A Post! A Post! My Kingdom for a Post!
Ah an update from the "Land of Enchantment". Enchantment indeed.
Every day I think more and more about my purpose in life, and better yet, if I am fulfilling it. I look at myself in the mirror, and daily, I see someone different. As I stare into my pools of brown, I wonder - "Am I living my life for myself, or someone else?" To be honest, I could do without this town. With its horrific customer service to its almost infinite amount of tourism. This "Enchantment" and this beautiful weather are foriegn to me. How I miss the days of the Searing Heat of Arizona. The, while mass amounts of people, little town feel of Phoenix. The 101 Freeway (as we dont have freeways in Good Ol' Santa Fe). The downtown Phoenix area, the clubs, the desert I miss it all.
But mostly, scarecrow. I miss my loves. My family, for one. I find it almost ironic that within months of my sisters ten year wait with my mother, I pack up and high tail it to New Mexico. My neglect of my family only punctuates my need to avert the pain of abandoning them. Also, most of all, my soul resides in Phoenix. My dearest Sara, my unsurpassed moon beauty. How ive abandoned her once again. I thank the Gods that be that shes found a beautiful man to take care of her. Thank you Brad, for being there for her when I cannot. You shine a light on her heart that has been covered in darkness for so long. So once again, Thank you.
Now begins my internal debate. You say "Then just LEAVE, Joe. Its just that easy." Is it though? I have my Matthew here. I love him, but this love traps me here. If I was to tell him I was leaving, he would cry and emit his magick and I would stay. Its been done before. I hate to see that heart broken on my account. Hes so child-like in so many ways. To be the one to crush that would be unforgivable. I dont know when my "Care" button was pressed. But I do care about him. And leaving him would be one of the hardest things I would ever have to do in my life. Then I wonder, if I ever did successfully leave him... do I dare think about what I would do then. Would I be happy and free? Or would I sink lower into depression as I realize Ive given up the only man in the universe who loved me, fully, for who I am and all my tantrums, eccentricities and history.
Such a conundrum.
Who am I living for? For I know its not myself.
Poo.
Every day I think more and more about my purpose in life, and better yet, if I am fulfilling it. I look at myself in the mirror, and daily, I see someone different. As I stare into my pools of brown, I wonder - "Am I living my life for myself, or someone else?" To be honest, I could do without this town. With its horrific customer service to its almost infinite amount of tourism. This "Enchantment" and this beautiful weather are foriegn to me. How I miss the days of the Searing Heat of Arizona. The, while mass amounts of people, little town feel of Phoenix. The 101 Freeway (as we dont have freeways in Good Ol' Santa Fe). The downtown Phoenix area, the clubs, the desert I miss it all.
But mostly, scarecrow. I miss my loves. My family, for one. I find it almost ironic that within months of my sisters ten year wait with my mother, I pack up and high tail it to New Mexico. My neglect of my family only punctuates my need to avert the pain of abandoning them. Also, most of all, my soul resides in Phoenix. My dearest Sara, my unsurpassed moon beauty. How ive abandoned her once again. I thank the Gods that be that shes found a beautiful man to take care of her. Thank you Brad, for being there for her when I cannot. You shine a light on her heart that has been covered in darkness for so long. So once again, Thank you.
Now begins my internal debate. You say "Then just LEAVE, Joe. Its just that easy." Is it though? I have my Matthew here. I love him, but this love traps me here. If I was to tell him I was leaving, he would cry and emit his magick and I would stay. Its been done before. I hate to see that heart broken on my account. Hes so child-like in so many ways. To be the one to crush that would be unforgivable. I dont know when my "Care" button was pressed. But I do care about him. And leaving him would be one of the hardest things I would ever have to do in my life. Then I wonder, if I ever did successfully leave him... do I dare think about what I would do then. Would I be happy and free? Or would I sink lower into depression as I realize Ive given up the only man in the universe who loved me, fully, for who I am and all my tantrums, eccentricities and history.
Such a conundrum.
Who am I living for? For I know its not myself.
Poo.