ON/OFF Screen [Chapter 22]
AUTHOR'S NOTE: There's a lot of angst in this chapter, I almost cried as I wrote the words. Is that even possible? As usual, thank you for reading! Comments, criticism and inputs would be highly appreciated. If you haven't read the previous chapters, you can always refer to the master post
CHAPTER 22
「My Heart Screams Your Name When It Shatters」
"Nande?" It is the only one word that I can get out of my mouth, in such a faint whisper.
Jun-kun just sigh and lay his back on his seat, looking away from me, looking away from us.
"You know, Sho-kun or was it Aiba-chan, said to me once that I always date my co-stars, girls who are in this same industry," He slowly explains in a low voice.
He then lets out a small smile. How could he smile in a moment like this?
"I didn't realize that until they said so. It got me thinking and wonder why. Sho-kun said that one of the reasons is that I get too involved with my character on-screen. But after a few months dating you, I finally knew why.. The definite reasoning.."
He lets go of his grip at the steering wheel and blink a few times, his calmness cracks for a bit as if the memories of us this whole year has finally come back to his senses.
"It is because I thought fellow entertainers, fellow actors, would understand me better. The insane working hours, the fans, the press, the tabloids, the jimusho and most importantly, the consequences of our work.."
I scoff, "How could you logicalize love like that? People can't be generalize in what they do for a living."
He just smiles again, "I know. I shouldn't do that. Today you just prove it to me that I was wrong."
He turns to me, his eyes are grim and as dark as the night, "You don't understand."
If a heart has been broken once, can it still breaks again? I know that 'heart breaks' is completely a fugirative speech, but I swear this one time, the pieces of my heart shatters to dust. And every dust, like star dusts that lights up this dark night, shines so bright that it stings.
My voice cracks up even though I can't feel tears coming in, "So you're saying that you don't love me anymore?"
He just looks away, "I never said that I ever do."
I can hear his voice cracking up even though he tries to maintain his coolness. But I couldn't make it out anymore. I can't feel anything except for the darkness that just swallows me whole.
I close me eyes and accept the cold truth, "It's true. You never did. Not even once. But I've always believed that you actually do."
Please, Jun, don't do this. Can you hear the sound a heart makes when it shatters? Can you hear it screaming your name?
But instead, I just pick up my handbag and open it to get my keys. When I tried to take out his apartment key out of the chain, I realize that my hand is shaking. But I finally manage to get it out somehow and give it to him.
He just stare at it, "It's fine. You can keep it. You still have some stuff in my apartment."
"No. Please take it back. As for my stuff, you can just throw it away."
He finally takes that key. The key that is the only proof that I ever meant something for him.
Our fingers touch for a moment when he does.
He suddenly pulls me into a hug. Tightly. As if he would never let me go.
"I'm sorry," his voice shakes as if he is about to cry when he whispers that apology in my hair.
But I can't take it anymore. I push him away. His eyes are red and teary but he lets me go.
So this is goodbye.
I tremble as I open the door of the passenger seat and let myself out of the car.
I walk away without even looking back. I hug my handbag to my chest tightly, as if it could contain the pieces of my heart from shattering to the floor.
Jun-kun's car did not leave right away. I can feel his gaze on my back the whole time. But except from that, I can't feel anything in my non-existent heart. I can't even cry.
All that I can feel is the dark, the silence and the cold of that one night in the hottest season of summer.
---
ONE WEEK LATER
I've tried sappy heartbreak songs. I've tried Boku ga Boku no Subete over and over again. I've tried alcohol, lots of them. I've even tried rewatching Hanadan. None of them could make me cry.
Seeing him again in Hanadan just made me think a lot. How different he really is from Domyouji. Domyouji never had any hesitation in telling Makino how he really felt. I even read the manga again. Jun-kun's Domyouji is slightly different than the original. That mysterious aura Domyouji had on screen, that was what Jun-kun injected to the part that is his own. Made his own interpretation stands out above others. But still I wanted to kill Inoue Mao just because she could hear my Jun-kun said the word 'aishiteru'.
Which I would never be able to hear.. He is no longer my Jun-kun anymore..
I am torturing myself by our memories. I intently do so. Just to get myself to feel. Get myself to cry my heart out.
But still. For the past week I haven't step out of my apartment, I still can't cry even a single tear.
Mika-chan has been calling. Nino has been calling. I haven't picked up a single phone call nor made one. I haven't talk to anyone. Haven't eaten much. Haven't even bath. Haven't sleep much. My eyes are puffy from the lack of sleep.
But I do not care.
THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.
"Leave me alone, Mika-chan!" I yell to door.
Mika-chan has been visiting me for the past few days. Obviously she is worried.
"I will if you just let me in for a while," She begs and begs to the door.
But it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore.
"I SAID, LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Mika-chan finally gives in, "Just call me when you're ready to see me. I'll come over as soon as possible."
Her voice is soft and sad. If my heart hasn't died yet, I would feel a tremendous guilt over doing this to her.
But my heart has died that night. And nothing else matters anymore.
The next day I hear another thumping on my door as I dry the liquor bottle beside my bed.
"My god, Mika-chan, please just leave me alone!"
But Mika-chan this time doesn't say anything back. I just hear someone put in a key and turn the doorknob to open.
My heart stops. Only one other person has the key to my apartment aside from myself. He didn't give it back, not even mentioning it that night. I stand up immediately from my bed as I hear footsteps in the hallway and run out of the bedroom.
Could it be..?
But it is Nino I see putting that particular key on my kitchen counter. The heart dies again. The coldness is back. Colder than ever.
He studies me for a while, scrunching up his nose, "You look awful."
That's an understatement.
I narrow my eyes, "What are you doing here?"
I stare at the key he puts on the counter, "Why do you have his key?" The coldness in my voice scares even my own self.
He just continues to stare at me.
"Are you okay?" He asks in a soft voice.
"Do I look like I am?" I groan and walk through the piles of clothes and junk in my apartment to throw myself at the couch.
"You apartment is in serious need of cleaning up," he looks around and then give me a small smile, "How could Jun-pon stand it living with you for a whole year? You are a complete opposite of.."
"Don't say his name," I hiss at him.
The memory of his every groan and complain everytime I forget to put things where it should be on his apartment is coming back at me. And we would banter with each other. I would pout. He would laugh of the sight of me pouting. And kiss that pout.
And it hurts. Real bad.
I bite my underlip and enjoy the sharp sting in my heart.
Nino doesn't say anything but look around the apartment. He catches the sight of the empty bottles of liquor, beer and sake.
"Did you drink this all?"
I just hug my knees and nod.
"Have you eaten anything?"
"Not today.."
Not even the day before, as well.
He takes out his cellphone and dial a number.
"Moshi-moshi.. Can I have a delivery?" He quickly chooses over the menu that was stated over the phone and gives them my address.
I just stay in silence, still hugging my knees.
Nino hangs up the phone and starts to clean up the empty bottles, throwing them to the trash can. He picks up the junk laying on the floor and treat them just the same as the empty bottles.
He practically cleans up most of the stuff littering the floor when the doorbell rings.
It is the deliveryman giving him the Chinese food. He pays up.
"Ano.. Ninomiya Kazunari-san? My wife is a fan." The deliveryman, of course, recognizes him.
Nino turns over the bill and gives him his signature without waiting for him to ask for one. "What's your wife's name?"
"Y-yumiko." He probably writes her name on the paper as well.
"Keep the change," he says before closing the door.
"Domou arigatou!" I can hear the deliveryman thank him with all his heart.
Nino brings the food over to me.
"Eat!" He commands.
I oblige half-heartedly. It is the least I could do. He surely does look like he is extremely worried by my state of being. But I avoid his eyes. Avoid looking at him altogether. Afraid that it will again remind me of Jun-kun. Not that I need that. Not that I didn't scream out his name inside all the time.
Nino open the curtains and windows of my apartment. Letting the sun sees me for the first time in days. I squint at the sudden light coming in, but feel a slight relief as I breathe in some fresh air.
As I finish half of the food, I put it on top of the table.
"Better?" He asks softly.
I nod weakly.
"Thanks, Neen.."
He sits beside me and put an arm around my shoulders.
"He asked me personally to come here. That's why he lent me the key. He is extremely worried about you. He heard from your manager how you lock yourself up here. His state is no better than yours this past week, except that he doesn't have your luxury and had to go to work," He squeezes that shoulder.
I stun at the mention of him, even though Nino didn't say his name.
"He still cares a great deal about you," Nino adds, his hand catches a strand of hair on my face and tuck it behind my ear.
Then my voice cracks, in a faint voice I whisper, "But he doesn't love me enough to never leave me, Nino.."
And it finally comes. The tears I have been yearning for. Right there, right now, I finally let out a loud sob. It gets me more and more sad as I hear the long awaited sob. The sob has finally letting this go. I don't want to let this go.
Nino pulls me into his arms and carress my hair. I sob louder and louder. Tears pouring like rain that hasn't been coming for months. I melt right there. In the arms of my first love's best friend.
"Ssh.. It's okay. Just let it out. Just cry it out," Nino softly pat my back.
"I love him so much, Neen. I love him so much that it hurts so bad.." I cry out in between the sobs.
Nino just hugs me tighter and tighter, "He loves you too, you know? Just as much. Just as heartbreaking."
"Then.. Then why did he leave me? Why, Nino, why? I.. I need him.." I finally gives in to the sobs and drench Nino's t-shirt with a river of tears.
Nino doesn't say anything and just let me cry in his arms for what feels like forever.
When my sob has become calmer and calmer, he finally lets go of me. He kisses my forehead.
"You know, I once told Jun-kun that me and you in a relationship would not work. We will kill each other.." He slowly states with a small nostalgic smile.
"But if I were him, I wouldn't love you enough to leave you for your sake. I would be mad at you for turning down your dream.. I would give you hell.."
I wipe away the tears that are still streaming down my cheek.
"Nino.. This is hell.."
"But he did this because he doesn't want to be an obstacle to your career. Don't you realize that? He loves you more than his own self. I ask him the other day, in fact, I punch the lights out of him when he told me he broke up with you.." Nino gives a slight grin as if the memory somehow amuses him.
"It is the first time any of us ever hit each other, you know? But he didn't even fight back. He just said, 'I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I let her stay just for me,'" Nino impersonates Jun-kun's way of speaking, a pause in the midst of sentences.
I still can't make any sense out of Nino's story, "B-but.. Doesn't he need me? Doesn't he miss me?"
"Trust me, he really does. I see him almost every other day, remember? And I know the guy inside out. I am the guy who figures out his color coded underwear," I softly laugh at that. The first one ever since the night he left me.
Nino beams at that laugh, "He is also living in the same hell as you are right now.. He even messes up in everything he tries to do. Choreography, lyrics, stuff we have done for more than a decade. That never happened before."
"Then.. Why?" That question again.
"Isn't it obvious? It is because you turned down that Hollywood offer because you don't want to be apart from him for two whole years. That broke his heart. That pushes him to do this.."
"Why didn't he just tell me that?"
"Would you change your mind if he did?"
I am at loss of words.
No, I wouldn't. I would insist. I would not give in.
"He knows you so well that you could be so stubborn.." Nino reads my mind again. But right now, I am thankful that he has that special ability.
"Does.. Does that mean if I changed my mind about Hollywood, he-.. he would come back?" A faint of hope is born again in my heart, with the fear of dying all over again.
"I.. I don't know.. I don't think it will be that easy, Rei.." Nino says softly, "Not if you do it just to have him back. You have to do it for yourself. For your own good."
I shake my head, "It doesn't make any sense."
"Since when does life do? Since when does love do?" Nino brushes my hair with his fingers.
I suddenly feel very sleepy as I filled up my stomach and all that crying.
"Just think about it later. You should get some sleep. You deserve some rest. Have I told you that you look awful?"
I scoff, "That's the first thing you said when you walked in here."
He laughs and then he takes my hand to pull me up. He brings me to my room and to my bed. He lets me lie myself on the comfortable bed and close my eyes.
"Nino.." I call his name as I slowly drift off to sleep..
"Yes?"
"Thank you.."
"Don't mention it.. It's the least I can do.."
"I love ya, Neen.."
"Still not the same as the way I love you.."
But I almost didn't hear his last sentence as the tired eyes and body have totally given up on me.
And when I finally wake up when the sky has turned dark, he has left already. Leaving me with a clean apartment and a much needed strength to go on living the life without Jun, even just a little.
---
It is only a few days after Nino's visit that I finally got the strength to step out of my apartment and finally go to my agency's office. My eyes are still puffy, but not for a lack of sleep. But for all the crying.
It's been easier to cry now. Hanadan works. A little alcohol works. Boku ga Boku no Subete works. All songs ever made about heartbreaks work. Even Arashi's regular variety shows work.
I bet I am the only person living in this world who ever cry over VS Arashi. Just because the sight of him in that show, laughing and playing games. Smiling. Looking happy as that show was recorded when we were still together. He has told me stories about the recording of that particular show when he got home to our bed. And I cried so hard when I remembered.
"You've lost some weight," Mika-chan gives me a good look as I sit at the other side of the table.
I just give her a half smile as I shrug.
"No. You've lost a lot of weight."
"Perhaps I should give some tips to all the people who is trying to lose weight," I say dryly.
Mika-chan smiles, "Sarcasm. At least, that trait of yours is back."
"Sorry for making you worry. It's been hell, Mika-chan," I look down to my hands.
It is still hell even now..
"He came here.." Mika-chan says in a low voice.
"Who did?"
"Matsumoto-san.." She smiles softly.
"What? Why?"
Mika-chan stands up from her seat and picks up a box from the corner of her office. The box contains all my stuff that I ever left at his place.
I can hear my heart screams his name again as it shatters, if that is even possible as I don't feel I have one anymore.
Books, scripts, clothes, my stuffed toys, DVDs.. All of unimportant objects that I can live without except for the beautiful memory it contains. I can feel the tears start to roll down my cheek.
I wipe it as soon as possible.
"I'm sorry, Rei.. Perhaps this is too soon.." Mika-chan notices me crying and refrain from giving the box to me.
"No.. No.. It's okay.."
I pick up the box from her hand and put it beside my feet. A framed picture peeks from the bottom of the box, behind a book that covers it. I pick it up.
It is the only picture ever taken of us together, from Aiba-chan's birthday party half a year ago. We were both drunk and was laughing ourselves silly as we do strange poses for Nino as he is the one who took the picture.
"He also asks me to hold on for the decision of the Hollywood project," Mika-chan clears her throat.
"He really cares about that, doesn't he?" I weakly smile at the picture.
"He strongly believes that you'll change your mind.."
I might as well go to the other part of the world to chase my forgotten dream, I have lost the one I really dreamed of anyway in Japan..
"I am.." I softly say, looking up from the heartbreaking picture as I put it back into the box of bittersweet memories.
"You are?"
"That's why I wanted to see you today. I want to go to Hollywood," I say again in a firmer voice. Tears have left no trace on my cheeks, on my voice.
I then let out a soft laugh, "Actually, I just want to get the hell out of here.. Out of Japan. Out of memories of him and keep myself busy on something else.."
Mika-chan looks and listens to me pouring my heart patiently.
"Besides, he left me for this. I can't let this sacrifice be in vain, can I?" I finally finish what I am trying to convey with a weak voice.
Mika-chan reaches for my hand to squeeze it from across the table, "He surely does love you, Rei. You know that, right?"
"Does he?"
"The fact that he did this for you, if this ain't love, then I don't know what is.."
---
ANOTHER WEEK LATER
"So was he happy when he found out?" I ask Nino who sits across the table of a coffee shop we agree on meeting up.
"Happy is an overstatement, Rei-chan," Nino calmly corrects me as he sips his coffee. "The members would like to say a proper goodbye to you, though. But our schedule has been hell with the rehearsals and shootings."
"It's okay, Neen."
"Can't you stop by before the day after tomorrow?"
Yes, the day after tomorrow is the day I am going to leave. The agency has to arrange it as soon as possible. The rehearsals will start as soon as I get there. They have been waiting for my decision for weeks. The director wants to see me there as soon as possible.
"I don't know. I don't think it is such a good idea to see him before I leave," I look away to the window.
I can see a huge billboard of Jun-kun on a building. He has lost the last Mannequin 5 SP and there he is with one of his over the top outfits flashing his silly smile. The silly smile I've missed so much.
"Well, we'll try to see you off at the airport then. Wow, I can't believe you are going to leave so soon.." Nino complains but he smiles his brigthest smile at me. He deliberately shows how happy he is about my decision.
I return his smile half-heartedly and return my stare to the M5 billboard outside. Nino follows my gaze.
"He missed you too, you know?"
"Everybody has been telling me how he feels, but he never did it himself.." I dryly say, returning my gaze to the coffee shop and sips my coffee. It is still warm.
"You know from the start he is not like that.."
Nino was right, "I love him for that.." I softly add.
"Call him."
"What?"
"You should call him. Or mail him. See him before you go."
"It would just hurt more.."
"You'd never know until you try, right?"
"Why didn't he call me?" I ask desperately. I've been watching my cellphone for the past few weeks. Hoping for a word, for a call.
"You know why.."
"No I don't know why.."
"The same reason why you didn't call him. It would hurt more. And this is not me playing smart as if I can read people's mind. He told me so himself yesterday.."
"So you finally admit that you can't read people's mind?" I give him a small smile. Sincerely this time.
"I can read yours, though. Right now. And you really wanted to see him one more time."
I would kill for that..
"Ja.. I have to go now," Nino peeks at his watch.
"Thanks for squeezing in some time for me, Neen," I give my best smile to him. Well, the best I can in a heartbroken state.
"It's worth it to see that at least you are now able to smile, even just a wee bit," Nino nudges my shoulder. "Jun-kun hasn't, you know?"
He points at the huge billboard outside, "None, off screen."
I just look at the table. I don't know whether I should be happy or sad with that piece of information Nino gave me.
"He has a day off tomorrow, just so you know," Nino says in his sing-songy voice. "Eh? Dejavu. This happened before."
"It did?"
"Yeah. About a year ago before Jun-kun asked you on a date for the first time. I was the one who told him your number and the fact that you had your day-off as well. But now you already know his number, right?"
With a wink, and his infamous two fingers salute, he finally says his goodbye.
---
I walk across the Shibuya crossroads. I stop underneath his billboard and gaze at it for a moment.
"I love you, Jun-kun. I still do. More and more each day. I really wanted to see you.. Even for just one more time," I mutter softly to the huge Jun above.
I let my phone out and start to type a mail.. My fingers are shaking. Just like the moment I gave him back his key.
But time is running out. A single tear roll down my cheek as I type the word 'last'.
To: Jun-kun
I'm leaving the day after tomorrow.
Can I see you for the last time?
It is not until a few more minutes that a reply finally came.
From: Jun-kun
Meet me tomorrow 7AM at the beach I took you on our first date..
Nino has said that I at least have smiled after the break up. But I know myself that none of those are truly one from the heart. Except this time. This one.
I return the silly eternal smile Jun-kun gave me from that billboard above.
Continue to Chapter 23
CHAPTER 22
「My Heart Screams Your Name When It Shatters」
"Nande?" It is the only one word that I can get out of my mouth, in such a faint whisper.
Jun-kun just sigh and lay his back on his seat, looking away from me, looking away from us.
"You know, Sho-kun or was it Aiba-chan, said to me once that I always date my co-stars, girls who are in this same industry," He slowly explains in a low voice.
He then lets out a small smile. How could he smile in a moment like this?
"I didn't realize that until they said so. It got me thinking and wonder why. Sho-kun said that one of the reasons is that I get too involved with my character on-screen. But after a few months dating you, I finally knew why.. The definite reasoning.."
He lets go of his grip at the steering wheel and blink a few times, his calmness cracks for a bit as if the memories of us this whole year has finally come back to his senses.
"It is because I thought fellow entertainers, fellow actors, would understand me better. The insane working hours, the fans, the press, the tabloids, the jimusho and most importantly, the consequences of our work.."
I scoff, "How could you logicalize love like that? People can't be generalize in what they do for a living."
He just smiles again, "I know. I shouldn't do that. Today you just prove it to me that I was wrong."
He turns to me, his eyes are grim and as dark as the night, "You don't understand."
If a heart has been broken once, can it still breaks again? I know that 'heart breaks' is completely a fugirative speech, but I swear this one time, the pieces of my heart shatters to dust. And every dust, like star dusts that lights up this dark night, shines so bright that it stings.
My voice cracks up even though I can't feel tears coming in, "So you're saying that you don't love me anymore?"
He just looks away, "I never said that I ever do."
I can hear his voice cracking up even though he tries to maintain his coolness. But I couldn't make it out anymore. I can't feel anything except for the darkness that just swallows me whole.
I close me eyes and accept the cold truth, "It's true. You never did. Not even once. But I've always believed that you actually do."
Please, Jun, don't do this. Can you hear the sound a heart makes when it shatters? Can you hear it screaming your name?
But instead, I just pick up my handbag and open it to get my keys. When I tried to take out his apartment key out of the chain, I realize that my hand is shaking. But I finally manage to get it out somehow and give it to him.
He just stare at it, "It's fine. You can keep it. You still have some stuff in my apartment."
"No. Please take it back. As for my stuff, you can just throw it away."
He finally takes that key. The key that is the only proof that I ever meant something for him.
Our fingers touch for a moment when he does.
He suddenly pulls me into a hug. Tightly. As if he would never let me go.
"I'm sorry," his voice shakes as if he is about to cry when he whispers that apology in my hair.
But I can't take it anymore. I push him away. His eyes are red and teary but he lets me go.
So this is goodbye.
I tremble as I open the door of the passenger seat and let myself out of the car.
I walk away without even looking back. I hug my handbag to my chest tightly, as if it could contain the pieces of my heart from shattering to the floor.
Jun-kun's car did not leave right away. I can feel his gaze on my back the whole time. But except from that, I can't feel anything in my non-existent heart. I can't even cry.
All that I can feel is the dark, the silence and the cold of that one night in the hottest season of summer.
---
ONE WEEK LATER
I've tried sappy heartbreak songs. I've tried Boku ga Boku no Subete over and over again. I've tried alcohol, lots of them. I've even tried rewatching Hanadan. None of them could make me cry.
Seeing him again in Hanadan just made me think a lot. How different he really is from Domyouji. Domyouji never had any hesitation in telling Makino how he really felt. I even read the manga again. Jun-kun's Domyouji is slightly different than the original. That mysterious aura Domyouji had on screen, that was what Jun-kun injected to the part that is his own. Made his own interpretation stands out above others. But still I wanted to kill Inoue Mao just because she could hear my Jun-kun said the word 'aishiteru'.
Which I would never be able to hear.. He is no longer my Jun-kun anymore..
I am torturing myself by our memories. I intently do so. Just to get myself to feel. Get myself to cry my heart out.
But still. For the past week I haven't step out of my apartment, I still can't cry even a single tear.
Mika-chan has been calling. Nino has been calling. I haven't picked up a single phone call nor made one. I haven't talk to anyone. Haven't eaten much. Haven't even bath. Haven't sleep much. My eyes are puffy from the lack of sleep.
But I do not care.
THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.
"Leave me alone, Mika-chan!" I yell to door.
Mika-chan has been visiting me for the past few days. Obviously she is worried.
"I will if you just let me in for a while," She begs and begs to the door.
But it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore.
"I SAID, LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Mika-chan finally gives in, "Just call me when you're ready to see me. I'll come over as soon as possible."
Her voice is soft and sad. If my heart hasn't died yet, I would feel a tremendous guilt over doing this to her.
But my heart has died that night. And nothing else matters anymore.
The next day I hear another thumping on my door as I dry the liquor bottle beside my bed.
"My god, Mika-chan, please just leave me alone!"
But Mika-chan this time doesn't say anything back. I just hear someone put in a key and turn the doorknob to open.
My heart stops. Only one other person has the key to my apartment aside from myself. He didn't give it back, not even mentioning it that night. I stand up immediately from my bed as I hear footsteps in the hallway and run out of the bedroom.
Could it be..?
But it is Nino I see putting that particular key on my kitchen counter. The heart dies again. The coldness is back. Colder than ever.
He studies me for a while, scrunching up his nose, "You look awful."
That's an understatement.
I narrow my eyes, "What are you doing here?"
I stare at the key he puts on the counter, "Why do you have his key?" The coldness in my voice scares even my own self.
He just continues to stare at me.
"Are you okay?" He asks in a soft voice.
"Do I look like I am?" I groan and walk through the piles of clothes and junk in my apartment to throw myself at the couch.
"You apartment is in serious need of cleaning up," he looks around and then give me a small smile, "How could Jun-pon stand it living with you for a whole year? You are a complete opposite of.."
"Don't say his name," I hiss at him.
The memory of his every groan and complain everytime I forget to put things where it should be on his apartment is coming back at me. And we would banter with each other. I would pout. He would laugh of the sight of me pouting. And kiss that pout.
And it hurts. Real bad.
I bite my underlip and enjoy the sharp sting in my heart.
Nino doesn't say anything but look around the apartment. He catches the sight of the empty bottles of liquor, beer and sake.
"Did you drink this all?"
I just hug my knees and nod.
"Have you eaten anything?"
"Not today.."
Not even the day before, as well.
He takes out his cellphone and dial a number.
"Moshi-moshi.. Can I have a delivery?" He quickly chooses over the menu that was stated over the phone and gives them my address.
I just stay in silence, still hugging my knees.
Nino hangs up the phone and starts to clean up the empty bottles, throwing them to the trash can. He picks up the junk laying on the floor and treat them just the same as the empty bottles.
He practically cleans up most of the stuff littering the floor when the doorbell rings.
It is the deliveryman giving him the Chinese food. He pays up.
"Ano.. Ninomiya Kazunari-san? My wife is a fan." The deliveryman, of course, recognizes him.
Nino turns over the bill and gives him his signature without waiting for him to ask for one. "What's your wife's name?"
"Y-yumiko." He probably writes her name on the paper as well.
"Keep the change," he says before closing the door.
"Domou arigatou!" I can hear the deliveryman thank him with all his heart.
Nino brings the food over to me.
"Eat!" He commands.
I oblige half-heartedly. It is the least I could do. He surely does look like he is extremely worried by my state of being. But I avoid his eyes. Avoid looking at him altogether. Afraid that it will again remind me of Jun-kun. Not that I need that. Not that I didn't scream out his name inside all the time.
Nino open the curtains and windows of my apartment. Letting the sun sees me for the first time in days. I squint at the sudden light coming in, but feel a slight relief as I breathe in some fresh air.
As I finish half of the food, I put it on top of the table.
"Better?" He asks softly.
I nod weakly.
"Thanks, Neen.."
He sits beside me and put an arm around my shoulders.
"He asked me personally to come here. That's why he lent me the key. He is extremely worried about you. He heard from your manager how you lock yourself up here. His state is no better than yours this past week, except that he doesn't have your luxury and had to go to work," He squeezes that shoulder.
I stun at the mention of him, even though Nino didn't say his name.
"He still cares a great deal about you," Nino adds, his hand catches a strand of hair on my face and tuck it behind my ear.
Then my voice cracks, in a faint voice I whisper, "But he doesn't love me enough to never leave me, Nino.."
And it finally comes. The tears I have been yearning for. Right there, right now, I finally let out a loud sob. It gets me more and more sad as I hear the long awaited sob. The sob has finally letting this go. I don't want to let this go.
Nino pulls me into his arms and carress my hair. I sob louder and louder. Tears pouring like rain that hasn't been coming for months. I melt right there. In the arms of my first love's best friend.
"Ssh.. It's okay. Just let it out. Just cry it out," Nino softly pat my back.
"I love him so much, Neen. I love him so much that it hurts so bad.." I cry out in between the sobs.
Nino just hugs me tighter and tighter, "He loves you too, you know? Just as much. Just as heartbreaking."
"Then.. Then why did he leave me? Why, Nino, why? I.. I need him.." I finally gives in to the sobs and drench Nino's t-shirt with a river of tears.
Nino doesn't say anything and just let me cry in his arms for what feels like forever.
When my sob has become calmer and calmer, he finally lets go of me. He kisses my forehead.
"You know, I once told Jun-kun that me and you in a relationship would not work. We will kill each other.." He slowly states with a small nostalgic smile.
"But if I were him, I wouldn't love you enough to leave you for your sake. I would be mad at you for turning down your dream.. I would give you hell.."
I wipe away the tears that are still streaming down my cheek.
"Nino.. This is hell.."
"But he did this because he doesn't want to be an obstacle to your career. Don't you realize that? He loves you more than his own self. I ask him the other day, in fact, I punch the lights out of him when he told me he broke up with you.." Nino gives a slight grin as if the memory somehow amuses him.
"It is the first time any of us ever hit each other, you know? But he didn't even fight back. He just said, 'I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I let her stay just for me,'" Nino impersonates Jun-kun's way of speaking, a pause in the midst of sentences.
I still can't make any sense out of Nino's story, "B-but.. Doesn't he need me? Doesn't he miss me?"
"Trust me, he really does. I see him almost every other day, remember? And I know the guy inside out. I am the guy who figures out his color coded underwear," I softly laugh at that. The first one ever since the night he left me.
Nino beams at that laugh, "He is also living in the same hell as you are right now.. He even messes up in everything he tries to do. Choreography, lyrics, stuff we have done for more than a decade. That never happened before."
"Then.. Why?" That question again.
"Isn't it obvious? It is because you turned down that Hollywood offer because you don't want to be apart from him for two whole years. That broke his heart. That pushes him to do this.."
"Why didn't he just tell me that?"
"Would you change your mind if he did?"
I am at loss of words.
No, I wouldn't. I would insist. I would not give in.
"He knows you so well that you could be so stubborn.." Nino reads my mind again. But right now, I am thankful that he has that special ability.
"Does.. Does that mean if I changed my mind about Hollywood, he-.. he would come back?" A faint of hope is born again in my heart, with the fear of dying all over again.
"I.. I don't know.. I don't think it will be that easy, Rei.." Nino says softly, "Not if you do it just to have him back. You have to do it for yourself. For your own good."
I shake my head, "It doesn't make any sense."
"Since when does life do? Since when does love do?" Nino brushes my hair with his fingers.
I suddenly feel very sleepy as I filled up my stomach and all that crying.
"Just think about it later. You should get some sleep. You deserve some rest. Have I told you that you look awful?"
I scoff, "That's the first thing you said when you walked in here."
He laughs and then he takes my hand to pull me up. He brings me to my room and to my bed. He lets me lie myself on the comfortable bed and close my eyes.
"Nino.." I call his name as I slowly drift off to sleep..
"Yes?"
"Thank you.."
"Don't mention it.. It's the least I can do.."
"I love ya, Neen.."
"Still not the same as the way I love you.."
But I almost didn't hear his last sentence as the tired eyes and body have totally given up on me.
And when I finally wake up when the sky has turned dark, he has left already. Leaving me with a clean apartment and a much needed strength to go on living the life without Jun, even just a little.
---
It is only a few days after Nino's visit that I finally got the strength to step out of my apartment and finally go to my agency's office. My eyes are still puffy, but not for a lack of sleep. But for all the crying.
It's been easier to cry now. Hanadan works. A little alcohol works. Boku ga Boku no Subete works. All songs ever made about heartbreaks work. Even Arashi's regular variety shows work.
I bet I am the only person living in this world who ever cry over VS Arashi. Just because the sight of him in that show, laughing and playing games. Smiling. Looking happy as that show was recorded when we were still together. He has told me stories about the recording of that particular show when he got home to our bed. And I cried so hard when I remembered.
"You've lost some weight," Mika-chan gives me a good look as I sit at the other side of the table.
I just give her a half smile as I shrug.
"No. You've lost a lot of weight."
"Perhaps I should give some tips to all the people who is trying to lose weight," I say dryly.
Mika-chan smiles, "Sarcasm. At least, that trait of yours is back."
"Sorry for making you worry. It's been hell, Mika-chan," I look down to my hands.
It is still hell even now..
"He came here.." Mika-chan says in a low voice.
"Who did?"
"Matsumoto-san.." She smiles softly.
"What? Why?"
Mika-chan stands up from her seat and picks up a box from the corner of her office. The box contains all my stuff that I ever left at his place.
I can hear my heart screams his name again as it shatters, if that is even possible as I don't feel I have one anymore.
Books, scripts, clothes, my stuffed toys, DVDs.. All of unimportant objects that I can live without except for the beautiful memory it contains. I can feel the tears start to roll down my cheek.
I wipe it as soon as possible.
"I'm sorry, Rei.. Perhaps this is too soon.." Mika-chan notices me crying and refrain from giving the box to me.
"No.. No.. It's okay.."
I pick up the box from her hand and put it beside my feet. A framed picture peeks from the bottom of the box, behind a book that covers it. I pick it up.
It is the only picture ever taken of us together, from Aiba-chan's birthday party half a year ago. We were both drunk and was laughing ourselves silly as we do strange poses for Nino as he is the one who took the picture.
"He also asks me to hold on for the decision of the Hollywood project," Mika-chan clears her throat.
"He really cares about that, doesn't he?" I weakly smile at the picture.
"He strongly believes that you'll change your mind.."
I might as well go to the other part of the world to chase my forgotten dream, I have lost the one I really dreamed of anyway in Japan..
"I am.." I softly say, looking up from the heartbreaking picture as I put it back into the box of bittersweet memories.
"You are?"
"That's why I wanted to see you today. I want to go to Hollywood," I say again in a firmer voice. Tears have left no trace on my cheeks, on my voice.
I then let out a soft laugh, "Actually, I just want to get the hell out of here.. Out of Japan. Out of memories of him and keep myself busy on something else.."
Mika-chan looks and listens to me pouring my heart patiently.
"Besides, he left me for this. I can't let this sacrifice be in vain, can I?" I finally finish what I am trying to convey with a weak voice.
Mika-chan reaches for my hand to squeeze it from across the table, "He surely does love you, Rei. You know that, right?"
"Does he?"
"The fact that he did this for you, if this ain't love, then I don't know what is.."
---
ANOTHER WEEK LATER
"So was he happy when he found out?" I ask Nino who sits across the table of a coffee shop we agree on meeting up.
"Happy is an overstatement, Rei-chan," Nino calmly corrects me as he sips his coffee. "The members would like to say a proper goodbye to you, though. But our schedule has been hell with the rehearsals and shootings."
"It's okay, Neen."
"Can't you stop by before the day after tomorrow?"
Yes, the day after tomorrow is the day I am going to leave. The agency has to arrange it as soon as possible. The rehearsals will start as soon as I get there. They have been waiting for my decision for weeks. The director wants to see me there as soon as possible.
"I don't know. I don't think it is such a good idea to see him before I leave," I look away to the window.
I can see a huge billboard of Jun-kun on a building. He has lost the last Mannequin 5 SP and there he is with one of his over the top outfits flashing his silly smile. The silly smile I've missed so much.
"Well, we'll try to see you off at the airport then. Wow, I can't believe you are going to leave so soon.." Nino complains but he smiles his brigthest smile at me. He deliberately shows how happy he is about my decision.
I return his smile half-heartedly and return my stare to the M5 billboard outside. Nino follows my gaze.
"He missed you too, you know?"
"Everybody has been telling me how he feels, but he never did it himself.." I dryly say, returning my gaze to the coffee shop and sips my coffee. It is still warm.
"You know from the start he is not like that.."
Nino was right, "I love him for that.." I softly add.
"Call him."
"What?"
"You should call him. Or mail him. See him before you go."
"It would just hurt more.."
"You'd never know until you try, right?"
"Why didn't he call me?" I ask desperately. I've been watching my cellphone for the past few weeks. Hoping for a word, for a call.
"You know why.."
"No I don't know why.."
"The same reason why you didn't call him. It would hurt more. And this is not me playing smart as if I can read people's mind. He told me so himself yesterday.."
"So you finally admit that you can't read people's mind?" I give him a small smile. Sincerely this time.
"I can read yours, though. Right now. And you really wanted to see him one more time."
I would kill for that..
"Ja.. I have to go now," Nino peeks at his watch.
"Thanks for squeezing in some time for me, Neen," I give my best smile to him. Well, the best I can in a heartbroken state.
"It's worth it to see that at least you are now able to smile, even just a wee bit," Nino nudges my shoulder. "Jun-kun hasn't, you know?"
He points at the huge billboard outside, "None, off screen."
I just look at the table. I don't know whether I should be happy or sad with that piece of information Nino gave me.
"He has a day off tomorrow, just so you know," Nino says in his sing-songy voice. "Eh? Dejavu. This happened before."
"It did?"
"Yeah. About a year ago before Jun-kun asked you on a date for the first time. I was the one who told him your number and the fact that you had your day-off as well. But now you already know his number, right?"
With a wink, and his infamous two fingers salute, he finally says his goodbye.
---
I walk across the Shibuya crossroads. I stop underneath his billboard and gaze at it for a moment.
"I love you, Jun-kun. I still do. More and more each day. I really wanted to see you.. Even for just one more time," I mutter softly to the huge Jun above.
I let my phone out and start to type a mail.. My fingers are shaking. Just like the moment I gave him back his key.
But time is running out. A single tear roll down my cheek as I type the word 'last'.
To: Jun-kun
I'm leaving the day after tomorrow.
Can I see you for the last time?
It is not until a few more minutes that a reply finally came.
From: Jun-kun
Meet me tomorrow 7AM at the beach I took you on our first date..
Nino has said that I at least have smiled after the break up. But I know myself that none of those are truly one from the heart. Except this time. This one.
I return the silly eternal smile Jun-kun gave me from that billboard above.
Continue to Chapter 23