(no subject)
Its strange getting older. I don’t want to sound like one of those annoying people who goes on about how they’re getting old when they’re only 20! But in terms of how you feel. I don’t want to feel old, but the older you get, or perhaps I should say the more experienced you get, the more you find out about yourself, the more questions you seem to have, the more the cracks deepen. This is what defines getting old to me, so far anyway!
As time goes on I am starting to see myself differently. See myself under more scrutiny I suppose. Perhaps this is because I didn’t have many friends when I was younger, i.e. not so much social interaction as I do now (not because now I have more friends- but because I am now an ‘adult’; I get noticed more, have to deal with more people, work etc…) so perhaps I didn’t have so much to compare myself to when I was younger, or people to tell me what I was like.
Now I am starting to realize I have some serious issues. I am terribly insecure, quite judgmental in my own way, very negative and it seems I sub-consciously bring arguments upon myself. I make myself sad.
I don’t want to be sad! I don’t want to argue. I don’t want to be negative. I don’t want to be this awkward and unlikable character that I seem to have become. I could go on about how I think I came to be like this, but it would yield no more answers.
I tried reading an anger management book, which was good, and seemed to have some sort of affect; if only to make me more aware of the problem and more consciously able to recognize my anger and try to deal with it. But this seems to have only got me so far. I’m up to the part in the book where all the theory is over, and you have these exercises to do… But I can’t bring myself to do them. I think they’re silly, and I can’t help but be a skeptic and think of what other people would think if they knew how sad and new-age and annoying I was being!
I need something else… I don’t know what. I often mull over the idea that I am in a trap. I have all these issues and I don’t know if I can deal with them in the situation that I am in. Being with Sam gives me no time out, no space to be selfish. Think about me. Do things I haven’t done just to see what would happen. But I know how I would feel if I left him, id be in pieces. I love him and that’s that. We’re going to get married. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. He is sometimes the only person who makes me happy.
But I need to be happy anyway. I need to stop getting angry and thinking negatively. I can see myself doing it afterwards, but it’s a feeling which overcomes me in the moment, a feeling of fear I suppose. I guess it all comes down to a fear of being disliked, of being ordinary, or worse than that! Especially to Sam; I want to be the best, I want to be spectacular, I want to be his everything. It’s harder because we have different needs/ ways, he doesn’t display/ like to receive as much affection as me, which I find very difficult and sometimes rejecting. I’m a very affectionate person. I love to be touched. But in terms of the outer world, my self confidence is so low. I’m so self- conscious about people liking me, that I get a mental block a lot of the time and can’t think of anything to say- which is even worse, then I don’t have a personality at all!
I suppose I am better than I once was. But I really need to do something fast in terms of my relationship, because if something is wrong there- everything else suffers.
I’m going to go and cuddle him. We had a silly argument earlier because I got upset thinking that he didn’t care about me, just because he wanted to go to a different restaurant! (This is perhaps a little worse than it sounds- I am a vegetarian i.e. usually get a choice of like 3 items on any one menu, plus it was Indian, and I can’t handle hot food!) But anyway I’ve been sitting here feeling sorry for myself for too long now. I spoke to my best friend which has cheered me up, and made me feel like happy Jo again.