LJ as memory repository
Just before leaving for the hospital, a year ago tonight.
I was too nervous to sleep, wondering how things would be different 24 hours later. The night before, Andrew and I curled up in bed, quietly whispering about all the things we had done in the time we have known each other, and how it would be the last night of just us. Never again would we be just a couple. We were quickly about to be a family: were we ready? Were we sure that this was a change we wanted? Would she like us? Could we do this? I know, a little late for some of those kinds of questions, but they still cling, even though they really aren't there.
Then, on Sunday night, I was awake in the hospital, and Andrew was awake at home, and we were just waiting. I should have let him stay with me, but I was convinced that he needed sleep and would do better at home. You know Andrew; he can -always- sleep. Well, not this once. Ah, well.
Monday morning, Andrew went to work, and my mom, who flew in 2 days earlier, came to the hospital to be with me while they stepped up inducing labor. I had been sick, preeclampsia , and my blood pressure was through the roof. I had gained 9 pounds in 32 weeks of pregnancy, and 30 lbs of fluid in the last 4. So they decided that the girl was big and strong and far enough along that they could have me deliver, so I would get better. Isn't it nice to know the cure for a sickness? (hmm.)
The medicine that they use to induce labor made the contractions start all of a sudden, and hard. I may not have been in labor long, but trust me: it was -plenty-. It started and stayed powerful and in my back. I am not an anti-drug person, but I wanted to hold out as long as possible: lasted about 2 hours on thepitocin.
6 hours into labor my doctor said she wasn't sure that the baby was responding well to labor. Her heart and respiration rate went down with every contraction. Needless to say, it is a good thing that I decided not to be type A about my "birth plan". I had wanted to get pregnant naturally, not with IVF ; I had not wanted to induce; I didn't want a c-section. However, the doctor said the magic words, that the baby needed it. It wasn't about me being tired or anything; the baby needed a c-section. Well, hell yeah, let's get this show on the road.
And man do things happen fast once decisions are made in hospitals! Less than 10 minutes after "I think..." I was being wheeled into surgery, Andrew madly putting on his bunny suit as he followed me down the hall.
Three minutes later? Baby. I wanted to see the surgery (how often does one have the opportunity to view one's own spleen!) but Andrew didn't; he made the mistake of looking over the screen at the wrong point, and can decidedly say they removed the cutest part from my abdomen.
Oh, and then the drama didn't stop. Well for me it mostly did, except I wondered what a normal blood pressure was for babies, because I had overheard 60 over 40. Andrew, however, got full drama because he knew that 1) that was my blood pressure and 2) that they had whisked away the baby because she hadn't cried and they needed to check her out. Turns out? Yep, that was the beginning of zen baby.
But then, I met her.
The child that I saw before she was a child, as 7 cells to be implanted in my body with science and prayer, and that I knew was a girl even when I didn't, and called meatlump because I was so afraid to get attached and be told it wasn't true. And the world changed forever, and I spent the interceding year turning into Mama.
Because this girl,
who has been and become so many people on the way that I loved, has always stayed my darling little girl, and now she not only knows who I am, but tells me and anyone else who will listen, that I am Mama.
I guess she likes me after all. :)