No Way Home: Part 5/6
Part 5 Strangers
The drive back to the loft was done in silence; there had been talk of a welcome party back at the loft with all the Walkers present, but Scotty felt that Kevin would only react negatively to such an event and persuaded the others to back off for now. Nora had agreed to leave them alone for a few days to see how things settled in, but stressed that Scotty could call any time or night if he needed. As he approached the loft he wondered whether seeing his apartment once more could lift some of Kevin’s anxiety and too easily triggered temper.
As they walked in to the room, Kevin walked slowly towards the couch and slowly bent down to sit.
“Tidy” he noted
“I felt I better, I know you don’t like a mess, it has been difficult with balancing shifts and seeing you, but Nora and I had a blitz at the weekend. Can I get you some tea or coffee?”
“Water.... thanks”
“Ok no problem, just sit there, I will move your things in to the bedroom and get the water to you asap.” Kevin looked confused
“Asap? Sorry, it means quickly. I will get your water quickly.”
Scotty moved round the apartment, moving things and getting the water. “This is ridiculous, I feel awkward in my own home”. He put the kettle on for some tea for himself and wondered whether Kevin would like the food he had got in to make him a special meal. Does he even like these foods any more he wondered?
“Here you go, cool from the fridge.” Kevin took the glass with a nod and continued to look around the apartment.
“A lot of books”
“Yes, there are for such a small apartment! Most of them are yours; mine are mostly cook books and live in the kitchen.”
“Throw them out”
“Excuse me?”
“Throw my books out.”
“Why?”
“Too hard for me now.”
“OK, maybe we will, but let’s just wait for now and decide later - OK?”
Kevin got up slowly and walked into the bedroom; at first Scotty held back and let him investigate. After a few minutes he followed him in to the room. Kevin was lying down in the bed.
“Could you help? My shoes...” Kevin’s head pointed down to his shoes.
“Of course,” carefully Scotty took his shoes and socks off.
“Anything else?”
“No, just need to....rest.” Kevin closed his eyes as if to mark the conversation was over.
“Good idea, can I rest with you?”
“No... alone”
“Ok, ok, that’s fine; I will be next door if you need anything. I have some food for dinner once you wake up. So I will speak with you later?” Kevin gave no response, apart from to roll over on his side so he was facing away from Scotty.
He really does know how to get his message across thought Scotty frustratingly. He sat in the couch in the living room, with his tea, picking up one of Kevin’s books on photography. Maybe I will read them he thought.
The following weeks followed a similar pattern, Scotty or one of the other Walkers would take Kevin to his outpatient therapy sessions, which were now focused on speech and language and understanding, when both were in the apartment, conversation was minimal and most words from Kevin focused on things he needed, any help with dressing, a glass of water or help explaining what a word or expression meant. One of the things the therapy team had recommended was for Kevin to read a newspaper with a dictionary beside him, to help him follow what was happening and to ask Scotty questions. Kevin, however, seemed to prefer doing this himself and spent hours either by himself or with Scotty in the background, working away at the newspaper. Usually with the same result - the paper crumpled up in various balls on the floor after he failed to grasp what the various articles meant. What Scotty had also not told anyone, was that since Kevin was back, he was sleeping on the couch and was contemplating getting the air mattress out again. The only thing holding him back was the symbolism of what it meant, a return to a relationship pre marriage, pre partnership and loving commitment. But any time Scotty broached the subject of sleeping in the same bed with Kevin, he got the same no, with little explanation and a sliding door in his face.
But Scotty knew his job was to keep trying, to keep working with Kevin. So once more he pulled up his chair alongside Kevin as he sat with the paper beside him.
“You know I can help. Which article are you reading? “What is it about?”
With a sigh, which showed reluctant acquiescence to Scotty joining in, Kevin moved the paper so both could see and explained what he was reading.
“It is something about politics, about.... gay marriage.”
“OK, what we have”
“I am confused, I don’t think we are......... married anymore”
“Yes, yes we are. During the presidential elections last November, a referendum - a kind of public vote - was done called a proposition, the outcome overruled the change in law which had allowed us to marry. Gay rights people immediately went to court to overrule that referendum. You following me?”
“Yes”
“The court ruled that the referendum still stood, but that those marriages which had taken place already were still valid, it was just that no more could happen. The gay rights people are looking to challenge it again. So the result was bad, but at least we stay married.” Scotty smiled and hoped for a smile back from Kevin.
“Seems odd.”
“What does?”
“Why people bother so much, hating us”
“Yes Kevin, it is very odd and I don’t have a good explanation for you, I wish I did. But you know things in many ways are lot better now, there is more acceptance, more rights. We just need to push a little more.”
“Frank Muir is not....accepting.”
“No, no he isn’t, but the police will catch him and he will not be able to hurt anyone again.
“Hope so”
“Kevin, I like that we are married, you did too, I would like us to be married again, just now it feels like we are roommates that’s all. How do you feel?”
Immediately Kevin seemed to close down, “Fine, it is fine.”
“Kevin, no it’s not, it’s not fine, I am your lover, your partner, whether we have a piece of paper or not.”
Kevin abruptly stood up and walked towards the bedroom.
“I’m tired, going to sleep, leave me alone.”
Scotty sat back in the couch and wondered how long this could continue.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
While at work a month later Scotty got a phone call to say that they had arrested Frank Muir, hiding out at cousin’s house. He still had the gun that shot Kevin and his watch. Hopefully this would mean that Frank would confess and plead guilty and Kevin would not have to testify. Scotty agreed to be at the arraignment the following afternoon and without giving much thought he agreed to have a drink with Jamie that evening to toast Frank’s arrest. When Scotty got home that night, Kevin was asleep behind closed doors, so he decided to wait till next morning to inform him. It had been on the news though and all the other Walkers had called or texted Scotty about the good news. All would be at the court the following day; they wanted to look at the man who nearly took Kevin from their lives.
In the morning Scotty made breakfast and waited for Kevin to appear. When he did he quickly informed him.
“I know, saw it on news”
“Don’t you feel relieved, safe?”
“There will be other Franks”
“Yes, maybe, but we can’t worry about that, this one is going to prison and it means you can feel safe.”
Kevin, laughed, “safe, this is safe?” Kevin looked around the room and at Scotty
“Look, I’m sorry I am not sure what you want?”
“Nothing, just left alone”
“I won’t do that”
Kevin picked up his coffee and went over to the couch to go through the daily ritual of reading through the papers with his dictionary. Scotty knew Kevin was still going through a great deal. But he wasn’t sure how much he could take of this. He looked at his watch and realised that he needed to get to the restaurant to set everything up before taking time in the afternoon to be at the court.
“Kevin, look I need to get going.” Kevin barely looked up. “Fine, I will be at the court this afternoon with your family. Then I am going for a drink with a friend. So Nora is coming by this evening to keep you company. OK?”
“Baby sitting?”
“She is your mum, she wants to be with you, particularly today, with everything that has happened”, with this Scotty moved towards the front door to leave.
“Whatever”
Scotty turned towards Kevin.
“OK, enough, I’m telling you now, you want to treat me like an emotional punching bag fine, I am willing to take it, whatever you throw at me, but don’t even try to play that attitude with your mum. She has been through hell and back these last few months and has never once not been there for you.” He wasn’t sure if Kevin would have understood everything he said. But he got the impression he got the meaning.
“Fine, I will be nice, now go.” Kevin never once looked up.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
The arraignment was uneventful. On his lawyer’s instructions, Frank Muir did not enter a plea and his lawyer noted he would be seeking a psychiatric assessment, something Jamie had warned them would be the case, it pointed towards mental illness as a defence strategy - probably the only thing open to them given the amount of evidence against Frank. He was given bail, but at a price his family clearly could not afford. They sat in the court room looking shocked and bewildered. Nora and Scotty tried to feel something for them, but given that they had passed on their views of hate to Frank, they found it difficult to reach out. Scotty wondered what they voted for in the proposition and knew too clearly.
After saying good bye to Nora and the others Scotty met up with Jamie for their drink. They went to a bar near the court room, but thankfully it was empty of lawyers and police. Jamie brought over a gin and tonic for Scotty and a beer for himself. “So how is it going Scotty, feels like a while since we spoke?”
Scotty laughed as he took a sip of his drink and checked his phone for any texts from Kevin, there were none.
“Oh, fine, hard, but you know we are getting there.”
“Really, you don’t look like a man who is getting there?” Jamie carefully stroked Scotty’s arm.
Scotty took a deep breath, not wanting to lose control but aware for the first time in some time, someone was asking how he was.
“It is hell, Jamie, absolute hell. I don’t think I know him anymore. Some things he says, gestures, comments, I can see are Kevin, but just now he seems to live in a different world, where only he exists and he doesn’t, or can’t share, at least with me anyway. I know he is still having difficulty finding the right word and understanding things, but he seems to have also forgot love, companionship, intimacy, physical touch. I’m not his partner anymore, nor I his. I’m not sure that is coming back.”
He paused for a moment. “Shit, I’ve not admitted that before.”
“Ok, well that is a good start then, that you have. Do you still love him?”
“God, yes, I’m sleeping on the couch and it is killing me, all I want to do is be there with him, hold him, feel his presence again. Sorry, a bit too much there!”
“Not at all, intimacy is very important, closeness, that is what makes being a partner something more than friends, you are lovers, you want that connection again. Right?”
“Yes, oh yes. But just now he doesn’t want to be in the same room as me, never mind be held by me or anything else.”
“Scotty I can’t promise to have all the answers. I’m just a cop, I catch bad guys. But what I have seen in this case is how much Kevin has fought to get back to where he is. God know what is going through his mind, but you...”
“I know stick in there, be patient, keep fighting. It is becoming a very familiar theme.”
“Because it is all you have, no one can fix this apart from the both of you. And you just have to keep reminding Kevin of what you had and what YOU want, anyway that’s my contribution, for what it is worth. Want another drink?” Scotty nodded with a faint smile. They spent the rest of the evening talking about all kinds of Kevin unrelated issues, including Jamie’s own complicated love life. Dating 2 lawyers at the same time did not seem that great an idea thought Scotty.
Around 10 Scotty indicated he better get home. Jamie looked at him with an inquiring expression, “are you sure, we could go back to my place? Maybe you could have some release from all this tension? It doesn’t mean you aren’t committed to Kevin, just that you need your needs looked after too?”
Scotty thought for a moment, it was tempting, but no, it was Kevin he wanted to feel again, not just any male body - even if it was one he thought was probably rather hot. “Jamie, thanks, believe me it is a very tempting offer. But I don’t want my head full of any more complications, not sure you do either! I’ve had a lovely night, just talking about stuff that has nothing to do with Kevin has been amazing in itself. But that is enough for now.”
“Ok, fair enough, you have my card if you change your mind, or you just want to talk, you’re a great guy, I hate we met this way, but it’s nice to have a new friend.”
As Scotty left he texted both Kevin and Nora to say he was on his way. When he got back to the loft he checked with Nora how things had been.
“Quiet, we watched a film and then he dozed. He doesn’t seem to want to chat much does he? He went to bed when he got your text. I thought I would hang on and see how you were?”
“That’s about normal, thanks for being with him tonight, I know it feels wrong, but it felt like I had a night off and had a great time too.”
Nora hugged Scotty as she picked up her keys to leave. “Good I am glad to hear it!”
Scotty poured a whisky and sat down on the couch, wondering whether he should have taken Jamie up on his offer. He thought he probably did the right thing, if only Kevin would show the same commitment to working on things between them. He heard the bedroom door slowly open and Kevin appeared still clothed.
“Heh, I thought you had gone to bed?”
“Who did you have a drink with? Mum said she didn’t know”. It was true, she didn’t but it hadn’t been a purposeful lie, just hadn’t seemed important.
“It was Jamie, the police officer who has been handling your case, we had a drink to celebrate that Frank Muir had been charged with your attack. I had told you I would be out and you seemed fine with that.”
“He is gay.”
“Yes, he happens to be yes, it is one of the reasons why he took this case so seriously. Good to see your gaydar is still working.” Scotty didn’t like the way this conversation was going, even if Kevin’s sentence construction was getting noticeably better.
“Did you fuck him?”
“Kevin, no, no I didn’t.”
Kevin stayed silently looking directly at Scotty, with a look of clear disbelief in his eyes.
“Kevin, I am telling you we didn’t, if it makes you happy he offered and I said no because I am your partner and you are the only person I have any interest, god help me, in fucking.”
“You should have.”
“Why?” Scotty reached over to hold Kevin’s arm, but he stepped away and moved away yet again to the other side of the living room. Kevin gave no answer and instead slowly shook his head while staring at the ceiling. But Scotty had had enough and silence was no longer an adequate answer, not now when he knew Kevin could speak and speak well.
Walking towards Kevin, he tried again, “Kevin, why, go on tell me, is it to give you a reason to say we are over?”
Kevin this time did not walk or turn away, “Can’t you tell Scotty, I want you to go, I don’t like to be around you?”
Scotty, felt like he had been kicked in the stomach, while he knew this was what Kevin felt, to hear it was a new level of physical and emotional pain: “But why, I haven’t done anything but be here for you. I have nursed you, looked after you, put my life on hold to get you back and now you are getting better you want to throw it all away. I don’t understand.”
Kevin was silent for several moments; staring at the floor eventually he outlined his thoughts all too clearly: “It hurts to be around you.”
“Why?”
Something in Kevin appeared to let go, ready to be honest for once with Scotty, “being with you reminds me of everything I am not. You...you fell in love with someone else.... Not me. That guy does not exist anymore. You remind me of how much I have...lost.”
Scotty slowly tried to move closer to Kevin, “I can still see Kevin, I know you have changed, I have too you know. I am not just going to be with you if you can do everything you could do before. I fell in love with Kevin and he is still here, he is you.” Scotty touched Kevin’s heart and was relieved that Kevin made no attempt to move it.
“Kevin died, I am trying, but I don’t think I can get him back. I heard what you said to mum, that you enjoyed having a night off from me. ”
Scotty kicked himself for what he said before, but also then realised that honesty was important, whatever lied ahead he knew now was the time to speak as honestly as possible as he could to Kevin, “Look, I am sorry you heard that, in that way, but yes, it did feel like a night off. For months now you have been the priority - you know what that means right, priority?”
A silent node gave Scotty the OK to carry on, “that was right, I didn’t question that at all, I wanted to be there for you 100%, I couldn’t do anything else. But, but, I am tired. I did all this to get you back, maybe not the Kevin of before, but the relationship we had, the closeness, the meaning and significance of our partnership. But all I feel is that it is still so far away I am left being your nurse maid and from that I needed time off. For the first time, I didn’t talk about you for a couple of hours, I’m sorry, but for once in all these months you were not the first thing in my mind and that felt good.
That doesn’t mean I don’t love you, or need you, but I just want something like what we had before, when we meant everything to each other but were also not defined by one thing. It feels like the attack shapes everything and I needed a night off from that. I want you to get to the point that what happened doesn’t define every aspect of who you are, because whatever you become, I don’t want you to be defined by it either. I want to keep working with you, but I don’t like being shut out of how you feel. So this conversation, it is difficult, but it is good, how we are discussing things. It feels like progress, I know it doesn’t mean you are ready for anything else.”
Kevin led Scotty to sit by him on the couch, holding on to hand as he did so. “But, are you ready to stop treating me as a... patient.... as a child.”
Scotty was surprised by the remark.
“I hear you and mum talking, about money, about work, you never talk to me about these things.”
Scotty nodded, “you are right, we have been sheltering you from these things. I have not wanted to burden you with too much; maybe we have treated you like a child. And I am sorry if that is what we have done. It is late now, we can talk about our finances tomorrow if you would like?”
“I want to hear now what the situation is, you do not think I am ready, but I am, please fill me in on how we are.”
Scotty paused for a moment, he was tired and it had been a long day, but he didn’t want to refuse Kevin anything right now, particularly if it contributed to moving forward with him. “OK, I can give you a broad sense of things for now. I am the only one contributing to our living costs now. Robert was pretty generous really, he continued to pay you as Director of Communication for 3 months, but he needed to replace you and let you go six months ago, but with a lump sum of money. We have been lucky that the health insurance has paid up on a lot of the hospital bills and treatments since; but that has stopped now and we are paying for your ongoing treatment from the money from Robert’s office. That will run out in about 2 months I think. So our rent, utilities, food etc is coming from my salary, but I cut back my hours for a long time, plus not working for close to 2 months when you first got hurt, so we have had to tap in our savings. Now I am working full time again, I am hopeful we can protect some of that. Work did get a bit frustrated by the amount of time I had off and times are not great in the restaurant trade, but luckily enough they have stuck by me and I think everything is OK for now. Does that fill you in?
“I should get a job.”
“In a while maybe, but we need to focus on getting you better first.”
Kevin stood up again and walked away. “Again, I am a child, I am not the same as before, but I am an adult. I can’t be a lawyer or a politician’s support, but maybe I can be something else. Why wait till I can be something I can’t?”
“Ok, sorry, this is hard, I can see what you are saying, you want to work again, that is good.”
Kevin, for the first time during the discussion, walked towards Scotty, “It is important, while you treat me like a child we can’t be us again. You have been my nurse, my carer, you still look at me in that way, while that is the case, I can’t be your lover, your partner - however much you - or I - want that to be the way we want it to be.” Kevin stroked Scotty’s face and a rekindled intimacy seemed to be there for the first time in so long. Scotty could only nod in quiet agreement, not wanting to hope too much as to where this conversation was going.
Kevin, continued, “I need to.... learn, how to be.... independent again. Once I do that, I can start thinking about other things. You and me.”
Scotty, smiled, “that seems a good idea, I am very happy to help with that.” He stroked Kevin’s hand. So what came next was a complete surprise.
“Good, thank you, for now, I would like you to move out.”