(no subject)
Time was, I put my emotions on the internet and didn't think twice about it.
There was this Livejournal, duh, and also its Diaryland predecessor. I wrote entries about how I felt. That's how it went. They weren't usually big long emotional screeds or big weepy monologues, but hey, sometimes they were. Emotions on the internet was how it went.
Years ago, for various reasons and by various people, I was shamed out of this practice. Today, I scorn the very thought of anyone posting emotions online. It's dumb, it's indulgent, it's unnecessary.
And then there are the times, not horribly infrequent, when I have an emotion and have a desire to put it online.
Why am I now incapable of doing this? Sometimes I think about posting something in code, or making a veiled reference without actually specifying what I'm feeling. But, I tell myself, that's even worse. If writing about your emotions is a cry of LOOK AT ME, CARE ABOUT WHAT I AM FEELING, MY FEELINGS ARE SOMETHING IMPORTANT ENOUGH FOR ALLLLL OF YOU TO READ ABOUT, then doing it in a veiled, roundabout way is a two-faced, faux-passive way of saying the same things, but with an implication that YOU have to ask ME "Oh, Pitr, what's wrong what's up?"
What is this? Aren't friends there for you when you are feeling emotions? Of course, yes, duh, I know this. But I still have this nagging sense that it is selfish to bring up things that are bothering you. It's presumptuous to think that people want to hear about it, it's pointless as it is unlikely there is any helpful advice to be given most of the time, and it's ignorant to think that my problems are really all that bad that I need to whine about them.
Maybe it's the Internet. Maybe I think it's not the venue for Real Emotions, that it's the venue for YouTubez and Wiki2.0sourcehashtags. Lord knows this is the first time I've used this LJ for any real writing in over a year. Even this entry is sort of a satirical jab at my old LJ, writing about not being able to write emotions in the very place I learned to stop writing about emotions.
Or maybe it's just the skill of ironic detachment that I learned 12 years ago to impress a pretty girl (can you count how many Pitr Strait stereotypes are in that sentence alone???).
Bottling things up is wrong, I know that. And I am generally a happy guy. I hope I am generally a happy guy.
It is a hideously ugly day outside, and it makes it difficult not to dwell on the wretched things today has brought. Incidentally, Miley Cyrus was the perfect thing to listen to on the ride home. Anything brighter would've been too dissonant with my mood and irritated me, anything darker would've just magnified my crummy feelings.
There's that word again.
Anyway, you should know, if you have read this far, I am fine. Everything is okay, there is no need for worry.
This is the end of this entry.
There was this Livejournal, duh, and also its Diaryland predecessor. I wrote entries about how I felt. That's how it went. They weren't usually big long emotional screeds or big weepy monologues, but hey, sometimes they were. Emotions on the internet was how it went.
Years ago, for various reasons and by various people, I was shamed out of this practice. Today, I scorn the very thought of anyone posting emotions online. It's dumb, it's indulgent, it's unnecessary.
And then there are the times, not horribly infrequent, when I have an emotion and have a desire to put it online.
Why am I now incapable of doing this? Sometimes I think about posting something in code, or making a veiled reference without actually specifying what I'm feeling. But, I tell myself, that's even worse. If writing about your emotions is a cry of LOOK AT ME, CARE ABOUT WHAT I AM FEELING, MY FEELINGS ARE SOMETHING IMPORTANT ENOUGH FOR ALLLLL OF YOU TO READ ABOUT, then doing it in a veiled, roundabout way is a two-faced, faux-passive way of saying the same things, but with an implication that YOU have to ask ME "Oh, Pitr, what's wrong what's up?"
What is this? Aren't friends there for you when you are feeling emotions? Of course, yes, duh, I know this. But I still have this nagging sense that it is selfish to bring up things that are bothering you. It's presumptuous to think that people want to hear about it, it's pointless as it is unlikely there is any helpful advice to be given most of the time, and it's ignorant to think that my problems are really all that bad that I need to whine about them.
Maybe it's the Internet. Maybe I think it's not the venue for Real Emotions, that it's the venue for YouTubez and Wiki2.0sourcehashtags. Lord knows this is the first time I've used this LJ for any real writing in over a year. Even this entry is sort of a satirical jab at my old LJ, writing about not being able to write emotions in the very place I learned to stop writing about emotions.
Or maybe it's just the skill of ironic detachment that I learned 12 years ago to impress a pretty girl (can you count how many Pitr Strait stereotypes are in that sentence alone???).
Bottling things up is wrong, I know that. And I am generally a happy guy. I hope I am generally a happy guy.
It is a hideously ugly day outside, and it makes it difficult not to dwell on the wretched things today has brought. Incidentally, Miley Cyrus was the perfect thing to listen to on the ride home. Anything brighter would've been too dissonant with my mood and irritated me, anything darker would've just magnified my crummy feelings.
There's that word again.
Anyway, you should know, if you have read this far, I am fine. Everything is okay, there is no need for worry.
This is the end of this entry.