for good health
so, weakness comes once again. I really dont know why i've held off writing. i'm pretty sure i didnt need the whole world (or small fan base of lj readers) to know about my desperate, pathetic attempts to do something anything with my life.
I want to have it all figured out, but sometimes you just have to be and let be. It's so unlike me to just kind of wait and let time tell. being patient was never my strong point.
So i feel like i owe you a lot of juicy details, because there are a ton but its really weird for me to say that if i talk about it i will feel worse.
I dont know what i'm experiencing. I want someone to diagnose me and say this is what will make you ok again, but thats not always possible.
And like, i dont hate everyone, and i'm not really a bitch. I realy do think that i'm a nice person (maybe i'm lying to myself?) but i dont know why i let someone convince me that i was mean and that i shouldnt be acting how i do.
acting. what a strage word. we all are acting arent we? but is that bad, can it be bad if everyone does it, and if everyone does it, does it become real..even if its called acting. When does acting out become reality and reality become boring. If no one is acting and everyone is genuine then whose fake and what makes people hate eachother. can you blame someone for who they are, or what they feel or how they..act?
Ugh and stupid amanda with her Sophie's World book. Its amazing, im maybe 30 pages into it and i'm scared to read the rest. I might be forced to think about things that i dont want to. Whose right is it to make you analyze yourself and question yourself. and if you do question yourself..is that wrong? to not be self assured, to need others to support you..is that not normal?
i'm so confused about everything. It makes me think i never really had anything figured out.
except maybe that i'm ok with all of this. and that i'm not. and i dont feel wrong feeling either way.
i dont know about things. thats strange and new and scares the hell out of me. but then again, life is supposed to be scary
Philosophers spend their whole life experience the world new each day, but whats wrong to being accostomed to it and making the world a habit? Who decides that those people that lie thick in the their own trivial lives have worse souls that those who question everything. Why should we be forced to question things?
I just really dont know. I would love to think that i'm the kind of person that doesnt take life for granted..because taking life for granted sounds like such a HORRIBLE thing.
but if you dont take life for granted, how are you supposed to get anything done? How do you make things matter when all thats supposed to matter is life and death and question how humans came to life form and how the world was formed and
i
cant
spend
all
day
thinking about life. It's mentally and physically exhousting. And then you look at what you've done today and all you can say is thought. sat around and thought.
and no one is impressed by that.
I want to set my own standards. I can change my mind when i want to and be a hypocrit if i want and cry if i want to. and question if i want to and hide from the questioning if i want to.
I just think that if nothing really did matter and everyone focused making life really count that you would get so hung up on thinking about doing something with your life that it would never happen.
nothing would ever happen, but that would be ok because everything is nothing.
But i'm ok with this
dont question me about if i am ok with this
i'm telling you i am
until i change my mind
and than i wont be ok with this
and that will be ok too.
<3
I want to have it all figured out, but sometimes you just have to be and let be. It's so unlike me to just kind of wait and let time tell. being patient was never my strong point.
So i feel like i owe you a lot of juicy details, because there are a ton but its really weird for me to say that if i talk about it i will feel worse.
I dont know what i'm experiencing. I want someone to diagnose me and say this is what will make you ok again, but thats not always possible.
And like, i dont hate everyone, and i'm not really a bitch. I realy do think that i'm a nice person (maybe i'm lying to myself?) but i dont know why i let someone convince me that i was mean and that i shouldnt be acting how i do.
acting. what a strage word. we all are acting arent we? but is that bad, can it be bad if everyone does it, and if everyone does it, does it become real..even if its called acting. When does acting out become reality and reality become boring. If no one is acting and everyone is genuine then whose fake and what makes people hate eachother. can you blame someone for who they are, or what they feel or how they..act?
Ugh and stupid amanda with her Sophie's World book. Its amazing, im maybe 30 pages into it and i'm scared to read the rest. I might be forced to think about things that i dont want to. Whose right is it to make you analyze yourself and question yourself. and if you do question yourself..is that wrong? to not be self assured, to need others to support you..is that not normal?
i'm so confused about everything. It makes me think i never really had anything figured out.
except maybe that i'm ok with all of this. and that i'm not. and i dont feel wrong feeling either way.
i dont know about things. thats strange and new and scares the hell out of me. but then again, life is supposed to be scary
Philosophers spend their whole life experience the world new each day, but whats wrong to being accostomed to it and making the world a habit? Who decides that those people that lie thick in the their own trivial lives have worse souls that those who question everything. Why should we be forced to question things?
I just really dont know. I would love to think that i'm the kind of person that doesnt take life for granted..because taking life for granted sounds like such a HORRIBLE thing.
but if you dont take life for granted, how are you supposed to get anything done? How do you make things matter when all thats supposed to matter is life and death and question how humans came to life form and how the world was formed and
i
cant
spend
all
day
thinking about life. It's mentally and physically exhousting. And then you look at what you've done today and all you can say is thought. sat around and thought.
and no one is impressed by that.
I want to set my own standards. I can change my mind when i want to and be a hypocrit if i want and cry if i want to. and question if i want to and hide from the questioning if i want to.
I just think that if nothing really did matter and everyone focused making life really count that you would get so hung up on thinking about doing something with your life that it would never happen.
nothing would ever happen, but that would be ok because everything is nothing.
But i'm ok with this
dont question me about if i am ok with this
i'm telling you i am
until i change my mind
and than i wont be ok with this
and that will be ok too.
<3