Waiting.
So. Last night I talked to James, and I asked him for one more chance. I guess it was more like begging... I don't know. I've never felt this empty and scared and vulnerable and pathetic in my life.
I'm begging a boy who barely feels anything for me to be with me again so I can show him I can be whatever he wants, because I am too scared to live without him. Why can't he just love me? What have I done that makes it so impossible for him to feel anything romantic for me? God, this sucks. If he says no, it's going to kill me.
He told me he'd have to think about it, and he should be getting home right about now... then he'll take a nap and call me in a few hours, and we'll go somewhere... and either he will say yes and let me try again and perhaps eventually love me again, or he'll say no and re-break my heart in a slightly nicer but more painful way.
I'm terrified. And I know I am pathetic and just need to get on with my life, and I shouldn't be begging him to take me back. And I know I wish that he could feel the same for me, and knowing that he doesn't will probably tear me up inside, but if there's a chance that I can make him fall in love and actually want to be with me.... I have to take it.
And if he says no? I haven't decided yet.
I might run away. Maybe go to Clemson and find Aeron and something strong enough to make me forget. Perhaps I will make it to Nebraska and find Erin, and stay with her for a bit, being too awesome for me to be sad. I don't know.
Please, James, please just want me again. Just tell me you love me and really mean it, and actually want to be with me... I wish he needed me.
Bah. Sorry, guys.