(no subject)
Okay so I haven't updated this in forever. Writing on a regular basis would probably make me feel a lot better. I've been feeling really depressed lately. It seems that whatever anti-depressant I'm on only lasts for a year or two and then I need a higher dose and eventually it stops working and I have to switch meds. I started out on Prozac when I was in high school, then switched to Cymbalta, then to Lexapro and Xyprexa (the Xyprexa was the best but it cost $250 a month and I didn't have insurance and it made me gain weight and crave food). Now I'm on 100mg Zoloft, and I asked my doctor over the phone (because I didn't want to have to pay $70 to go in the office just for a Rx) to write me a Rx for 150mg, but she said I need to go to a psychiatrist for that high of a dose! According to the clinical trials, the effective dose is 145mg, and according to the package insert, it says you can take up to 200mg for depression. It's really annoying to be smarter than your Doctor!! So for the last few months I've been suffering on a dose that is too low, waiting for my insurance to kick in June 1st so I can find a new doctor that is closer and will give me what I need. But right now I'm working 2 jobs, and they just asked me to work M-F 4pm-6pm in addition to Sat and Sun 12-4, which doesn't leave any time to go to the doctor, and the doctors that I have called won't see NEW patients on weekends. WTF? So I guess I'll have to lose out on money and piss off my employer so I can go to the dr. I need to get a refill on my birth control, which I will be very close to running out of before I can get an appointment, and I am overdue for a papsmear, so if I call my GYN and ask for a refill, she will probably demand I get a pap first, but I need the insurance to kick in before I can do that because I'm not paying like $180 for a pap and $60 for an office visit out of pocket.
Back to the second job- Right now I make $10.35 an hour at my first job. In this economy I know that it's good just to HAVE a job. But my depression and my messed up brain chemicals tell me that I have a 4-year college degree and all I have to show for it is $10.35 an hour. I can't even afford rent on my own brining home $727 every two weeks. Mike just got a raise- he was making $16 an hour and now he is making $17.25 an hour. Before taxes he is now making $690 a week and I am making $414 a week. So he's making like $13,000 a year more than I am! Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic that he's making good money, but it just makes me feel worse that I can't even give hime money for bills because I have my own bills to pay. I owe $13,000 in student loans and my Dad has been paying on them since before I graduated because I can't afford to. My Mom pays my car payments and I'm on her cell phone plan/bill. I pay $157.50 a month or $1890 a YEAR for car insurance, which fucking sucks. I'm a 23-year-old college graduate and not only can I not pay rent and bills myself, but my parents are still helping me out. So I've taken up a second job holding signs and dancing around like a moron in the hot sun (as if I don't get enough hot sun 40 hours a week at my first job). But it pays $13 an hour. The worst part is that even working 40 hours a week at my regular job and working 18 hours a week at my other job I still don't make as much as Mike does in 40 hours!
The main reason I got a second job was because Mike and I just bought a brand new townhouse which isn't built yet. We had to put $4,000 down, of which I could only contribute $500, and we have to pay $6,500 or so in closing costs, and the only way I can contribute to that is with a second job. However, working 56 hours last week (I'm going to work 58 this week) is freaking exhausting. I have to get up at 4:45 am for my first job, so I've been getting home at 6:30 after my second job and just pretty much going to bed because I'm so tired. This is not fair to the dogs, because I used to take them to the park 4 times a week, and now I'm just too tired (and the weather is too hot for Sequoia and her long fur). And I don't know if it's just that I work 7 days a which is making me depressed and exhausted or if it's just the depression, but I never feel like having sex, and most of the time when I do, I pretty much just lay there so Mike can get off and I can go to sleep. And so of course Mike isn't happy either. He doesn't say anything, but I know that he is annoyed that I'm too tired to "do anything" and that I just want to go to bed early all the time.
I'm fatter than I've ever been. I've been tipping the scale at over 155 pounds. Granted, a lot of that is muscle, but I just have this damn belly fat that I can't get rid of. I eat junk food all the time because I crave it all the time. I eat because I'm depressed, and I'm depressed because I'm fat. I hate the way I look in a bathing suit. I've tried really hard for the last month to cut out the kit-kats and the nutella and the cookie dough and the fried chicken, and now I eat 100 calorie snack packs and nutri-grain bars and hard-boiled eggs, but I still haven't lost any weight. That just makes me want to go back to eating crap because it doesn't seem to matter what I eat, I can't lose weight. And you would think working two outdoor jobs and being hot and sweaty, the pounds would just drop off. Nope. And after all of that hard work trimming hedges with a 15 pound, 8-foot long hedge trimmer for 2 hours a day, I can't say that I feel like going to the gym!
I just feel sorry for myself all of the time. All I do is work and sleep, and that's pretty much the way my whole adult life has been from age 16 on. I never feel happy. We bought a brand new house and brand new appliances and we're hoping to get married next year, but trying to figure out how the fuck I'm going to help pay for all of it just makes me so depressed. My car needs two new tires and an alignment, which will cost around $300. I want to put a trailer hitch on my car and buy a trailer to move our stuff to the new house, and so I can have it if I ever start my own landscaping business. A hitch installed will be about $225 and even if I buy a used trailer on craiglist it will be between $400-$600 plus whatever stupid registration fees there are. Then when we move into the new house, I would really like to get a new couch (a used one would be okay, I guess, but I would really like to have ONE new piece of furniture) because all we have right now is Mike's crappy old futon for a couch that broke and he had to nail and glue it back together.
They say that money can't buy happiness, but damn, even if a few hundred dollars fell out of the sky right now it would be nice. Who wouldn't want some extra cash?
As of January next year Mike and I will have been together for 5 years and engaged for over two years. It kind of made me upset when he had no problem coming up with $4,000 for a house but never mentioned the idea of spending money on a wedding. I don't want a big wedding, just family and a few close friends, maybe 50 people, but I really really want to go to Bonaire to go SCUBA diving for our honeymoon, which will cost $2,000 alone for plane tickets, and another $2,000 for a hotel and SCUBA package. The plan is that we will use part of the $8,000 tax refund that we get next year for being first-time home buyers this year (thanks Obama!!!) to get married. But I want to get married in April because that's when my family has their spring break, and we may not have that money by then. My thought is that we can get married in April with a small, relaxed beach wedding and nice reception and wait until October to go on our honeymoon. Now Mike COULD ask his Dad to borrow the money, knowing that we can pay him back right away, but he won't do that. I can't ask my parents for money because they are so broke it's not funny. And I really don't want to wait until the year AFTER next, 2011, after 6 years of being together to get married, especially because we would like to have some of our much older relatives come, and who knows how long they will live.
So yeah, that's pretty much what has been on my mind for the last few weeks! And yeah, I just wrote over 1600 words.
Back to the second job- Right now I make $10.35 an hour at my first job. In this economy I know that it's good just to HAVE a job. But my depression and my messed up brain chemicals tell me that I have a 4-year college degree and all I have to show for it is $10.35 an hour. I can't even afford rent on my own brining home $727 every two weeks. Mike just got a raise- he was making $16 an hour and now he is making $17.25 an hour. Before taxes he is now making $690 a week and I am making $414 a week. So he's making like $13,000 a year more than I am! Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic that he's making good money, but it just makes me feel worse that I can't even give hime money for bills because I have my own bills to pay. I owe $13,000 in student loans and my Dad has been paying on them since before I graduated because I can't afford to. My Mom pays my car payments and I'm on her cell phone plan/bill. I pay $157.50 a month or $1890 a YEAR for car insurance, which fucking sucks. I'm a 23-year-old college graduate and not only can I not pay rent and bills myself, but my parents are still helping me out. So I've taken up a second job holding signs and dancing around like a moron in the hot sun (as if I don't get enough hot sun 40 hours a week at my first job). But it pays $13 an hour. The worst part is that even working 40 hours a week at my regular job and working 18 hours a week at my other job I still don't make as much as Mike does in 40 hours!
The main reason I got a second job was because Mike and I just bought a brand new townhouse which isn't built yet. We had to put $4,000 down, of which I could only contribute $500, and we have to pay $6,500 or so in closing costs, and the only way I can contribute to that is with a second job. However, working 56 hours last week (I'm going to work 58 this week) is freaking exhausting. I have to get up at 4:45 am for my first job, so I've been getting home at 6:30 after my second job and just pretty much going to bed because I'm so tired. This is not fair to the dogs, because I used to take them to the park 4 times a week, and now I'm just too tired (and the weather is too hot for Sequoia and her long fur). And I don't know if it's just that I work 7 days a which is making me depressed and exhausted or if it's just the depression, but I never feel like having sex, and most of the time when I do, I pretty much just lay there so Mike can get off and I can go to sleep. And so of course Mike isn't happy either. He doesn't say anything, but I know that he is annoyed that I'm too tired to "do anything" and that I just want to go to bed early all the time.
I'm fatter than I've ever been. I've been tipping the scale at over 155 pounds. Granted, a lot of that is muscle, but I just have this damn belly fat that I can't get rid of. I eat junk food all the time because I crave it all the time. I eat because I'm depressed, and I'm depressed because I'm fat. I hate the way I look in a bathing suit. I've tried really hard for the last month to cut out the kit-kats and the nutella and the cookie dough and the fried chicken, and now I eat 100 calorie snack packs and nutri-grain bars and hard-boiled eggs, but I still haven't lost any weight. That just makes me want to go back to eating crap because it doesn't seem to matter what I eat, I can't lose weight. And you would think working two outdoor jobs and being hot and sweaty, the pounds would just drop off. Nope. And after all of that hard work trimming hedges with a 15 pound, 8-foot long hedge trimmer for 2 hours a day, I can't say that I feel like going to the gym!
I just feel sorry for myself all of the time. All I do is work and sleep, and that's pretty much the way my whole adult life has been from age 16 on. I never feel happy. We bought a brand new house and brand new appliances and we're hoping to get married next year, but trying to figure out how the fuck I'm going to help pay for all of it just makes me so depressed. My car needs two new tires and an alignment, which will cost around $300. I want to put a trailer hitch on my car and buy a trailer to move our stuff to the new house, and so I can have it if I ever start my own landscaping business. A hitch installed will be about $225 and even if I buy a used trailer on craiglist it will be between $400-$600 plus whatever stupid registration fees there are. Then when we move into the new house, I would really like to get a new couch (a used one would be okay, I guess, but I would really like to have ONE new piece of furniture) because all we have right now is Mike's crappy old futon for a couch that broke and he had to nail and glue it back together.
They say that money can't buy happiness, but damn, even if a few hundred dollars fell out of the sky right now it would be nice. Who wouldn't want some extra cash?
As of January next year Mike and I will have been together for 5 years and engaged for over two years. It kind of made me upset when he had no problem coming up with $4,000 for a house but never mentioned the idea of spending money on a wedding. I don't want a big wedding, just family and a few close friends, maybe 50 people, but I really really want to go to Bonaire to go SCUBA diving for our honeymoon, which will cost $2,000 alone for plane tickets, and another $2,000 for a hotel and SCUBA package. The plan is that we will use part of the $8,000 tax refund that we get next year for being first-time home buyers this year (thanks Obama!!!) to get married. But I want to get married in April because that's when my family has their spring break, and we may not have that money by then. My thought is that we can get married in April with a small, relaxed beach wedding and nice reception and wait until October to go on our honeymoon. Now Mike COULD ask his Dad to borrow the money, knowing that we can pay him back right away, but he won't do that. I can't ask my parents for money because they are so broke it's not funny. And I really don't want to wait until the year AFTER next, 2011, after 6 years of being together to get married, especially because we would like to have some of our much older relatives come, and who knows how long they will live.
So yeah, that's pretty much what has been on my mind for the last few weeks! And yeah, I just wrote over 1600 words.