Time to Release
Ok, so keeping something bottled up is only making it harder on me so i have to let it out somewhere. I am pretty sure my writing will just be a long paragraph about crap, so beware.
Life is stupidly annoying in so many aspects. For instance, how do you turn off your emotions at the drop of a dime, because if someone knows how then please tell me. I mean what the fuck is wrong with me...am i the only person who feels a need to be connected, have someone to talk to and just have someone who you can share your joy and pain with as opposed to fighting through your struggles alone? I just feel like putting something behind me should be so easy, but then i realize how dumb that is. Who represses years of emotional gain/loss, struggles, passion and friendship in an instant. I sure fucking don't. One day that may be the case for me, but it sure is not today. I try and try to focus on the positive: I have a good job (lame on, but good), great roommates (except that damn Amanda and her non-ability to be better than me at everything) and my family loves me. That all being said, i don't think it is fair to me more often than not the way things turn out.
I like to think it is just a series of bad luck, but i feel more and more like i am just fooling myself into believing the happily ever after cliche. I mean, my parents couldn't do it and neither could 90% of my family. Why should i deserve any better? My family is full of people who deserve a good life with a beautiful person, but very few of them have that person.
I have to find a way to channel myself. I love way too much when i do love and it's an unsafe practice. When you love too much you set yourself up for a bigger flood than if you just slowly relax the levy. Yes, my analogies are retarded, but what the fuck ever as Brad would say. I don't know how things are supposed to work, but i know they always seem to be fucking broken. I don't have a big enough tool box for as many broken things i have to fix. I doubt i even have the right tools...im not a home depot! I am more of a small magic card shop...very few people visit, but when they do they know exactly what they want and exactly what to expect out of the shop. Man this paragraph turned into one mess of analogies, sorta like...that's enough.
In closing, i will eventually be able to look back and say "it only matters as much as you deem worthy," but today is not that day, today is more of "it matter way to much...because your retarded." I guess ill just keep playing warcraft and continue to fool myself enough until i believe that things being all out of place are the way things should be majority of the time. Dave talked about picking up and leaving...just washing my your hands of your current situation. That idea has such a sweet sound that today i actually daydreamed of owning a small shop in Hawaii and playing basketball when i wasn't working at it. I could see me and Dave working like 5 hour days...like a 3-8pm shift or something incredibly lazy like that. Random, but true. Daydreaming is the happiest place and the saddest place to be it seems. Another unfair aspect of life!
Life is stupidly annoying in so many aspects. For instance, how do you turn off your emotions at the drop of a dime, because if someone knows how then please tell me. I mean what the fuck is wrong with me...am i the only person who feels a need to be connected, have someone to talk to and just have someone who you can share your joy and pain with as opposed to fighting through your struggles alone? I just feel like putting something behind me should be so easy, but then i realize how dumb that is. Who represses years of emotional gain/loss, struggles, passion and friendship in an instant. I sure fucking don't. One day that may be the case for me, but it sure is not today. I try and try to focus on the positive: I have a good job (lame on, but good), great roommates (except that damn Amanda and her non-ability to be better than me at everything) and my family loves me. That all being said, i don't think it is fair to me more often than not the way things turn out.
I like to think it is just a series of bad luck, but i feel more and more like i am just fooling myself into believing the happily ever after cliche. I mean, my parents couldn't do it and neither could 90% of my family. Why should i deserve any better? My family is full of people who deserve a good life with a beautiful person, but very few of them have that person.
I have to find a way to channel myself. I love way too much when i do love and it's an unsafe practice. When you love too much you set yourself up for a bigger flood than if you just slowly relax the levy. Yes, my analogies are retarded, but what the fuck ever as Brad would say. I don't know how things are supposed to work, but i know they always seem to be fucking broken. I don't have a big enough tool box for as many broken things i have to fix. I doubt i even have the right tools...im not a home depot! I am more of a small magic card shop...very few people visit, but when they do they know exactly what they want and exactly what to expect out of the shop. Man this paragraph turned into one mess of analogies, sorta like...that's enough.
In closing, i will eventually be able to look back and say "it only matters as much as you deem worthy," but today is not that day, today is more of "it matter way to much...because your retarded." I guess ill just keep playing warcraft and continue to fool myself enough until i believe that things being all out of place are the way things should be majority of the time. Dave talked about picking up and leaving...just washing my your hands of your current situation. That idea has such a sweet sound that today i actually daydreamed of owning a small shop in Hawaii and playing basketball when i wasn't working at it. I could see me and Dave working like 5 hour days...like a 3-8pm shift or something incredibly lazy like that. Random, but true. Daydreaming is the happiest place and the saddest place to be it seems. Another unfair aspect of life!