Untitled BangDae
The first time he had met him, Yongguk thought Daehyun talked too much and laughed too loud and he could already tell that the tiny boy was going to be his least favorite member of their new band. Sure he had excited eyes that sparkled in happiness the entire evening and maybe the way he stupidly waved with both hands was kind of adorable, but nothing could make up for the hyperness Yongguk saw coming a mile away.
But just before Daehyun had happily introduced himself to everyone and claimed the last top bunk (right beside Yongguk’s which was another thing that silently bothered him) he had taken a deep breath and closed his eyes and the most beautiful sound Yongguk had ever heard sailed into his ears.
And when they had gone to bed a few hours later and Yongguk heard the quiet sniffles coming from the bunk next to his he had to force himself to ignore them. He was their leader and he was supposed to be the one taking care of them, a job he had been looking forward to for months, but the thought of reaching out and taking Daehyun’s hand had suddenly terrified him and he didn’t know why. A cold sweat broke out across his chest and he had to roll over and pull his pillow over his head to block out the heartbreaking sound of their newest member trying his hardest to hide his homesickness.
He thought that since Junhong was the youngest of the group that he would need to be the one protected and watched over. But the only thing Junhong needed to be protected from was his own clumsiness. Until his brain caught up with his constantly growing frame he was a mess to be around. Whenever Yongguk tried to baby him it was met with eye rolls and grimaces and proclamations of “I’m fine, hyung.” After the years he spent watching him grow up he knew better than to coddle him. Even though he really kind of wanted someone to fuss over.
“Do you want to watch a movie with me?” Daehyun’s happy voice spoke up from behind him. Yongguk opened his eyes and craned his head around to see the hopeful smile Daehyun was giving him. The thin blanket and ratty bear in his arms had been brought from his home in Busan when he had moved into the dorm and they never saw him leave his bedroom without at least one of them. “Everyone else is asleep but I’ve gotten used to you snoring beside me so I’m wide awake.”
Yongguk didn’t answer but Daehyun pushed him over on the couch anyways, spreading his blanket across their laps so that they would both stay warm.
In the dim light of the living room he watched Daehyun laugh over the movie he turned on, lips curling up into delighted giggles and eyes crinkling closed. It was only when Daehyun’s fingers curled around his own under the blanket and squeezed softly did he realize that his discreet looks weren’t as hidden as he had thought.
“Sorry.” He felt a blush creep across his cheeks at the thought that the other boy would misinterpret his glances. “You’ve worked so hard lately and been so stressed out that it’s weird seeing you so happy again.”
Daehyun hummed in reply, a yawn interrupting the perfect line of his profile that Yongguk had been so engrossed in for the last thirty minutes. “I don’t mind if you stare. It makes me feel special.” He teased, winking at Yongguk. Another yawn and he was pressing himself against Yongguk’s side, head nudging him back so that he could rest in the crook of his arm. “You’ve worked hard too, hyung. Maybe instead of trying to mother all of us you should let someone take care of you for a change.”
He fell asleep a few minutes later, breaths hitting Yongguk’s neck in hot puffs of air that made him feel relaxed and tired. All of the times he had stood over the other members and reminded them to take care of themselves and eat well and to get proper sleep he had never actually thought how his own body and mind were just as exhausted as theirs were. With Daehyun smashed against him and their legs tangled together on the couch Yongguk felt all of the tension in his shoulders melt away so that he was safe and relaxed.
---
“They’re going to ask us our ideal body again.” Youngjae held out a fist full of money. “First question.”
Himchan shook his head. “They’ll make us do aegyo.”
Even Jongup reached into his pocket to fish around for spare money to bet with. “We’ll rate the members by looks.”
They all dropped back with more guesses because Jongup’s pretty much hit the nail on the head.
“I hate it when they do that.” He continued, already pulling the pile of money towards him because everyone knew he would be the eventual winner.
“Only because you’re always rated last.” Youngjae retorted, groaning loudly when the smaller boy elbowed him hard in the stomach.
Himchan jumped between them with arms outstretched. “If you two fight and mess up your hair I’m going to personally rate you both with negative numbers. And leave Jongup alone. He’s sensitive.”
They all saw the smirk and middle finger Jongup flipped at them when Himchan wasn’t looking.
“He’s such a little shit.”
Yongguk jumped when he heard Daehyun’s voice coming from directly beside him. “Jesus, you need to wear a bell.”
Daehyun’s eyes were painted thick with eyeliner and his dark skin was muted and pale from the makeup but the grin on his full lips was his and his alone and it never failed to show up whenever he made Yongguk uncomfortable.
“I thought I was loud?” His head cocked to the side in amusement. “And that you can hear me all through the dorm?”
The complaints he had thrown at Himchan only last night were repeated and Yongguk felt like digging a hole and crawling into it. The burden on his back had nothing to do with Daehyun (it had everything to do with Daehyun) and he shouldn’t have used him to ease his temper yesterday even if he’d thought no one but Himchan could hear him. He’d forgotten everything else he had said about the vocalist (shoving him in a box and mailing him to Spain might have been mentioned) but it probably wasn’t anything complimentary (he wondered if complimenting him on his amazing smelling shampoo usage would appease the situation).
“Don’t look so worried, hyung.” Daehyun squeezed his shoulder. “I’m only teasing you. I know I’m annoying.” His smile dipped a little but he managed to keep it on his lips long enough to thumb the barely visible patch of tattoo peeking through the top of Yongguk’s shirt.
He probably should have gone after him when he walked away (apologized, let truths spill out of his throat like water) but Himchan’s hand on his arm kept him still.
“You’ll just babble and embarrass yourself.” His best friend told him knowingly. “It’s been years and you still act like you just met him. Leave him alone.”
Later when the reporter asked them who they thought was the most handsome in the group and Yongguk chose Daehyun it wasn’t because he felt guilty for hurting his feelings. But he was fine letting them all think that.
---
The sniffs coming from the bunk beside him kept him awake for the third night in a row. Yongguk stared wide-eyed at the ceiling and tried his hardest to ignore them but when a cracked version of his name hit his ears he sighed and turned over onto his side.
“You snore when you’re really asleep.” Daehyun wiped his cheeks and blinked damp eyes at him from the next bunk over. “Am I keeping you awake?”
“No.” The pain in his chest was what kept him awake but that was probably Daehyun’s fault, too. “Why are you crying?”
Daehyun rolled his bottom lip between his fingers until it was puffy and if there was more light in the room Yongguk knew it would look blood red to his curious eyes. “I’m worried about the new album.” His reply surprised Yongguk. He thought it was another bout of homesickness that had kept Daehyun on edge the last few days. “What if I’m not good enough?”
He blinked in astonishment at his younger bandmate because that was one thing he had never thought of as describing Daehyun. Loud? Yes. Bossy? Sometimes. Needing a muzzle? Every second of the day. But not good enough was so incorrect that it actually angered him.
“Don’t be stupid.” He told him bluntly. “You’re the best singer in Korea. If anyone should be worried it’s Youngjae because one more smartass comment from him and I’m giving you all of his parts, too.”
Daehyun looked at him intently for a moment before reaching across the space between their bunks and touching his fingertips to the knuckles fisted underneath Yongguk’s chin. The barely there brush was the only thanks he got before Daehyun rolled away to face Himchan’s bunk.
---
“I’m actually in the process of rewriting some of the songs.” Yongguk’s smile was shy and unsure as he answered the question thrown at him during the next interview. “I’m worried I’m going to make Daehyun strain his voice and if we lose Daehyun then we lose BAP. His throat is more important than me writing a song that shows it off too many times.”
That night his thank you was another tentative stroke across the slope of his jaw. He hoped Daehyun could feel the smile under his touch.
---
When the lawsuit hit the news it was hard on them all to have to go their separate ways, but excitement was visible in almost everyone’s eyes. Promising to text and call and dinners together were made but Yongguk could see everyone was relieved they were going to finally have time apart after years stuck like sardines in their tiny dorm.
He decided to take the newfound free time to travel, to go to cities he’d always dreamed about but never had the time to visit. His phone beeped from his pocket several times but he would always delete the alerts without checking them first and when his battery died he never bothered charging it. This was his time to breathe and his chance to see if that heavy weight that had settled onto his chest that first day together as a group would ease and dissipate.
Sometimes he would smooth his fingertips along his skin and wonder why it never had the same effect as it did before. Yongguk knew the weight on top of him was never his to remove.
We miss you Yongguk-hyung!!!
Junhong’s text was the first one he saw when he came home and finally reopened his messages. They were full of explanation points and silly pictures and random thoughts that all teenagers thought everyone wanted to hear from them.
You need to check in once in a while so we know you’re still alive you asshole.
Himchan’s admonishments continued through text after text but it was the last one that had Yongguk stopping to reread.
We’re worried about Daehyun. Call ASAP.
“We could have all been dead for all you know.” Himchan’s voice over the line wasn’t filled with panic so Daehyun had to be at least a little okay but Yongguk couldn’t stop the rapid heartbeat in his chest.
“What’s wrong with Daehyun?”
Himchan huffed in annoyance. “That was two weeks ago, Yongguk. We’ve been trying to get ahold of you for two damn wee-“
“Don’t fucking start with me.” He rarely lowered his voice in anger to the other members but right now he thought he could reach through the phone and slam it against Himchan’s face. “Where’s he at?”
“Home probably. Yongguk, you really should have been keeping a better eye on things. He’s been posting all this sappy stuff on Twitter and he keeps calling and asking if anyone’s heard from you.”
The last time he had seen Daehyun was at a dinner Youngjae had forced them all to a couple of months earlier. Daehyun had sat across the table from him and playfully kicked at his feet every time he grew too quiet. “I miss your voice. Tell me how much my laugh gets on your nerves.” He’d teased him. “Is it lonely sleeping without me?”
He’d left before dessert.
“Is he okay?”
Himchan didn’t answer for a second too long. “Just call him. He needs you. You two may have thought we were idiots for all those years but everyone knew you were closer to each other than you showed.”
But they weren’t. They barely spoke outside of their bunks. Had the entire band perceived their awkwardness around each other as something more than it really was? Was it more?
“Tell him we all care about him.” Himchan said before hanging up.
Yongguk stared at Daehyun’s name in his contact list, thumb hovering over the call button. With a deep breath he pressed it and lifted the phone to his ear.
“Yongguk?” Daehyun’s voice was too soft on the other end, no trace of the boisterous tone Yongguk was so used to hearing. “Is that you?”
“Hyung.” Yongguk corrected him. “You think that just because you’re on your own now that you can get away with that?”
It took a minute for the relieved laughter to come but when it did it jolted Yongguk back to their time in the dorm when it was all he could hear behind him while he worked.
“I tried to call you.” Daehyun told him. “Several times.”
“I ignored everybody.” Yongguk replied truthfully. “I didn’t check any of my messages until just now. Himchan says everyone is worried about you.”
Daehyun scoffed. “I told them all I was fine. I just miss everyone. I miss singing on a stage and performing and being in that cramped dorm all day.” He stopped and Yongguk had a suspicion what was coming next but he gripped the phone tighter and waited patiently for it. “I miss sleeping beside you.”
Yongguk leaned back on his bed and wiggled himself down so that he could lie down and fantasized he was back there where Daehyun was imagining them, everyone else sound asleep except for the two of them.
“I miss it too, Dae.” He closed his eyes, pretended Daehyun was lying only a foot away from him and that the palm he was smoothing across his neck was smaller and warmer and better. “We’ll all be together again soon though. We just have to wait this out.”
“Can we video chat?” Daehyun asked him hopefully. “I haven’t seen you except for those stupid black and white pictures you post on Instagram. I’ve almost forgotten what you look like in color.”
He snorted but pressed the button to connect them anyways. A moment later Daehyun’s face filled the screen and the sound died in his throat because the little shit was right if he was half as speechless as Yongguk was about seeing an up close and personal Daehyun in color right in front of him.
“Hi hyung.” The furrow between his brows eased a little and a happy smile quirked up the edges to his chapped and sore lips.
“Daehyunnie.” Yongguk breathed in return. His hair was shorter and darker than Yongguk had in his mind but it was so much better because it was real and not covered in a pound of product or dyes. The only times he had seen him bare-faced was after a nightly shower and by then it was dark and everyone’s eyes were half-lidded so it was hardly noticeable. Now it was just the two of them and Yongguk felt like they’d been separated for centuries.
“It’s almost as if we’re back home like this, right?” Daehyun’s face in his phone blurred in and out as he settled onto his own bed, tilting the phone sideways so that he could lie on his pillow like Yongguk. “Me and you in our bunks.”
And he was so right that it made Yongguk ache. If they looked only at each other than he could swear they were just a tiny step apart again.
With a satisfied smile Daehyun reached towards the screen. “Sometimes you would have nightmares lying next to me. I would hear you mumbling under your breath and you’d kick at the covers. So I’d reach over and run my hand through your hair. Down your cheek. Across your jaw.”
His arm was still outstretched towards the phone and Yongguk wondered if he was going through the movements with the screen version of Yongguk and a flash of jealousy at himself shot through his gut.
“Did it work?” Yongguk whispered, wanting to reach towards screen Daehyun as well but not sure if he could. “Did I go back to sleep?”
Daehyun’s eyes lifted from whatever he had been captivated by at the bottom of the camera. “Uh-huh.”
“Do you think this is just another nightmare?” He had forgotten Daehyun’s smell, he realized suddenly. The scent of his shampoo as he tossed and turned on his pillow. They’d not been apart long enough for memories to already be disappearing and he wondered in horror what else he might soon forget. The feel of his skin, the shape of his smile, even the boom of his laughter were all things that made Daehyun Daehyun and he never wanted to forget them. “Do you think if you touch me that I’ll wake up and everything will be back to normal?”
The question gave Daehyun pause but he just as quickly resumed his tender touches to the cold plastic version of Yongguk under his fingers. “I don’t think so, hyung.” This time when his eyes lifted it was a new look, a desperate and naked one that Yongguk had experience with but never dared to imagine it painted across Daehyun’s needy expression. “But God, I’d try.”