Ask Doctor Dyke
Guess what.
I'm going to take a kickboxing class. (!)?
I actually just want to take a workout class because we're moving off the farm, so I won't have barn work to MAKE me get up and tote around haybales.
Deep down, I think I want to take it because I want to continue cultivating my new musculature. You should hear the GF talking about my legs. -pant pant pant- She made me SHOW them to Diana. Not to mention I can carry her around and she loves it.
This muscular revelation, however, has brought up gender issues for me. I'm turning into a very dykey butch. I bought men's jeans a few days ago AND they're hot.
... I think I'm having my midlife crisis...
I'm going to get one more ear piercing AND (ready Shannon?) I'm getting my nose pierced. I'm also going to dye my hair red. I'm going to make Ben come with me on a shopping trip and he's going to pick out my clothes. This is my inner feminist bitch finally lacing up her combat boots. And you know what? I like it.
I'm also growing my hair out. Just to confuse people.
I don't HATE men. I like Ben. I really do. And he's straight and everything. But he and Dan (and my new friend Steve) are all... You know... The exception.
AND what's WRONG with being a man-hater?? Can't I just hate the patriarchy and like the men I deem appropriate?? Isn't that what most people do anyway?? For both sexes??
And if that makes me a 'bad' feminist, fine. I happen to think, with all the shit that's thrown in women's faces by mankind in general, men DO have to prove themselves to me. So if that makes me a man-hating bitch, (which by society's standards I am already cause I don't SLEEP with men,) then fine. I'll join the club and buy the t-shirt. Fine.
Good. I feel better.
Hey, on the sunny side, I've become the dyke sister of Dr. Phil. I'm now everybody's sex advisor. Ask me anything,- who should you sleep with? HOW you should sleep with them? Shut up and dam it?
Dr. Dyke: Caller number one, you're on the air.
Caller number one: Hello, Dr. D? I have a sex question. Can you help me?
Dr. D: Why, surely, ma'am. What can I do ya for?
#1: I'm a straight woman in my twenties and I-
Dr. D: No you're not. You're definitely a lesbian.
#1: No I'm not!
Dr. D: Yes, you are.
#1: No, I'm NOT.
Dr. D: Yes, you are.
#1: -breaks into tears- You're right! I am. Thank you so much for bringing me out, Dr. Dyke! I never would have guessed that I too, am a lesbian like yourself. But, Dr.- How did you know?
Dr. D: -Modestly- Easy. All women are lesbians. Why do you think 'chick flicks' were invented? Or chocolate body paint? Or scandilous sleepovers? Certainly not for straight men. You'll be recieving your lifetime's supply of Ben and Jerry's within the next twenty minutes. Next caller?
Caller #2: Hi. I'm a straight man in my twenties. I have a problem.
Dr. D: Shoot.
#2: Uh, you just made my girlfriend into a lesbian and she and her lifepartner are making out in my living room. What do I do?
Dr. D: You ain't no straight boy if you don't know what to do when lesbians are making out in your lving room. Next!
I'm going to take a kickboxing class. (!)?
I actually just want to take a workout class because we're moving off the farm, so I won't have barn work to MAKE me get up and tote around haybales.
Deep down, I think I want to take it because I want to continue cultivating my new musculature. You should hear the GF talking about my legs. -pant pant pant- She made me SHOW them to Diana. Not to mention I can carry her around and she loves it.
This muscular revelation, however, has brought up gender issues for me. I'm turning into a very dykey butch. I bought men's jeans a few days ago AND they're hot.
... I think I'm having my midlife crisis...
I'm going to get one more ear piercing AND (ready Shannon?) I'm getting my nose pierced. I'm also going to dye my hair red. I'm going to make Ben come with me on a shopping trip and he's going to pick out my clothes. This is my inner feminist bitch finally lacing up her combat boots. And you know what? I like it.
I'm also growing my hair out. Just to confuse people.
I don't HATE men. I like Ben. I really do. And he's straight and everything. But he and Dan (and my new friend Steve) are all... You know... The exception.
AND what's WRONG with being a man-hater?? Can't I just hate the patriarchy and like the men I deem appropriate?? Isn't that what most people do anyway?? For both sexes??
And if that makes me a 'bad' feminist, fine. I happen to think, with all the shit that's thrown in women's faces by mankind in general, men DO have to prove themselves to me. So if that makes me a man-hating bitch, (which by society's standards I am already cause I don't SLEEP with men,) then fine. I'll join the club and buy the t-shirt. Fine.
Good. I feel better.
Hey, on the sunny side, I've become the dyke sister of Dr. Phil. I'm now everybody's sex advisor. Ask me anything,- who should you sleep with? HOW you should sleep with them? Shut up and dam it?
Dr. Dyke: Caller number one, you're on the air.
Caller number one: Hello, Dr. D? I have a sex question. Can you help me?
Dr. D: Why, surely, ma'am. What can I do ya for?
#1: I'm a straight woman in my twenties and I-
Dr. D: No you're not. You're definitely a lesbian.
#1: No I'm not!
Dr. D: Yes, you are.
#1: No, I'm NOT.
Dr. D: Yes, you are.
#1: -breaks into tears- You're right! I am. Thank you so much for bringing me out, Dr. Dyke! I never would have guessed that I too, am a lesbian like yourself. But, Dr.- How did you know?
Dr. D: -Modestly- Easy. All women are lesbians. Why do you think 'chick flicks' were invented? Or chocolate body paint? Or scandilous sleepovers? Certainly not for straight men. You'll be recieving your lifetime's supply of Ben and Jerry's within the next twenty minutes. Next caller?
Caller #2: Hi. I'm a straight man in my twenties. I have a problem.
Dr. D: Shoot.
#2: Uh, you just made my girlfriend into a lesbian and she and her lifepartner are making out in my living room. What do I do?
Dr. D: You ain't no straight boy if you don't know what to do when lesbians are making out in your lving room. Next!