Stupid lack of work... blah
Well, I had a very nice wakeup call this morning. Jason was snuggling up to me, rubbing my back, kissing my neck, etc. The thing that really actually woke me up was that he took my snuggly pillow cuddle-toy away. Hehe. I grumbled at him, but it was definitely worth what I got instead. ;) *Sigh* I’m sleepy, but hell, I’m sure not complaining that I got woke up two hours early; I’ll live.
What I don’t understand is why he’s been so sweet to me. He says it’s just because he loves me, but he always has… I just don’t understand, and maybe this is just me, how he can say he doesn’t want to be with me, that I don’t make him happy, and that he wants to leave, but then he seems so perfectly happy and content to be with me. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. He says he wants to leave, but he sure doesn’t act like it. Now I’m not saying that I want him to stop being sweet or any of that, it’s just that I don’t see how he’d still want to leave if he’s happy. I thought that was why he wanted to leave in the first place? And if that’s not a problem anymore, why still leave? I’m so frustrated and scared. No, not scared. Terrified. I really don’t want to lose him, but I guess it’s out of my control. I just hate feeling so helpless, and I don’t like waiting and not knowing what’s going to happen. I wanted to talk about this yesterday and Sunday, and he just said “Wait.” I asked until when, and he just said “later.” So, whatever that means. He can be so cryptic sometimes. I know he doesn’t want to hurt anyone, but it can’t be helped. If he decides to stay here, Rachel will be hurt. If he goes, I’ll be hurt. And I’m sure this is biased, but I think I deserve more of a chance since I’m actually married to him. We promised to stick by each other no matter what, good times and bad. I know we can get through this. The problem is, does Jason know that…
*Sigh* I hate coming to work. Not because I don’t like my job or the people I work with, but because I always end up sitting here thinking about everything that’s going on until I’m miserable. And I can’t call Jason and talk about it because I’ll get upset. Blah. What to do…
What I don’t understand is why he’s been so sweet to me. He says it’s just because he loves me, but he always has… I just don’t understand, and maybe this is just me, how he can say he doesn’t want to be with me, that I don’t make him happy, and that he wants to leave, but then he seems so perfectly happy and content to be with me. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. He says he wants to leave, but he sure doesn’t act like it. Now I’m not saying that I want him to stop being sweet or any of that, it’s just that I don’t see how he’d still want to leave if he’s happy. I thought that was why he wanted to leave in the first place? And if that’s not a problem anymore, why still leave? I’m so frustrated and scared. No, not scared. Terrified. I really don’t want to lose him, but I guess it’s out of my control. I just hate feeling so helpless, and I don’t like waiting and not knowing what’s going to happen. I wanted to talk about this yesterday and Sunday, and he just said “Wait.” I asked until when, and he just said “later.” So, whatever that means. He can be so cryptic sometimes. I know he doesn’t want to hurt anyone, but it can’t be helped. If he decides to stay here, Rachel will be hurt. If he goes, I’ll be hurt. And I’m sure this is biased, but I think I deserve more of a chance since I’m actually married to him. We promised to stick by each other no matter what, good times and bad. I know we can get through this. The problem is, does Jason know that…
*Sigh* I hate coming to work. Not because I don’t like my job or the people I work with, but because I always end up sitting here thinking about everything that’s going on until I’m miserable. And I can’t call Jason and talk about it because I’ll get upset. Blah. What to do…