"We're Always Doing Damage Control" or "Why I Love to Hate (and Hate to Love) Brokeback Mountain"
So, I finally did it. I finally caved in and watched "Brokeback Mountain." I had fought for so long, but despite my better thinking, I walked down to Scarecrow Video and picked up a copy of the Heath-on-Jake man-love extravaganza.
The reason I resisted so long wasn't some grand stand against anything, really. In fact, my stubborness was a result of quite the opposite: I knew the premise of the story, and I knew how it would make me feel. But, someone very wise once said that all emotions shall come to pass, and all struggles must be handled at some time or another. So, I finally decided it was time to man-up, and rent the damn movie.
And the movie made me feel exactly the way I predicted: alone. Completely. Madly. Utterly.
More specifically, it displayed for me the fragile, fickle way that love works. It showed me that finding love isn't always enough, that finding the love of your life isn't indicative of any sort of future happiness.
I've been struggling with what it means to love a lot lately. I thought I'd learned love and loss my senior year of high school, when I met the man who would become my first love and subsequent best friend. I thought I'd learned the importance of balance and support and what something "adult" can feel like when I met the man who would eventually became my resident relationship guru. I thought I'd learned the importance of monogamy, trust, and discovered all of the ways a relationship can go wrong with the boy would become the loath of my life.
But honestly, I feel like my love life is-- at its simplist-- misguided. I put myself in situations where I fall for men who either A) I can't have (because of their sexuality or relationship status), or B) I can't have (because I'm not hot/smart/funny/kind/all-around-GOOD enough). I keep getting myself into these unhealthy situations, and then what? Never love. Never.
And back to "Brokeback." I feel as if I'm on this ever-present search to find someone, who I probably can't have anyway. And let's say I find him. Then what? "Nice to love you, have a great life?" I keep finding nothing but dead-ends, and finding where I want to be doesn't even promise happiness. I don't want a "Brokeback" relationship where I'm in love with someone for 20 years and never can find pure, uninhibited joy with him.
I feel like love is so hopeless. I feel most of the time as if I'll never find it again... and to throw into the mix the possibility of never finding it, or never being able to be together despite that love... well, its just so bleak.
I have a hard enough time finding guys who will go on dates with me... (God knows I wish I knew where to look)... some of my best friends are in "loving relationships" where their FUNDAMENTAL needs aren't being met (and won't be met anytime soon, if you ask me)...
... it all makes me wonder if love is worth it? My gut says it has to be... but even still... if it is... will I ever find it? Will I find someone who I love more than myself and loves me similarly?
Or... will I have to settle? Will I have to be just like my best friends and sacrafice my FUNDAMENTAL needs to be "happy" with someone?
Or will I be Heath, err... Ennis Del Mar? Sad... miserable... alone... having found love, but never getting to truly experience it...
The reason I resisted so long wasn't some grand stand against anything, really. In fact, my stubborness was a result of quite the opposite: I knew the premise of the story, and I knew how it would make me feel. But, someone very wise once said that all emotions shall come to pass, and all struggles must be handled at some time or another. So, I finally decided it was time to man-up, and rent the damn movie.
And the movie made me feel exactly the way I predicted: alone. Completely. Madly. Utterly.
More specifically, it displayed for me the fragile, fickle way that love works. It showed me that finding love isn't always enough, that finding the love of your life isn't indicative of any sort of future happiness.
I've been struggling with what it means to love a lot lately. I thought I'd learned love and loss my senior year of high school, when I met the man who would become my first love and subsequent best friend. I thought I'd learned the importance of balance and support and what something "adult" can feel like when I met the man who would eventually became my resident relationship guru. I thought I'd learned the importance of monogamy, trust, and discovered all of the ways a relationship can go wrong with the boy would become the loath of my life.
But honestly, I feel like my love life is-- at its simplist-- misguided. I put myself in situations where I fall for men who either A) I can't have (because of their sexuality or relationship status), or B) I can't have (because I'm not hot/smart/funny/kind/all-around-GOOD enough). I keep getting myself into these unhealthy situations, and then what? Never love. Never.
And back to "Brokeback." I feel as if I'm on this ever-present search to find someone, who I probably can't have anyway. And let's say I find him. Then what? "Nice to love you, have a great life?" I keep finding nothing but dead-ends, and finding where I want to be doesn't even promise happiness. I don't want a "Brokeback" relationship where I'm in love with someone for 20 years and never can find pure, uninhibited joy with him.
I feel like love is so hopeless. I feel most of the time as if I'll never find it again... and to throw into the mix the possibility of never finding it, or never being able to be together despite that love... well, its just so bleak.
I have a hard enough time finding guys who will go on dates with me... (God knows I wish I knew where to look)... some of my best friends are in "loving relationships" where their FUNDAMENTAL needs aren't being met (and won't be met anytime soon, if you ask me)...
... it all makes me wonder if love is worth it? My gut says it has to be... but even still... if it is... will I ever find it? Will I find someone who I love more than myself and loves me similarly?
Or... will I have to settle? Will I have to be just like my best friends and sacrafice my FUNDAMENTAL needs to be "happy" with someone?
Or will I be Heath, err... Ennis Del Mar? Sad... miserable... alone... having found love, but never getting to truly experience it...