depression
in the hopes that someone out there will be able to help i'm writing this entry.
i'm depressed, really fucking depressed. i don't mean i'm depressed tonight, i mean that i'm depressed, and i've been depressed, a good amount of the time for the past 4 or 5 months at least. i've been going to therapy once a week at vcu for it but it's really not seeming to help much, or at least as fast as i want it to. it's a group therapy type session so there are other people in there with me. since i started several people have been able to work through their problems and leave. others have just moved on to something else. i'm still there though trying to get through whatever it is that's keeping me where i am.
i know that alot of why i am the way i am has to do with my dad dying when i was so young and the abandonment issues that came along with that. being a shy kid didn't help, nor did moving when my mom got remarried. i accept that those things happened and that i can't change them so i'm trying to work from where i am now. i just thought it might be helpful to you to know a little background information.
what i consider to be "happy" is a general feeling of well being inside ones self. tracing my steps back i have determined that the last time i was truly happy was in my last relationship. even when things got rough in the relationship i would still say that i was happy for the most part.
the relationship ended, not by my choice, and the biggest thing i felt was abandoned. there were people who came to my aid though, and i would say the abandoned feeling subsided. i felt like i was better and could move on and pursue other relationships. i stayed in therapy because i had become attached to the people i was in there with. i wanted to help them since they had been so willing to sit and listen to me. i also remained in close contact with my friends outside of therapy who had helped me, to help them out with whatever problems they might have or to just have fun.
i started talking to new people and even going out with a few on a couple of occasions. several times after i had made the initative to get together with these people i realized that they never called me. none of them made an effort to hang out with me, or see how i was doing. to this date i haven't heard back from any of them.
about a month after i got over my relationship something happened and i started feeling really bad again. i don't know what i had been letting build up inside me but i pretty much broke down in therapy one day and just lost it. since then i haven't been able to pull myself back up to anywhere i would conisder happy.
i don't expect anyone to give all of their attention exclusivly to me, but it always hurts when i get pushed aside for someone else. i've been told i'd make a good boyfriend more times that i've actually had relationships. i don't see anything major physically unattractive about myself, and i don't really think that there is much on an intellectual or mental level that is that unattractive. i will admit that i wouldn't want to date someone who was depressed or very emotional but i am able to hold myself together out in public, and i really don't show this side of myself to many people. also, when i'm in a relationship i'm not at all like this.
i don't know what i'm asking for by writing this entry. i've only been wishing for two things these past couple of months, someone to fix me, or someone to kill me. since neither of those have happened, and i can't seem to do either myself, i just wanted to see if anyone else had any ideas.
i'm depressed, really fucking depressed. i don't mean i'm depressed tonight, i mean that i'm depressed, and i've been depressed, a good amount of the time for the past 4 or 5 months at least. i've been going to therapy once a week at vcu for it but it's really not seeming to help much, or at least as fast as i want it to. it's a group therapy type session so there are other people in there with me. since i started several people have been able to work through their problems and leave. others have just moved on to something else. i'm still there though trying to get through whatever it is that's keeping me where i am.
i know that alot of why i am the way i am has to do with my dad dying when i was so young and the abandonment issues that came along with that. being a shy kid didn't help, nor did moving when my mom got remarried. i accept that those things happened and that i can't change them so i'm trying to work from where i am now. i just thought it might be helpful to you to know a little background information.
what i consider to be "happy" is a general feeling of well being inside ones self. tracing my steps back i have determined that the last time i was truly happy was in my last relationship. even when things got rough in the relationship i would still say that i was happy for the most part.
the relationship ended, not by my choice, and the biggest thing i felt was abandoned. there were people who came to my aid though, and i would say the abandoned feeling subsided. i felt like i was better and could move on and pursue other relationships. i stayed in therapy because i had become attached to the people i was in there with. i wanted to help them since they had been so willing to sit and listen to me. i also remained in close contact with my friends outside of therapy who had helped me, to help them out with whatever problems they might have or to just have fun.
i started talking to new people and even going out with a few on a couple of occasions. several times after i had made the initative to get together with these people i realized that they never called me. none of them made an effort to hang out with me, or see how i was doing. to this date i haven't heard back from any of them.
about a month after i got over my relationship something happened and i started feeling really bad again. i don't know what i had been letting build up inside me but i pretty much broke down in therapy one day and just lost it. since then i haven't been able to pull myself back up to anywhere i would conisder happy.
i don't expect anyone to give all of their attention exclusivly to me, but it always hurts when i get pushed aside for someone else. i've been told i'd make a good boyfriend more times that i've actually had relationships. i don't see anything major physically unattractive about myself, and i don't really think that there is much on an intellectual or mental level that is that unattractive. i will admit that i wouldn't want to date someone who was depressed or very emotional but i am able to hold myself together out in public, and i really don't show this side of myself to many people. also, when i'm in a relationship i'm not at all like this.
i don't know what i'm asking for by writing this entry. i've only been wishing for two things these past couple of months, someone to fix me, or someone to kill me. since neither of those have happened, and i can't seem to do either myself, i just wanted to see if anyone else had any ideas.