything and get angry at the world. I feel like college didn't help me at all as far getting any kind of decent long-term job. The best thing I got out of college was meeting Mike.
So anyway, I just felt like venting.
The most frustrating thing is that I am trying to plan a wedding for April, and I have no money. I have spent $200 on airplane tickets, $200 on a deposit to hold the reception site, $90 on invitations and stamps, $427 as a 50% deposit on my dress, and $115 on my passport pictures and application. Unfortunately my credit card balance was nearing $3,000 so I had to ask Mike for some money ($350) to help me out. I have always been an independent person, and HATE HATE HATE to ever ask anybody for anything.
I guess I never really thought about exactly what my life would be like after college, but somewhere along the way I had gotten the idea in my head that I would come out of college making $40,000 to $50,000 a year. In the two years since I graduated, I have only been making about $15,000 a year which is pretty humiliating for a college grad. I've mostly been doing landscaping work, which only really requires a high school education. Working since age 17 has certainly made me realize the value of a dollar, but as long as I have been earning my own paycheck, I have struggled financially, and financial struggle has always added to my anxiety and depression.
A few weeks ago I bought $800 worth of professional landscaping equipment (which of course I paid for by credit card) and I have done a few landscaping jobs. Unfortunately, if I want to get some real work, I really need a truck, trailer, and lawn mower so I can do full-service work. And with less than $500 in the bank and over $2,000 in credit card debt, and a lack of a real job, theres no way I can afford even a used truck/trailer/mower.
Some days I feel great because I realize that I have a wonderful fiance who loves me and takes care of me and a beautiful new house and a fun part-time job and great dogs and a great family. Other days I feel completely overwhelmed by my financial situation, and my (still) inability to pay for my $13,000 in student loans, and my lack of a steady job to support myself, and the thought that for the last two years I'm only making a measly $15,000 a year. Some days I try to tell myself that I need to be at peace, and other days I just start thinking about everything and get angry at the world. I feel like college didn't help me at all as far getting any kind of decent long-term job. The best thing I got out of college was meeting Mike.
So anyway, I just felt like venting.