there are dark circles under my eyes...
I don't know what it is about me that I am this roller coaster of constant emotion. I suppose it is just one of my quirks that I can instantly go from carefree and happy to worried and depressed and then back to joyful in no time.
That was random.
Right now I am worried. About lots of things. And I know that it is pointless. And I trust that God has my back.
I'm so worried about Val. I lost touch with her somewhere in the midst of summer craziness and try as I might she is slipping further and further away from me. My heart breaks that someone so beautiful and so precious to me could hurt so badly. And there is nothing I can do about it. It scares me that she won't let anyone help her, and yet I recognize the struggle because it was mine for so many long months. I know that she will rise out of unhappiness and find her niche in the world wherever that may be, and I trust that God will never leave her, but I worry about the time she is losing due to misery. Though I must remind myself that it was in my deepest point of misery that I learned so much about who I am at my very core. God, I miss my best friend. I miss 4 hour phone conversations about nothing and everything. I miss holding hands and skipping down the beach. I miss meeting boys and evading boys together. I miss telling each other everything. I miss knowing her next step before she even takes it. I miss being the person she turned to before turning to anyone else. I miss her wisdom and her defense of everyone. I miss her.
And I'm worried about myself because I put up walls way too easily, and it will be way too easy for me to allow myself to think that I don't care that we didn't have our annual beach trip together this year, or that I'm not her best friend anymore. Because no matter how much I put up a strong front, on the inside I am crushed in a thousand different pieces. I don't know where those pieces fit anymore, and so they become building blocks for a iron-willed blockade.
I'm worried about Nick because I know the pain he is feeling right now. I know the pain of losing a loved one only to deal with the horrid logistics that death may bring. I know the longing to curl up and sleep away the pain, wanting nothing more than to wake up to a day of sunshine and whole family picnics. But I know that Nick is strong and he can make it through anything.
I'm worried about Amanda because she cries too much. It scares me to think that she has become so dependent on one person. That isn't healthy in any sort of way. But as with everyone I know that she will persevere through all her trials. And I'm going to miss her so badly too. So badly.
And my nightmares are back- in full force. Last night I know I dreamt in color because I can remember it so vividly...
I was in my house with a small handful of people that I knew, but cannot now place directly. THere were two small children that lived next door with their mother- a small blonde woman. The older of the children was named Simon and he was a terrifying child that changed colors as you watched him. In front of my eyes this little boy went from green to blue to violet to yellow and so on as though this were a normal thing. The little boy would edge ever so closer to me wielding a knife in his right hand as I cowered in a corner of my parent's room. When he spoke it came out in growls. Then Tony and I were in the car on 77 and there was this sense of urgency in the car, as though we knew something bad had happened but my dream had not yet revealed what. I remember we bought coffee in preparation for the long day ahead. Then I was back at my house, but this time I was looking for Simon. His brother JP (the kid from Angels in the Outfield) told me that Simon had been killed. JP was frightened and crying and I brought him back to my house to comfort him and to find out what he knew about his brother. He told me that his mother had killed his brother and was on her way back to kill him. Then Hannah and I figured out that she had probably put his body in the creek below my house and so we went to comb through the creek- which has actually turned into a dark swamp. Just as we found his mutilated body his mother shows up with a large group of adults from our church. I pull Kenny (my pastor) aside and tell him to catch hold of her while I call the cops. When the cops come they tell me there is nothing they can do because the little boy is too young for them to be worried about it. So the scary mother is set free. And now she's after me....
and that's why I'm exhausted but terrified to fall asleep.
That was random.
Right now I am worried. About lots of things. And I know that it is pointless. And I trust that God has my back.
I'm so worried about Val. I lost touch with her somewhere in the midst of summer craziness and try as I might she is slipping further and further away from me. My heart breaks that someone so beautiful and so precious to me could hurt so badly. And there is nothing I can do about it. It scares me that she won't let anyone help her, and yet I recognize the struggle because it was mine for so many long months. I know that she will rise out of unhappiness and find her niche in the world wherever that may be, and I trust that God will never leave her, but I worry about the time she is losing due to misery. Though I must remind myself that it was in my deepest point of misery that I learned so much about who I am at my very core. God, I miss my best friend. I miss 4 hour phone conversations about nothing and everything. I miss holding hands and skipping down the beach. I miss meeting boys and evading boys together. I miss telling each other everything. I miss knowing her next step before she even takes it. I miss being the person she turned to before turning to anyone else. I miss her wisdom and her defense of everyone. I miss her.
And I'm worried about myself because I put up walls way too easily, and it will be way too easy for me to allow myself to think that I don't care that we didn't have our annual beach trip together this year, or that I'm not her best friend anymore. Because no matter how much I put up a strong front, on the inside I am crushed in a thousand different pieces. I don't know where those pieces fit anymore, and so they become building blocks for a iron-willed blockade.
I'm worried about Nick because I know the pain he is feeling right now. I know the pain of losing a loved one only to deal with the horrid logistics that death may bring. I know the longing to curl up and sleep away the pain, wanting nothing more than to wake up to a day of sunshine and whole family picnics. But I know that Nick is strong and he can make it through anything.
I'm worried about Amanda because she cries too much. It scares me to think that she has become so dependent on one person. That isn't healthy in any sort of way. But as with everyone I know that she will persevere through all her trials. And I'm going to miss her so badly too. So badly.
And my nightmares are back- in full force. Last night I know I dreamt in color because I can remember it so vividly...
I was in my house with a small handful of people that I knew, but cannot now place directly. THere were two small children that lived next door with their mother- a small blonde woman. The older of the children was named Simon and he was a terrifying child that changed colors as you watched him. In front of my eyes this little boy went from green to blue to violet to yellow and so on as though this were a normal thing. The little boy would edge ever so closer to me wielding a knife in his right hand as I cowered in a corner of my parent's room. When he spoke it came out in growls. Then Tony and I were in the car on 77 and there was this sense of urgency in the car, as though we knew something bad had happened but my dream had not yet revealed what. I remember we bought coffee in preparation for the long day ahead. Then I was back at my house, but this time I was looking for Simon. His brother JP (the kid from Angels in the Outfield) told me that Simon had been killed. JP was frightened and crying and I brought him back to my house to comfort him and to find out what he knew about his brother. He told me that his mother had killed his brother and was on her way back to kill him. Then Hannah and I figured out that she had probably put his body in the creek below my house and so we went to comb through the creek- which has actually turned into a dark swamp. Just as we found his mutilated body his mother shows up with a large group of adults from our church. I pull Kenny (my pastor) aside and tell him to catch hold of her while I call the cops. When the cops come they tell me there is nothing they can do because the little boy is too young for them to be worried about it. So the scary mother is set free. And now she's after me....
and that's why I'm exhausted but terrified to fall asleep.