John says
It's only taken 6 years but at last my behaviour has caught up with me. There is nothing nice about being carried into an ambulance at 2 in the morning because your body has literally given up. "this close to death" were the actual words used by the first consultant I saw after spending two days in ICU. I can believe it. Fuck it, when my Dad told me he was genuinely worried he was going to come home and find me dead one day a part of me was worried he was right. The very next day I'm here.
I didn't fully appreciate just how ill I am until I took a proper look at myself and tried to see my body from someone elses perspective. I weighed more when I was 16 than I do today. I'm not at all surprised I overheard one Doctor in ICU use the words "suspected anorexia". Her reasoning was flawed though - I like my food, I just can't eat.
I've had so many tests I'm beginning to lose track. X-Rays, MRI, CT, Endoscopy, Colonoscopy, Echocardiogram, ECGs, every blood test under the sun and then some. I'll be here at least another week, possibly longer. I'm waiting on biopsy results from the latest tests but it being the weekend now who knows when I'll see them,
I feel very alone sometimes in this room. I'm too weak to leave it so I have a new appreciation for how awful prison must be. At least here I'm well taken care of. I've also had a constant stream of visitors. People I've not seen in years are suddenly popping by to say hello. And I forget sometimes how lucky I am to have such loving and loyal friends. I've not needed them like this for some time. Their support kept me alive back then and it's certainly welcome now. All the same, there are times the walls close in and I'm left with the usual. I really thought after all this time that part of me might have mended.
Maybe it never will. After all, 6 years is no coincidence. I still remember the exact moment I made that choice. I would give anything to go back and turn left.
On the plus side, it has been a week since I smoked and I don't miss it. Here's hoping that's one more addiction I can rid myself of. Best be careful though, after three years I'm suddenly craving Diet Coke again. Weird.