fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
AAhhh....!
Jesus I'm terrified. I'm done with my undergrad..finally, and apparently I'm a quasi-genius composer (or at the very least "incredibly brilliant" to quote my professors), but I'm scared shitless.
I hve no real composition prospects, and I've decided NOT to go straight back into a DMA(that's a Phd) program... and I'm SUPPOSED to go work/live in Austria during said time, but that's totally liquid.
Also, I have NOTHING holding me in San Diego, if anything, I need to get away, given my propensity to pour myself entirely too much into another human being....who I drove away.
I'm without any direction, have a bullshit job that I hate and hates me, I'm in constant pain, I am REALLY depressed, and I've got nobody around who even remotely constitutes a close friendship or "loved one" within a 700 mile distance in any direction. I'm lost, and it is very hard for me to find any happiness, despite being free, incredibly talented, and healthy (mostly). Damn my head for thinking so much.
I don't know what I need. Love? or at least some sort of substitute. I see everybody else's life working out for them, while I get left in the fucking background; floundering for some outlet of creativity, or employment in my field.
I'm scared, lonely, frustrated.
I don't want to be like this.
Jesus I'm terrified. I'm done with my undergrad..finally, and apparently I'm a quasi-genius composer (or at the very least "incredibly brilliant" to quote my professors), but I'm scared shitless.
I hve no real composition prospects, and I've decided NOT to go straight back into a DMA(that's a Phd) program... and I'm SUPPOSED to go work/live in Austria during said time, but that's totally liquid.
Also, I have NOTHING holding me in San Diego, if anything, I need to get away, given my propensity to pour myself entirely too much into another human being....who I drove away.
I'm without any direction, have a bullshit job that I hate and hates me, I'm in constant pain, I am REALLY depressed, and I've got nobody around who even remotely constitutes a close friendship or "loved one" within a 700 mile distance in any direction. I'm lost, and it is very hard for me to find any happiness, despite being free, incredibly talented, and healthy (mostly). Damn my head for thinking so much.
I don't know what I need. Love? or at least some sort of substitute. I see everybody else's life working out for them, while I get left in the fucking background; floundering for some outlet of creativity, or employment in my field.
I'm scared, lonely, frustrated.
I don't want to be like this.