(no subject)
Going home this weekend was a much needed experience. Just to be surrounded by people who love you more than anything else and to have friends who give up certian things just to hang out with you is nice. It was nice to feel important and needed and wanted. I haven't felt that good in a long time. Sean and Jamie are incredible friends whom I cherish greatly. I miss them both terribly and wish I could see them everyday.
Somethings don't matter to me anymore. Like dreaming of a future with Kyle. He doesn't want to get "Carried away" and get caught in a fairy tale world. He put me in that world and now he wants out? I tried to tell him at the beginning of the summer that his world only lead to blindness and corruption, but he wouldn't listen. He didn't give my words a chance to sink in until now, when things went bad. I told him that he would realize how we are at such different parts of our lives, but he wouldn't hear it. I told him how he was going to have to step into my pessimistic world and leave his boyish fairy tale behind but he would hear nothing of it. Last semester he did something to me that no one has ever been able to do. He swept me off my feet and when he put me down he left me in a world that is forign to me. A world where everything works out and everything is perfect, a place where dreaming becomes reality and there is no pain. If that's his world, why did he leave me in it alone? Why am I the only dreamer now? He won't even talk about the dreams we had together last semester, which tears me up and it shouldn't. Have I truly been pushed out of my own little corner into a strange new land that I can't get myself out of. I was content in my negative and gloomy world. It kept reality in my sights and didn't let me slip into a level of caring. Now I've slipped, so what happens now?
Do I stay in this land, cause I can't seem to find my way out? What do I do? How can I get out of a world that I never wanted to be in the first place? I'm stuck with all these dreams and ideas that I want to share with him, but I can't, because he won't let me share these things with him anymore. "We'll get into deep and you'll throw these things back in my face". I didn't mean to, but I thought we were in the same place, but once again I was wrong. I should get used to that being wrong thing, seems to be a reoccurring pattern in my life. He won't even talk to me about these things anymore.....why? What has changed so much? He said we could just have our big toe in the door of the pessimistic world, but instead he has his big toe in the fairy tale world, and I'm stuck. Can't move, can't breathe, can't see what I had seen before summer ended. I'm suffocating in this world of hearts and flowers and there is no way out for me. NO WAY OUT!
Somethings don't matter to me anymore. Like dreaming of a future with Kyle. He doesn't want to get "Carried away" and get caught in a fairy tale world. He put me in that world and now he wants out? I tried to tell him at the beginning of the summer that his world only lead to blindness and corruption, but he wouldn't listen. He didn't give my words a chance to sink in until now, when things went bad. I told him that he would realize how we are at such different parts of our lives, but he wouldn't hear it. I told him how he was going to have to step into my pessimistic world and leave his boyish fairy tale behind but he would hear nothing of it. Last semester he did something to me that no one has ever been able to do. He swept me off my feet and when he put me down he left me in a world that is forign to me. A world where everything works out and everything is perfect, a place where dreaming becomes reality and there is no pain. If that's his world, why did he leave me in it alone? Why am I the only dreamer now? He won't even talk about the dreams we had together last semester, which tears me up and it shouldn't. Have I truly been pushed out of my own little corner into a strange new land that I can't get myself out of. I was content in my negative and gloomy world. It kept reality in my sights and didn't let me slip into a level of caring. Now I've slipped, so what happens now?
Do I stay in this land, cause I can't seem to find my way out? What do I do? How can I get out of a world that I never wanted to be in the first place? I'm stuck with all these dreams and ideas that I want to share with him, but I can't, because he won't let me share these things with him anymore. "We'll get into deep and you'll throw these things back in my face". I didn't mean to, but I thought we were in the same place, but once again I was wrong. I should get used to that being wrong thing, seems to be a reoccurring pattern in my life. He won't even talk to me about these things anymore.....why? What has changed so much? He said we could just have our big toe in the door of the pessimistic world, but instead he has his big toe in the fairy tale world, and I'm stuck. Can't move, can't breathe, can't see what I had seen before summer ended. I'm suffocating in this world of hearts and flowers and there is no way out for me. NO WAY OUT!