Oh, this could be the only chance we get.
The semester is over and I'm back in Texas celebrating Christmas. I've been feeling pretty blah lately. I was fairly excited leading up to the end of the semester with hopes and dreams of creating a project that I could be extremely proud of. Something to really use as the seminal project for my portfolio in obtaining a post-graduation job, and to also get me a Feldman nomination. In the closing days of the semester and as we were presenting our project (was a group project with Brian)... I realized that our project did not meet my expectations. I was fairly disappointed in myself. My ambitions were in the wrong place and I made the wrong decisions on what to focus on and develop. It was all my fault. And my partnership was terrible. I wanted out of it from the beginning and it ended up causing lots of frustration for the duration of the semester. It was an urban studio, and I felt like I don't know how to design cities any better than when I entered. I learned more about building relationships from Matthias in Munich than I did in this studio. All I want to do now is a building. All of my work at Yale thus far has been super-sized and overwhelming. I'm tired of it.
The realization of all of this as the semester closed, coupled with the far too little time I had remaining to create papers for my classes that I could actually be proud of has made me pretty sad. On top of that... I have constant feelings of unhappiness in my relationship. I don't know if its me or us. Sometimes I think we just don't work together. We're both too stubborn and set in our ways. Most of the time I think its just timing. I am so busy with school and my mind is constantly blown. Tossing a relationship on top of that takes its toll. Scott tells me its for the bet to try and teach me a life balance. Which is something I am terrible at. She does keep me grounded sometimes which is something I need. Sarah is good for me. I just felt like this semester got away from me more than the other ones. There was too much going on. Too many obligations inside and outside the school. Everything really felt like a cluster-fuck in the end. I never felt confident as though I was on top of everything and being a "good student." I felt like a terrible student. I was a lot happier at the end of last semester. I dunno.
One thing I am proud of was the interviews I did for Ed's class. I ended up wanting to write a paper on how to create an architectural startup. Instead of actually writing a 15 page paper, I produced a 27-page transcript of interviews I had done with the principles of SHoP, LTL Architects, Allied Works, Architecture Research Office and Work.AC. I was pretty happy with meeting that guys. Felt really lucky and entrepreneurial. Over the next few days I will begin the process of writing out my cover letters and emails for jobs post graduation. I am really scared about it. I know it will consume my life outside of studio, classwork and Sarah. It will also consume my emotions. I am so hesitant on starting because I know I will have my heart broken. Its like going to the high school dance. I am an overweight dork and here I am asking the princesses of the school for a dance. I am aiming really high. I have quite a number of backups, but its going to hurt so bad when I have to take a job with one of them instead of firms that I highly respect. I know its going to hurt to get rejected. I know I am going to really question this entire Yale thing if I end up in a small no-name firm doing construction documents or anything below the level of work that I was doing in Munich. I guess thats why I am hesitant to begin this process.
The road will be long and hard. And I haven't been very confident in myself in a long time. I haven't done anything that I am proud of in too long. It is taking its toll on me. I've got to get out of this rut.
soundtrack to entry:
The realization of all of this as the semester closed, coupled with the far too little time I had remaining to create papers for my classes that I could actually be proud of has made me pretty sad. On top of that... I have constant feelings of unhappiness in my relationship. I don't know if its me or us. Sometimes I think we just don't work together. We're both too stubborn and set in our ways. Most of the time I think its just timing. I am so busy with school and my mind is constantly blown. Tossing a relationship on top of that takes its toll. Scott tells me its for the bet to try and teach me a life balance. Which is something I am terrible at. She does keep me grounded sometimes which is something I need. Sarah is good for me. I just felt like this semester got away from me more than the other ones. There was too much going on. Too many obligations inside and outside the school. Everything really felt like a cluster-fuck in the end. I never felt confident as though I was on top of everything and being a "good student." I felt like a terrible student. I was a lot happier at the end of last semester. I dunno.
One thing I am proud of was the interviews I did for Ed's class. I ended up wanting to write a paper on how to create an architectural startup. Instead of actually writing a 15 page paper, I produced a 27-page transcript of interviews I had done with the principles of SHoP, LTL Architects, Allied Works, Architecture Research Office and Work.AC. I was pretty happy with meeting that guys. Felt really lucky and entrepreneurial. Over the next few days I will begin the process of writing out my cover letters and emails for jobs post graduation. I am really scared about it. I know it will consume my life outside of studio, classwork and Sarah. It will also consume my emotions. I am so hesitant on starting because I know I will have my heart broken. Its like going to the high school dance. I am an overweight dork and here I am asking the princesses of the school for a dance. I am aiming really high. I have quite a number of backups, but its going to hurt so bad when I have to take a job with one of them instead of firms that I highly respect. I know its going to hurt to get rejected. I know I am going to really question this entire Yale thing if I end up in a small no-name firm doing construction documents or anything below the level of work that I was doing in Munich. I guess thats why I am hesitant to begin this process.
The road will be long and hard. And I haven't been very confident in myself in a long time. I haven't done anything that I am proud of in too long. It is taking its toll on me. I've got to get out of this rut.
soundtrack to entry: